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‘Mr. Monk and the Three Pies’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Three Pies

211. Mr. Monk and the Three Pies

Aired January 23, 2004

Monk returns to his childhood home when his estranged brother, Ambrose (John Turturro), suspects his neighbor killed his wife.

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Sharona: Did you call the police?
Ambrose Monk: Oh, no. They... They no longer respond to my complaints because I call them more often than I should. I'd like to complain to them about it, but they no longer respond to my complaints.

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Quote from Ambrose Monk

Ambrose Monk: That's easy for you to say. You've always been the fearless one.
Adrian Monk: Here it comes.
Ambrose Monk: You should have seen him. Going into stores and buying things, all by himself when he was 15.
Sharona: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Driving a car when he was 24. Going out on dates... Going out on dates with women at 26 years of age.
Sharona: He's a regular Evel Knievel.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: You like The Who?
Adrian Monk: The what?
Sharona: The rock band The Who. You have the album.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. All the kids enjoyed the rock-and-roll singing groups.
Sharona: And the 49ers?
Adrian Monk: Now they were a great band.
Sharona: They're a football team.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Sharona: You were just trying to fit in, weren't you?
Adrian Monk: No. ... Yes.
Sharona: This might be the saddest room I've ever seen.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Wow. This is where you grew up?
Adrian Monk: Are you surprised?
Sharona: Nah, I just always pictured something different.
Adrian Monk: Like what?
Sharona: I don't know. Like a laboratory.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Sharona: Adrian, it's not in here.
Adrian Monk: But... But, Sharona...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Van Ranken, the department would, uh, like to a... We'd like to buy you a new pie.
Lieutenant Disher: I don't understand. Usually when he does the whole summation thing it's all over, right? We get to go home.

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Adrian Monk: So, anyway, Ambrose. What am l... What am I doing here?
Ambrose Monk: Believe it or not, I need your help. Something happened two nights ago. It's my next-door neighbor. His name is Pat Van Ranken.
Sharona: What happened?
Ambrose Monk: I'm 85% to 90% sure he killed his wife.

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Ambrose Monk: Ah! Ah! Here it is. Here it is. Right here. Here.
Sharona: The carjacking?
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. We were there, remember?
Sharona: Yeah, I know.
Ambrose Monk: Doesn't that label say "cherry pie"?
Sharona: Yes, it does. It says "cherry pie." How did you remember that?
Ambrose Monk: It's a gift... and a curse.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: What happened here?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Just a carjacking, Monk. A woman was killed. We can handle it.
Adrian Monk: They didn't take her purse?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Just a punk kid out for a joyride. Look, Monk, we're gonna try to crack this one ourselves, just for the novelty of it, okay?
Adrian Monk: It doesn't make any sense. Why this car? It doesn't even have a tape player.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It runs. It's a convertible. That's all the reason they need. Oh, no.
Adrian Monk: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, it's nothing.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, just the barricades are a mess. They're uneven.
Adrian Monk: You're trying to get rid of me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I'm not. Look at the one on the right. It's in the ditch.
Adrian Monk: I know what you're doing. It's It's not gonna work.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The one in the middle is all farkakte.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me.

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Adrian Monk: This is my assistant, Sharona.
Sharona: Oh, hi.
Ambrose Monk: Hello. We spoke on the phone.
Adrian Monk: Oh, so, you can dial a telephone. I was worried. I thought you might be paralyzed or something.
Ambrose Monk: I wasn't paralyzed.
Adrian Monk: I was being sarcastic.
Ambrose Monk: You were being sardonic. Sarcasm is a contemptuous, ironic statement. You were being mockingly derisive. That's sardonic. Please, come in.

