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‘Mr. Monk and the Magician’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Magician

715. Mr. Monk and the Magician

Aired February 13, 2009

A case hits close to home when Monk investigates the death of his neighbor Kevin, who was murdered backstage at a magic show.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: [on video] Hello, my name is Kevin Dorfman, and this is what they call a video will. Um, which means, sadly, if you're watching this, I am deceased. Unless you're me, and I am watching it to see how I look. Or I might have put it in the wrong case and lent it to you by accident. That's also a possibility. Or maybe you're Phil, the technician at the production company who's editing this video. Or Phil is sick, possibly, and you're his assistant Craig. No, not Craig. Greg. I remember now. Craig left two years ago.
Natalie: Should I fast-forward?
Adrian Monk: No, let it play.
Kevin Dorfman: Greg, I'm sorry for screwing up your name like that. Craig went back to school to get his real estate license. No, it wasn't real estate. But it was a license. What other licenses are there? Is it licenses, or licensees?

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Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Lou Dorfman: He was the nicest kid I ever knew. I mean, last summer after the hurricane, he came over and cleaned out all my gutters. Except for the garage. But we didn't have gutters in the garage. We have them now. [chuckles] We didn't have them then. I put them in three weeks ago. Yeah, actually, I had to redo the whole roof.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Sheila Dorfman: We had a little tradition. He would call me every Sunday and tell me all about his week. We never missed a Sunday. I think that's what I'm gonna miss most of all. Our Sunday night chats.
Adrian Monk: Yes, ma'am.
Natalie: He was very special.
Sheila Dorfman: Wait! I tell a lie. We did miss one Sunday, 12 1/2 years ago. That was the summer I traveled to Italy with my Mahjong group.
Adrian Monk: Oh.
Sheila Dorfman: But we made up for it when I got back. We spoke twice that week, Friday and Sunday.
Adrian Monk: Imagine that.
Natalie: That's great.
Sheila Dorfman: Oh, then there was the time my telephone service was interrupted. No, wait. That was a Tuesday. So that really would not have affected our...
Natalie: I'm sorry. I just remembered. I'm thirsty.
Sheila Dorfman: You forgot you were thirsty?
Natalie: Oh, I've just been so busy. So nice to meet you.
Adrian Monk: So it's hereditary?
Natalie: Apparently, it's a dominant trait. You know what, I really am thirsty.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: Oh, God, Natlaie, I have to tell you something. I mean, I have to tell someone. I feel terrible.
Natalie: What is it?
Adrian Monk: He drove me insane.
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: No, he wouldn't shut up! The man would not shut up! One time, he had a sore throat. He talked for 2 1/2 hours about how much it hurt him to talk. [Natalie laughs] Honest, God forgive me, sometimes I'd hear him coming down the stairs. I'd turn off all the lights, pretend I wasn't home.
Natalie: It's okay. Don't feel bad. Everybody does that! Sometimes, late at night, when you call me and I see your name on the caller ID, I just... Just don't feel bad.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: That's a nice picture.
Natalie: I took that picture. It took me two hours. I wanted to get one where he wasn't talking.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] Well, you did it.
Natalie: Actually, I had to photoshop it.
Adrian Monk: Right.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Karl Torini: Yeah, anyway, point is I need someone to fill in, and I wondered if you'd be interested.
Kevin Dorfman: My goodness. Am I ready?
Karl Torini: Kevin, I've been watching you. You're a natural.
Kevin Dorfman: That's true.
Karl Torini: See, magic is all about self-confidence. If you believe you can do something, you can do it!
Kevin Dorfman: Then I can do it. I can do it, and I'm gonna do it. Thank you. You will not regret this. Well you might regret it a little bit. But you won't regret that much.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: Okay, and now it's time for my piece de resistance. That means piece of resistance. I call it The Vanishing Man. Or lady. The Vanishing Man or Lady. It's a temporary title. I'm gonna need a volunteer from the audience. Anyone want to, wanna volunteer, just raise your hand. Raise your hand up high to- To get up on stage with the, magician. [Natalie pushes a reluctant Adrian to stand up] Come on! You, sir! So gracious of you! I like that jacket. Did somebody, have a garage sale? I'm joking, folks. But seriously. Have we ever met before?
Adrian Monk: Kevin, I'mnot gonna get in that box.
Kevin Dorfman: Just get in the box real quick for a second.
Adrian Monk: No. I was- I was buried- I was buried live once.
Kevin Dorfman: I understand.
Adrian Monk: And, um, there's just no way on God's green earth that I'm gonna get in that box, so...
Kevin Dorfman: Disapointing lot of my fans out there.
Adrian Monk: Just telling you.
Kevin Dorfman: Get in the box for a second, real quick. Just real quick, get in the box. A lotta people are gonna go home disappointed tonight.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: And please let that be your card. No? Is this your card that I magically pulled out of your ear? No? Is it a heart or a spade? Red or black? Is it a Jack of clubs?
Man in Audience: [o.s.] Say yes!
Woman: Uh, yes.
Kevin Dorfman: Excellent! Thank you so much! Jack of clubs it was. Give her a round of applause. She was excellent. Um, thank you. And now, who wants to get sawed in Half? No? No one? All right. You're leaving? Excellent. Thanks so much. Thanks so much for coming. Nobody wants to be sawed in half. No one? Fantastic.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: Okay, excellent. My name is Kevin Dorfman. If you liked the show, please tell management. And, my goodness., don't look at my pants. Please. Everything's fine. It's all part of the act. This is this is part of it. Ah, that really hurt me. Nibbling. 'kay. Hurt a little bit. I'm going to leave now. Thank you so much. Thank you. I thought they only ate lettuce!

