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‘Mr. Monk Goes to the Office’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Office

404. Mr. Monk Goes to the Office

Aired July 29, 2005

While investigating an assault on a financial analyst, Monk takes an office job so he can be one of the guys.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Chilton Handy: He can't bowl if he's not wearing regulation footwear. That's a rule.
Abby: Fine! We'll just rent him a pair of shoes. What size are you?
Adrian Monk: Uh, here's the thing. When you say, "rent a pair," you're talking about footwear that other people have already worn?
Abby: That's right.
Adrian Monk: On my feet? Here, here's the thing. I don't like to share anything.
Frances: Fine. Let's just buy him a new pair.
Chilton Handy: Pro shop's closed. So what's it gonna be? If he doesn't bowl, you forfeit.
Greg: Here. We're about the same size. [Monk inspects Fred's shoes]
Abby: What the hell are you looking at? They're just shoes. Just put them on.
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing.
Abby: Okay, stop saying, "here's the thing." Just put on these shoes for 20 seconds. Then you can take them right off.
Adrian Monk: 20 seconds? I don't know.
Chilton Handy: So you forfeit?
Abby: Listen. We've been waiting five years to beat these creeps. All you have to do is put on Greg's shoes and roll the freaking ball.
Adrian Monk: I can't.

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Quote from Natalie

Natalie: I used to work in a place like this. I lasted about two weeks. You do the same thing every day.
Adrian Monk: [exited] The same thing.
Natalie: After a while, you begin to feel like a number.
Adrian Monk: A number.
Natalie: You're just like everybody else.
Adrian Monk: Everybody else.
Natalie: You're basically a drone.
Adrian Monk: A drone?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Captain, this just came in. I think you better sit down.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What is it?
Lieutenant Disher: I really think you ought to sit down, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't want to sit down, Randy. What is it?
Lieutenant Disher: It's pretty big, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What is it?
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Sir, it's just that when I got the call, I was sitting down, and I'm really glad I was.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Somebody die? [Randy looks off to the side] Is anybody hurt? [Randy looks off to the side] [Stottlemeyer sits down at his desk]
Lieutenant Disher: I just got off the phone with the SEC. They're investigating Warren Kemp for insider trading.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is that it?
Lieutenant Disher: There's definitely a leak. And they're pretty sure that it's coming from inside the firm. One theory is that it's Warren Kemp himself. But he was having second thoughts, so our guy breaks his hand as a warning to keep him in line.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And that's it?
Lieutenant Disher: [checks the file] Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And you had me sit down for that?
Lieutenant Disher: No. No, it wasn't just that. I mean, you looked a little bit tired. Is that my phone
Captain Stottlemeyer: Your phone?
Lieutenant Disher: [takes out cell phone] Disher. Uh-huh. Yeah. I gotta take this, sir. Yeah, no, no, no. I'm on my way.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: They're talking about football. I have that one. Give me the cards.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you don't need the cards. Just go talk to them. You are an interesting person. Can't you just be yourself?
Adrian Monk: Give me the cards. Weather, politics, movies, swearwords...
Natalie: Swearwords?
Adrian Monk: Don't you look at that one.

Quote from Adrian Monk

First Detective: Hah, Monk is here. I guess we can all go home now.
Adrian Monk: You guys talking about last night's game? San Francisco 49ers lost 27 points to 21 points.
Second Detective: Yes, we know.
Adrian Monk: That was a hell of a fourth quarter, though. It was the turnovers. They always come back to haunt you.
First Detective: Yeah, I was just saying Rattay can't handle the pressure. I mean, why didn't they take him out?
Adrian Monk: ... Excuse me.
[Monk returns to Natalie for another card, before heading back to the two detectives]
Adrian Monk: That's true about Tim Rattay, the quarterback. But don't forget, he won four out of his last five home games.
Second Detective: But they were playing in Houston, Monk.
Adrian Monk: You guys wanna hear some swearwords?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: What you got?
Adrian Monk: Well, this tire iron is metric. It doesn't fit this car. In fact, all the cars down here are American made. I think the killer brought this down to pretend to change a tire. Probably drives an import.
Lieutenant Disher: Good, what else?
Adrian Monk: Tweezers. Well, he's insecure. He's always trying to impress people. Act tougher than he is.
Lieutenant Disher: How do you know that?
Adrian Monk: He was chewing on this.
Lieutenant Disher: Toothpick.
Adrian Monk: It's not conclusive.
Natalie: Captain.
Adrian Monk: Just a theory. Could, could be wrong.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

