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‘Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital

516. Mr. Monk Goes to the Hospital

Aired March 2, 2007

After Monk goes to the hospital with a nose bleed, he seeks a second opinion and finds a doctor murdered in his office.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Nurse: It's not possible. Mr. Johansen never left his room. He's been on the heart monitor all night. Here's a cardiogram. No gaps, no interruptions.
Lieutenant Disher: Actually, all we know for sure is that he never took the monitor off. What if he took it with him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, please.
Lieutenant Disher: No, it's possible. I mean, all he had to do was strap the monitor to his back. And then climb out the window, shimmy down one story, unspooling 600 feet of wire along the way.
Nurse: He's 82 years old.
Lieutenant Disher: He's a veteran. They were the Greatest Generation.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You through?

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Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: And, Randy, you hit it. Remember?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, let's see it. [Disher starts to unbutton his pants] What are you doing?
Lieutenant Disher: Showing you the bruise.
Adrian Monk: What's he doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's near your ankle. Just pull up your pant leg.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, six of one, right?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's not six of one. Roll up your pant leg.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm already unbuckled. Okay, fine.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Captain, look at this.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What is that?
Hospital Administrator: That looks like a seal. That could be from one of our oxygen tanks.
Captain Stottlemeyer: "Room 623."
Lieutenant Disher: Room 623. All right, let's go!
Hospital Administrator: Uh, Lieutenant, that's the geriatric ward. If he's a patient up there, he's at least 80 years old.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, then, we better move fast.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You're leaving me?
Natalie: Don't say that. Please don't make me cancel again. I really, really like this guy.
Adrian Monk: You're leaving me.
Natalie: I'll be back by 2:30.
Adrian Monk: I'm really scared.
Natalie: You're always scared.
Adrian Monk: Yes, but now I'm scared and hemorrhaging.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Receptionist: Okay, Mr. Lam, you have to sign right here. [to nurse] We're sending Mr. Lam right in.
Adrian Monk: Hello, excuse me. I have been sitting there for an hour and a half.
Receptionist: I know, we're booked up, as you can see.
Mr. Lam: [speaks Vietnamese]
Adrian Monk: If I may? I speak a little Vietnamese.
Mr. Lam: [complains in Vietnamese]
Adrian Monk: Yeah, he's saying that he's feeling much better. He's feeling fine, and he would like to go home.
Mr. Lam: [complains in Vietnamese]
Adrian Monk: On a city bus. Right now. Yeah, yeah. He thinks, uh... He thinks this man... Oh, yeah, I guess he means me. Should go ahead of him.
Receptionist: I speak Vietnamese.
Adrian Monk: I'll be sitting right over here.
Receptionist: Yeah, you do that.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: See, Dr. Scott was in that office last night. He was killing Dr. Whitcomb.
Lieutenant Disher: How? I mean, I talked to the security guard who was sitting in front of Dr. Scott's room. He said no one went in or went out all night.
Adrian Monk: He did it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Plus, he was hooked up to that heart monitor.
Adrian Monk: I don't know how he did it, but he did it. He's the guy.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: Okay, all right, look. Okay, all right, Captain. Captain, listen. I have an idea. Okay, Dr. Scott was hooked up to the heart monitor, right?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, that's right.
Adrian Monk: What if he took the monitor with him? What if he hooked it up to a battery pack, and he just carried it with him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: The security guard said he never left the room.
Adrian Monk: Out the window. It's only one floor.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Interesting.
Lieutenant Disher: Interesting?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's worth considering.
Lieutenant Disher: I said the exact same thing a half an hour ago about the old guy, and you shot me down.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You didn't say the same thing. You said something about a spool of cable. 800 feet.
Lieutenant Disher: It was the same basic idea, except for the battery.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The battery is a big part of what Monk is saying.
Lieutenant Disher: No, it's the same thing. What, if I say something, it's a punch line, if he says it, he's a genius?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Mr. Johansen, listen to me! Dr. Scott killed Dr. Whitcomb. And I know how he did it. He checked himself in as a patient. He knew this hospital. He knew there had been a renovation. So he made sure that at one time, his room was connected to your room. At about 2:00, he made his move. He came in here through the supply closet. He knew you'd be sleeping. He probably prescribed your sedatives.
Hank Johansen: As a matter of fact, he did.
Adrian Monk: Right, then he put his monitor on your chest. He took the oxygen tank, and then he went downstairs. After the murder, he came back here, put his monitor back on, and snuck back into his room. It was perfect. Your heartbeat was his alibi. So, what do you think?
Hank Johansen: I'll tell you what I think. I owe you an apology.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Hank Johansen: Yeah, that would explain everything.
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Hank Johansen: You know, you really are a great detective.
Adrian Monk: But I need proof.
Hank Johansen: Yeah, that's the thing. You need proof.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I've got it. I've got it. Okay, if I'm right, which, you know, I am, for about ten minutes, during the murder, your heartbeat, and Dr. Scott's heartbeat, are the exact same heartbeat. All I have to do is find those cardiograms.
Hank Johansen: Yeah. Good thinking. You better go. It's very exciting.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. I better use the door.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Alex, I'm so sorry. You are so great, but I have to go.
Alex: You're leaving?
Natalie: My boss needs me.
Alex: Uh, how do you know?
Natalie: He always needs me. I'm sorry.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Mr. Monk? My God. Oh, my God, Mr. Monk, I'm so sorry. I can't believe this. What happened? They said you fell down the stairs? [Monk tries to groan] Oh, it's all right. I'm here.
I'll take good care of you, okay?
Nurse: Hi. How's he doing today?
Natalie: I don't know. I just got here.
Nurse: Are you his wife?
Natalie: No, I'm his assistant. And his friend. [Monk groans] I think he's in a lot of pain. He's not very good with pain.
Nurse: Okay, well, this should help.
Adrian Monk: [mumbles]
Natalie: What? Dr. Scott?
Nurse: That's his primary. You're very lucky. Dr. Scott's the greatest.
Natalie: Did you hear that? You have a great doctor. [Monk tries to move his arm away as the nurse hooks up his IV] It's okay, it's okay. Just relax, I've got you. Give me your hand. There you go, just relax.
Nurse: He should have some ice chips.
Natalie: Okay, I'll get them. [Monk grabs Natalie's hand] It's okay. [Monk shifts his eyes towards the IV] Mr. Monk, I just want to tell you that I'm so sorry for leaving you here this morning. It will never happen again. If you are ever in trouble, I will be there for you, I promise. Okay, let go. Let go. I'll be right back. Nurse, excuse me.
I just want to thank you for being so sweet to him. But I wanted to ask you, do you have the kind of ice maker that makes round ice cubes? Because he'd prefer that.
Nurse: We might. So how long have you worked for Mr. Butterworth?
Adrian Monk: Who's Mr. Butterworth? [runs back] Mr. Monk! Mr. Monk! Oh, God. [restricts IV tube] It's okay.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: It's a perfect match. I'd like to see him try to explain this to a jury.
Lieutenant Disher: It was my idea.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, it's not, Randy. It's completely different.
Lieutenant Disher: No, it was the same basic idea. Our next crime scene, I'm not gonna say anything. I'm just gonna write everything down and copyright it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, you copyright everything in your notebook.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe I will.


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