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‘Mr. Monk and the Genius’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Genius

702. Mr. Monk and the Genius

Aired July 25, 2008

The wife of a brilliant chess player comes to Monk to say her husband is about to kill her, asking him to solve the case after her death.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Patrick Kloster: Mr. Monk. That's my piece, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: I'm just centering it. You'll thank me later.

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Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Don't do it.
Adrian Monk: Don't do what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Break my heart. You're thinking about planting evidence in Kloster's house. Monk, I've been a cop for 30 years. I've had this conversation nine times. I never thought that I'd be having it with you. There's a line. You step across it, and you're gone for good. There's no going back.
Adrian Monk: You don't understand.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I do understand. I've been there. I've had cases like this, cases you couldn't shake. Sometimes you have to let it go.
Adrian Monk: Let it go?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We have to move on. There's a city- A city full of people. Other people that need our help right now.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Ah, I'm afraid you can't touch that. I'm sorry.
Woman #1: She was our niece.
Adrian Monk: Well, I'm a former police officer. And I'm afraid we have to borrow your niece, her remains, for a couple of days.
Woman #2: Borrow her?
Adrian Monk: Yes, we have to run some toxicology tests on the body.
Woman #1: Oh, my goodness.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, we do it all the time. We're going to cut her open just- Just a little bit. And slice off a teeny tiny, tiny piece of her liver and her stomach, and maybe take a little, tiny, nearly imperceptible bit of fluid from her eyeball. Like on TV. Who likes TV?
Woman #1: But why?
Adrian Monk: The fact is we think she may have been poisoned.
Woman #2: But how did the poison get in the cable car?
Adrian Monk: What cable car?
Woman #1: The cable car that hit her. That's how Marjorie was killed.
Adrian Monk: Um, um, um...
Patrick Kloster: Mr. Monk, that's not my wife. My wife is right here. I had her cremated two hours ago. As you can see, I have anticipated your every move.
Adrian Monk: Cremated?
Patrick Kloster: Yes, I don't think your toxicology tests are gonna do much good, but you are welcome to try. Aw, I know that look. I've seen it quite often. That's how my opponents look when they know they've been beaten. Your move, Mr. Monk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: "Payable to Natalie Teeger."
Natalie: My four favorite words.
[As Monk very carefully tears the check out of the book, Natalie has time to leave the room and return with a book and a drink]
Natalie: Thank you.
Adrian Monk: Thank you very much.
Natalie: Um, excuse me. Where's the rest of it? I worked Tuesday night, remember? That was overtime.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I thought you were just hanging out.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, I wasn't just hanging out. I spent seven hours reorganizing the utensil drawer. That was work.
Adrian Monk: But you said it was fun. I distinctly remember that. I said, "Isn't this fun?" And you said, "Uh-huh." So...
Natalie: You mean unless I'm complaining, you're not going to pay me? Is that the new rule?
Adrian Monk: Even if I wanted to, I've already torn it out of the checkbook.
Natalie: Yeah, so you just void it out. Void. Write "void." And then you just write another one.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I can't do that. I wish I could. If it were up to me-
Natalie: Of course it's up to you.
Adrian Monk: I need you to use your inside voice.
Natalie: What- Oh, my God! God!
Adrian Monk: I'm a little short of cash right now, okay? But I'm good for it. You know I'm good for it. Just keep track-
Natalie: Yeah, I have been keeping track. It's over $1,800, Mr. Monk.
Linda Kloster: [enters] I'm sorry, the door was open. I thought I heard screaming.
Natalie: Oh, no, that's just me. I scream every payday.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Forget about him. Look, just get a cruiser out there. Park it out front until further notice.
Natalie: You can't arrest him for anything?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, apparently there's no law against giving your wife the willies.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain, we just got a call.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.
Lieutenant Disher: You better put down the cup.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Just tell me who called.
Lieutenant Disher: Just put the cup down, or finish it, or drink half of it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why?
Lieutenant Disher: Because you're probably gonna drop it, I'm gonna have to clean it up. Just have a sip. How 'bout a sip? [Stottlemeyer puts the cup down] Linda kloster's dead. Her housekeeper just found her. [Stottlemeyer throws the cup against the wall]