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: Presentation B-minus. Energy A-minus. Execution, let's be honest, D-plus. D-minus. But don't let it get you down. You gotta just focus. [door opens] What are you doin' here?

Quote from Natalie

Karl Torini: You're wasting your time, Mr. Monk! You know, I called the club just five minutes before Kevin went onstage. It was a direct call from Reno, Nevada. I'm sure you checked with the phone company. Ooh, looks like it's gonna rain.
Adrian Monk: You killed him. I know you did.
Karl Torini: Why would I harm the boy? You don't have the why, and you don't have the how. Huh. I love this part. The look on their face when they can't figure it out.
Natalie: This isn't some trick, Mr. Torini. This isn't a show. Kevin was our friend. He was a good man who never hurt anybody. He was the sweetest, shyest person I ever met, and he was 34, and his life was just getting started. This is the most brilliant detective in the world. He's gonna figure out how you did it, and he's gonna prove it. Aren't you? Aren't you?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: Okay. [clears throat] He was, asphyxiated. Strangled.
Natalie: Oh, no.
Lieutenant Disher: Probably from behind. The killer used a ligature, something thing and strong. Probably piano wire.
Adrian Monk: Can I see it?
Lieutenant Disher: We haven't found it yet. Or he took it with him. We don't know.
Adrian Monk: The killer, it's a magician.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What is that?
Adrian Monk: Black paint. They paint their wires so they can't be seen.
Lieutenant Disher: Magician. That's good.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You were the first one back here. Did you see anybody?
Adrian Monk: Uh-uh. No. Well, there was a maintenance man. Maybe he saw something.
Stage Manager: The maintenance crew doesn't work on Saturdays.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. I saw him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You saw him.
Adrian Monk: I saw the guy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You worked with Kevin, didn't you?
Karl Torini: Well, I didn't really know him. I'm a featured performer. He was usually in the back room, crunching numbers.
Adrian Monk: He was filling in for you on Saturday night, wasn't he?
Karl Torini: Oh, yes. That's right. It was a last-minute thing. I took Tanya to Reno.
Tanya Adams: We got engaged.
Adrian Monk: Oh, congratulations.
Natalie: You're not wearing a ring.
Tanya Adams: I know, you know, it just happened so fast...
Karl Torini: As you can imagine, after what happened, we were so distraught that suddenly a ring just didn't seem so important.
Adrian Monk: Of course.
Karl Torini: Well, if you'll excuse us, we'd like to pay our respects. Good luck, Mr. Monk. [both walk away]
Adrian Monk: He's the guy.
Natalie: Because of the ring?
Adrian Monk: Because he's the guy. I saw him. I recognize him. He was there.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: The night Kevin was killed, you were in the theater. I saw you backstage.
Karl Torini: What? Really?
Adrian Monk: You were dressed as a maintenance man, weren't you?
Karl Torini: Either you're mistaken. Or you're bluffing. I was 300 miles away. And I can prove it.
Natalie: All right, why did you have Kevin work for you that night?