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Sharona: Hey. Did you write this?
Ambrose Monk: Yes.
Sharona: I have this answering machine. This is a very good manual. All the steps are very clear.
Ambrose Monk: I'm sure you noticed the typo.
Sharona: Uh, no.
Ambrose Monk: It's on page 42. [speaks German] It should read... [speaks German]
Sharona: You wrote the German part too?
Adrian Monk: Ambrose can speak seven languages. Seven and a half.
Ambrose Monk: I'm teaching myself Mandarin.
Adrian Monk: That'll come in handy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Is this your old bedroom?
Adrian Monk: Mm-hmm.
Sharona: Wow. How does it feel to be in here?
Adrian Monk: Horrible. Thank you for asking.

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Ambrose Monk: He was parked by the southern entrance.
Sharona: How do you know that?
Ambrose Monk: It's obvious. Why don't you tell her, Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Uh...
Ambrose Monk: The yellow acorns on his truck, which can only mean he was parked under a spotted oak tree.
Sharona: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Which are found?
Adrian Monk: Uh...
Ambrose Monk: Near water.
Sharona: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: So that's near the river by the southern entrance.
Sharona: Wow.
Ambrose Monk: Please stop saying "Wow."
Ambrose Monk: This detective stuff is easy.
Sharona: Looks like you got a new partner.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, for any crime committed within 30 feet of this property.

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Adrian Monk: Come on. He's heading downtown.
Sharona: Ambrose, come with us.
Ambrose Monk: Me? No, no, no.
Sharona: You're just gonna hide in this house for the rest of your life?
Ambrose Monk: That's my plan, yes.

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Ambrose Monk: Captain. I- I have your coffee, Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you. Why is it numbered?
Ambrose Monk: Mother numbered all the mugs.
Adrian Monk: So we'd always put them back in the right order.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Of course she did. What did she do if a mug got broken?
Ambrose Monk: What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What happened if a mug got broken?
Ambrose Monk: Number nine. It slipped. I couldn't help it.
Adrian Monk: Ambrose, not now.
Ambrose Monk: It was not my fault.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry.
Ambrose Monk: It was not my fault.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: You guys, look at this. Look at this. Here's the schedule for all the charity events with a list of prizes. There are three homemade pies being given away. At the raffle, the potato sack race-
Adrian Monk: And number three?
Sharona: They're giving it away tomorrow. You play bingo?
Adrian Monk: No. Is it fun?
Sharona: It's a lot of fun. You're gonna hate it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Was that your swing set?
Adrian Monk: My father put it up when I was eight. It's probably the happiest day of my life.
Sharona: Looked like fun.
Adrian Monk: I wouldn't know.
Sharona: You never used it?
Adrian Monk: I mean, look at it. It's a death trap. But it was fun watching him put it up.
Sharona: He must have been disappointed.
Adrian Monk: Well, he was used to it by then. Two months later, he went out to pick up some Chinese food, never came back.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: He never apologized. Did you notice that?
Sharona: Adrian, he's trying his best. The man's in pain.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, well, who isn't? How can somebody not call for seven years and then just act like nothing happened?
Sharona: Are you gonna stay mad at him forever?
Adrian Monk: No, not forever. Just until I die.

Quote from Ambrose Monk

Sharona: Ambrose, you know what? Adrian's scared too all the time. But he doesn't let that stop him. Okay, now you tell me, what does he have that you don't have?
Ambrose Monk: He has you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Ambrose Monk: I save all my mail. When Dad comes back he'll want to see his mail.
Adrian Monk: Ambrose.
Ambrose Monk: It'll be all ready for him.
Adrian Monk: He's not coming back.
Ambrose Monk: You don't know.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I do.
Ambrose Monk: You don't know everything! Mr. Great Detective! Why aren't you out there looking for him?
Adrian Monk: 'Cause I'm afraid I might find him.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: Captain, here. He's trying- He's- He's trying to get rid of the evidence!
Sharona: It's in the pie!
Pat van Ranken: Officer, I'd like to file a complaint. These two have been harassing me all weekend.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, could you put the pie on the truck?
Pat van Ranken: What?
Lieutenant Disher: You heard me. Put the pie down and step away. Step away from the pie.
Pat van Ranken: Look, I live next door to his brother. They're both nuts.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know they are, sir. Please, put the pie on the truck. Please.


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