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‘Mr. Monk and the UFO’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the UFO

803. Mr. Monk and the UFO

Aired August 21, 2009

When Monk and Natalie get stranded in a remote Nevada town, Monk sees something unusual in the sky.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Oh, God. Oh, no! The poor thing.
Adrian Monk: The missing woman?
Sheriff Fletcher: I owe Dolly a big apology. This is, or was Marge Larkin.
Natalie: Where's her face?
Dr. Garcia: Coyotes, probably. She's been five days, maybe six in the sun.
Adrian Monk: She was a hiker?
Sheriff Fletcher: Marge was a lot of things. She, she came into a little bit of money a few years ago when her parents died, and so she just dabbled in all kinds of things. Yoga, spelunking, trout farming.
Dr. Garcia: And apparently hiking.
Natalie: Where's her face?
Adrian Monk: We already talked about the face, okay?

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Well, at least he didn't kill us.
Adrian Monk: Are we sure about that? Let's review the situation, shall we? We're in the desert. No car, no radio. And coyotes, face-eating coyotes, and things that eat the face-eating coyotes, and things that eat the things that eat...
Sheriff Fletcher: Yeah, we get it. He left us for dead.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] How's Monk holding up?
Natalie: Not so good. He thinks he saw a UFO.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really? Maybe they're there to take him home. Maybe that's his ride. [laughs]
Natalie: That's what I said! Captain?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That would explain a lot, wouldn't it?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I was at a wedding last night in Montville with my assistant. And we were driving home and the car broke down. It was about a mile north of here. There was a bridge.
Sheriff Fletcher: Yeah, the West Creek Bridge.
Adrian Monk: Well, I saw something.
Sheriff Fletcher: Okay.
Adrian Monk: In in the sky.
Sheriff Fletcher: Ah.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, it was about 10:30. And it was all lit up. It was hovering there. And, and it went zipping around.
Sheriff Fletcher: You saw a UFO?
Adrian Monk: No. No, I didn't say that.
Sheriff Fletcher: So, was it an object?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Sheriff Fletcher: Could you identify it?
Adrian Monk: No, no.
Sheriff Fletcher: And it was flying.
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Sheriff Fletcher: You add that all up, Mr. Monk, you've got yourself a UFO.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Man: Of course it's possible. As Carl Sagan said, "It's pure hubris to assume our tiny blue marble could contain the only intelligent life in the galaxy." The aliens have arrived.
Adrian Monk: Or...
Male UFO Enthusiast: Or what?
Adrian Monk: Or anything. Any other explanation. It might have been some kind of a prank. Maybe some college kids.
Male UFO Enthusiast: Why would they bother?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. All I know is, it wasn't from outer space. All right?
Male UFO Enthusiast: Let's agree to disagree?
Adrian Monk: Let's agree to not even do that. [shakes hands] Wipe.
Male UFO Enthusiast: What is he doing?
Natalie: He has a little germ thing.
Male UFO Enthusiast: You afraid of our germs?
Natalie: Not yours in particular. Anybody's.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Body Suit Man: He's not sweating.
Female UFO Enthusiast: Yeah, I noticed that too.
Body Suit Man: How come you're not sweating?
Adrian Monk: I don't sweat. I... It's a glandular thing.
Male UFO Enthusiast: He was the alpha contact.
Teenage Boy: He was going like this. What do you think it means?
Male UFO Enthusiast: It's some kind of signal.
Adrian Monk: No, it's not a signal. It it just helps me concentrate.
Body Suit Man: Can we see your Belly Button?
Adrian Monk: No, you may not. What are you doing?
Male UFO Enthusiast: We're showing you ours. Now you show us yours.
Natalie: He has a Belly Button, okay? Pretty sure.
Female UFO Enthusiast: You're pretty sure? But you've never seen it.
Natalie: He's not an alien.
Male UFO Enthusiast: Are you sure about that? What do you want from us?
Female UFO Enthusiast: How often do you excrete?