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Oh, my God. He's coming. What do we do? We should kiss. No! I didn't say that. I wasn't thinking. I never said that.
Patrick Kloster: Good morning. I thought you might be thirsty. Well, this is for you, Natalie. It's lemonade. And, Mr. Monk, I believe this is your brand. Oh, my books. I could autograph one for you.
Adrian Monk: No, thank you. No.
Patrick Kloster: Very well. I'll leave you two alone. Enjoy your little stakeout.
Natalie: Well, you have to admit, he's pretty good. What? He was right. I was thirsty.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: How do you feel?
Natalie: Uh, I feel fine. What?
Adrian Monk: It just occurred to me. If there's poison in that lemonade, we could go to the D.A., and we'd have all the evidence we need.
Natalie: [spits out] It just occurred to you, and you didn't say anything? My God, Mr. Monk, I have never seen you like this. [pours the lemonade away]

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, you don't seem to understand. This Patrick Kloster thing is a big, bad headline just waiting to happen. Now I know that you're upset. I know that this case is very important to you. But we need real hard evidence. Maybe if you found some powder already ground up in a little bottle inside his house. Maybe then.
Adrian Monk: In a bottle? Right, we wouldn't even need his fingerprints. We could just say he wore gloves.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What'd you say?
Adrian Monk: Nothing. Nothing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Can I talk to you for a minute? Come here, I want to show you something.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Down the hall there's a sign I think is a little crooked. I want your opinion.
Adrian Monk: Crooked. I'll be right back.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie: Nothing. I was just thinking about the case and how you solved it. You really are amazing.
Adrian Monk: Well, thank you.
Natalie: No, you really are my hero.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Natalie: I know this sounds crazy, Mr. Monk, but could I have your autograph?
Adrian Monk: Oh, please.
Natalie: Please, just to have it for myself, like a keepsake. Come on, it'll just take a second.
Adrian Monk: All right, if it really means something to you. Okay.
Natalie: Thank you.
Adrian Monk: That's Linda Kloster's check.
Natalie: Which you just endorsed. I'll be right back. I'm going to the bank.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Can I help you?
Linda Kloster: My name is Linda Kloster. My husband is Patrick Kloster.
Adrian Monk: Patrick Kloster the chess player.
Natalie: I was just reading about him. He's some sort of super genius, like off the charts.
Linda Kloster: Yes, Patrick has an I.Q. of 180. Four points higher than Albert Einstein's.
Adrian Monk: What can I do for you?
Linda Kloster: Well, it's my husband. He's gonna kill someone.
Natalie: How do you know?
Linda Kloster: He told me. He talks about it all the time. He says he has a perfect plan. He says it's foolproof. And that he'll never get caught.
Adrian Monk: And did he say who he's going to kill?
Linda Kloster: Yes. It's me. He's gonna kill me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Um, can I get you something to drink? We have some wine.
Linda Kloster: Oh, no, thank you. I'm three years sober. Well, three years and two months.
Natalie: Congratulations.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Kloster, isn't it possible that you misunderstood your husband?
Linda Kloster: Patrick is not an ambiguous man. He said he's gonna kill me. In fact, he tells me every day. As I'm going to bed he'll say, "Good night, sweetheart. It won't be long now."
Natalie: Well, why don't you just go to the police?
Linda Kloster: I can't prove anything, and he knows it. It'll be his word against mine.
Natalie: Well, can't you leave, go someplace?
Linda Kloster: You mean hide from Patrick? Impossible. I mean, he'd find me in two minutes. He's a chess grandmaster, the best in the world. He can anticipate my every move. Murdering me is gonna make him a fortune. He's taken out a $10 million insurance policy on my life.
Adrian Monk: Did he say when he-
Linda Kloster: No, but it'll be soon. When he left this morning, the way he kissed me, it was different. You know, the way he smiled. It's definitely coming.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Where is he now?
Adrian Monk: He's playing a tournament in Vancouver. I've been following it.
Linda Kloster: That's right. He's in Canada until Tuesday.
Natalie: Well, at least you're safe until then.
Linda Kloster: Am I?
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Kloster, I have friends at the department.
