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‘Mr. Monk Goes Back to School’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes Back to School

201. Mr. Monk Goes Back to School

Aired June 20, 2003

Monk goes to Trudy's former high school to investigate the death of a teacher who apparently jumped to her death during an exam.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Derek Philby: Excuse me. What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'm just making them even.
Derek Philby: But you're mixing the regular with the decaf.
Adrian Monk: But they're even.
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.
Adrian Monk: But they're they're even.
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.
Adrian Monk: But they're even.
Derek Philby: But they're mixed together.
Adrian Monk: ... But they're even. So the test was in progress when the car alarm sounded?

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Adrian, don't do that.
Adrian Monk: I'm just centering the pieces.
Sharona: I know what you're doing. I'm trying to concentrate.
Adrian Monk: Hold on. You'll thank me later.
Sharona: You always say that. Have I ever once thanked you later?
Adrian Monk: No.

Quote from Sharona

Adrian Monk: Oh, ho-ho! You don't want to move there.
Sharona: Why not?
Adrian Monk: I'll capture your queen with my bishop. [Sharona licks the chess piece] What are you doing?
Sharona: What? Your move.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, I win. You just forfeited.
Sharona: Why?
Adrian Monk: You can't do that. It's illegal.
Sharona: What?
Adrian Monk: You know what. You can't lick the queen. She's my queen. Doesn't matter whose queen it is. You can't lick any queen. It's an unwritten rule.
Sharona: There's an unwritten licking-the-queen rule?
Adrian Monk: You're not even allowed to touch a piece during a game. You can ask anybody.
Sharona: Oh, my God. You have been touching pieces left and right. You have been sexually harassing every piece on this board.
Adrian Monk: I was centering them. That's different.
Sharona: How's that different?
Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay. Okay. I'll move. There.
Sharona: Check.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, I imagine this is your worst nightmare a crime scene on a roof.
Adrian Monk: No. It's not my worst nightmare. It's my fourth worst. Uh... No, wait. Fifth. No, fourth. Fourth. Fourth or fifth. I didn't bring the list with me.

Quote from Sharona

Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Excuse me. My name is Adrian Monk, and this is Sharona Fleming, my assistant.
Sharona: Col- Colleague.
Adrian Monk: My assistant-slash-colleague.
Sharona: Colleague-slash-assistant.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I bet you always sat at the popular kids' table. I bet that was you over there.
Sharona: Where were you?
Adrian Monk: I'm over there. I should go over and talk to him.
Sharona: What would you say?
Adrian Monk: "Things get worse."
Lunch Lady: Mixed vegetables or mac-cheese?
Sharona: Can I have both?
Adrian Monk: Can I have neither?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: He's the guy.
Sharona: Who's the guy?
Adrian Monk: "Mr. Science." Derek Philby. He asked about a suicide note. I never mentioned a note.
Sharona: Well, maybe he just assumed. Isn't there usually a suicide note?
Adrian Monk: As a matter of fact, there isn't. Also, he cheats on his wife.
Sharona: How do we know this?
Adrian Monk: Wedding ring.
Sharona: He was wearing his wedding ring.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I know. But he takes it off a lot. When he opened his wallet, I noticed a small indentation in the leather where he keeps it.
Sharona: You noticed that? A little indentation?
Adrian Monk: It's a gift and a curse.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: He's the guy.
Sharona: But, Adrian, he was proctoring the S.A.T.s at the time, and there were 50 students in the room.
Adrian Monk: That's true.
Sharona: So how could he have killed her? He can't be in two places at once.
Adrian Monk: I know. It's impossible. But he's the guy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: There's my girl.
Sharona: She looked happy.
Adrian Monk: Oh, she was very happy. She hadn't met me yet.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Brings back memories, huh?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Mostly bad ones. Did you check out Beth Landow's appointment book?
Sharona: Yeah. Nothing unusual. She had a doctor's appointment three days ago. I'm-I'm looking into it. [to the lunch lady] Oh, thank you.
Adrian Monk: From this angle, that looks a little bit like food.
Lunch Lady: It's vegetarian lasagna.
Adrian Monk: No, thank you.