Adrian Monk: See, our car's in the shop.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Saw a movie once about an extra terrestrial. Who didn't know he was an extra terrestrial. They rewired his brain or something.
Adrian Monk: I don't watch movies. Give me bad dreams.
Natalie: That's funny. In the movie, the extra terrestrial had bad dreams.
Adrian Monk: What are you talking about?
Natalie: Nothing.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Body Suit Man: There he is! Where are you from?
Adrian Monk: I was born in Marin County.
Natalie: Really, he's not alien. He's just persnickety.
Male UFO Enthusiast: What is love?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Body Suit Man: What is the frequency?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I don't really-
Natalie: He doesn't know the frequency.
Female UFO Enthusiast: Can we touch you?
Male UFO Enthusiast: Don't touch him! Our germs are poison to him!
Adrian Monk: Actually, that one's kind of true.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, here's what happened. Who are you talking to? Who are you talking to? It's evidence. Let's take it with us.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I'm sweating. Look, I'm sweating, okay! I'm human. Not particularly proud of it. I'm human, okay? Oh, this is it. This is where it ends. This is it. Surrounded by dirt. Covered in dirt. You win, dirt! Congratulations, dirt! Well played. Oh, Natalie, you were right. You called it. I'm dying alone. I don't want to die alone. I want people. People! There, I said it. I like people. Give me a chance! Just give me once more chance. I'll be nice. I'll be good. I'll be- I'll be empathetic. I'll be the empathetic detective. Just- Just send me some people! Please! I need people. People. People!
UFO Enthusiast: There he is!
Adrian Monk: Not these people.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hello, again. Hello. Hello, again. I have some good news. The object we saw was not a UFO. It was just a toy. A remote control model designed by a man who murdered his sister. You'll read all about it tomorrow in the newspaper. So you can all go, now. Please, go home. Please. Stop wasting your time. Live life. Find, you know, employment and fall in love. You're human. Right? It's a gift. It's a precious, precious thing. You want to appreciate it. Okay, thank you.
Natalie: Wow, Mr. Monk, good for you. That was great. You were sensitive and respectful. That's the nicest thing I've ever seen-
Adrian Monk: Anyone?
Natalie: Not anyone, but you. The nicest thing I've ever seen you do.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Is there a problem?
Male UFO Enthusiast: You're not fooling anyone?
Adrian Monk: Excuse me?
Body Suit Man: We don't believe a word of that.
Male UFO Enthusiast: Yeah, that was no model. And it's obviously a cover-up. You're just trying to manipulate us.
Body Suit Man: We want the truth.
Adrian Monk: Okay. [stilted] Earth people of the net, you were right. I am not human. I traveled here to your, how do you say? Planet. On a class four intergalactic doom freighter.
Business Woman: I knew it!
Adrian Monk: I was sent to, you know, prepare the way and to [raises hand] observe things and probe things and do alien things to everyone.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: You need some help?
Adrian Monk: No, no, I'm fine. Just cleaning. I haven't dusted up here for two or three...
Natalie: Hours.
Adrian Monk: What are you doing?
Natalie: Nothing.
Adrian Monk: Were you trying to look inside my shirt? My God. You don't think I have a belly button.
Natalie: It's just ever since we got back, I've been having crazy dreams.
Adrian Monk: About me, Natalie? I'm not from outer space.
Natalie: I know. I'm sure you're not. Can I see it?
Adrian Monk: No, you may not! Honestly. I am as human as anything in this room.
Natalie: See, right there. Right there! When you say things like that, it doesn't make sense. Anybody would be curious. Just a peek!
Adrian Monk: Get away from me!
Natalie: Come on, come on, come on. Why not? Because it's an outie? Come on, Mr. Monk. You can't stay in there forever.
Adrian Monk: [o.s.] Leave me alone.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, come on!
Adrian Monk: Leave me alone or I will destroy your whole planet.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, come on. Little peek. Little one, come on.


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