Linda Kloster: Oh, I really appreciate that, Mr. Monk. But the police can't protect me. Patrick is smarter than all of them put together. My husband's gonna murder me. I'm already dead. And there's nothing you or anyone can do about it. Here's a check for $5,000.
Adrian Monk: I'm a little confused. If- If you don't think he can be stopped--
Linda Kloster: I'm hiring you to catch him.
Adrian Monk: You mean after?
Linda Kloster: That's right. After he's killed me. Mr. Monk, you are the only man smart enough in this world to make him pay for what he did. Or, rather, what he's gonna do.
Adrian Monk: I can't. I can't. I don't know what to say.
Linda Kloster: Say yes, Mr. Monk. Promise me. Promise me you won't let him get away with it.
Adrian Monk: I promise.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Kevin, it's a restraining order. You issue 30 of them a day. No, he hasn't hit her. Yes, she's still in the house. Because Adrian Monk told me, that's how I know. Fine, good. You do that. You sleep on it. Good. [slams phone repeatedly]
Adrian Monk: How'd- How'd that go?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Not now. Not now.
Natalie: You can't blame yourself.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I can.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What did the paramedics say?
Lieutenant Disher: Probable heart attack.
Adrian Monk: He killed her. He said he would kill her, and he did it.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Okay, there was no alarm. There was no one in the house, just the housekeeper and the cook. No signs of trauma or suffocation.
Adrian Monk: Poison.
Lieutenant Disher: No, housekeeper said she hadn't eaten all day, breakfast, lunch.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So how did he do it?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. I don't know.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you got?
Lieutenant Disher: You're not going to like it. The M.E. said natural causes, severe cardiac arrest.
Adrian Monk: What?
Lieutenant Disher: He's already released the body.
Adrian Monk: What- What about a complete toxicology workup?
Lieutenant Disher: He won't do it, Monk. Not without probable cause.
Natalie: But she was 42 years old.
Adrian Monk: What about the water? The tap water in the bathroom?
Lieutenant Disher: Checked.
Natalie: Well, how 'bout her lipstick?
Lieutenant Disher: We checked that too. I mean, toothpaste, even her eyedrops, everything in the house, It's all clean.
Adrian Monk: He killed her. He poisoned her. But how?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Journalist: Mr. Kloster, how do you feel?
Patrick Kloster: How do I feel? I'm still in shock. Linda was my reason for living. Thou detestable maw, thou womb of death, gorged with the dearest morsel of the earth.
Journalist: Where is that from?
Patrick Kloster: Look it up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Patrick Kloster, I'm Leland Stottlemeyer, S.F.P.D. This is Lieutenant Disher.
Lieutenant Disher: Are you surprised to see us, sir?
Patrick Kloster: Yes, I am. I mean, I'm surprised to see you here. I expected you in Vancouver.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, well, we couldn't afford it.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: We're sorry for your loss, sir. This is Adrian Monk and Natalie Teeger.
Patrick Kloster: Yes, of course. The legendary Mr. Monk. I was hoping to see you here. Hello.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sir, we were wondering if you wouldn't come downtown, give us a statement.
Patrick Kloster: I'm afraid my schedule is rather tight, but I did take the opportunity of phoning ahead and Reserving a room here at the airport security offices. It's nothing extravagant, but there is a table and five chairs.
Natalie: How did you know there'd be five of us?
Patrick Kloster: Please, Miss Teeger, don't insult me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: According to the Vancouver police, they interrupted the match at 1:21 p.m. To inform you that your wife had died.
Patrick Kloster: That's right.
Lieutenant Disher: And they said you kept playing, that you finished the match.
Patrick Kloster: Of course I did. That's what Linda would have wanted.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's funny. I would have been too upset to concentrate.
Patrick Kloster: I was upset, Captain. That's why it took me 44 moves to win.
Adrian Monk: Your wife came to see me this morning, Mr. Kloster.
Patrick Kloster: Did she?
Adrian Monk: She told me that you had been planning to kill her.
Patrick Kloster: My wife was an unstable woman.
Adrian Monk: She didn't seem unstable to me.
Patrick Kloster: I'm sure she didn't.