[Disher is holding an evidence bag with a toothpick inside]
Captain Stottlemeyer: What does it mean, Lieutenant?
Lieutenant Disher: I think it means the killer was very intelligent.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk. What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: We're just talking about the local football franchise.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. The niners.
Adrian Monk: Heh, no. The San Francisco 49ers.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Come on. Body's over here.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, sure. I'll catch you guys on the flipside.
[The two detectives laugh as Monk walks away]
Adrian Monk: There it is. Hearing them laugh as I walk away. That's the worst part.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, they're not laughing at you.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, right.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: The shooter then drags Shelton's body this way and rolls him under this truck. Then he hangs out here in the garage and waits.
Natalie: For what?
Lieutenant Disher: For victim B, Warren Kemp. He enters the garage at 7:30. Heads for his car.
Natalie: Wow. Sweet ride.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I'm thinking of getting one of these myself.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Meanwhile, back on Earth, the killer forces Kemp over to the car, at gunpoint, makes him put his hand in the car door and breaks it.
Adrian Monk: He killed the first guy, then waited around but then only breaks the second guy's hand?
Captain Stottlemeyer: His right hand, not his left hand. He was very specific about that. And then he takes off.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Warren Kemp: It's Natalie, right? His gal Friday.
Natalie: Something like that. How's the hand?
Warren Kemp: Nine broken bones.
Adrian Monk: One more would have been an even 10.
Warren Kemp: Well, you sound disappointed, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Well, it's too late now.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: So you've been moving furniture?
Warren Kemp: That's right! I just hired a new decorator. Some Feng Shui nut. She says if my desk faces the door, it would open me up to new opportunities. Maybe she was on to something. How did you know about the furniture?
Natalie: Impressions in the rug. The desk used to be there.
Warren Kemp: That's pretty good. Who's the detective here? [Natalie and Warren chuckle]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I'll do it.
Warren Kemp: Oh, thank you. I feel better already. You can start tomorrow.
Natalie: No, no, no. You don't understand. He can't work in an office. There are, there are people here.
Warren Kemp: Nah, nah, he'll be fine. I'll say you're an investment analyst I'm bringing in from Chicago.
Adrian Monk: Chicago.
Warren Kemp: All you have to do is look busy. I'll give you some reports to collate.
Adrian Monk: Did you hear that? I'm gonna be collating.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Abby: So you from Chicago? It's too cold for me. Not that the weather here is much better. The kitchenette. Some of the food in that machine is still edible.
Adrian Monk: Office humor. I love it.
Abby: Sales department's down there. This is accounting. We're redecorating the whole office. Do you smoke? If you do, the smoke detector in the break room's usually broken, if you know what I mean.
Adrian Monk: Isn't that kind of a fire hazard?
Abby: I hope so. If we're lucky, this whole frigging place'll burn down. Here's your parking pass. If you park in the garage, make sure someone walks you downstairs. We had a problem there two nights ago.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I heard about that. Why do you think someone would wanna break Kemp's hand?
Abby: Probably someone who heard him playing piano at last year's Christmas party.
Adrian Monk: Oh, more office humor. That's good. This is you. Home sweet home.
Adrian Monk: This is me? It's perfect.
Abby: Yeah. It's a dream come true.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Chilton Handy: What are you doing?
Abby: This is Adrian Monk. He's starting here today.
Chilton Handy: Mr. Kemp said I could have that cubicle.
Abby: What's the difference?
Chilton Handy: It's closer to the emergency exit. Statistically, it's a little safer.
Abby: Statistically, you're a little nuts. Why don't you double up on your medication and get back to work?
Abby: Ignore him. He's a little... [whistles] So we're all set. If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to ask somebody else.
Adrian Monk: Somebody else. I get it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Chilton Handy: We're taking up a collection for Chilton Handy. It's his birthday. He's 40.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I, I just got here.
Chilton Handy: You work here, right? Most people put in 10 bucks. I put in 20.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, then. Here you go.
[After Monk puts a note in the jar, Chilton takes it out and pockets it]
Adrian Monk: You're Chilton?
Chilton Handy: That's right. I'm turning 40.
Adrian Monk: Well, happy birthday.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Frances: Adrian, really, you don't have to reorganize the whole filing room.
Adrian Monk: Actually, I did.
Abby: And thanks again for cleaning my office. I can see my desk again.
Greg: [to Monk] You're gonna make somebody a wonderful wife.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Greg, here's that quarterly sales report. I found a few typos and grammatical errors, so I retyped it.
Greg: Retyped the whole thing? You're my hero.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I'll get the next one.
Abby: There's plenty of room here.
Adrian Monk: I'd rather wait.
Greg: You could fit right here.
Frances: It's only two floors.
[Monk dashes in to the elevator and immediately leaves]
Adrian Monk: Okay, I'm, I'm fine.
Frances: We're not contagious.
Adrian Monk: I know you're not contagious. I'll take the next one.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Come on, let's talk about it at lunch.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I can't. I'm meeting the gang.
Natalie: What gang?
Adrian Monk: I have a gang. I'm in the gang. They're waiting for me.
Natalie: Wait, what are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: Natalie, they like me. I brought some cards along. I haven't had to use them. Nobody's laughing at me. I gotta go. I'll talk to you later.
Warren Kemp: Mr. Monk, how's the case coming? Any leads?
Adrian Monk: Nothing concrete. I can't talk right now. I gotta go. The gang is waiting for me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: So Is it hard to work together and, and be in a relationship?
Frances: What?
Adrian Monk: [to Abby and Greg] The two of you are having a thing, right?
Abby: Why do you say that?
Adrian Monk: Well, your shirt, there's a hole on the end of your collar. Greg was wearing that same shirt yesterday. Plus, you're using the same shampoo and the same deodorant. And today, Greg walked in with your umbrella. [everyone chuckles]
Greg: You should be a detective.
Adrian Monk: No, no, I couldn't be a detective. I could never be a detective. They're lonely. They're, they're very lonely and sad. They don't have a gang. A gang from the office. [all laugh]

