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‘Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy

515. Mr. Monk and the Really, Really Dead Guy

Aired February 23, 2007

When a street musician is murdered in six gruesome ways, Monk and the SFPD are sidelined by tech-savvy FBI agents searching for a serial killer.

Quote from Dr. Kroger

Dr. Kroger: You know, you're like John Henry: Man versus the machine. You know that song?
Adrian Monk: No.
Dr. Kroger: Oh, I was, um... I was in a folk singing group in college. We always used to end each show singing that song. You never heard it? [sings] When John Henry was a little baby He sat on his momma's knee He picked up a hammer, a piece of steel Said hammer will be the death of me Lord! Lord! Hammer will be the death of me Yes!
Adrian Monk: Well... Okay, okay then. Thank you.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, the point is that he was a steel driver. There was a big contest between John Henry and the big, new, modern steam drill, and John Henry won.
Adrian Monk: He- He did?
Dr. Kroger: He won, yes. I mean, absolutely. That's why I'm telling you this. He won, he was a hero. Everybody loved him. God, I just loved it when everybody joined in on that last verse.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Dr. Kroger: [sings] When John Henry was hammering that mountain Mountain was spitting fire He worked so hard that he broke his heart Laid down his hammer and he died Lord! Lord! He laid down his hammer And he died.
Adrian Monk: So, he- He died?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, I guess he did. Oh, no, no, no, in this version. You know, there were a lot of versions.
Adrian Monk: I think our time is up.
Dr. Kroger: No, it's not. No, it's only 20 after.
Adrian Monk: I think our time is up.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [computer beeps] Hey! Sorry, I got- I got mail. Bigger what, guaranteed?

Quote from Natalie

Lieutenant Disher: [yawns] 1:30. Guess these things never happen on schedule.
Natalie: I was up anyway.
Lieutenant Disher: Julie sick?
Natalie: No, I was just waiting for a call. Met a guy who works for United. He said he'd call me when he lands.
Lieutenant Disher: Mmm. Pilot.
Natalie: Co-pilot.
Lieutenant Disher: Eh.
Natalie: What?
Lieutenant Disher: Second in command. No real responsibility. Not quite the same thing, is it?
Natalie: Isn't that what you are?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

[As Disher sings his song "I Don't Need a Badge" as a street performer]
Captain Stottlemeyer: There's a flaw in your plan.
Agent Thorpe: What's that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, the first person that attacks him might not necessarily be your serial killer. It might be me.

Quote from Dr. Kroger

Dr. Kroger: You know, Adrian, I think that this is your way of keeping your mind clear. So that you can focus on what's really important. Adrian, let's not forget you've put a lot of very dangerous people behind bars without the use of a computer. Your mind is amazing. No, no, really. You make connections and leaps intuitively. No machine could ever do that. You know, maybe a computer would just slow you down.
Adrian Monk: Maybe you're right.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Was it him? Call him back.
Natalie: It's a private number! Why didn't you answer it?
Adrian Monk: I couldn't. I don't know how.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, that was important to me. How could you not know about cell phones? Everybody has a cell phone! How do you function in the world?
Adrian Monk: I don't. Did you wash your hands?

Quote from Natalie

Captain Stottlemeyer: We can't help you unless we know what's going on. Can I see the file? Thank you. What's the cause of death?
Medical Examiner: Blunt force trauma to the back of the cranium.
Natalie: Oh, no.
Medical Examiner: Plus a small puncture injected with poison.
Natalie: Oh, no.
Medical Examiner: Plus signs of petechial hemorrhaging and suffocation.
Natalie: Oh, no.
Medical Examiner: Plus two gunshot wounds, four stab wounds, and a tire track across the upper torso.
Lieutenant Disher: So the cause of death was...
Medical Examiner: Pretty much everything.
Natalie: Why?
Agent Thorpe: That, Ms. Teeger, is the question. That's why I'm here.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Agent Thorpe: We have less than 30 hours before he strikes again. Every second counts. That's why I've divided the strike force. Stottlemeyer and his group are at the secondary location where the body was found.
Adrian Monk: I can't find my seatbelt.
Natalie: Here. Maybe it's under the seat.
Agent Thorpe: Mr. Monk, are you listening?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm with you. 30 hours to go. Every second counts.
Agent Thorpe: That is correct. I read your file. You appear to be a first-rate crime scene analyst. Those skills could come in handy.
Adrian Monk: Here it is! Oh, no. False alarm.
Agent Thorpe: Mr. Monk, we're looking for the primary location where the murder actually took place. The victim's clothes, covered with DNA and microscopic trace evidence.
Natalie: So we're going to a crime lab?
Agent Keao: Ms. Teeger, you're in a crime lab. This is the most advanced forensics laboratory in North America. Gas chromatograph, mass spectrometer, a continuous digital uplink to FBI facilities in Quantico.
Adrian Monk: That's great-- I can't find my seatbelt.
Agent Thorpe: You don't need a seatbelt! This thing is built like a tank.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, here's the thing-- I feel better if I'm strapped in. I could fall out and bump my head. It's very dangerous.
Natalie: I have a seatbelt. All right, let's switch. [they swap seats]
Agent Keao: Aren't you worried about her?
Adrian Monk: No, she's fine. Is there a shoulder strap? I'm used to dual restraints.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Julie Teeger: You better come back here. There's a lot more to learn.
Adrian Monk: Is there?
Julie Teeger: Let's set you up an email account. It's so that your friend-- Um, so my mom can send you messages. Okay, you need a screen name. Mister...
Adrian Monk: Monk.
Julie Teeger: Uh-huh. And now you need your secret password.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. ... "Trudy."
Julie Teeger: Well, you know, everybody will probably guess that. Let's think of something else. [Monk is silent] Okay, let's go "Trudy". There you go. You're online.
Adrian Monk: Whoa, I'm on the Web! The World Wide Web.
Julie Teeger: Welcome to 1998, Mr. Monk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Agent Thorpe: The first digit is obviously a 5. The second letter is either an F or a P.
Adrian Monk: Wait! Wait, uh... Wait, wait-- Saving.
Agent Thorpe: I think I liked you better when you were a dinosaur.
Adrian Monk: I heard that! That's funny. That's enough to make me L.O.L. out loud.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: You know it's all over the news, right? The 1:00 deadline, the Six-Way Killer... It's really frightening.
Adrian Monk: I think there's more to it. I'm not sure this guy is a real serial killer. I guess it doesn't matter what I think.
Dr. Kroger: Why, you're no longer on the case?
Adrian Monk: Not just the case. I'll probably never get back on the force. The agent in charge made sure of that. He said there's no room for a dinosaur like me in modern law enforcement.
Dr. Kroger: Well, I'm sorry.
Adrian Monk: I don't know how it happened. At some point, I just got stuck. The world kept turning and changing... Microchips, cell phones, TV screen blackboards... And I didn't. I didn't change.