Quote from Benjy Fleming

Benjy: Mom says you're having a tough time at school.
Adrian Monk: Huh?
Benjy: Something about a bully?
Adrian Monk: It's a misunderstanding.
Benjy: Mom says he wants to kick your ass.
Adrian Monk: No. I mean, yes.
Benjy: Remember Jeffrey Appella? Kept beating me up in the fifth grade? You said if I ran away from him, I'd be running away my whole life.
Adrian Monk: I said that?
Benjy: I hit him in the side one time, and he never bothered me again. You can't be afraid of everything, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Really?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Adrian, she really wants to talk to us. She just gave me the address. She said it's very important.
Adrian Monk: Do you think we should go?
Sharona: It could be a job.
Adrian Monk: Do you want to leave now?
Sharona: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Before we finish the game?
Sharona: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Then you forfeit.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: My wife went here. Did you know her? Trudy Ellison.
Iverson: No. I only been here a year.
Adrian Monk: She was valedictorian.
Iverson: Great. Congratulations.
Adrian Monk: She was on the yearbook committee-
Sharona: Adrian, he didn't know her.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: Captain, Adrian Monk is downstairs.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why?
Lieutenant Disher: The vice principal asked him to look into it. It turns out that Trudy, his former... ex-wife... late
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I know who Trudy was, Lieutenant.
Lieutenant Disher: This is her alma mater. He'd like to come upstairs.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hang on. Nobody move. What am I forgetting? We got the prints off the railing.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We've got photographs of everything, every angle. Did you bag the shoes?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir. Done.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Medical examiner will get the tissue and the fibers.
Lieutenant Disher: Don't worry, sir. 'We're covered here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You got the code...
Lieutenant Disher: Sir. We've got it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. Let him up.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Sharona: What's Homicide doing here? It's supposed to be a suicide.
Lieutenant Disher: It's not a suicide until we say it's a suicide. This happens to be one.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: She folded her jacket there? Why did she leave her shoes over here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: She jumped. She was taking antidepressants, and we found a note.
Lieutenant Disher: It was in one of her pockets.
Adrian Monk: It's printed.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep.
Adrian Monk: Usually they're written longhand.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I've seen 'em printed. I've seen 'em written. I've seen 'em written in blood, I've seen 'em written in crayon. I've seen it all.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: "To whomever I may have hurt, the world and it's problems are just too much. I am so sorry. Beth." I don't think Beth Landow wrote this note. Why not? Well, it should be "its" "l-T-S," no apostrophe. And then here it would be "whoever,"not "whomever." This wasn't written by a, quote, "first-rate English teacher."
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, she was distraught.
Lieutenant Disher: She wasn't thinking straight.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's a suicide note, for Christ's sake!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Why would anyone park here with all these broken bottles? He could have parked anywhere.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I've parked on broken bottles before.
Adrian Monk: And the doors are unlocked.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. It's a safe neighborhood.
Adrian Monk: You're right. It is a safe neighborhood. So why was the alarm turned on?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: And it was your car that she landed on, right?
Derek Philby: Yeah. Even if they can fix it, I can't imagine driving it. It just wouldn't It wouldn't feel right.
Adrian Monk: No, of course not. Of course not. Could I ask you something?
Derek Philby: Apparently, there's no stopping you.
Adrian Monk: Why did you park by the tower? Isn't there faculty parking near the classrooms?
Derek Philby: I was gonna take a jog after the S.A.T.s, so I wanted to park by the field. Which reminds me, I need to call a taxi to get home. I have the number in here somewhere.
Adrian Monk: You left your car alarm on?
Derek Philby: Hmm?
Adrian Monk: You left your car alarm on, but your doors were unlocked.
Derek Philby: I forgot. I guess I'm not perfect.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] I guess you're not.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I think I'd like to spend a little more time with Mr. Philby, get to know him better.
Sharona: Adrian, you can't skulk around the school.
Adrian Monk: I'm not gonna skulk. I don't skulk.
Sharona: Stottlemeyer said the investigation is officially over.
Adrian Monk: She's right.
Arleen Cassady: We still haven't found a substitute to take Beth's class. [Monk smiles]
Sharona: Don't even think about it. They're teenagers.

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