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‘Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk’ Quotes Page 1 of 3

Monk: Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk

809. Happy Birthday, Mr. Monk

Aired October 16, 2009

As Monk investigates the murders of a janitor and a patent lawyer, Natalie tries to throw him a birthday party, but he's always one step ahead of her.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: A self-cleaning vacuum. Do I wake or do I dream?
Natalie: I don't know, Mr. Monk.

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Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Natalie: Well, maybe somebody injected him with something, like a needle.
Lieutenant Disher: No, I was there, I would've seen that. A blow dart, you know, a poison dart.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And what happened to the dart? It would have been sticking in his neck.
Lieutenant Disher: Not necessarily. There could have been a long, elastic wire attached to the blow dart. They're called Dartarangs.
T.K. Jensen: How do you know they're called Dartarangs?
Lieutenant Disher: 'cause they're probably called it. Or at least that's what they should be called.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [whispers] Just nod your head and say maybe.
T.K. Jensen: Maybe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Interesting, Randy. Interesting.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: I know she's been trying to throw you a party. And, she's going to.
Adrian Monk: No.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, she's gonna get you.
Natalie: I'm gonna get you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: But this is a murder victim's place of residence. Do you honestly think that she would do it here?
Adrian Monk: No, I don't. And that is precisely why I do. And because I do, I don't. So yes, I do.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Mr. Pressman, excuse I'm sorry to bother you. I just have to know, how does it work? I mean, where does all that dust go?
Kurt Pressman: It's a high voltage electronic filter. It's in the brochure. The dust is disintegrated.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I didn't get a brochure. I'm here with the police.
Kurt Pressman: The police?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're here about, something else completely unrelated, but I think the work you're doing is historic. A self-cleaning vacuum is right up there with the wheel or Windex.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: Let's get started, Captain. You're going to be Richard Meckler. He was standing right here. Right here. Natalie, you're his wife. So you were standing right there.
Lieutenant Disher: What about me?
Adrian Monk: You're you.
Lieutenant Disher: But I'd rather be Meckler.
Natalie: Why?
Lieutenant Disher: He has more to do.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, you're you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Is the child safety lock in the off position?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Natalie: Is the power switch on?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Natalie: Is the cyclone cover tightened securely?
Adrian Monk: Cyclone cover, yes. I don't understand it. It was working perfectly. I was using it all morning. I cleaned the filter, and it just stopped.
Natalie: You cleaned the what?
Adrian Monk: I cleaned the filter.
Natalie: You cleaned the air-actuated ionized electronic filter?
Adrian Monk: That's right. I always clean the filter.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, it says do not clean the filter.
Adrian Monk: Where?
Natalie: Here, here, here, here, here.
Adrian Monk: I saw that, but it didn't make any sense. You always clean the filter. What did I do? What did I do? I'm so sorry. So sorry. It's true what they say. The good die young. Not this vacuum. Take me instead.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: The dumpster. The dumpster.
Adrian Monk: I can't.
Natalie: The port-a-john.
Adrian Monk: Have we met?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you have to choose.
Adrian Monk: I choose death.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Is that the new vacuum? Where did you get it?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. The captain met this reporter from a consumer magazine. She let me borrow it.
Natalie: And how is it?
Adrian Monk: It's spectacular. See there's no dust bag. You don't have to empty it. And if it picks up a coin or something, look... There's a little tray. See, I think I'm in love.
Natalie: Well, I'm sure you two will be very happy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Why? Tell me why? There has to be a reason.
Adrian Monk: Okay, I'll tell you. But you can't tell anyone. I haven't even told Dr. Bell.
Natalie: Okay, I promise. [Monk closes the curtains] My God, what is it?
Adrian Monk: All right. I was ten years old, and there was this cowboy.
Natalie: A cowboy?
Adrian Monk: Cowboy Hank.
Natalie: Okay.
Adrian Monk: He was- He was on TV every week and he was my hero. When I turned ten my mother surprised me. She hired Cowboy Hank to come to my party. It must have cost her every nickel she had. And, um, he, he brought a rope with him.
Natalie: A rope?
Adrian Monk: Like a lasso.
Natalie: Oh, my God. What did he do with it?
Adrian Monk: Tricks. A lot of kids from my class were there. Cowboy Hank was really funny. He did all his tricks and then he left.
Natalie: He left.
Adrian Monk: As soon as he was gone, all my friends, my so-called friends, went home. They didn't stay for cake or anything. They didn't care about me. They just wanted to see Cowboy Hank.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: That's it? Everybody left. That's your story? I'm so throwing you a party.
Adrian Monk: What?
Natalie: It's gonna be the biggest party of the year. It's gonna be a cotillion. We're gonna dance until dawn.
Adrian Monk: No, I can't. Not after what happened.
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, that's the stupidest story I ever heard. I'm sorry but that is lame. Everybody left?
Adrian Monk: Well it was very traumatic.
Natalie: It's stupid, I mean, I have worse stories than that. Everybody does. Wait, why can't you tell Dr.
Bell?
Adrian Monk: I didn't think he could handle it.
Natalie: I am so throwing you a party, as God is my witness and I'm going to surprise you too.
