Captain Stottlemeyer: You and Monk were there, right? Did you notice anything?
Adrian Monk: No, I wasn't really on my game. I have this thing about dentists. Kroger calls it a supermegaphobia. If germs are here and snakes are here, the dentists are... You see that branch up there? The second one from the top? The one above that one.

Lieutenant Disher: [sings] I'm tired of sucking up And I'm tired of sucking up and working for the man Keeping people down 'cause the law says I can Cuff my brothers and sisters that's not the way to be But honey those days are gone Cause baby I am free I don't need a badge to tell me wrong from right I don't need a badge to tell me day from night I don't need a badge because my eyes can see I don't need a badge 'cause baby I am free.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, this is Randy we're talking about. He would do anything for you.
Adrian Monk: And I would do anything for him except this, Natalie. I can't do it. I have a thing about dentists.
Natalie: You have a thing about everything.
Adrian Monk: That's true, but dentists are in a separate category altogether, okay? I can't even discuss it. I can't even think about discussing it. I can't even talk about thinking about discussing it.
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, everybody's afraid of dentists.
Adrian Monk: Not like this. Not like this.
Natalie: Okay, okay, okay. How afraid are you? On a scale of 1 to 10.
Adrian Monk: Ha, 10? I am so far beyond 10, I laugh at your 10s. I lie awake at night dreaming about 10s. The chair and the probing and the drilling and the rinsing.

Natalie: Oh, highlights for children. Oh, find the hidden picture. I used to love these. Where is the egg beater?
Adrian Monk: It's under the sled.
Natalie: You're right.
Adrian Monk: And the umbrella is in the cloud above the snowman. And the fish is next to the ice skate.
Natalie: Okay, how are you doing that?
Adrian Monk: I read that same issue 35 years ago. It was in the... It was in the dentist's office.

Lieutenant Disher: [whimpers]
Natalie: God, I just heard one of those guys was about to get married. [Disher sobs] Randy? I know, I know, it's heartbreaking. They were so young. Sweetie, it's okay to cry. It means you have a heart. Here, look at me. You're a compassionate person. That's nothing to be ashamed of.
Lieutenant Disher: It hurts.
Natalie: I know. I know it hurts. You don't want anybody to see you? I understand. You know what? If anyone says anything, we'll just say that you, uh...
Lieutenant Disher: My tooth, oh...
Natalie: Yeah, perfect, that you have a toothache.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, God. God, this hurts.
Natalie: Okay, I think that's overdoing it.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, please, Jesus, somebody just shoot me.
Natalie: Randy, no one's gonna believe that.

Natalie: You're checking out the dentist?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I figured it couldn't hurt to check him out.
Natalie: You're doing this for Randy, aren't you? Why don't you just call him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Because he quit. Randy is an adult. He made a decision and I respect it.
Natalie: You miss him, I can tell.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Natalie, it's not like we were going steady, okay? We worked together. He was just another cop.
Natalie: That is not true.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're right, it's not true. He's not just another cop, he was the single most annoying human being to ever wear a badge. [Monk gargles mouthwash] Present company excepted.

Lieutenant Disher: [sings on music video] I don't need a gun to make me feel strong I don't need a captain shoot me down all day long I don't need your mustache don't you condescend to me I don't need nobody 'cause baby I am free No I don't need nobody baby I am free
Natalie: Wow, that had some good energy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, a lot of energy. Let's watch it again sometime.
Lieutenant Disher: It doesn't matter. I mean, the band broke up anyway. We couldn't agree on anything. Name, what kind of music to play, or whether or not I should shut up.

Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk, what do you do when you get a cavity?
Adrian Monk: I don't get a cavity. I don't get cavities. I brush my teeth 12 times a day and I floss every 90 minutes.
Natalie: So you've never been to a dentist.
Adrian Monk: Once, when I was 12.
Natalie: How'd that go?
Adrian Monk: Not well.

Lieutenant Disher: Okay, you guys, let's try this new one. I printed up some lyric sheets.
Chad: Why do we need lyric sheets? You're the only one singing.
Lieutenant Disher: Just so you can follow along. So you know what it's about. We're making a statement.
Aaron: We are?
Lieutenant Disher: Okay, let's do it, from the top. A five, six, seven, eight.
Brendan: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What was that?
Lieutenant Disher: Counting off.
Brendan: Five, six, seven, eight? That's for dancing.
Lieutenant Disher: No, it's not.
Brendan: You're supposed to go, "one, two, three, four."
Lieutenant Disher: Come on, what's the difference?
Brendan: It's rock 'n roll, man.

Lieutenant Disher: Hey, guys, guys, why don't we just stick to the original material, okay? I mean, that's what the people wanna hear.
Aaron: What people? Randy, we're in my stepfather's garage.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, Aaron, there might be people one day. I mean, touring, record deal? Come on, guys, wasn't that the dream?
Brendan: Maybe 17 years ago in 12th grade?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, you know what? I still believe in the dream. I mean, I believe in the Randy Disher Project. Come on, I quit my job for this.
Chad: Big mistake.
Lieutenant Disher: All right, let's just do it, okay? From the top.
Brendan: If you say "five, six, seven, eight" again, I quit. I'm just telling you.