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‘Mr. Monk and the Bully’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Bully

714. Mr. Monk and the Bully

Aired February 6, 2009

Monk is contacted by his childhood bully who suspects his wife is having an affair.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: So identical twins? That's one for the books.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I said twins.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, you always say twins.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Listen. Do you hear that?
Natalie: What? The birds?
Adrian Monk: Not the birds. Don't you hear that? The toilet tank refilling. Toilet tank of life.
Natalie: Come on, Mr. Monk. I'll drive you home.
Adrian Monk: It's what Plato called the great cosmic swirly. There's no escaping it.
Natalie: Plato said that?
Adrian Monk: I'm paraphrasing. I'm gonna need that shower cap back.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Okay, look. Roderick Brody changed my life. Maybe as much as Trudy did. He ruined everything. It was childhood's end really.
Dr. Bell: You know, I had a bully in school too. He would wait for me every morning outside the bicycle rack.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Sorry to interrupt. You went to your father for advice and he told you to face up to the bully and the bully backed down.
Dr. Bell: Yes, more or less, yes.
Adrian Monk: What a wonderful anecdote. It'll give me something to think about at 1:00 when my head is in the man's toilet.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Bell: Why don't you just cancel? Just say you're busy.
Adrian Monk: Natalie won't let me! It's the first paying customer we've had in three weeks. Look, what I need is a note, okay? A note from you. Something I can show Natalie to get me out of this.
Dr. Bell: Adrian, I'm not gonna write you a note.
Adrian Monk: You don't have to write it. It's already written. All you have to do is sign it.
Dr. Bell: Adrian, this isn't gym class. Now you've been talking about this Roderick Brody since the first session. And as I recall, you're still having nightmares about him. See, I think this meeting today is a gift. It's an opportunity.
Adrian Monk: Maybe you right. Let's sign the note.
Dr. Bell: It's an opportunity to confront your deepest and most troubling fears. To finally resolve them. Put them all behind you. Not many people get this chance.
Adrian Monk: I see your point. I never looked at it like that. Can I have the note back?
Dr. Bell: Sure. Wait a- You're not planning to forge my signature?
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] No, no, no. [tries to grab the note]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hi, excuse me. Hi, we're looking for this woman.
Bartender: You a cop?
Adrian Monk: Just an old friend.
Bartender: Haven't seen her.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Maybe General Washington can refresh your memory.
Bartender: Is that a dollar?
Adrian Monk: Okay, I get it. Who knows, maybe there are... two General Washingtons. [Bartender walks away] Where are you going? Where's he going? Got to admire the guy. He's incorruptible.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: What is that? Is that your camera? Where did you get that?
Adrian Monk: It was a birthday gift.
Natalie: From who? Thomas Edison?
Adrian Monk: It was from my nana.
Natalie: Wait, is there actual film in it?
Adrian Monk: Of course there's film in it. I have three pictures left. There's not enough light. So...
Natalie: Is that a flash cube?
Adrian Monk: Bingo. Hold this. Hold it.
Natalie: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: It's an old private eye trick. Hold that. I'm gonna use it as a mirror.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: How do we tell' em apart? Say aunt.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, let's arrest the one that wasn't drowning.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah. Yeah, that works too.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Thank you again for squeezing me in.
Dr. Bell: Oh, I'm happy to do it, Adrian. There's just something I still don't understand. We already had an appointment for 3:00.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, 3:00 is too late. You remember Roderick Brody?
Dr. Bell: Yes, that's the bully from middle school who used to, you know. In the lavatory.
Adrian Monk: Swirlies. They're called swirlies. He called yesterday. I'm supposed to meet with him this afternoon.
Dr. Bell: Oh. What does he want?
Adrian Monk: What do you think he wants? He wants to pick up where he left off.
Dr. Bell: Adrian, I don't think a 50-year-old man is calling you back after all this time just to... To give you another swirly.
Adrian Monk: You don't, huh?
Dr. Bell: No, I don't.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Let's just hear what he has to say. If you're not comfortable, we'll leave. I promise.
Adrian Monk: Really? I'm not comfortable.
Natalie: Come on.
Adrian Monk: Not comfortable.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, we haven't even said hello.
Adrian Monk: Wait. Wait. Okay, wait! Okay, wait, wait.
Natalie: What is that? Is that a shower cap?
Adrian Monk: Sometimes he'd let me wear one.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I don't think we're gonna be needing that.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: She seems nice. How bad could her husband be?
Adrian Monk: Doesn't always work like that. Eva Braun took in stray puppies for god's sake.
Natalie: At least we know his checks won't bounce.
Adrian Monk: Look at that thing. That is hideous. [toilet flushes] God. He's warming up. Shower cap.
Natalie: No.
Adrian Monk: Shower cap!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Roderick Brody: Listen, Adrian, I gotta be honest. I've heard stories. I heard you went a little crazy since we graduated. Now I just need to know, is it funny crazy or sad crazy?
Natalie: Funny crazy.
Adrian Monk: Sad crazy. Excuse me. There's something that I have to say. "Roderick Brody, you stole something from me. You stole my childhood. The boy that you tormented has grown into a broken man. I am now damaged goods. I will never recover from the wounds that you inflicted on me. I will never forget you. And I will never forgive you."
Roderick Brody: So it's sad crazy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: What was that about?
Adrian Monk: She's cheating on him.
Natalie: We don't know that.
Adrian Monk: Of course we do. It has to be true. It's always true. And I get to tell him, Natalie. This is gonna kill him!
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you can't enjoying this.
Adrian Monk: I am loving it. Look, it's a beautiful day. I think the sun's coming out. Oh, my God. This is better than a swirly. I win. Do you understand? After 40 years, I win.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: That way.
Natalie: Why that way?
Adrian Monk: I feel lucky! Isn't this a great case? Isn't this the best case ever?
Natalie: I've never seen you like this.