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Warren, we gotta get you out of this office. The last time I was in Vermont, I was in jail.
Warren Kemp: What?
Natalie: Yeah. I hit a guy in a bar. He wouldn't leave my friend alone. So I just sort of shoved him through the window.
Warren Kemp: If you're trying to turn me on here, it's working.
Natalie: Oh, my God. I can't believe I just told you that. You cannot tell anyone I've been arrested, okay? Mr.
Monk, my God, Julie, my daughter. If she knew, please. You have to promise me.
Warren Kemp: Oh, no, I promise.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Abby: Hey, Sherlock Holmes. Come here. We're trying to figure out who did this.
Adrian Monk: This is a human caucasian buttocks.
Greg: Yeah.
Abby: Yeah, we know. But whose caucasian buttocks?
Greg: Gotta be Chilton.
Chilton Handy: Go to hell.
Adrian Monk: Uh, no, this is Ben.
Frances: Real mature, Ben!
Ben: [laughs]
Abby: How'd you know?
Adrian Monk: Well, the staples go out, not in. Ben's is the only stapler in the office set to do that.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: It's louder than I thought it would be.
Natalie: Do you really think that guy killed somebody and broke Warren Kemp's hand just to win a bowling trophy?
Adrian Monk: I know it's crazy, but look at him. He's completely obsessed. And not in a good way, like me. Plus, he's a toothpick chewer.
Natalie: Does he have an alibi for Monday night?
Adrian Monk: Good question.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Abby: Adrian, you're up.
Adrian Monk: Me?
Abby: We need someone to fill in for Mr. Kemp. Why do you think we asked you to come?
Adrian Monk: Because I'm one of the gang.
Abby: Here's your shirt. Find a ball.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hey, did you watch that comedy show on TV Monday night?
Chilton Handy: What?
Adrian Monk: Oh, it was about this family that argued all the time, and the father was always wrong. You could hear the audience laugh. So you knew it was funny.
Chilton Handy: I missed it.
Adrian Monk: Where were you?
Chilton Handy: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: Monday night, did you go out?
Chilton Handy: Are you a cop?
Adrian Monk: No.
Chilton Handy: Then I don't have to talk to you, do I?