Quote from Natalie

Patrick Kloster: What did the medical examiner say?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Heart attack.
Natalie: She didn't look sick to me.
Patrick Kloster: And what medical school did you attend, Miss Teeger?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Patrick Kloster: My wife suffered from high blood pressure. And for most of her life, she was an alcoholic and a heavy smoker. She was also quite depressed.
Lieutenant Disher: And there was a $10 million life insurance policy.
Patrick Kloster: The policy was Linda's idea. I'm insured for the same amount.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you know about poison, Mr. Kloster?
Patrick Kloster: Not much. More than you, I'm sure, but not much. Although I am an expert on the poisoned pawn.
Lieutenant Disher: Poison-
Patrick Kloster: That is a chess move, Lieutenant Disher. I'd be glad to teach it to you if you'd like. Well, as you can imagine, I have a number of arrangements to make. Do you play chess, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: A little.
Patrick Kloster: We should play a game sometime.
Adrian Monk: We already are.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Adrian Monk: I don't have 20.
Natalie: Uh, I have $8. And an I.O.U. for $1,800 from my boss.
Eric Tavela: Who's next?!
Julie Teeger: I could play. $5, right? I'm under 18.
Eric Tavela: You play chess?
Julie Teeger: I was in the chess club for two semesters.
Adrian Monk: Two semesters.
Eric Tavela: Oh, well, that's gonna impress the Vassar Dean of Admissions. It's your move. [Julie plays] The bird opening. I've only seen that five times today.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I understand that you almost beat Patrick Kloster.
Eric Tavela: I'll get him next time.
Adrian Monk: What kind of player is he, would you say?
Eric Tavela: Kloster's a behaviorist. He studies you, not the game. He crawls inside your head, and it's kinda spooky.
Natalie: Yeah, what is a poisoned pawn?
Eric Tavela: Well, the poisoned pawn is a trap. He dangles a pawn in the middle of the board. And, you know, most people can't resist it. And then he swoops in and crushes you. [defeats Julie]
Adrian Monk: They can't resist it.
Eric Tavela: That's checkmate. Thank you, Vassar. That was fun.
Adrian Monk: A trap. A trap she couldn't resist.
Natalie: What? What? What? What? I know that look. You did it, didn't you? you figured it out. Who's the real genius now, huh? Who just outsmarted the smartest guy in the whole world? Tell me "you."
Adrian Monk: I did.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Patrick Kloster: This is a funeral home, Mr. Monk. My wife has just passed. I find that grin on your face rather inappropriate.
Adrian Monk: I know how you did it.
Patrick Kloster: You still think I murdered my wife?
Adrian Monk: You set a trap.
Natalie: Like the poisoned pawn.
Patrick Kloster: Oh, you've been chatting with some chess masters. Good for you.
Adrian Monk: When I was in your bedroom on Wednesday, I noticed a few things. I just didn't put it all together until today. The glass that had recently been washed, some breath mints, some eyedrops.
Patrick Kloster: And what did they tell you?
Adrian Monk: That your wife had started drinking again.
Natalie: Married to you, I don't blame her.
Adrian Monk: She kept it secret, of course. At least, she tried to. How long did it take you to find her secret stash, a day, a week? On Wednesday morning before you left for Canada, you poisoned her bottle then put it back where you found it. Later that day, Linda took a drink.
Natalie: The poisoned pawn.
Adrian Monk: Then she put the bottle back as you knew she would. It really was brilliant. You didn't have to hide the poison. She would drink it then hide it herself. Natalie, call the captain.
Natalie: Yes, sir.
Patrick Kloster: And did you find this bottle or this hidden stash of poison?
Adrian Monk: No, of course not. It was long gone. You had four days to get rid of it. But there are still traces of it in here, in her body. We're gonna run every toxicology test in the book, and we're going to find it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: "In chess, as in life, creative strategies executed with daring and precision will allow you to overwhelm your opponent and achieve your goal. The end." And may I say, thank God.
Adrian Monk: Keep reading. Here's the next one.
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, come on. We've been reading his books all day. What good are they doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm getting into his head. He's in my head. I have to be in his head, so we're in each other's heads.
Natalie: "Chess Domination by Patrick Kloster." Well, this will be the opposite of fun. "For my queen, Tatiana."
Adrian Monk: You don't have to read the dedication.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: What's this? Linda Kloster's check. You didn't deposit this?
Adrian Monk: I'll never deposit it.
Natalie: But, Mr. Monk, she wanted you to cash it. Mr. Monk, if you deposit this check, then you can pay your staff. And when I say "staff," I mean me.
Adrian Monk: But she came to me. I didn't protect her.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you did everything you could.
Adrian Monk: What about the promise I made that he wouldn't get away with it?
Natalie: You made a promise to me too.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Oleander.
Natalie: It's from his garden. It's poisonous. Very poisonous.
Adrian Monk: You dry the sap, you grind it into a powder. A quarter of a gram is enough to kill an adult.
Natalie: It would look like she had a heart attack.
Adrian Monk: It did look like she had a heart attack. This is how he did it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So you were in his garden on his property?
Adrian Monk: You said you wanted evidence, hard evidence. Here it is.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, a million people have this flower in their garden. I used to have some.
Adrian Monk: Let's let the D.A. decide.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm not going to the D.A. waving a shrub.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: How crooked is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, it's very crooked. You're not gonna believe it.
Adrian Monk: Why do you need me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Cause I'm not sure if it is crooked.
Adrian Monk: You just said it's very crooked.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, I don't know, monk. Is anybody else in there? It's in here.
Adrian Monk: There's nothing crooked in here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I hope not.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: When Trudy was dying, I got there late. Almost too late.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I was there.
Adrian Monk: She was slipping away. She couldn't speak. All she could do was reach out. She- She grabbed me with both hands. Like this. And eleven years later, I still feel it. When I promised Linda Kloster, when I gave her my solemn word that her husband would pay, she grabbed my hand the exact same way. I'm not letting this one go. I'm not moving on.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Patrick Kloster: That's an illegal move, Mr. Monk. Something I'd expect from a much weaker player. The truth is, I have been waiting for you all night. I'd almost given up.
Adrian Monk: You were waiting for me?
Patrick Kloster: Hmm. Ever since I noticed a branch missing from an oleander bush in my garden. You don't really think that window was left unlocked by accident, do you, Mr. Monk? Mmm, breaking and entering. I believe that is a felony. Oh, don't worry. I'm not a litigious man. I prefer to settle my problems out of court, as you well know. I am replaying a match of mine from 1995. Boris Spassky was playing white. Where would we be without our little games, hey, Mr. Monk? 64 perfect little squares. An island of order in a chaotic world. This is where I beat him, right there.
Adrian Monk: This is a wedding gift. You dedicated one of your books to "My queen Tatiana." You were married before?
Patrick Kloster: Very good, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Divorced?
Patrick Kloster: My wife died.
Adrian Monk: She must have been quite ill.
Patrick Kloster: Yes, she was.
Adrian Monk: Let me guess, heart attack?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Patrick Kloster: You're making a big mistake.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You made the mistake, Kloster.
Lieutenant Disher: You should have had your first wife cremated too.
Medical Examiner: Sorry for the delay. We know how important this is, so we wanted to make sure. There was no poison in the body. We didn't find a thing.
Adrian Monk: Impossible.
Medical Examiner: The woman died of natural causes. We're sure of it.
Patrick Kloster: Thank you, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: What for?
Patrick Kloster: Uh, our little game. To be honest with you, I'm sorry it's over.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Julie Teeger: Uh, there's that kid from the park. What a geep.
Natalie: What's a geep?
Julie Teeger: Well, it's a geek who's a little creepy.