Karl Torini: Well, as I explained to the police, I was leaving town, I needed someone to fill in, I'd seen Kevin before and I thought he was... quite wonderful.
Natalie: Ha.
Adrian Monk: Okay, you know we saw Kevin's act. He was dreadful. God rest his soul.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Karl Torini: Dorfman, what are you doing here? This is a closed rehearsal.
Kevin Dorfman: Right. Sorry. I'm not looking. I can't see anything. Well, I can see my feet, actually. I hope that's all right. I am looking at them.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: Oh my! That is fantastic. You are really the great Torini. And I haven't even met the other Torinis. I don't even know if they're halfway decent Torinis. You know, it's funny. I'm thinking about doing something similar in my own act. As you know, I'm a magician as well.
Karl Torini: Yes, Kevin, I've seen your act on amateur night.
Kevin Dorfman: Well, I'm not In your league, of course. Not yet, anyway. Here's the trick. I use a cat. Little Persian kitten. Hold it out like this. Cover it with a handkerchief. Abraca-Dorfman. It's a butterfly.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Karl Torini: Kevin, I'm very busy here.
Kevin Dorfman: I realize that. Little problem. I've been looking at your receipts from your last world tour. Let me show you this. These are your airline receipts. Your equipment, according to these, weighed more on the way back than on the way there.
Karl Torini: Really?
Kevin Dorfman: Yeah. I checked the records. Same thing happened last year and the year before that. The airlines are ripping you off. I say we get a lawyer, and I say we use the S.O.B.s. You and me. Let's get 'em.
Karl Torini: Yes! Well... Good work, Kevin, as always.
Kevin Dorfman: Thank you.
Karl Torini: Here's what we're gonna do. Close the book. Go ahead, close it. All right. I want you to forget about it. Put it out of your mind. We'll take care of this next week.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Adrian Monk: Kevin, I'm just curious. How did you- How did you get the job?
Kevin Dorfman: It's an interesting story, actually. I have a- I have a friend at the, at the Castle. And... Karl Torini. He's more of a mentor, really, but a friend. We were chattin' it up yesterday, as friends do, about a lot of things, but mostly travel. And I was pointing out to him that he is getting overcharged.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah?
Kevin Dorfman: The airlines have been overcharging him for years! How can his equipment weigh more on his return trips than when he left? Anyway, to make a long- Okay, one second. To make a long story short.
Adrian Monk: It's a little late for that.
Kevin Dorfman: He had to go to Reno and, uh, kinda asked me to fill in for him.

Quote from Kevin Dorfman

Kevin Dorfman: Mr. Torini, it's Kevin Dorfman. From back- Fom back stage here. I just wanted to let you know I am dedicating my show to you and Tanya.
Karl Torini: [over speakerphone] Oh, Kevin, that's the icing on the cake.
Kevin Dorfman: This is for you, guys.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: What did you think?
Adrian Monk: Give me a minute. I'm still absorbing it.
Natalie: You know, I didn't think it was that bad.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, there are three dead doves on that stage.

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