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‘Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month

307. Mr. Monk and the Employee of the Month

Aired August 6, 2004

Monk reluctantly takes a job at a hypermarket when an old colleague who was kicked off the force, Joe Christie (guest star Enrico Colantoni), asks for help.

Quote from Sharona

Captain Stottlemeyer: It's pretty routine. An industrial accident.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, her name was Edna Coruthers. The manager says she was a model employee, first one here, last one to leave. He figured she was checking on a delivery for a customer and, uh, a 42-inch flat-screen TV fell on her. She was killed instantly.
Sharona: That's horrible. Does the TV still work?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sharona, the TV just killed a woman.
Sharona: What are you going to do, lock it up?

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Quote from Benjy Fleming

Benjy: We're pouring two jigsaw puzzles out, 500 pieces each. Now we're mixing them together. Okay, open your eyes. Ready Go.
Rudy: Is he a robot?
Benjy: No, he's a person.
Rudy: Wow. What else can he do?
Benjy: He vacuums a lot, and he solves murders.
Rudy: You could sell tickets to this.
Benjy: I know, I know. I want to, but my mom won't let me. He's her boss.
Sharona: Benjy, what are you doing? He's not a toy.
Benjy: He doesn't care. He likes it. Don't you, Mr. Monk?

Quote from Dr. Kroger

Adrian Monk: You stole a granola bar. You took a bite and you put it in your pocket.
Dr. Kroger: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Adrian, that- That really hurts me.
Adrian Monk: It hurts me, too.
Dr. Kroger: I am not a thief. I had that bar with me when I went into the store. I- I carry them in my pocket all the time just to keep up my energy.
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh. Yeah. So there's, um there's one in your pocket right now?
Dr. Kroger: Yes, Adrian, there is one in my pocket right now, and I hope I do not have to take it out to prove it to you.
Adrian Monk: I- I...
Dr. Kroger: You know, Adrian, I see this all the time. I work with cops, I work with ex-cops. You... You see terrible things. People lie to you. After a while, you don't believe anything.
Adrian Monk: I- I- I- I- I...
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, you're going to have to make the leap. You're going to have to trust. Otherwise, you're going to be completely alone, and I hope that that doesn't happen to you.
Adrian Monk: You're right. I'm sorry.
Dr. Kroger: All right. Okay, let's, um talk about the case.
Adrian Monk: A woman was killed in the store. Officially, it's been called an accident.
Dr. Kroger: You're working in the store.
Adrian Monk: Yes. It's going pretty well. Mr. Donovan, the shift manager, said he might move me up to register one.
Dr. Kroger: [starts eating granola bar] Mm-hmm.
Adrian Monk: Oh. [chuckles] Thank God. [Dr. Kroger chuckles] Of course I- I knew it. I knew it all along.
Dr. Kroger: Of course you did. Yeah.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You planning a trip?
Jennie Silverman: Excuse me?
Adrian Monk: Couldn't help but notice you're taking quinine. Malaria pills.
Jennie Silverman: Who are you?
Adrian Monk: I'm Adrian.
Jennie Silverman: I know your name. I can see your name, but who are you? I'm just a curious person.
Adrian Monk: It's a gift and a curse. For example, yesterday, you were ringing up a customer. You pretended not to know him, but you knew his zip code.
Jennie Silverman: I don't know what you're talking about. That curiosity of yours, it's not a gift and a curse. It's a curse.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Maybe I should just buy a TV while I'm here.
Adrian Monk: What's the matter with the one you have?
Sharona: It broke. All we get is the Science Channel. I swear, if I see one more show about the Moon Landing, I'm going to scream.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, what could be more dull than the conquest of space?
Sharona: Exactly.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Sharona: Tired?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I was up all last night with my girlfriend.
Sharona: Yeah, those imaginary girlfriends can be pretty wild.
Lieutenant Disher: She's not imaginary.
Sharona: Ooh. - What's her name?
Lieutenant Disher: Crystal.
Sharona: [notices a box] What's her last name, Glassware?
Lieutenant Disher: No, it's Smith.
Sharona: Do you have a picture?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah.
Sharona: Oh. She's pretty. [turns picture over] Randy, this came with the wallet.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I know. She's a wallet model.
Sharona: That's sad.
