Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale

104. Mr. Monk Meets Dale the Whale

Aired July 26, 2002

When Monk investigates the slaying of a local judge, all signs point to a morbidly-obese criminal kingpin, Dale Beiderbeck (guest star Adam Arkin), who couldn't possibly have committed the murder.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Maybe we're looking at this all wrong. Maybe he killed her in his apartment, and then he somehow moved the body back to her house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. What about the 911 call? She made it from the house.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. What about liposuction?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Lieutenant Disher: Liposuction. Yeah. He lipo'd himself down to, like, I don't know, like, 400 pounds. Down the elevator, crossed town, killed the judge.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, how did he gain all the weight back?
Lieutenant Disher: Reverse liposuction.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah. He just pumped it all back in.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think that's possible?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know. Should I call a doctor?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Let's keep our reverse liposuction theory to ourselves.

Rate

Quote from Adrian Monk

Benjy: Okay, who do you want to be? Yellow, green, red or blue?
Adrian Monk: Oh, boy. Okay, um... Okay. Oh, boy.
Sharona: Honey, remember we talked about how Mr. Monk has trouble making decisions?
Benjy: Oh, yeah. Okay, you'll be Colonel Mustard.
Adrian Monk: Good.
Benjy: Now, you remember how to play? You write down all the clues on your pad.
Adrian Monk: I'm ready to guess.
Sharona: Adrian, you have to play the game. You have to go around the board from room to room collecting clues.
Adrian Monk: I know who did it.
Sharona: We haven't started yet. Come on.
Adrian Monk: It was Professor Plum in the dining room with a rope.
Benjy: He's right.
Adrian Monk: We played this game last year. I remember what cards everybody was holding and how they were put away. And then, just now, I was watching how Benjy shuffled...

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: [answers phone] Hello? Oh, hey, Captain. Yeah, he's right here. [to Monk] Stottlemeyer. [on the phone] Oh, well, actually, uh, we were just finishing up a pretty big case. It was this nasty homicide, um... This woman was found murdered in her dining room with a rope. Yeah. Hold on, let me check our schedule. [to Monk] It's a job.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: That's it. That- That is the last time I ever play a game with you, Adrian. You are just no fun.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Sharona: I mean, don't you ever wonder why you never get invited anywhere?
Adrian Monk: No, not really.
Sharona: Well, this is why.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Benjy: I think it's awesome. Mom, can I bring him to school, please? Like for show and tell?
Sharona: You can take him every day.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: And what's all this?
Captain Stottlemeyer: These are rocks from the garden. Killer left them like this.
Lieutenant Disher: It's a message. He's toying with us. Some sort of code, but I haven't been able to figure it out yet.
Adrian Monk: You think the killer stopped here in plain view of the neighbors, went rooting around in the garden, collected a few rocks and then arranged them carefully on the grass?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you think?
Adrian Monk: I think he was looking for a hide-a-key.
Sharona: I found it.

Quote from Sharona

Lieutenant Disher: She still has her license, right? I mean, Biederbeck needs a nurse. The other one just quit.
Adrian Monk: No. Absolutely not. I forbid it. Sharona, she's not a police officer.
Sharona: Well, neither are you.
Adrian Monk: What?
Sharona: What, you don't think I can handle this?
Adrian Monk: What are you talking... Forget this. I know Biederbeck, you don't. He's dangerous. This man is capable of anything.
Sharona: He weighs 804 pounds. What is he gonna do, break wind on me?
Adrian Monk: Let me explain the arrangement here. I'm the employer. You work for me. I get to say what goes, and I say no.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Uh, which one of you is Sue Ellen? Hi. My name is Sharona, and this is my friend Mr. Monk. He just wants to ask you a couple of questions about what you saw the night that the judge was, um...
Sue Ellen: Brutally slain.
Sharona: Yeah. That's right.
Girl: Is he a policeman?
Sharona: He was.
Sue Ellen: What happened?
Adrian Monk: I had a breakdown. I was nearly catatonic for about three and a half years.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Adrian, can I ask you something? And if it's none of my business, I promise I'll shut up.
Adrian Monk: I doubt it.
Sharona: What did Trudy mean by bread and butter?
Adrian Monk: Whenever Trudy and I were walking somewhere, we'd hold hands. If there was a lamppost or somebody walked between us, and we had to let go for a second, she'd always say "bread and butter." So when she died? Yeah, I think it was a message for me. She was saying, "I have to let go now for a little while but it won't be forever."

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: See, isn't this fun? Now, Adrian, this is what normal people do on a Sunday morning. [to Benjy] Get up. [to Monk] They hang out, relax, eat brunch. They don't stay at home vacuuming their rug 40 times.
Benjy: Mom, we're not exactly normal.
Sharona: We are compared to some people.