Quote from Julie Teeger

[As Julie talks to Eric Travela:]
Adrian Monk: What's she doing?
Natalie: She's, uh, she's flirting.
Adrian Monk: She's good at it.
Natalie: Shut up.
Adrian Monk: She's definitely done this before.
Natalie: Okay.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, she's got it down.
Julie Teeger: Mom, you remember my friend Eric. I told him about the case. And about how you think Mr. Kloster killed his wife.
Eric Tavela: I believe it too. Congratulations. You're player number one.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Patrick Kloster: Well, well, well, the pernicious Mr. Monk. Your threshold for pain must be extraordinary.
Adrian Monk: It's your move.
Patrick Kloster: Yes, I know. Linda must have truly despised me to have brought you into my life.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Patrick Kloster: Mr. Monk, please.
Adrian Monk: I pass.
Patrick Kloster: You can't pass. For the love of God, why don't you just resign?
Adrian Monk: How 'bout this. If I win this game, you have to tell me how you poisoned your wives.
Patrick Kloster: What are you talking about? I am not agreeing to that.
Adrian Monk: How 'bout this, if we play to a draw, you come with me to police headquarters...
Patrick Kloster: Mr. Monk, I'm not negotiating with you. When are you going to realize that it is over?
Adrian Monk: You're castling?
Patrick Kloster: Yes, the rook and the king switch places.
Adrian Monk: They switch places.
Patrick Kloster: Yes, it's the best way I know to get oneself out of trouble.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You came here that night before we exhumed your wife's body. And you switched headstones. That's why we didn't find any poison. We dug up the wrong body.
Patrick Kloster: Very good, Mr. Monk. You play a brilliant endgame.
Adrian Monk: Right. Can I tell you something? I am sick and tired of you talking like this, all these chess metaphors. Two women are dead. They're not chess pieces, Patrick. They're human beings. I think they deserve better. Although, if you insist, checkmate.


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