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‘Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist

415. Mr. Monk Goes to the Dentist

Aired March 10, 2006

After Lieutenant Disher goes to the dentist to have a tooth extracted, he is sure the dentist and hygienist killed somebody while he was under anesthetic.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: You and Monk were there, right? Did you notice anything?
Adrian Monk: No, I wasn't really on my game. I have this thing about dentists. Kroger calls it a supermegaphobia. If germs are here and snakes are here, the dentists are... You see that branch up there? The second one from the top? The one above that one.

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Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: [sings] I'm tired of sucking up And I'm tired of sucking up and working for the man Keeping people down 'cause the law says I can Cuff my brothers and sisters that's not the way to be But honey those days are gone Cause baby I am free I don't need a badge to tell me wrong from right I don't need a badge to tell me day from night I don't need a badge because my eyes can see I don't need a badge 'cause baby I am free.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, this is Randy we're talking about. He would do anything for you.
Adrian Monk: And I would do anything for him except this, Natalie. I can't do it. I have a thing about dentists.
Natalie: You have a thing about everything.
Adrian Monk: That's true, but dentists are in a separate category altogether, okay? I can't even discuss it. I can't even think about discussing it. I can't even talk about thinking about discussing it.
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, everybody's afraid of dentists.
Adrian Monk: Not like this. Not like this.
Natalie: Okay, okay, okay. How afraid are you? On a scale of 1 to 10.
Adrian Monk: Ha, 10? I am so far beyond 10, I laugh at your 10s. I lie awake at night dreaming about 10s. The chair and the probing and the drilling and the rinsing.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Oh, highlights for children. Oh, find the hidden picture. I used to love these. Where is the egg beater?
Adrian Monk: It's under the sled.
Natalie: You're right.
Adrian Monk: And the umbrella is in the cloud above the snowman. And the fish is next to the ice skate.
Natalie: Okay, how are you doing that?
Adrian Monk: I read that same issue 35 years ago. It was in the... It was in the dentist's office.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: [whimpers]
Natalie: God, I just heard one of those guys was about to get married. [Disher sobs] Randy? I know, I know, it's heartbreaking. They were so young. Sweetie, it's okay to cry. It means you have a heart. Here, look at me. You're a compassionate person. That's nothing to be ashamed of.
Lieutenant Disher: It hurts.
Natalie: I know. I know it hurts. You don't want anybody to see you? I understand. You know what? If anyone says anything, we'll just say that you, uh...
Lieutenant Disher: My tooth, oh...
Natalie: Yeah, perfect, that you have a toothache.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, God. God, this hurts.
Natalie: Okay, I think that's overdoing it.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, please, Jesus, somebody just shoot me.
Natalie: Randy, no one's gonna believe that.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Natalie: You're checking out the dentist?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I figured it couldn't hurt to check him out.
Natalie: You're doing this for Randy, aren't you? Why don't you just call him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Because he quit. Randy is an adult. He made a decision and I respect it.
Natalie: You miss him, I can tell.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Natalie, it's not like we were going steady, okay? We worked together. He was just another cop.
Natalie: That is not true.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're right, it's not true. He's not just another cop, he was the single most annoying human being to ever wear a badge. [Monk gargles mouthwash] Present company excepted.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: [sings on music video] I don't need a gun to make me feel strong I don't need a captain shoot me down all day long I don't need your mustache don't you condescend to me I don't need nobody 'cause baby I am free No I don't need nobody baby I am free
