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‘Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny

213. Mr. Monk and the Missing Granny

Aired February 6, 2004

A young law student asks Monk to investigate the mysterious kidnapping of her grandmother, offering to help him get back on the force.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. Maybe it wasn't you. Maybe it was some of your old playmates trying to relive their glory days.
Adrian Monk: Maybe they missed the buzz. You look familiar, Ronnie. Didn't I see you last week at the opera?
Ron Abrash: The opera? What have you been smoking, man?
Adrian Monk: I've been smoking the truth, man!
Ron Abrash: What are you guys doing good cop, crazy cop?

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, listen to me. Listen. I think that you you failed that test on purpose. You- You don't want to get your badge back on a technicality, right? You want to earn it. You will. Adrian, you will. You'll... You're gonna be a great cop again. You're gonna do it the right way, and I respect you for that. Now, open the door. Monk! Open that damn door! I'm gonna give you until three.
Adrian Monk: [o.s.] A.M. or P.M.?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not three o'clock, you fool!

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Julie: Excuse me. Captain Stottlemeyer? Hello. I'm Julie Parlo. Uh, where is the F.B.I.? This is a kidnapping. I happen to be a lawyer, so I know in a kidnapping situation the F.B.I. has jurisprudence.
Lieutenant Disher: That's only true if your grandmother's been taken across the state lines.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Or if she's been held for more than 24 hours.
Julie: And I think you meant to say "jurisdiction," right? What kind of lawyer are you?
Julie: Oh, uh, I never said I was a lawyer.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, you did.
Julie: I-I'm a law student at Garland College, and I know that I have certain rights. And if you don't do everything you can to get my grandmother back, I could sue you all for malpractice.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, you can't.
Julie: I-I can't?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Captain, I don't think it was him or anybody in his group. You heard him. Each of those three jags means something. Any real member of the Brigade would have known that. But look look what was painted on Mrs. Parlo's wall. Two jags.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How'd you know he had a tattoo on his arm?
Adrian Monk: Oh, uh, I didn't. His other sleeve was rolled up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It wasn't even.
Adrian Monk: Exactly.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [points to pencils] Could you take one of these off the table?
Sgt. Graham: Why?
Adrian Monk: I can't have two. I get confused.
Sgt. Graham: Which one?
Adrian Monk: This one. Wait. Uh, you know what? That one. Wait. You... You better choose.
Sgt. Graham: All right. Okay?
Adrian Monk: Thanks. I'll... I'll do the same for you sometime.

Quote from Sharona

Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, where is he?
Lieutenant Disher: He locked himself in.
Captain Stottlemeyer: In my office? I don't think so. [bangs door] Hey, Monk, open the door! Let me guess. He didn't pass the test.
Sharona: He didn't quite finish.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How far did he get?
Sharona: He did one question.
Lieutenant Disher: Over and over... and over.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's that?
Sharona: His pencil.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: A lightning bolt.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, we think it's a calling card. There was a radical group in the early '70s. The Lightning Brigade? They were involved in some R.O.T.C. bombings...
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know who the Lightning Brigade was, Lieutenant. I remember the '70s. At least some of it.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Julie: She's 76 years old, she's not rich, she doesn't have an enemy in the world, and she's out there somewhere right now scared to death. Captain, you've gotta do something. What about, um, that detective I was reading about? Uh, the... The monk?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk. His name is Monk.
Julie: Yeah, I read an article about him. Um, they quoted you. You said he was brilliant.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, um, Adrian Monk is a former homicide detective who we use on a consulting basis from time to time once we've hit a wall. But we haven't hit a wall, Miss Parlo. Everything is under control.
Lieutenant Disher: [sneezes] Sorry.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie: Um, Mr. Monk, you're a private consultant now, right? [Monk nods] Okay, 'cause, um, I want to hire you. There's just one thing. Uh, I can't pay you.
Adrian Monk: Well, that's that's a problem. My assistant, Sharona, won't let me take any more cases for free.
Julie: Doesn't she work for you?
Adrian Monk: Well, it's complicated.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie: I know you want your badge back more than anything, and I already talked to Professor Emory about your situation.
Adrian Monk: Professor Em- Eugene Emory? At Garland College?
Julie: That's right. I'm in his class.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God! I just read his book.
Julie: Oh, yeah. We have a test on that next week.
Adrian Monk: It It's wonderful.
Julie: What's it about?
Adrian Monk: Oh, well, it's an argument for tort reform. Professor Emory feels that we could eliminate all superfluous litigation if we cap punitive damages and hold the plaintiff liable for any court expenses. [off her confused look] Well, I'm sure you could get out of the test because your grandmother...
Julie: Right. Whew!

