Sharona: Did you call the police?
Ambrose Monk: Oh, no. They... They no longer respond to my complaints because I call them more often than I should. I'd like to complain to them about it, but they no longer respond to my complaints.

Ambrose Monk: That's easy for you to say. You've always been the fearless one.
Adrian Monk: Here it comes.
Ambrose Monk: You should have seen him. Going into stores and buying things, all by himself when he was 15.
Sharona: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Driving a car when he was 24. Going out on dates... Going out on dates with women at 26 years of age.
Sharona: He's a regular Evel Knievel.

Sharona: You like The Who?
Adrian Monk: The what?
Sharona: The rock band The Who. You have the album.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. All the kids enjoyed the rock-and-roll singing groups.
Sharona: And the 49ers?
Adrian Monk: Now they were a great band.
Sharona: They're a football team.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Sharona: You were just trying to fit in, weren't you?
Adrian Monk: No. ... Yes.
Sharona: This might be the saddest room I've ever seen.

Sharona: Wow. This is where you grew up?
Adrian Monk: Are you surprised?
Sharona: Nah, I just always pictured something different.
Adrian Monk: Like what?
Sharona: I don't know. Like a laboratory.

Sharona: Adrian, it's not in here.
Adrian Monk: But... But, Sharona...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Van Ranken, the department would, uh, like to a... We'd like to buy you a new pie.
Lieutenant Disher: I don't understand. Usually when he does the whole summation thing it's all over, right? We get to go home.

Adrian Monk: So, anyway, Ambrose. What am l... What am I doing here?
Ambrose Monk: Believe it or not, I need your help. Something happened two nights ago. It's my next-door neighbor. His name is Pat Van Ranken.
Sharona: What happened?
Ambrose Monk: I'm 85% to 90% sure he killed his wife.

Ambrose Monk: Ah! Ah! Here it is. Here it is. Right here. Here.
Sharona: The carjacking?
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. We were there, remember?
Sharona: Yeah, I know.
Ambrose Monk: Doesn't that label say "cherry pie"?
Sharona: Yes, it does. It says "cherry pie." How did you remember that?
Ambrose Monk: It's a gift... and a curse.

Adrian Monk: What happened here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Just a carjacking, Monk. A woman was killed. We can handle it.
Adrian Monk: They didn't take her purse?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Just a punk kid out for a joyride. Look, Monk, we're gonna try to crack this one ourselves, just for the novelty of it, okay?
Adrian Monk: It doesn't make any sense. Why this car? It doesn't even have a tape player.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It runs. It's a convertible. That's all the reason they need. Oh, no.
Adrian Monk: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, it's nothing.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, just the barricades are a mess. They're uneven.
Adrian Monk: You're trying to get rid of me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I'm not. Look at the one on the right. It's in the ditch.
Adrian Monk: I know what you're doing. It's It's not gonna work.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The one in the middle is all farkakte.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me.

Adrian Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona.
Sharona: Oh, hi.
Ambrose Monk: Hello. We spoke on the phone.
Adrian Monk: Oh, so, you can dial a telephone. I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed or something.
Ambrose Monk: I wasn't paralyzed.
Adrian Monk: I was being sarcastic.
Ambrose Monk: You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous, ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic. Please, come in.

Sharona: Hey. Did you write this?
Ambrose Monk: Yes.
Sharona: I have this answering machine. This is a very good manual. All the steps are very clear.
Ambrose Monk: I'm sure you noticed the typo.
Sharona: Uh, no.
Ambrose Monk: It's on page 42. [speaks German] It should read... [speaks German]
Sharona: You wrote the German part too?
Adrian Monk: Ambrose can speak seven languages.
Ambrose Monk: Seven and a half. I'm teaching myself Mandarin.
Adrian Monk: That'll come in handy.