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Mr. Monk, we need to talk.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, look at this. Chilton has an alibi. He was here Monday night. He bowled a 294. I don't know what to think.
Natalie: Well, I think Warren Kemp's involved.
Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie: Maybe the SEC was right. That it's an inside job. Now, I do not trust that guy.
Adrian Monk: Well, I thought we liked him. I thought we liked him a lot.
Natalie: Well, we don't. You know what? I'll just meet you outside. I gotta get some air.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: We recovered the bullets, . 45 caliber. They're comparing it now. Something else, too, sir. It's pretty big. Don't worry, you don't have to sit down. I mean, you can sit. I mean, sit or stand.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Can I walk away?
Lieutenant Disher: I'll just tell you. The victim, Angela Dirks, she was an interior designer. We found some recent invoices. Guess what? She was working for Pross Financial Services.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: There's gotta be a connection, don't you think? [Monk is silent] Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: That was our table. We ate nachos.
Natalie: You ate nachos?
Adrian Monk: No. But I pretended to. And then later, Ben made a copy of his Caucasian buttocks. Which was very funny. Although I don't know exactly why.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Uh-oh, what is that?
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: There's, there's something, is that a hair?
Natalie: Where? No, it's okay. It's just celery.
Adrian Monk: [grins] Natalie. I think I know what happened.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: I solved the case!
Natalie: Why are you talking like that?
Adrian Monk: You see that guy by the window? The guy in the green jacket. When I said there was something in your soup, he reacted. He looked at his soup.
Natalie: His suit?
Adrian Monk: His soup, soup!
Natalie: Well, maybe he heard you.
Adrian Monk: No, he couldn't have. He must have read my lips. He can read lips! That explains everything.
Natalie: It does?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, he's been sitting at that same table every time I've been in here. He must have been sitting there about a month ago. At some point, he looked out the window, and he saw something. Something worth millions of dollars.
Natalie: What? What did he see?
Adrian Monk: He saw Warren Kemp. He's been reading Warren's lips! From that table. He has a perfect view into Warren's office. Buyouts, mergers, that kind of inside information is worth a fortune. Don't look! Don't. He's staring right at us.
Natalie: I'm sure everyone is, the way you're grinning.
Adrian Monk: That's okay. He'll just think we're in love.
Natalie: You don't look like you're in love. You look like somebody who's had some sort of industrial accident.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Here, just I don't get it. Why would he break Warren's hand?
Adrian Monk: [covers mouth with a menu] Because Warren redecorated his office last week. Remember? You noticed it yourself.
Natalie: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: He turned his desk around, so that when he held the phone in his right hand, he was blocking his mouth. Somehow he had to get Warren to switch hands.
Natalie: That's what all this is about? So he would hold the phone in the other hand?
Natalie: Why would he kill the decorator?
Adrian Monk: [holds cup to his mouth] She was planning to put curtains up, remember? That would have ruined everything. Oh, my God. Here he comes.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, with this mirror, he could have been reading my lips.
Man: Think you figured something out, huh? What do you say we all take a walk outside and talk about it?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: I'm gonna grab the gun.
Man: I can hear you. I was born deaf, but I'm okay now. Modern science. Now let's go.
Natalie: Okay, okay, we're going, we're going. But you're making a huge mistake. Do you know who this man is? He's... [screams in his ear]
Adrian Monk: [grabs the gun] All right, don't move! Stay where you are! Don't worry. It's okay. I used to be a cop.
Natalie: I'm calling the captain.
Adrian Monk: Now, wait, wait. Could you- Could you first call Mr. Wok's?
Natalie: Why?
Adrian Monk: That's where the gang is eating. I'd really love them to see this.


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