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: [sneezes]
Sharona: You okay?
Lieutenant Disher: She has a cat.
Sharona: Well, why don't you tell her to bring it upstairs?
Lieutenant Disher: No. No. It doesn't matter. If a cat's been in a house in the last year, I can't stop sneezing.
Sharona: Really? Remind me to buy a cat.
Lieutenant Disher: [sneezes] Well, at least you won't be alone on Saturday nights.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Gravy?
Man: No, thanks.
Adrian Monk: Everyone else is having gravy.
Man: I don't like it.
Adrian Monk: Why don't you have a little gravy?
Sharona: He doesn't want any gravy.
Adrian Monk: I think the gentleman can speak for himself. Sir?
Man: I don't want any gravy.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Sure. Enjoy your meal.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Here it is.
Man: I don't want it.
Adrian Monk: Didn't you just ask for gravy?
Man: I didn't say anything.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Well, here it is.
Man: I told you. I don't want it.
Adrian Monk: Okay, how about this then? You have some gravy...
Man: And?
Adrian Monk: That's it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Well, at least they didn't hurt her.
Lieutenant Disher: No. She was treated pretty well, considering. They even kept saying "Be careful" when they carried her out of the house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, they fed her pizza. All the pizza she could eat. I can't even get pizza at my house.
Lieutenant Disher: Get this. They played opera. The old lady says she could hear it through the door.
Adrian Monk: The kidnappers are into opera. What kind of revolution is this?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Cool. It'll be the three of us. We can do good cop, bad cop, worse cop.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, it's a two-man job. Just wait here.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, okay. I'll just wait here and...
Sharona: Weep openly.
Lieutenant Disher: Do some paperwork.
Sharona: While you weep openly.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Ron Abrash: Don't you people read the papers? The Brigade is ancient history. We broke up like 25 years ago. Besides, all we cared about was the war. Remember the war?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I remember the war. I had a brother over there. So you're denying any involvement in the kidnapping of Mrs. Parlo?
Ron Abrash: Of course I deny it. Demanding free turkey dinners? That's insane. Besides, I'm a vegan.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, Ronnie. Where were you yesterday at 7:30 in the morning?
Ron Abrash: I was in my classroom. I teach graduate level English and screenwriting at Berkeley. Call them. Check it out. The most radical thing I do these days is give the finger to jerks driving SUVs.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Oh, hi, Mrs. Parlo. How are you feeling?
Mrs. Parlo: Oh, a lot better. Tell me. Is it true? They said that they'd arrested a hippie that belonged to that group, the Lightning Rods.
Sharona: Uh, yeah, the the Lightning Brigade.
Mrs. Parlo: I should have stabbed him in his particulars.
Sharona: Well, actually my boss doesn't think they were involved at all. He thinks somebody was framing them.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Um, I just want to make sure that you remember what you promised Adrian. You know, that if he helped you...
Julie: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. About getting him reinstated. Yeah. Yeah, just, um, come by the law school library tonight. I'll be there with my whole study group.
Sharona: Great. Great. Well, I just want to let you know that he's really counting on this. It It really means a lot to him, you know?
Julie: Look. I understand. A deal's a deal. I mean, it's like we have a verbal... Uh, what's the word? Verbal... Ugh! I'm drawing a blank.
Sharona: Contract.
Julie: That's it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Oh, are you studying in Spanish?
Tom Barton: Um, yeah. I'm taking my next bar exam in Peru. It's all true and false down there.
Adrian Monk: Doesn't that mean you'll only be able to practice in Peru?
Tom Barton: Uh, geez.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Do any of you have any professional experience yet or...
Julie: Oh, well, uh, we've done a lot of pro bono work.
Sascha Gordon: Last year we assisted in two death penalty cases: Sal Dickerson and Bill Jansen.
Adrian Monk: Dickerson and Jansen? Weren't they...
Sascha Gordon: I miss them every day.
Edie Rusher: That's how you learn. By making mistakes. Now we know if you're filing a stay of execution, you have to take into account daylight savings time.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Okay, here's another question. A man is blocking the main entrance of a store. What is the charge?
Adrian Monk: Obstructing a public access.
Sharona: That's right. The test used to determine whether a handgun has recently...
Adrian Monk: The paraffin diphenylamine test. Are all the questions gonna be this easy?
Sharona: I think so. This is the official practice book.
Adrian Monk: Then I am in, baby. Already had my old uniform cleaned and pressed.
Sharona: Adrian, don't you think that's a little premature?
Adrian Monk: It's not premature. It is perfectly mature. Sharona, ahh, I'm back.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: This has to be the block. I can smell the eucalyptus from here.
Sharona: But which house?
Adrian Monk: Well, we'll know in a few seconds.
Sharona: What do you mean?
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Parlo said it was raining at exactly 8:00. But what she felt wasn't rain. Automatic sprinkler system.
Sharona: That's our house. [another set of sprinklers go on] Oh, which one is it? Oh, great.
Adrian Monk: That one. They fed her pizza, remember?
Sharona: You're gonna be a pretty good cop.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Now what?
Adrian Monk: Now... Now we take a picture of whoever comes out of the house. Mrs. Parlo said she recognized their voices. Maybe she knows who they are.
Sharona: How are we gonna get their picture?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Why don't you think of something? I did the sprinkler thing. It's your turn.
Sharona: Oh, so now we're taking turns?
Adrian Monk: Yes, now we're taking turns.
Sharona: Since when?
Adrian Monk: It's our new policy. Didn't you get my memo?
Sharona: Stay here. I'll send you a memo.
Adrian Monk: What did you say?
Sharona: Nothing.
Adrian Monk: I heard the word "memo."
Sharona: Just stay here and study for your test.