Natalie: Wow, that had some good energy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, a lot of energy. Let's watch it again sometime.
Lieutenant Disher: It doesn't matter. I mean, the band broke up anyway. We couldn't agree on anything. Name, what kind of music to play, or whether or not I should shut up.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, what do you do when you get a cavity?
Adrian Monk: I don't get a cavity. I don't get cavities. I brush my teeth 12 times a day and I floss every 90 minutes.
Natalie: So you've never been to a dentist.
Adrian Monk: Once, when I was 12.
Natalie: How'd that go?
Adrian Monk: Not well.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Okay, you guys, let's try this new one. I printed up some lyric sheets.
Chad: Why do we need lyric sheets? You're the only one singing.
Lieutenant Disher: Just so you can follow along. So you know what it's about. We're making a statement.
Aaron: We are?
Lieutenant Disher: Okay, let's do it, from the top. A five, six, seven, eight.
Brendan: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that?
Lieutenant Disher: Counting off.
Brendan: Five, six, seven, eight? That's for dancing.
Lieutenant Disher: No, it's not.
Brendan: You're supposed to go, "one, two, three, four."
Lieutenant Disher: Come on, what's the difference?
Brendan: It's rock 'n roll, man.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Hey, guys, guys, why don't we just stick to the original material, okay? I mean, that's what the people wanna hear.
Aaron: What people? Randy, we're in my stepfather's garage.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, Aaron, there might be people one day. I mean, touring, record deal? Come on, guys, wasn't that the dream?
Brendan: Maybe 17 years ago in 12th grade?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, you know what? I still believe in the dream. I mean, I believe in the Randy Disher Project. Come on, I quit my job for this.
Chad: Big mistake.
Lieutenant Disher: All right, let's just do it, okay? From the top.
Brendan: If you say "five, six, seven, eight" again, I quit. I'm just telling you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Terri: Thank you for waiting. The doctor will be right with you.
Adrian Monk: There's no rush. Why are you doing this? Why are you doing this? Please. Please. What are you gonna do? I didn't really have a smudge, did I?
Terri: You should be flattered. The doctor doesn't usually come in this late. Especially for new patients.
Adrian Monk: That tooth. The roots are about ten inches apart, aren't they?
Terri: If you say so.
Adrian Monk: I get it now. I know what happened. The drivers fought back during the hijacking. Denny Jardeen got hit in the face. He must have knocked a tooth loose. So Jardeen came here to get his tooth fixed. Makes sense. He's an ex-cop, and you're on the medical plan. He must have talked in his sleep. Dr. Bloom said a lot of patients do. He told you everything. About the robbery, where they hid the money, it must have been like winning the lottery.
Terri: If you say so.
Adrian Monk: That night, you went to Jardeen's house, found the money, figured it was safe, that he would never remember telling you anything. But you were wrong. He did remember. Or maybe, when the money went missing, he just figured it out. He came back here Tuesday night while you were working on Randy. Randy witnessed the whole thing, sort of. He was right about everything, wasn't he?
Terri: If you say so.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: I still don't see what's wrong with the Randy Disher Project.
Aaron: I never liked that name. Even in high school.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Okay, what about the Randy Disher Experience?
Chad: How about Severe Tire Damage?
Aaron: Okay, how about mellow knights with a K?
Lieutenant Disher: I gotta say I'm leaning towards the Randy Disher experience.
Brendan: How about this? I'm gonna open up a newspaper and the first word I see that's our name. Baghdad. That's good actually. I kind of like that.
Aaron: Baghdad.
Lieutenant Disher: Let me see that. $13 million in bearer bonds stolen. Bearer bonds. Barry Bonds. Not Barry Bonds. They were saying bearer bonds!