Quote from Sharona

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk. Glad you're here. Miss Fleming.
Sharona: "Glad you're here?" God, you must really be desperate. Usually the mayor's office has to shove us down your throats.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Adrian. Wait, wait.
Adrian Monk: What?
Sharona: Uh, Captain, before we get started, could you just initial this agreement? It's our standard consultation fee.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's what?
Sharona: Our standard consultation fee.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Could we take care of that later, Sharona?
Adrian Monk: Not now.
Sharona: Adrian. I prefer to take care of business first.
Lieutenant Disher: Bet that's not the first time you've said that.
Sharona: Bite me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, man. Oh, God. I don't feel so good. This is like a feng shui nightmare in here.
Sharona: Adrian, you gotta calm down. You're rambling. Come on.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dale Biederbeck: Well, my, my, my, it's the boys in blue. And the former boy in blue. Forgive me if I don't get up. [dog growls] Now, now, now. Come on now, Bentley. I'm sorry. He hates cops.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Biederbeck, I am Captain Stottlemeyer. This is Lieutenant Disher and this is Adrian Monk.
Dale Biederbeck: Oh, I know Adrian Monk. How long has it been, my friend?
Adrian Monk: Seven years.
Dale Biederbeck: Seven years. You look good. How do I look?
Adrian Monk: You look great, Dale. Hardly recognized you.
Christian Vezza: Mr. Biederbeck has lost 104 pounds since March. It's my own patented diet. High-protein juices and shakes.
Adrian Monk: Of course, the hard part is keeping it off.

Quote from Sharona

Dale Biederbeck: And this must be Sharona. The little nurse that saved his life. Come here, my dear. Let me get a look at you. Come on. I won't bite. Come closer. Tell me, are you still doing house calls?
Sharona: Um, l-I don't do that anymore.
Dale Biederbeck: Oh, that's a shame. Call me if you change your mind. You know, my night nurse just quit. Didn't give notice, can you imagine?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dale Biederbeck: Where were we? Bread and butter.
Adrian Monk: What?
Dale Biederbeck: Bread and butter. Those were Trudy's last words, weren't they? The transcript of the coroner's inquest is a matter of public record. The Internet, Monk, it's the fat man's best friend. It's been troubling me for years. What could she have meant? Bread and butter.
Adrian Monk: Go to hell.
Dale Biederbeck: [chuckles] No doubt I will. I just hope it's handicapped accessible.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Biederbeck, this is not a joke. We have evidence, and it's overwhelming.
Dale Biederbeck: Is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, it is. You have motive. You were identified by name on the 911 call. A child in the neighborhood saw you in the judge's house that night.
Dale Biederbeck: Oh, my God, that sounds like a strong case, Captain. What do you think, Monk?
Adrian Monk: I think you killed her.
Dale Biederbeck: Prove it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: There's no way. Forty-five inches. There's no way, Captain. The elevator's even smaller.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you think?
Adrian Monk: He did it. That's all I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How about a crane through the window? A construction crane lowered him to the street?
Adrian Monk: Without anybody noticing? It's impossible.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me, Doctor. Now, if Biederbeck is too big to get out of the room, how'd he get there in the first place? He's like a ship in a bottle.
Christiaan Vezza: Well, when he first bought the apartment, he weighed a mere 422 pounds. He could still walk. On a good day, he could see his toes. Then his mother died, and he had a complete breakdown. He started bingeing. He would call restaurants and order everything on the menu. He topped out at 927 pounds. That was a decade ago. He has not left the room since.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Like I said, it's just not possible.

Quote from Sharona

Dale Biederbeck: Hey, did he tell you about his wife and me?
Sharona: I know all about it.
Dale Biederbeck: No, you don't.
Sharona: He didn't tell you. He's too ashamed. See, nine years ago, his beloved Trudy wrote a piece on me in which she said I was the Genghis Khan of world finance. So I sued her and the rag that published the piece. Now, I knew I couldn't win, but I dragged things on long enough that eventually Mr. and Mrs. Monk had to sell everything. Even that cute little starter house they lived in. You know who owns it now?
Sharona: You.
Dale Biederbeck: Mm-hmm. I use it to store my pornography collection. Which reminds me, are you interested in earning a little extra money? Oh-Oh, come on, now. Don't be like that. I mean, after all, Sharona, I know how you paid your rent back in Miami.
Sharona: What kind of dog is that?
Dale Biederbeck: Sweetheart, if you want to feel my stomach, all you have to do is ask.
Sharona: No, I wasn't trying...
Dale Biederbeck: Of course you were. You were thinking, "My God, can he really be that big, or is it a trick?" Let's find out, shall we? Totally... Alfresco!
Sharona: [gags] Oh, my God.