Adrian Monk: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You're gonna surprise me? You're not gonna surprise me.
Natalie: You don't think I'm smart enough? It is so on. I'm throwing you a party, boss. It could be anytime, anywhere.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Another murder. Coincidence?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't believe in coincidence. Okay, let's take a step back. We got a janitor who's killed. The only other guy in the building is a lawyer named Richard Meckler. Ten hours later, Meckler is poisoned. What do you think, Monk?
Adrian Monk: I don't believe in coincidence either. And I also don't believe in surprise parties. [opens morgue drawer]
Natalie: He has a big birthday tomorrow.
Medical Examiner: Happy birthday.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: Doc, you said that the, sodium flur-
Medical Examiner: Fluoroacetate.
Lieutenant Disher: It was fast-acting.
Medical Examiner: That's right. Once you ingest it, you're dead within ten seconds.
Lieutenant Disher: That doesn't make sense. I was right there. I was talking to the guy. I didn't see anything.
Adrian Monk: Neither did I! [uncovers an autopsy body] Can I just say something? If this is my party, it's the second worse birthday party I've ever had.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Please, Mr. Monk, just come with me. It'll take just an hour.
Adrian Monk: Told you before I can't do it.
Natalie: What, because of Cowboy Hank?
Adrian Monk: Cowboy Hank.
Natalie: Because of one bad party. Okay, Mr. Monk, congratulations. You win. You're gonna spend your birthday alone. And the next birthday after that. And the one after that too. Until you finally die alone, pathetic and miserable and sad. And alone.
Adrian Monk: Deal. Can we fix the vacuum now?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: How about a watch?
Adrian Monk: I already have a watch.
Natalie: Some people have two.
Adrian Monk: Why would I want two? Look, if you have one wristwatch you always know what time it is. If you have two, you're never sure.
Natalie: Well, Mr. Monk, I have to get you something, it's your birthday.
Adrian Monk: Don't remind me.
Natalie: And not just any birthday, you're 50 years old. That's a milestone.
Adrian Monk: You know, you don't understand.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: If you buy me something then I have to pretend to like it. And then I have to remember to thank you and then I have to return it. And it's a nightmare. It's a nightmare. Where is everybody?
Natalie: Oh, they're probably in the captain office. He said it was very important.
Adrian Monk: Where are the cups?
Natalie: What cups?
Adrian Monk: All the cups and the paper plates. Yesterday there was a big pile here.
Natalie: I don't know. We're late, come on.
Adrian Monk: Wait... a minute. [Monk walks around the room]
Lieutenant Disher: [in the Captain's office] Uh-oh.
Natalie: What are you doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: [in his office] I knew it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Why'd the captain want to see me, again?
Natalie: I told you, it's a double homicide in Marin County.
Adrian Monk: You said triple homicide.
Natalie: I don't think so.
Adrian Monk: Hey, you said triple. All right. What happened, did somebody get better, Natalie? It's a party, isn't it? It's a surprise party.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, I would never do that. I know how you hate parties.
Adrian Monk: Nice try, Teeger.
Natalie: Okay, Mr. Monk. It's a surprise party, can't you just play along?
Adrian Monk: I don't wanna play along.
Natalie: Come on, everybody's chipped in. We've been planning it for weeks.
Adrian Monk: [sighs] I can't. I can't do it. I hate birthdays.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [in his office] What were we thinking? He's the best detective in the world.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: I am not giving up, Mr. Monk. You're officially on notice. I am throwing you a party.
Adrian Monk: As a matter of fact, you are not.
Natalie: Oh, yes I am. We're gonna have balloons and cake and dancing.
Adrian Monk: Oh, for the love of God, why?
Natalie: Because, Mr. Monk, it's your birthday. And whether you like it or not, you have friends who love you and want to celebrate your life. We're happy you were born.
Adrian Monk: You're so cruel.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Oh, my God! Where's the rest of him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's all there is.
Natalie: He's all squished!
Captain Stottlemeyer: His name was Bradley Foster. He was the maintenance man here. Apparently, he fell into the compactor.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm gonna send a guy out to check the parking lot for his car.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I'd look for a compact. [cops chuckle]
Natalie: It's not funny.
Uniform Cop: Did you see what he was wearing? Those aren't briefs they're more like boxers.
Adrian Monk: He was probably still alive when he dropped into the gears. The rotating blades must have ripped his spinal column and shredded his lungs. He must have been screaming and begging for his life the whole way down.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Yeah, excuse me. You said you came in and you turned on the lights?
Paul Wellman: That's right.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure about that? About the lights?
Paul Wellman: Yes, sir. I'll never forget it. I turned on the lights and saw the blood.
Natalie: Why are you asking about the lights?
Adrian Monk: Who turned them off?
Natalie: Oh. Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That makes things a whole lot more interesting. Let's seal this building. Talk to everybody.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Consumer Currents? You write for them?
T.K. Jensen: Indeed. I bought my motorcycle last year because you guys recommended it. You gave it five stars.
T.K. Jensen: How is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's five stars. I love it. So thank you.
T.K. Jensen: Choppers aren't my department. I mainly cover household appliances like blenders and vacuum cleaners. But if you're in the market for an energy efficient three cycle dishwasher with half load option, I'm your gal. [giggles]
Captain Stottlemeyer: T.K. What's the "T" stand for?
T.K. Jensen: It stands for my first name.

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