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: You okay?
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, toothache.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wait, is that the same tooth? I told you to take care of that.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I am. I'm chewing on the other side. It's fine, I hardly notice it. [whimpers]
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're crying. Randy, you're no good to me like this. Go to a dentist.
Lieutenant Disher: I have an appointment Saturday.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, I get it. You don't wanna use up your sick days. You're saving your sick days for when you're not feeling sick, is that it? I'm gonna go talk to Monk. You make me wanna talk to Monk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: There's some oil on the floor.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is that a clue? Is that important?
Adrian Monk: Nah, there's oil on the floor.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'll call the EPA.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: So, do you, uh any ideas about the robbery?
Adrian Monk: Did you notice the back bumper, how damaged it was?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: And these side mirrors are pushed in. I don't think this armored car was driven here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It wasn't?
Adrian Monk: No. I think it was carried somehow in the back of a bigger truck. You see the tire tracks from a larger vehicle.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're right. It was probably an 18-wheeler about 14 feet wide. So they brought the armored car here, they unload it. How did they get the drivers out of the cab?
Adrian Monk: With this. A piece of rubber tubing. They drilled the hole here in the Plexiglas.
Captain Stottlemeyer: They gassed them out.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Bag this up.
Natalie: He has a toothache.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I know. He's been bitching about it all week.
Natalie: What, it's a real toothache?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah.
Natalie: I can't believe you lied to me like that. Why didn't you just say I have a toothache?
Lieutenant Disher: I did, like ten times.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, if you don't take care of this tooth immediately today, I'm gonna rip it out myself, understand?
Lieutenant Disher: Fine. [Natalie shoves Disher] What?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Terri: Hey, sleeping beauty. Welcome back.
Lieutenant Disher: Are you all right?
Terri: Am I all right? Why wouldn't I be?
Lieutenant Disher: There was a man in here.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: She has men in here all the time.
Lieutenant Disher: You- You were fighting.
Dr. Oliver Bloom: Well, there was a fight, all right. Between me and this molar here. It didn't wanna come out. There's gonna be some sensitivity for a few days. Now, I wrote you a prescription. This should help with the pain. Now, don't take more than one every four hours.
Terri: Oh, and I almost forgot. Your sticker.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: I think that he, Dr. Bloom and his assistant Terri, I mean, I think they murdered someone.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You saw it?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, sort of. I was sedated.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You were sedated? Randy, one time, I was under anesthesia. I thought my moustache was a chipmunk.
Detective Patterson: I was the Green Lantern once. It was great. I didn't wanna wake up.
Lieutenant Disher: Look, I was supposed to be out for 30 minutes. But I was under for almost two hours.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Was there a body?
Lieutenant Disher: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Any signs of struggle?
Lieutenant Disher: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And who did they kill?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know. It was a guy. Male, Caucasian, 5'11", 200 pounds. They were arguing about Barry Bonds. And I'm pretty sure that I can ID him.
Detective Patterson: The baseball player?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. I think this guy thought Dr. Bloom kidnapped Barry Bonds. I mean, they were arguing about how much Barry Bonds was worth.
Detective Patterson: Hey, you know, if your dentist played baseball, you know what team he'd play for? The Yanks. Get it? [Stottlemeyer laughs]
Lieutenant Disher: It's not funny.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's a little funny, Randy. Look, why don't you, um take a walk. Clear you head. Here, drop this off at Monk's. He's waiting for this. Then take the rest of the day off, okay? Go to the movies, go to the beach. Okay? Get out of here. I'll call you later.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: Monk, can I ask you a question? What do you normally charge? You know, for someone who wants to hire you. I mean, not the department. A private party.
Adrian Monk: Like who?
Lieutenant Disher: Like me.
Natalie: Is this about the dentist?
Adrian Monk: The captain called us. He said you had a reaction to the anesthesia. You were probably hallucinating.
Lieutenant Disher: No, I wasn't hallucinating. It really happened. It was as real as you are right now standing in front of me.
Adrian Monk: Randy, I'm not standing. But if you need my help you don't have to pay me. All you have to do is ask. I mean, you're one of my oldest friends. I've known you for years.
Lieutenant Disher: Thank you. I want you to come back to the dentist's office with me.
Adrian Monk: Let me finish. Unfortunately, at the moment, I have a lot of things on my plate.
Natalie: No, you don't.
Adrian Monk: Well, I have this armored car thing. I have to read this whole file that's about 120 pages. And I just found a typo, by the way. And I have to replace the lint filter on my dryer. Filters do not replace themselves.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, can I talk to you for a minute?
Adrian Monk: I have to talk to Natalie for a minute.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: You know, this is ridiculous. We're just gonna go there and look around. You're not a patient. You're not sitting in the chair. There's no probing. There's no drilling. I'll be with you the whole time.
Adrian Monk: But I...
Natalie: No. [to Disher] He's happy to do it.

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