Quote from Sharona

Benjy: [knocking] Mom, are you okay? You've been in there all morning.
Sharona: [o.s.] Go away.
Benjy: Mr. Monk is here.
Sharona: Tell him I hate my job and I quit.
Benjy: [to Monk] I've never seen her freak out like this.
Adrian Monk: I told her not to go!
Sharona: [opens door] In case you're wondering, yes, he really is that fat, okay? He's Orca! He's horrific!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [answers phone] Hello.
Dale Biederbeck: Bread and butter. Bread and butter. It's been driving me crazy. What could she possibly have meant? Bread and butter. I figure it was a message. A secret message just for you.
Adrian Monk: What can I do for you, Dale?
Dale Biederbeck: Well, I'm a little worried about Sharona. She sort of fell apart on us last night. I'm really not sure if we can count on her, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: You have other things to worry about.
Dale Biederbeck: You can't scare me. Don't even try. You're meek. Meeky, meek, meek. [bell rings] Ooh, ooh. Gotta go. The Munich markets are closing. Toodle-loo.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm eating my lunch, but, you know, I only take 20 minutes for lunch.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, no. I appreciate you squeezing me in.
Dr. Kroger: Okay. So, uh, we were talking about Dale the Whale.
Adrian Monk: His name is, uh... His name is Biederbeck.
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, I know. He owns my building.
Adrian Monk: I'm not surprised. He owns half the city with, uh, you know, with an option on the other half.
Dr. Kroger: Well, do you think he had like-like a vendetta against Trudy?
Adrian Monk: It was grueling. I would find her sitting in the car in the driveway crying. It was the worst year of her life. She only had 34. He stole one of them.
Dr. Kroger: So now he's a suspect in this homicide case. How does that make you feel?
Adrian Monk: I-l-I hate the man. Is that wrong?
Dr. Kroger: No. No. I think it would be unusual if you didn't... What, is there something wrong?
Adrian Monk: Uh... [takes out notepad, writes, pulls out note and hands it to Dr. Kroger]
Dr. Kroger: [chuckles] Yeah, um, tomato sauce on chin. Okay. Good. Thank-Thank you, Adrian.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Adrian, do you know who asked me out?
Adrian Monk: Hmm?
Sharona: I'll give you a hint. He's a doctor.
Adrian Monk: Kervorkian?
Sharona: Very funny. Christiaan Vezza. I just love that name, Christiaan. You know who he's named after? Christiaan Barnard, who performed the first human heart transplants.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I know who Christiaan Barnard was.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Help me out here. She lives alone. She's about to start cooking something. Stir-fried beef. That's a meal, not a bedtime snack.
Sharona: So?
Adrian Monk: Why?
Sharona: Maybe she was hungry.
Adrian Monk: No. She went out to eat that night. Remember? Doggie bags. She couldn't finish her dinner, so why was she cooking?
Sharona: I have no idea.
Adrian Monk: Maybe she wasn't. Maybe after she was dead, the killer came back downstairs to cook something himself.
Sharona: Why?
Adrian Monk: To make smoke. To set off the smoke alarm in there.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sue Ellen: I already talked to the real police. Three times.
Sharona: I know, but Mr. Monk has a different way of looking at things.
Girl: Make them buy some lemonade.
Sue Ellen: I'll only talk if you buy some lemonade. That's the rule.
Sharona: Oh. Okay. He has to buy some too.
Adrian Monk: No-No, thanks.
Sharona: Buy some lemonade.
Adrian Monk: Okay, fine. I'll just have a small very, very small. [the girl adds a pinch of sugar by hand]
Girl: Yeah, that's It's our own recipe.
Adrian Monk: [pretending to drink] Mmm, that hit the spot. Thank you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Okay, now it's your turn. I want you to think back to that night. You were walking your dog.
Sue Ellen: Yeah, I was walking my dog by the big house over there. Like I do every night. The smoke alarm went off, so I looked.
Adrian Monk: And what did you see? [The girl gestures for him to order more lemonade] You familiar with the term extortion?
Sharona: Just drink it.
Adrian Monk: [drinks] Go on.
Sue Ellen: So I looked, and I saw this really fat guy in the house. No, I mean like, really fat. Like, fat fat.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, fat.
Sue Ellen: Then he opened the curtains, stood on the chair and turned off the alarm.
Adrian Monk: Okay, Sue Ellen, I just want to be absolutely sure. The alarm sounded, and then you saw the curtains open up? [she again signals for more lemonade] Oh, look at that. [the girls don't turn around; Monk drinks more lemonade] Is that right? Smoke alarm and then the curtains?
Sue Ellen: Yep.
Sharona: Why would he open the curtains before he turns off the alarm?
Adrian Monk: He was putting on a show.
Sue Ellen: What kind of show?
Adrian Monk: He was putting on a show for you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Christiaan Vezza: I see you found another of my inventions. The empathy suit.
Sharona: Dr. Vezza? Who had a birthday?
Christiaan Vezza: Oh, mine, actually. Last week. You missed a great party.
Adrian Monk: You're 37.
Christiaan Vezza: Yes. I was conceived during the big blackout of 1965.
