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‘Mr. Monk and the Genius’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Genius

702. Mr. Monk and the Genius

Aired July 25, 2008

The wife of a brilliant chess player comes to Monk to say her husband is about to kill her, asking him to solve the case after her death.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Patrick Kloster: Mr. Monk. That's my piece, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: I'm just centering it. You'll thank me later.

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Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Don't do it.
Adrian Monk: Don't do what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Break my heart. You're thinking about planting evidence in Kloster's house. Monk, I've been a cop for 30 years. I've had this conversation nine times. I never thought that I'd be having it with you. There's a line. You step across it, and you're gone for good. There's no going back.
Adrian Monk: You don't understand.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I do understand. I've been there. I've had cases like this, cases you couldn't shake. Sometimes you have to let it go.
Adrian Monk: Let it go?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We have to move on. There's a city- A city full of people. Other people that need our help right now.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Ah, I'm afraid you can't touch that. I'm sorry.
Woman #1: She was our niece.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm a former police officer. And I'm afraid we have to borrow your niece, her remains, for a couple of days.
Woman #2: Borrow her?
Adrian Monk: Yes, we have to run some toxicology tests on the body.
Woman #1: Oh, my goodness.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, we do it all the time. We're going to cut her open just- Just a little bit. And slice off a teeny tiny, tiny piece of her liver and her stomach, and maybe take a little, tiny, nearly imperceptible bit of fluid from her eyeball. Like on TV. Who likes TV?
Woman #1: But why?
Adrian Monk: The fact is we think she may have been poisoned.
Woman #2: But how did the poison get in the cable car?
Adrian Monk: What cable car?
Woman #1: The cable car that hit her. That's how Marjorie was killed.
Adrian Monk: Um, um, um...
Patrick Kloster: Mr. Monk, that's not my wife. My wife is right here. I had her cremated two hours ago. As you can see, I have anticipated your every move.
Adrian Monk: Cremated?
Patrick Kloster: Yes, I don't think your toxicology tests are gonna do much good, but you are welcome to try. Aw, I know that look. I've seen it quite often. That's how my opponents look when they know they've been beaten. Your move, Mr. Monk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: "Payable to Natalie Teeger."
Natalie: My four favorite words.
[As Monk very carefully tears the check out of the book, Natalie has time to leave the room and return with a book and a drink]
Natalie: Thank you.
Adrian Monk: Thank you very much.
Natalie: Um, excuse me. Where's the rest of it? I worked Tuesday night, remember? That was overtime.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I thought you were just hanging out.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, I wasn't just hanging out. I spent seven hours reorganizing the utensil drawer. That was work.
Adrian Monk: But you said it was fun. I distinctly remember that. I said, "Isn't this fun?" And you said, "Uh-huh." So...
Natalie: You mean unless I'm complaining, you're not going to pay me? Is that the new rule?
Adrian Monk: Even if I wanted to, I've already torn it out of the checkbook.
Natalie: Yeah, so you just void it out. Void. Write "void." And then you just write another one.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't do that. I wish I could. If it were up to me-
Natalie: Of course it's up to you.
Adrian Monk: I need you to use your inside voice.
Natalie: What- Oh, my God! God!
Adrian Monk: I'm a little short of cash right now, okay? But I'm good for it. You know I'm good for it. Just keep track-
Natalie: Yeah, I have been keeping track. It's over $1,800, Mr. Monk.
Linda Kloster: [enters] I'm sorry, the door was open. I thought I heard screaming.
Natalie: Oh, no, that's just me. I scream every payday.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Forget about him. Look, just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.
Natalie: You can't arrest him for anything?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain, we just got a call.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.
Lieutenant Disher: You better put down the cup.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Just tell me who called.
Lieutenant Disher: Just put the cup down, or finish it, or drink half of it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why?
Lieutenant Disher: Because you're probably gonna drop it, I'm gonna have to clean it up. Just have a sip. How 'bout a sip? [Stottlemeyer puts the cup down] Linda kloster's dead. Her housekeeper just found her. [Stottlemeyer throws the cup against the wall]