Adrian Monk: I never knew revenge could be so sweet. And you know what makes it even sweeter? Give up? Roderick Brody is paying for it. He is footing the bill for his own comeuppance. And that is the best kind of comeuppance there is. Excuse me, kind sir. Have you seen this woman? She's cheating on a guy who used to put my head in a toilet bowl. Isn't that great?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: His name is Douglas Fendle. Do you know him?
Roderick Brody: Fendle? No.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure? Young, strapping, good-looking guy. Virile. You don't know him?
Natalie: She met him at a bar on Vinton Street, had a couple of drinks, and he left first.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, the virile guy left first. We followed him to the Avalon hotel on Jackson place.
Natalie: Roderick, I'm really sorry.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're really, really sorry.
Roderick Brody: I don't see anything. This is so dark.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, well that film expired about 35-40 years ago. But that's her. If you want to cry, go ahead. We understand.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: All right, how about this? I'll keep digging. I'll get a better camera. I'll get a digital computer camera. So there won't be any doubt.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Yeah, look, Mr. Monk, I have to tell you something. I made a decision. If you want to keep following Mrs.
Brody, I suppose that's your right. Although it really isn't. But I can't help you anymore.
Adrian Monk: Why not?
Natalie: I'm just not comfortable. Her husband fired us.
Adrian Monk: It's what they call pro bono.
Natalie: No, pro bono is for lawyers. This is stalking.
Adrian Monk: No, this is comeuppance. Pro bono comeuppance.
Natalie: No, that is just crazy talk.
Adrian Monk: It's not crazy talk.
Natalie: Pro bono comeuppance? It's craziest talk there is. You heard what he said. He wants you to quit.
Adrian Monk: I wanted him to quit! I begged him to quit 40 years ago in stall number three.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: His name is Douglas J. Fendle. Or, rather it was Douglas J. Fendle. I guess still is. But doesn't matter. Let's move on.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Let me talk to you for a minute please. Do you think Roderick Brody did this? Well, he said he didn't believe us.
Adrian Monk: Apparently he reconsidered.
Natalie: Well, that's horrible. A man is dead.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I know. And that's a murder in the first degree. And you know what that means? Prison swirlies. Prison swirlies. You don't even want to know about prison swirlies. They're not even technically real swirlies. You were right about karma. It is fantastic.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: We've been following him.
Natalie: Right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You were following him? I wonder why.
Adrian Monk: Well, he was seeing a woman. A married woman. And we're following her.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You were following the woman. I wonder why.
Natalie: Her husband hired us.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Until you hear different, I wonder why?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: What? What are you doing? You're doing divorce work now?
Natalie: No, he was just doing a favor. He was an old friend of Mr. Monk's.
Adrian Monk: Wouldn't exactly say he was a friend. More of an acquaintance actually. He beat me up every week for three years.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And that would explain the stupid grin on your face. You think you're getting even.
Adrian Monk: I know I'm getting even.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I told you about your wife and Mr. Fendle. And then two hours later, Fendle was dead. It looks pretty bad, Roddy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Um, skipping ahead. 8:00 last night?
Roderick Brody: I told you. I was home with Marilyn. We rented a movie.
Adrian Monk: What's the matter, Roddy? You look a little flushed. Get it?
Roderick Brody: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Neither do i.
Lieutenant Disher: Flushed?
Adrian Monk: He gets it. Trust me. He gets it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, Monk, we'll take it from here, okay? Thank you.
Adrian Monk: I bet the room is just swirling around you right now, isn't it? It's swirling all around. Your whole life is about to go down the drain. Wait, I have more. Your thoughts are overflowing.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, there you are. What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Ssh. Listen. You hear that? Birds. They're singing. Is that a lark?
Natalie: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: You know how I feel? Liberated. I should've confronted that S.O. You-know-what years ago. B. I still can't believe I won.
Natalie: Yeah, Mr. Monk, I don't think anybody really won anything.
Adrian Monk: You're right of course. You're right. Except me. I won big time.
Natalie: Are you gonna start singing?
Adrian Monk: I could! I almost could.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Roderick Brody: You know, to tell you the truth, I'm not so sure about that anymore. The woman I saw, maybe she wasn't Marilyn. My eyes aren't so great. I could've been wrong.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. You weren't wrong. It was her.
Roderick Brody: I'm just, I'm not convinced. I need some real proof. You know, last night was our anniversary and Marilyn surprised me. She bought us tickets. We're going on a cruise. Like a second honeymoon thing. I think we're in a good place.
Adrian Monk: No, no. You're in a bad place. You're in heartbreak hotel. Look at the next one.
Roderick Brody: Is that a spoon?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, look closer. See the reflection? See, that's them. That's your wife. That's your beloved wife. This is killing you.
Roderick Brody: I don't see it.
Adrian Monk: No, it's eating you up.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You know what I am gonna do though? I'm gonna do a cartwheel. I'm gonna do a cartwheel right here. You might want to stand back. It's my first cartwheel. That's perfect. Plenty of room there. Great. I'm gonna do it right here. What am I doing? A man's been killed, right? A man was stabbed to death.
Natalie: Yeah, that's what I've been saying.
Adrian Monk: This is no time for cartwheels. Why don't I listen to you?
Natalie: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: On the other hand, I have been waiting 40 years for this. I mean this is a moment to savor. It may never happen again. I'm doing the cartwheel. I am doing it. I can't do it. It's ghoulish! I mean, one man dead, another man going to jail. Am I a ghoul?
Natalie: No, you're not a ghoul.
Adrian Monk: What is a ghoul?
Natalie: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: I don't care! That is my arch enemy! One cartwheel. I gotta do it. I can't do it. Natalie, do the Cartwheel.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: Come on, it's a good compromise. Cartwheel by proxy. And don't forget to say "wee." Gotta say "wee!"

