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‘Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny

213. Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny

Aired February 6, 2004

A young law student asks Monk to investigate the mysterious kidnapping of her grandmother, offering to help him get back on the force.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. Maybe it wasn't you. Maybe it was some of your old playmates trying to relive their glory days.
Adrian Monk: Maybe they missed the buzz. You look familiar, Ronnie. Didn't I see you last week at the opera?
Ron Abrash: The opera? What have you been smoking, man?
Adrian Monk: I've been smoking the truth, man!
Ron Abrash: What are you guys doing good cop, crazy cop?

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, listen to me. Listen. I think that you you failed that test on purpose. You- You don't want to get your badge back on a technicality, right? You want to earn it. You will. Adrian, you will. You'll... You're gonna be a great cop again. You're gonna do it the right way, and I respect you for that. Now, open the door. Monk! Open that damn door! I'm gonna give you until three.
Adrian Monk: [o.s.] A.M. or P.M.?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not three o'clock, you fool!

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Julie: Excuse me. Captain Stottlemeyer? Hello. I'm Julie Parlo. Uh, where is the F.B.I.? This is a kidnapping. I happen to be a lawyer, so I know in a kidnapping situation the F.B.I. has jurisprudence.
Lieutenant Disher: That's only true if your grandmother's been taken across the state lines.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Or if she's been held for more than 24 hours.
Julie: And I think you meant to say "jurisdiction," right? What kind of lawyer are you?
Julie: Oh, uh, I never said I was a lawyer.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, you did.
Julie: I-I'm a law student at Garland College, and I know that I have certain rights. And if you don't do everything you can to get my grandmother back, I could sue you all for malpractice.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, you can't.
Julie: I-I can't?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Captain, I don't think it was him or anybody in his group. You heard him. Each of those three jags means something. Any real member of the Brigade would have known that. But look look what was painted on Mrs. Parlo's wall. Two jags.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How'd you know he had a tattoo on his arm?
Adrian Monk: Oh, uh, I didn't. His other sleeve was rolled up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It wasn't even.
Adrian Monk: Exactly.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [points to pencils] Could you take one of these off the table?
Sgt. Graham: Why?
Adrian Monk: I can't have two. I get confused.
Sgt. Graham: Which one?
Adrian Monk: This one. Wait. Uh, you know what? That one. Wait. You... You better choose.
Sgt. Graham: All right. Okay?
Adrian Monk: Thanks. I'll... I'll do the same for you sometime.

Quote from Sharona

Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, where is he?
Lieutenant Disher: He locked himself in.
Captain Stottlemeyer: In my office? I don't think so. [bangs door] Hey, Monk, open the door! Let me guess. He didn't pass the test.
Sharona: He didn't quite finish.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How far did he get?
Sharona: He did one question.
Lieutenant Disher: Over and over... and over.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's that?
Sharona: His pencil.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: A lightning bolt.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, we think it's a calling card. There was a radical group in the early '70s. The Lightning Brigade? They were involved in some R.O.T.C. bombings...
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know who the Lightning Brigade was, Lieutenant. I remember the '70s. At least some of it.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Julie: She's 76 years old, she's not rich, she doesn't have an enemy in the world, and she's out there somewhere right now scared to death. Captain, you've gotta do something. What about, um, that detective I was reading about? Uh, the... The monk?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk. His name is Monk.
Julie: Yeah, I read an article about him. Um, they quoted you. You said he was brilliant.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, um, Adrian Monk is a former homicide detective who we use on a consulting basis from time to time once we've hit a wall. But we haven't hit a wall, Miss Parlo. Everything is under control.
Lieutenant Disher: [sneezes] Sorry.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie: Um, Mr. Monk, you're a private consultant now, right? [Monk nods] Okay, 'cause, um, I want to hire you. There's just one thing. Uh, I can't pay you.
Adrian Monk: Well, that's that's a problem. My assistant, Sharona, won't let me take any more cases for free.
Julie: Doesn't she work for you?
Adrian Monk: Well, it's complicated.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie: I know you want your badge back more than anything, and I already talked to Professor Emory about your situation.
Adrian Monk: Professor Em- Eugene Emory? At Garland College?
Julie: That's right. I'm in his class.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God! I just read his book.
Julie: Oh, yeah. We have a test on that next week.
Adrian Monk: It It's wonderful.
Julie: What's it about?
Adrian Monk: Oh, well, it's an argument for tort reform. Professor Emory feels that we could eliminate all superfluous litigation if we cap punitive damages and hold the plaintiff liable for any court expenses. [off her confused look] Well, I'm sure you could get out of the test because your grandmother...
Julie: Right. Whew!

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: [sneezes]
Sharona: You okay?
Lieutenant Disher: She has a cat.
Sharona: Well, why don't you tell her to bring it upstairs?
Lieutenant Disher: No. No. It doesn't matter. If a cat's been in a house in the last year, I can't stop sneezing.
Sharona: Really? Remind me to buy a cat.
Lieutenant Disher: [sneezes] Well, at least you won't be alone on Saturday nights.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Gravy?
Man: No, thanks.
Adrian Monk: Everyone else is having gravy.
Man: I don't like it.
Adrian Monk: Why don't you have a little gravy?
Sharona: He doesn't want any gravy.
Adrian Monk: I think the gentleman can speak for himself. Sir?
Man: I don't want any gravy.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Sure. Enjoy your meal.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Here it is.
Man: I don't want it.
Adrian Monk: Didn't you just ask for gravy?
Man: I didn't say anything.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Well, here it is.
Man: I told you. I don't want it.
Adrian Monk: Okay, how about this then? You have some gravy...
Man: And?
Adrian Monk: That's it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Well, at least they didn't hurt her.
Lieutenant Disher: No. She was treated pretty well, considering. They even kept saying "Be careful" when they carried her out of the house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, they fed her pizza. All the pizza she could eat. I can't even get pizza at my house.
Lieutenant Disher: Get this. They played opera. The old lady says she could hear it through the door.
Adrian Monk: The kidnappers are into opera. What kind of revolution is this?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Cool. It'll be the three of us. We can do good cop, bad cop, worse cop.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, it's a two-man job. Just wait here.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, okay. I'll just wait here and...
Sharona: Weep openly.
Lieutenant Disher: Do some paperwork.
Sharona: While you weep openly.

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