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Oh, my God. He's coming. What do we do? We should kiss. No! I didn't say that. I wasn't thinking. I never said that.
Patrick Kloster: Good morning. I thought you might be thirsty. Well, this is for you, Natalie. It's lemonade. And, Mr. Monk, I believe this is your brand. Oh, my books. I could autograph one for you.
Adrian Monk: No, thank you. No.
Patrick Kloster: Very well. I'll leave you two alone. Enjoy your little stakeout.
Natalie: Well, you have to admit, he's pretty good. What? He was right. I was thirsty.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: How do you feel?
Natalie: Uh, I feel fine. What?
Adrian Monk: It just occurred to me. If there's poison in that lemonade, we could go to the D.A., and we'd have all the evidence we need.
Natalie: [spits out] It just occurred to you, and you didn't say anything? My God, Mr. Monk, I have never seen you like this. [pours the lemonade away]

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, you don't seem to understand. This Patrick Kloster thing is a big, bad headline just waiting to happen. Now I know that you're upset. I know that this case is very important to you. But we need real hard evidence. Maybe if you found some powder already ground up in a little bottle inside his house. Maybe then.
Adrian Monk: In a bottle? Right, we wouldn't even need his fingerprints. We could just say he wore gloves.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What'd you say?
Adrian Monk: Nothing. Nothing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Can I talk to you for a minute? Come here, I want to show you something.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Down the hall there's a sign I think is a little crooked. I want your opinion.
Adrian Monk: Crooked. I'll be right back.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie: Nothing. I was just thinking about the case and how you solved it. You really are amazing.
Adrian Monk: Well, thank you.
Natalie: No, you really are my hero.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Natalie: I know this sounds crazy, Mr. Monk, but could I have your autograph?
Adrian Monk: Oh, please.
Natalie: Please, just to have it for myself, like a keepsake. Come on, it'll just take a second.
Adrian Monk: All right, if it really means something to you. Okay.
Natalie: Thank you.
Adrian Monk: That's Linda Kloster's check.
Natalie: Which you just endorsed. I'll be right back. I'm going to the bank.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Can I help you?
Linda Kloster: My name is Linda Kloster. My husband is Patrick Kloster.
Adrian Monk: Patrick Kloster the chess player.
Natalie: I was just reading about him. He's some sort of super genius, like off the charts.
Linda Kloster: Yes, Patrick has an I.Q. of 180. Four points higher than Albert Einstein's.
Adrian Monk: What can I do for you?
Linda Kloster: Well, it's my husband. He's gonna kill someone.
Natalie: How do you know?
Linda Kloster: He told me. He talks about it all the time. He says he has a perfect plan. He says it's foolproof. And that he'll never get caught.
Adrian Monk: And did he say who he's going to kill?
Linda Kloster: Yes. It's me. He's gonna kill me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Um, can I get you something to drink? We have some wine.
Linda Kloster: Oh, no, thank you. I'm three years sober. Well, three years and two months.
Natalie: Congratulations.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Kloster, isn't it possible that you misunderstood your husband?
Linda Kloster: Patrick is not an ambiguous man. He said he's gonna kill me. In fact, he tells me every day. As I'm going to bed he'll say, "Good night, sweetheart. It won't be long now."
Natalie: Well, why don't you just go to the police?
Linda Kloster: I can't prove anything, and he knows it. It'll be his word against mine.
Natalie: Well, can't you leave, go someplace?
Linda Kloster: You mean hide from Patrick? Impossible. I mean, he'd find me in two minutes. He's a chess grandmaster, the best in the world. He can anticipate my every move. Murdering me is gonna make him a fortune. He's taken out a $10 million insurance policy on my life.
Adrian Monk: Did he say when he-
Linda Kloster: No, but it'll be soon. When he left this morning, the way he kissed me, it was different. You know, the way he smiled. It's definitely coming.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Where is he now?
Adrian Monk: He's playing a tournament in Vancouver. I've been following it.
Linda Kloster: That's right. He's in Canada until Tuesday.
Natalie: Well, at least you're safe until then.
Linda Kloster: Am I?
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Kloster, I have friends at the department.
Linda Kloster: Oh, I really appreciate that, Mr. Monk. But the police can't protect me. Patrick is smarter than all of them put together. My husband's gonna murder me. I'm already dead. And there's nothing you or anyone can do about it. Here's a check for $5,000.
Adrian Monk: I'm a little confused. If- If you don't think he can be stopped--
Linda Kloster: I'm hiring you to catch him.
Adrian Monk: You mean after?
Linda Kloster: That's right. After he's killed me. Mr. Monk, you are the only man smart enough in this world to make him pay for what he did. Or, rather, what he's gonna do.