Adrian Monk: Would you excuse me?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: We really have to work on our "Not embarrassing Sharona skills."
Adrian Monk: Thirty-seven.
Sharona: What?
Adrian Monk: He's 37.
Sharona: So what?
Adrian Monk: If he's 37-years-old, then I know how the judge was killed.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hello, Mr. Biederbeck.
Dale Biederbeck: Captain. I really wish you would've called. I'm a little busy at the moment.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm here to arrest you for the murder of Judge Kate Lavinio. That's a warrant. Duly sworn.
Dale Biederbeck: Sweetheart, I'm gonna have to call you back. Doctor, will you call Howard Klein and tell him we're suing the city for malicious prosecution again.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I have hired a local construction company to take out this door. We're gonna get a crane here and lower your fat ass down to the street.
Dale Biederbeck: A crane? Oh, that's rich. But would you mind explaining to me how I'm supposed to have killed the bitch? I can't leave this room, remember?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dale Biederbeck: Well, my, my, my. It's the defective detective once more. Lay it on me, Einstein.
Adrian Monk: These two chairs are from the judge's house. The killer stood on one of them when he turned off the smoke alarm. A girl in the neighborhood saw, quote, a very, very fat man standing on it. But there's something funny about the chair. It's not broken. This is Sergeant Cargill from the 14th Precinct. Sergeant, how much do you weigh?
Sergeant Cargill: 265.
Adrian Monk: Would you mind? [The Sergeant puts a foot on the chair and rips through the seat] So how could a very, very fat man have stood on it? There's only one explanation. He was a fat man. Not a heavy man. Lieutenant. [Randy enters in a fat suit and stands on a chair] I visited your clinic today and borrowed one of your empathy suits. Fat, but not heavy. I believe we have another warrant to serve. [Stottlemeyer gives a warrant to Dr. Vezza]
Christiaan Vezza: You're joking.
Adrian Monk: You were in it together. You killed her. Fat man planned it, but you did it. It was brilliant. You killed her, and then you left clues behind to make it look like Biederbeck did it. Why? Because he's the only person on Earth that couldn't possibly have done it. You wore enormous boots to leave big footprints. Breaking in was no problem. The housekeeper told you about the hide-a-key. I admit I was confused until I figured out the sequence of events. First, you killed the judge. Then you ransacked the house. Of course, you needed a witness. You put on one of your fat suits, set off the alarm, then waited until you were sure somebody was watching. And, finally, you called 911. And you're great with voices, Doctor. He's in the house. He's right downstairs. Biederbeck even supplied you with videotapes of the judge so you could practice.
Christiaan Vezza: This is insane. Why would I risk everything?
Adrian Monk: Well, you really didn't have a choice, did you, Glenn? I knew Christiaan wasn't your real name soon as you said you were 37 years old. You told Sharona that you were named after Christiaan Barnard, but he wasn't famous until 1967. After you were born.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: I put the F.B.I. on it. They were looking for you. Your real name is Glenn Q Sindell. You killed a child five years ago.
Christiaan Vezza: Accident.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You were operating on her so doped up, you couldn't see straight.
Christiaan Vezza: Accident.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Convicted of manslaughter and reckless endangerment, you were looking at 15 years minimum. You jumped bail before sentencing, and then you disappeared.
Adrian Monk: Until now. And somehow, somehow, Biederbeck learned your secret. And from that moment on, he owned you, didn't he?
Dale Biederbeck: Listen, I just have to say, fantastic work, really. Both of you, kudos. And- And for the record, I am shocked, shocked, that my personal physician is both a fugitive and a cold-blooded killer. Shocked. But you can't really tie me to the crime, can you?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, now, that really depends on Mr. Sindell. What do you say, Glenn? Would you like to talk to us?
Christiaan Vezza: It'll be my pleasure. I'm looking forward to testifying against you. Maybe once and for all, I can redeem myself for everything I've done. All the pain I've caused. I detest you.
Dale Biederbeck: Do you?
Christiaan Vezza: With every fiber of my being. Biederbeck, you're an abomination. An odious, gluttonous, putrid freak of nature.
Dale Biederbeck: Wow, it's been a long time since anyone's called me that.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dale Biederbeck: Listen, by the time my lawyers are through with you, you're not gonna know which end is up. There's not a prison in the country that can hold me.
Adrian Monk: There's very few shopping malls that can hold you. But, nonetheless, we're gonna give it a try.
Dale Biederbeck: You... [reaches for Monk's neck]
Sharona: What's he doing?
Adrian Monk: I think he's trying to kill me. [Dale gives up] Wasn't really much of a fight, was it?


 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode