Operator: 911. Emergency?
Adrian Monk: You've got to help me. Uh, look, I've just taken in a two-year-old boy. My, uh, assistant isn't home and I can't- I can't reach her. Oh. Oh, God. Oh.
Operator: Sir, what is the nature of your emergency?
Adrian Monk: It's everywhere. BM. It's BM. BM. BM. It's BM.
Operator: Sir, you have to stop saying BM now. Do you mean your child is soiling his diaper?
Adrian Monk: Yes. Yes, he's soiling his his diaper with, you know, with BM.
Operator: You mean you've never changed a diaper?
Adrian Monk: Hurry.
Operator: Okay, listen carefully. There should be two Velcro straps on the sides. Find the two straps.
Adrian Monk: Okay, I've got the straps.
Operator: Now rip 'em open.
Adrian Monk: Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh! Oh, my God. Oh, the humanity.
Operator: Okay, sir? All right, do you have any wipes?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I've got about 2,000.
Operator: That should be fine.
Adrian Monk: It's not going to be enough!
Operator: Sir, you're gonna have to wipe your son's bottom. [wails on the line] Sir, is the boy all right?
Adrian Monk: He's fine. That was me. Wait a minute. Oh, my God. He's making more.
Operator: I-ls it number one or number two?
Adrian Monk: It's one and two and... And... Oh, my God. It's... It's three. It's number three.
Operator: Sir, I'm afraid you're on your own. This line is for emergencies only.

Adrian Monk: "Once upon a time in a kingdom called San Francisco, there lived a brave little prince. And his name was Tommy Grazer. Tommy lived with a wicked king and queen. The queen was very greedy. She loved gold, and she wanted more and more. The queen had a plan. She would find a young fiddler from a wealthy family and kidnap him and hold him for ransom. They locked the fiddler in a dungeon. The fiddler's family was very sad. They would do anything to get him back. The wicked king and queen needed to prove that they were serious, so they chopped off the fiddler's finger and planned to leave it in the park. But Prince Tommy was very brave and very smart. He liked to reach into ladies' purses. He reached into the queen's purse and he grabbed the finger." That's where you found it, isn't it?
Tommy: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: "Then Tommy made a new friend named Mr. Monk. Mr. Monk remembered something that the wicked queen said: 'The kid found a pinkie. It's no big deal.' How did she know the missing finger was a pinkie? The police never released that information." And then, the most wonderful and surprising thing of all happened. Mr. Monk discovered that he loved that little prince. But he also realized that the little prince could never live happily ever after if he stayed at Mr. Monk's house, because Mr. Monk can barely take care of himself. And so, they're gonna have to say good-bye. The end.

Lab Tech: It is a left pinkie belonging to a male Caucasian about 25 years old. So far there's no match on the fingerprint. The digit was severed earlier today. We figure about 8:00 a.m., with some kind of gardening instrument, like pruning shears.
Natalie: They cut up a whole body with pruning shears?
Lieutenant Disher: No. Maybe they just cut off the fingers. That way, when they dumped the body later, there'd be no prints.
Adrian Monk: There's a callus.
Lab Tech: That's true. We think he might have played guitar.
Adrian Monk: No. Not guitar. It's at the wrong angle. He played the violin. There's some residue. It's sticky, like sap.
Lieutenant Disher: Tree sap. Lumberjack. A missing nine-fingered lumberjack.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who plays the violin.
Lieutenant Disher: Should I put a list together?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Absolutely. Make sure you don't run out of paper.

Natalie: Oh, my God. What is this? Why is he wearing a helmet?
Adrian Monk: It's to protect his head.
Natalie: That must be so uncomfortable.
Adrian Monk: Oh, he'll get used to it. I used to wear one all the time.
Natalie: Your parents made you wear a helmet?
Adrian Monk: No.