Adrian Monk: I can't. I can't. I don't know what to say.
Linda Kloster: Say yes, Mr. Monk. Promise me. Promise me you won't let him get away with it.
Adrian Monk: I promise.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Kevin, it's a restraining order. You issue 30 of them a day. No, he hasn't hit her. Yes, she's still in the house. Because Adrian Monk told me, that's how I know. Fine, good. You do that. You sleep on it. Good. [slams phone repeatedly]
Adrian Monk: How'd- How'd that go?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Not now. Not now.
Natalie: You can't blame yourself.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I can.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What did the paramedics say?
Lieutenant Disher: Probable heart attack.
Adrian Monk: He killed her. He said he would kill her, and he did it.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Okay, there was no alarm. There was no one in the house, just the housekeeper and the cook. No signs of trauma or suffocation.
Adrian Monk: Poison.
Lieutenant Disher: No, housekeeper said she hadn't eaten all day, breakfast, lunch.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So how did he do it?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. I don't know.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you got?
Lieutenant Disher: You're not going to like it. The M.E. said natural causes, severe cardiac arrest.
Adrian Monk: What?
Lieutenant Disher: He's already released the body.
Adrian Monk: What- What about a complete toxicology workup?
Lieutenant Disher: He won't do it, Monk. Not without probable cause.
Natalie: But she was 42 years old.
Adrian Monk: What about the water? The tap water in the bathroom?
Lieutenant Disher: Checked.
Natalie: Well, how 'bout her lipstick?
Lieutenant Disher: We checked that too. I mean, toothpaste, even her eyedrops, everything in the house, It's all clean.
Adrian Monk: He killed her. He poisoned her. But how?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Journalist: Mr. Kloster, how do you feel?
Patrick Kloster: How do I feel? I'm still in shock. Linda was my reason for living. Thou detestable maw, thou womb of death, gorged with the dearest morsel of the earth.
Journalist: Where is that from?
Patrick Kloster: Look it up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Patrick Kloster, I'm Leland Stottlemeyer, S.F.P.D. This is Lieutenant Disher.
Lieutenant Disher: Are you surprised to see us, sir?
Patrick Kloster: Yes, I am. I mean, I'm surprised to see you here. I expected you in Vancouver.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, well, we couldn't afford it.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: We're sorry for your loss, sir. This is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger.
Patrick Kloster: Yes, of course. The legendary Mr. Monk. I was hoping to see you here. Hello.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sir, we were wondering if you wouldn't come downtown, give us a statement.
Patrick Kloster: I'm afraid my schedule is rather tight, but I did take the opportunity of phoning ahead and reserving a room here at the airport security offices. It's nothing extravagant, but there is a table and five chairs.
Natalie: How did you know there'd be five of us?
Patrick Kloster: Please, Miss Teeger, don't insult me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: According to the Vancouver police, they interrupted the match at 1:21 p.m. To inform you that your wife had died.
Patrick Kloster: That's right.
Lieutenant Disher: And they said you kept playing, that you finished the match.
Patrick Kloster: Of course I did. That's what Linda would have wanted.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.
Patrick Kloster: I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.
Adrian Monk: Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.
Patrick Kloster: Did she?
Adrian Monk: She told me that you had been planning to kill her.
Patrick Kloster: My wife was an unstable woman.
Adrian Monk: She didn't seem unstable to me.
Patrick Kloster: I'm sure she didn't.

Quote from Natalie

Patrick Kloster: What did the medical examiner say?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Heart attack.
Natalie: She didn't look sick to me.
Patrick Kloster: And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Patrick Kloster: My wife suffered from high blood pressure. And for most of her life, she was an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. She was also quite depressed.
Lieutenant Disher: And there was a $10 million life insurance policy.
Patrick Kloster: The policy was Linda's idea. I'm insured for the same amount.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?
Patrick Kloster: Not much. More than you, I'm sure, but not much. Although I am an expert on the poisoned pawn.
Lieutenant Disher: Poison-
Patrick Kloster: That is a chess move, Lieutenant Disher. I'd be glad to teach it to you if you'd like. Well, as you can imagine, I have a number of arrangements to make. Do you play chess, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: A little.
Patrick Kloster: We should play a game sometime.
Adrian Monk: We already are.

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