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Well, I've decided to really help you. Until now I've sort of been faking it. The truth is I was hoping that your wife was cheating on you. I was sort of glad when you got arrested.
Roderick Brody: You were glad?
Adrian Monk: Well I figured, it was payback.
Roderick Brody: For what?
Adrian Monk: For what? For- For what?
Roderick Brody: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: For seventh grade! For ruining my life! Weren't- Weren't you listening?
Roderick Brody: Are you talking about the swirlies?
Adrian Monk: Yes! Yes, yes, yes. You used to terrorize me.
Roderick Brody: Hey, you gave as good as you got.
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about?
Roderick Brody: You didn't just roll over like a lot of those kids. I remember. You called me names. You hurt my feelings. And you splashed me.
Adrian Monk: I splashed you?
Roderick Brody: Yeah, but I don't dwell on it. What am I gonna do? Hold a grudge for 30 years? I figure we're even.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I can't look. This is the worst comeuppance ever. You lied to me.
Natalie: About what?
Adrian Monk: Karma.
Natalie: You're blaming me for this?
Adrian Monk: Yes. Yes, I am.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Roderick Brody: Oh, I know she's lying. I just can't figure out why. I've been sitting here for two hours wrecking my brain.
Adrian Monk: Racking your brain.
Roderick Brody: Here's what I know, okay? I know I didn't do it. And I know she didn't do it cause I was with her all night.
Adrian Monk: Where did she get the knife. [walks towards mirror]
Roderick Brody: I don't know. Where did she get the knife? I can't figure it. Something's going on here but I... Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: That's me.
Roderick Brody: Yeah. It's a mirror.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. She did it.
Roderick Brody: Who did what?
Adrian Monk: Marilyn. Your wife. Last night she was at the hotel. She killed Doug Fendle.
Roderick Brody: I feel like I'm in eighth grade geometry class here I don't understand. I told you I was with her. Was she with me or was she at the hotel?
Adrian Monk: Yes. And no. She was with you and she was at the hotel.
Roderick Brody: She was both?
Adrian Monk: Twins.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: So how did you know?
Adrian Monk: Little things. They began to add up. When I first met her, she mentioned her aunt in Texas. She pronounced it "ant." This morning, she said...
Marilyn Brady: "My aunt is flying in tomorrow."
Adrian Monk: And the fingernails. Two days ago, she was biting them. This morning they were long and perfectly manicured.


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