Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. Maybe it wasn't you. Maybe it was some of your old playmates trying to relive their glory days.
Adrian Monk: Maybe they missed the buzz. You look familiar, Ronnie. Didn't I see you last week at the opera?
Ron Abrash: The opera? What have you been smoking, man?
Adrian Monk: I've been smoking the truth, man!
Ron Abrash: What are you guys doing good cop, crazy cop?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, listen to me. Listen. I think that you you failed that test on purpose. You- You don't want to get your badge back on a technicality, right? You want to earn it. You will. Adrian, you will. You'll... You're gonna be a great cop again. You're gonna do it the right way, and I respect you for that. Now, open the door. Monk! Open that damn door! I'm gonna give you until three.
Adrian Monk: [o.s.] A.M. or P.M.?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not three o'clock, you fool!

Julie: Excuse me. Captain Stottlemeyer? Hello. I'm Julie Parlo. Uh, where is the F.B.I.? This is a kidnapping. I happen to be a lawyer, so I know in a kidnapping situation the F.B.I. has jurisprudence.
Lieutenant Disher: That's only true if your grandmother's been taken across the state lines.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Or if she's been held for more than 24 hours.
Julie: And I think you meant to say "jurisdiction," right? What kind of lawyer are you?
Julie: Oh, uh, I never said I was a lawyer.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, you did.
Julie: I-I'm a law student at Garland College, and I know that I have certain rights. And if you don't do everything you can to get my grandmother back, I could sue you all for malpractice.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, you can't.
Julie: I-I can't?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.

Adrian Monk: Captain, I don't think it was him or anybody in his group. You heard him. Each of those three jags means something. Any real member of the Brigade would have known that. But look look what was painted on Mrs. Parlo's wall. Two jags.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How'd you know he had a tattoo on his arm?
Adrian Monk: Oh, uh, I didn't. His other sleeve was rolled up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It wasn't even.
Adrian Monk: Exactly.

Adrian Monk: [points to pencils] Could you take one of these off the table?
Sgt. Graham: Why?
Adrian Monk: I can't have two. I get confused.
Sgt. Graham: Which one?
Adrian Monk: This one. Wait. Uh, you know what? That one. Wait. You... You better choose.
Sgt. Graham: All right. Okay?
Adrian Monk: Thanks. I'll... I'll do the same for you sometime.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, where is he?
Lieutenant Disher: He locked himself in.
Captain Stottlemeyer: In my office? I don't think so. [bangs door] Hey, Monk, open the door! Let me guess. He didn't pass the test.
Sharona: He didn't quite finish.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How far did he get?
Sharona: He did one question.
Lieutenant Disher: Over and over... and over.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's that?
Sharona: His pencil.

Captain Stottlemeyer: A lightning bolt.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, we think it's a calling card. There was a radical group in the early '70s. The Lightning Brigade? They were involved in some R.O.T.C. bombings...
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know who the Lightning Brigade was, Lieutenant. I remember the '70s. At least some of it.

Julie: She's 76 years old, she's not rich, she doesn't have an enemy in the world, and she's out there somewhere right now scared to death. Captain, you've gotta do something. What about, um, that detective I was reading about? Uh, the... The monk?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk. His name is Monk.
Julie: Yeah, I read an article about him. Um, they quoted you. You said he was brilliant.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, um, Adrian Monk is a former homicide detective who we use on a consulting basis from time to time once we've hit a wall. But we haven't hit a wall, Miss Parlo. Everything is under control.
Lieutenant Disher: [sneezes] Sorry.

Julie: Um, Mr. Monk, you're a private consultant now, right? [Monk nods] Okay, 'cause, um, I want to hire you. There's just one thing. Uh, I can't pay you.
Adrian Monk: Well, that's that's a problem. My assistant, Sharona, won't let me take any more cases for free.
Julie: Doesn't she work for you?
Adrian Monk: Well, it's complicated.

Julie: I know you want your badge back more than anything, and I already talked to Professor Emory about your situation.
Adrian Monk: Professor Em- Eugene Emory? At Garland College?
Julie: That's right. I'm in his class.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God! I just read his book.
Julie: Oh, yeah. We have a test on that next week.
Adrian Monk: It It's wonderful.
Julie: What's it about?
Adrian Monk: Oh, well, it's an argument for tort reform. Professor Emory feels that we could eliminate all superfluous litigation if we cap punitive damages and hold the plaintiff liable for any court expenses. [off her confused look] Well, I'm sure you could get out of the test because your grandmother...
Julie: Right. Whew!