Quote from Natalie

Medical Examiner: Here it is.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell is that? These shiny little flecks.
Lieutenant Disher: Are those flower petals?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know.
Natalie: It's a gold leaf cake!
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Natalie: They use real rose petals and flecks of gold. I had it once at this restaurant called Justine's. They call it the world's most romantic dessert. Looked better on the plate.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: "Dear Kimberly, I am sorry that I inadvertently sent the SWAT team to Kayla's slumber party and made you cry. I'm sorry about the nightmares. It will never happen again. Adrian Monk."
Julie Teeger: Very good. This next one is for Allison.
Adrian Monk: "Dear Allison-- "
Natalie: Mr. Monk, that's going to take you forever. Why don't you just borrow my-
Adrian Monk: No, thank you. I'm fine.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: About three hours ago. Happened in the park across the street.
Adrian Monk: She got away, ran for help. I don't know how she made it this far. Is that cognac?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, we got that.
Adrian Monk: She worked for a pharmaceutical company.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's right.
Adrian Monk: She was in town for a convention. Her name is Jean.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Damn, you still amaze me after all these years. How did you figure that out?
Adrian Monk: Name tag.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Name tag.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Sorry, excuse me, excuse me. I have to go to the bathroom. Here, in case you need some wipes.
Adrian Monk: You're going in there?
Natalie: That's the plan.
Adrian Monk: I'd rather you didn't.
Natalie: Why?
Adrian Monk: Just- I can't- It's hard to explain, okay? Please.
Natalie: Okay, don't think about it. I'll be right back.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, please don't!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: We just talked to the brother. He said she had a date tonight with a doctor she met at the convention.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Did the brother get a name?
Lieutenant Disher: Wouldn't that be nice? No luck. We checked the hotel, 900 doctors registered.
Adrian Monk: Well, we know he wears glasses.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, we figured those were hers.
Adrian Monk: They're not hers. She was wearing contacts.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that's a start. We're looking for a doctor who's lost his spectacles. Get those downtown. Maybe we'll get lucky with the prescription.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Agent Thorpe: Talk to me.
Adrian Monk: Me? Well, we just got here. We're sort of playing catch-up. I don't really have any-
Agent Thorpe: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I assumed you were asking-
Agent Thorpe: I'm not talking to you. I'm talking to Washington. [points to ear piece] Has anything leaked to the press? [Monk is silent] Has anything leaked to the press? Yes or no?
Adrian Monk: I-- I don't know. Like I said, we just got here.
Agent Thorpe: Hold on, will somebody shut this man up? What is your problem?
Adrian Monk: Was that for me about the problem? I- I can't tell. If it's for me, just nod. Nod if it's me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Agent Thorpe: [over] ear piece] Billy, I'll call you back.
Deputy Commissioner: Agent Thorpe, thank you for coming. This is Captain Leland Stottlemeyer, Lieutenant Disher, Natalie Teeger, and Adrian Monk.
Adrian Monk: Who's Billy?
Agent Thorpe: Well, there must be two Adrian Monks Because the one I've been hearing about is a world class detective. The best of the best.
Natalie: He's just never seen an earpiece phone before.
Agent Thorpe: Where's he been? In a coma?
Adrian Monk: In a coma? No. I wish.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Agent Thorpe: Mr. Monk, what are you doing? What is he doing?
Natalie: I don't know. I don't always know.
Adrian Monk: Sorry, we were working on this case before. We got called away.
Agent Thorpe: That is correct. You were called away. Mr. Monk, we're not worried about her.
Adrian Monk: We're not?
Agent Thorpe: Whoever that poor woman is, she is a side show. This is the primary right here.
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing.
Agent Thorpe: I'll tell you the thing. The thing is over here! That case doesn't exist. I want you to forget about her. Cover her up! Cover her up. Cover her up!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Agent Thorpe: Get the stomach contents and liver tissue to toxicology. I want to know what he ate and where he ate it before it dissolves and disappears forever.
Adrian Monk: He played guitar. Calluses. According to the file, his pockets were filled with coins and tokens. He's probably a street musician.
Natalie: That should help ID him.
Agent Keao: We don't need any help ID'ing him. I just got a hit on the fingerprints. His name is Cyrus Canning, 3337 Folsom Street.
Lieutenant Disher: Good, I'll get a copy of the driver's license.
Agent Keao: Already done.

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