Quote from Sharona

Julie: That's my grandmother's chair. I recognize it.
Harold Maloney: She is lying. People make false claims about pieces like this, all the time.
Sharona: You like opera?
Carol Maloney: Yes, we love it. Is that a crime?
Sharona: It should be.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Tell me about the chair, Mr. Maloney.
Harold Maloney: I'd be happy to. It is a Fanback Windsor in original finish, built in 1774. Dealers like us wait our whole lives for a piece like this.
Carol Maloney: Note the engraving on the back in the shape of Monticello.
Harold Maloney: This chair was personally handcrafted by Thomas Jefferson. In fact, there is some evidence to support the fact that he sat in this very chair while he drafted the Declaration of Independence.
Lieutenant Disher: Does it swivel?
Captain Stottlemeyer: How much is it worth?
Carol Maloney: Two. Maybe 2.5.
Lieutenant Disher: Million?
Harold Maloney: [scoffs] Yes, Lieutenant, million.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Harold Maloney: Actually, we'll find out for sure next week. We're auctioning it off. I don't imagine any of you will be bidding on it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, where did you get it?
Julie: I'll tell you where they got it. They stole it from my grandmother's house.
Adrian Monk: She's right. Your cat ran away. You saw the flyer, and you went to their house looking for it, and that's where you saw the chair. You must have recognized it right away, but what could you do? You couldn't offer to buy it. They might have had it appraised, and that would have ruined everything.
Sharona: You couldn't steal it. The cops would have been looking for it. You'd never be able to sell it.
Adrian Monk: Then you had an idea. It was brilliant, really. You kidnapped Mrs. Parlo and carried her out of the house with the chair, made some ridiculous ransom demand, and then let her go. You figured anyone would be so relieved to have their nana back that they wouldn't even remember the missing chair.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Wait a minute. Listen.
Lieutenant Disher: Listen to what?
Adrian Monk: Listen to you. You're not sneezing. You haven't sneezed at all since we got here.
Sharona: That's true.
Adrian Monk: The Maloneys said they had a cat that ran away. That's why they went to Julie's house.
Julie: Right.
Adrian Monk: They lied. They never had a cat. Otherwise you'd be sneezing your head off.
Lieutenant Disher: You're right. He's right.
Julie: I'm lost, as usual.
Captain Stottlemeyer: If the Maloneys never had a cat, why did they go to your house in the first place? They must have known about the chair somehow.
Adrian Monk: Do you still have a copy of that flyer?
Julie: Uh, I think so. [removes flyer]
Captain Stottlemeyer: [laughs] That's the prettiest picture I've ever seen.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, what the heck- What is that? Monk!
Lieutenant Disher: I think that's your chair.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, that's my father's chair! If you put one scratch on that chair, I will... I will never forgive you! Monk, be careful with that chair. [Monk peeks through the blinds] Move the chair, Monk. Monk, move the chair. [opens door]
Sharona: Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: You said "Be careful" because you love that chair.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's right.
Adrian Monk: The kidnappers said "Be careful" when they carried Mrs. Parlo out of the house. They weren't worried about her. They were worried about that chair.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What chair?
Adrian Monk: The chair she was tied to. That's what this whole thing has been about.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: Oh, my God!
Sharona: What are you supposed to be?
Lieutenant Disher: I'm undercover. I'm homeless.
Sharona: What's that on your face?
Lieutenant Disher: Dirt.
Sharona: [to Monk] Give the lady some gravy.


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