Lieutenant Disher: Sharona, she's one of the top five wallet models in the world, thank you very much.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: So, uh, what, are you going to pop all of these?
Adrian Monk: No choice. You have to press down with your thumb.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I know how to pop bubble wrap. Thank you. Hey, Chandler, Roberto, get over here. Start popping these.
Chandler: Is there a reason why we're doing this?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nope. Just keep popping.
Adrian Monk: Hey, I really appreciate this.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Joe Christie: Adrian. I gave up on you three weeks ago. Thanks for coming. [holds hand out] Are you not shaking because it's me or because you still don't shake hands? Look, for whatever it's worth, I didn't steal those drugs.
Adrian Monk: They were never logged in.
Joe Christie: I logged them in. That's all I know. I thought you, of all people, might give me the benefit of the doubt.
Adrian Monk: Look, I'm not here for you. I'm here for the woman who was killed on the loading dock.
Joe Christie: Well, according to the M.E., what happened was an accident.
Adrian Monk: Look, I noticed something about the letters that you gave us. They all have different postmarks, different handwriting, but they were sent by the same person.
Joe Christie: How do you know?
Adrian Monk: The stamps are from the same roll. The edges are uneven but they fit together like puzzle pieces.
Joe Christie: I'll be damned. You're still the man.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Woman: Excuse me, where is the paint thinner?
Adrian Monk: Aisle two, back of the store.
Woman: Thank you very much.
Adrian Monk: Have a Mega Mart day.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Thank you for shopping at Mega Mart. Deodorant, aisle 4.
Sweaty Man in Vest: What? Why would you say that?
Adrian Monk: No reason.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Brent Donovan: [over P.A.] Cleanup on aisle four. Cleanup on aisle four.
Adrian Monk: I got it! I got it. Mine. Coming through. I called it. Coming through. Excuse me. It's mine.
Brent Donovan: [to himself] Who is that man?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Delores: It doesn't have to be perfect.
Adrian Monk: Well, as long as we're here, we might as well do the job right.
Delores: I said the same thing when I started.
Adrian Monk: When was that?
Delores: I don't remember.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Did you know Edna Coruthers?
Delores: Everybody knew Edna. I hate to speak ill of the dead, but she was a royal pain in the rump, always coming in early, working late. She was making the rest of us look bad.
Adrian Monk: Did she ever argue or fight with anyone?
Delores: She'd argue with anybody who messed up her department. I worked with her over in Housewares. Everything had to be spic and span. She was a regular profectionist.
Adrian Monk: You mean perfectionist.
Delores: I'm not one, so I can say it any damn way I want.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Got that information you wanted on Jennie Silverman. Her adult record was clean, but she spent some time in juvie. Uh, age 15, she had minor-league possession and trespassing, and at age 16, she stole a car.
Joe Christie: I thought juvenile records were sealed.
Sharona: Yeah, well, there's a clerk downtown named Ned, who has four cats and lives with his mom, and he bought me a drink. I don't get paid enough.
Joe Christie: Monk was right. You are good. I'm glad you have his back. Take care of him.
Sharona: Can I ask you something? What was he like as a cop?
Joe Christie: I remember the day we met. I walked down the hall to shake his hand, this was, you know, back when he was shaking hands. And there were seven detectives lined up outside his office just waiting to run cases by him, just to see what he thought, just to pick his brain. I learned more from Adrian Monk in two days than I did in the two years that I was at the academy.
Sharona: Were you there when Trudy...
Joe Christie: Yeah, yeah, I was there when he got the call. He was laughing when the phone rang, and he never laughed again.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Are you wearing cologne?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, Crystal got it for me.
Sharona: Hey, captain, you ever met Crystal?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I can't say that I have. We were supposed to go out to dinner last week, but she canceled at the last minute.
Lieutenant Disher: She wasn't feeling well.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mm-hmm.
Sharona: Maybe you blew her up too much.
Lieutenant Disher: She's not a balloon.
Sharona: Oh, that's right. She's a living, breathing wallet model.

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