Man: [on the phone] Carlyle, have you got the money?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Man: Listen carefully. Take the money from the duffel bag put it in the trash bag, then get undressed.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Man: There's a bathrobe. Put it on and go up to the roof. You'll see a man on the next rooftop. Throw him the bag. Do you understand?
Adrian Monk: H-H-Hold on. Did you say get undressed?
Man: Well, we have to be sure you're not wearing a tracking device.
Adrian Monk: Okay, here's the thing, what if I promise you I am not wearing a tracking device? What if I give you my word?
Man: You think this is funny? Do it, or your kid brother loses another finger.
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Here's the thing. Uh, here... Here... Here's the thing. Uh, I'm just, uh, I'm... I'm not comfortable here. Uh, I'm not... Even... Even in high school, I couldn't change in the locker room. I- I got an incomplete almost every semester. I- l- I almost didn't graduate. Vice Principal Bradley had to call my mother at one point.
Man: What are you talking about? Are you trying to screw with us?
Adrian Monk: Oh, no, no. Then get up on the roof in a bathrobe with the money, or Daniel's dead.

Natalie: Hey, this is my friend. His name is Mr. Monk. He's gonna talk to you for a minute, okay?
Tommy: Monk.
Natalie: He's a very nice man.
Janet Novak: You're pretty good with kids.
Natalie: Oh. It's sort of my job. [looks at Monk]

Adrian Monk: Her name was Trudy, and she was 34 years old. We never found the killer. We had a lead in New York last year, but so far it's pretty much a dead end. Ooh. Careful. [Tommy picks up a stick] Oh. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Tommy, don't don't put that in your mouth. No. See? That is nature. See. We never put that in our mouth. Nature is dirty. See? Nature dirty. Nature dirty. Here, look. [takes out wipe] Here. Okay. Now look, I'm gonna give you... I'm gonna give you an extra wipe, you keep it in your pocket for later. You... You'll need that later. Here. Put it... Put it right in your pocket and keep it for later. Okay. Let's go.
Tommy: Nature dirty.
Adrian Monk: That's what I'm saying.

Theresa Crane: Now, before I go, do you have any questions for me?
Adrian Monk: Yes. Yes, I have a couple of questions. What does he eat?
Theresa Crane: He eats food. He eats whatever you eat, only smaller portions.
Adrian Monk: So he's like a person?
Theresa Crane: Exactly.
Adrian Monk: And when he wakes up...
Theresa Crane: Yes?
Adrian Monk: What do I do?
Theresa Crane: You... You take care of him. You play with him. You love him.
Adrian Monk: How? How? How do I love him?

Julie Teeger: [on the phone] Hello? Mr. Monk? Is Mom there?
Adrian Monk: Julie, Julie, listen, l- l- I took her phone. I- I had a couple of errands to run. Is Tommy okay?
Julie Teeger: He's fine.
Adrian Monk: He's- He's fine?
Julie Teeger: Don't freak out, okay? I spilt a little grape juice on the rug.
Adrian Monk: Listen very carefully. There are some cleaning supplies in the hall closet. They're arranged alphabetically, then by height, then by date of purchase. Find the rug cleaner, then find a scouring pad, then find some distilled water, Julie. Distilled water. Hold on a second. There's another call. [switches]
Man: I'm waiting. Where the hell are you?
Adrian Monk: Some grape juice spilled.
Man: Well, you got three minutes, or Daniel's dead.
Adrian Monk: Julie, I'll call you back.

Dr. Kroger: All right, so what, you you you threw the ransom money to the wrong man?
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Dr. Kroger: Does that happen a lot?
Adrian Monk: Oh yeah, more than you'd think.
Dr. Kroger: Really?
Adrian Monk: No, okay? Okay, no. It's... It's unprecedented.
Dr. Kroger: All right, so so, what what happens now?
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Carlyle gave me permission to call the Captain in. He recovered the ransom money. The kidnappers called back two hours later, thank God, and they're gonna set up another drop.