Adrian Monk: You see them? Fluids.
Maid #1: Fluids?
Adrian Monk: Bodily fluids. I'm gonna need everything scrubbed. S-Scrubbed. How do you say "scrubbed"?
Maid #1: Scrubbed.
Adrian Monk: Scrubbed. The curtains, the carpeting. And did you bring bleach?
Maid #2: Bleach?
Adrian Monk: Bleach! The white God. Dios blanco. Good. That's good. Okay, take your time. Don't worry. I'll pay extra. Whatever it takes.
Rita Bronwyn: Don't you worry, partner. They're a team of experts. I'm going downstairs to look for the stiff. Good luck, ladies.
Adrian Monk: Good luck, ladies. And God be with you.

Rita Bronwyn: Have you seen the new model? It's awesome. It checks 14 different bodily fluids.
Adrian Monk: Fourteen?
Rita Bronwyn: Yeah. Uh, blood, saliva, semen...
Adrian Monk: Okay. That-That-That's okay. Thank you. How does it work?
Rita Bronwyn: I'll show you. Here. Wait. I gotta turn these lights off.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Whoa. Oh, my God. Ugh. Ugh. Whoa. Ah! Oh, oh, oh! Oh! Ugh! Turn, plea- Turn it off, please. God, please. [coughs out tooth pick] I think I'd like to switch rooms.
Rita Bronwyn: We're all booked up. [Monk picks up the phone with a wipe]
Woman: [on the phone] Front desk.
Adrian Monk: Housekeeping?

Adrian Monk: Mr. Fenimore. He's talking to a woman. I can't see her face. But it's definitely not his wife. Benjy, can you read lips?
Benjy: I'm in sixth grade. I can barely read words.

Adrian Monk: I think I'll go back to the room.
Sharona: Yeah, you don't want to burn. You've been out here for, what, 10 minutes? What happened to the bathing suit I bought you?
Adrian Monk: I'm wearing it underneath.
Sharona: You're not gonna even try?
Adrian Monk: I am what I am.
Sharona: Well, you do what you want. This is my first vacation in three years, and I'm gonna make every minute count.
Adrian Monk: I tried doing that once making every minute count. It gave me a headache.
Sharona: What doesn't?

Benjy: Mom could have got that shot. Do you think she's letting him win?
Adrian Monk: I wouldn't be surprised.
Benjy: You know, why do girls do that?
Adrian Monk: Someday you'll understand. When you do, call me and explain it to me.

Benjy: [putting note in an arcade game] Oh, it's too wrinkled.
Adrian Monk: Okay, here. Try one of mine.
Benjy: Whoa. How do you keep it looking like new?
Adrian Monk: Hand-washed, no bleach. Tumble dry, medium heat. Cool iron.

Chuck Byrn: It's very hot. Unbelievably hot. It didn't say in the brochure this place was located five blocks from the sun, did it? Oh, I went down to I saw the strangest thing on the beach. I was down there, walking around on the beach and... Oh, my God. That's the guy. I saw that guy on the beach today, and you know what he was wearing? The exact same thing he's wearing right now. I couldn't believe it. How are ya? What's your name, sir?
Sharona: Adrian, don't tell him.
Chuck Byrn: Adrian? That's his name. That's a nice whisper. I didn't pick up on it at all. Very quiet. Very effective. Adrian's your name. Good to see you, Adrian. Thanks for coming down to the show. Let's give Adrian a big hand for coming down here, huh? [audience applaud] Good to see ya. You kind of looked like a little bit like a vampire out there on the beach today.
Adrian Monk: Um, I'm not a vampire.
Chuck Byrn: Good thing. We're all gonna sleep better tonight knowing that. What are you doing here with the peanuts here, Adrian?
Adrian Monk: This bowl had more, and I was helping to even them out.
Chuck Byrn: Evening out the peanuts. It's an important job. I think we might have hit the jackpot, folks. Get comfy, Adrian. We're gonna be talking to you for a little while.

Chuck Byrn: Now this is fascinating. You keep your socks in Baggies.
Adrian Monk: I really don't think it's that unusual.
Chuck Byrn: You don't think it's that unusual? Really. Maybe we could ask around. Does anyone else here keep their socks in Baggies? No. Sorry, Adrian. I think you're a freak. [Monk starts to walk away] Whoa. Not so fast, Adrian. Not so fast. You don't leave a slot machine when it's paying off, my friend. All right? So, you brought your own soap to the hotel.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Chuck Byrn: I guess because the hotel soap, that that just wouldn't be clean? Towels. Did you bring your own towels?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Chuck Byrn: Sheets? - Pillowcases?
Adrian Monk: Of course.
Chuck Byrn: Of course, yeah. You realize most people show up at hotels, they show up so they can steal that crap? [Monk starts picking at the microphone] What are- What are you doing? What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Just- There was a little fuzz on it, a little lint.
Chuck Byrn: Yeah, but that's my lint. You can't take my lint. That's my lint. That's my area. That's where- That's where I keep my lint. That's my safe lint spot. You really want to pull it off of there, don't you? It's breaking you up inside, isn't it? Ah.
Sharona: Adrian, forget the fuzz. Forget it.
Chuck Byrn: Whoa. [Monk grabs the fuzz] There he goes, folks. He's got his lint, huh? How about a big hand for him? How proud you must be. You've got lint!

Benjy: Hey, look. I can see our room. And, uh, there's Mr. Monk's room.
Sharona: Which one?
Benjy: The first one. The one he couldn't stay in because it smelled funny.

Benjy: Hey, Mom. You owe me an ice cream sundae. We had a bet. Mom said you wouldn't come outside even once.
Adrian Monk: Oh, ye of little faith.
Benjy: Hey, Mom, can I go Jet Skiing?
Sharona: No, it's too scary.
Benjy: No, it's not. All the other kids...
Sharona: Not for you. For Mr. Monk.
Benjy: There's nothing to do.
Sharona: Here. Here. Take a quarter, look in the telescope.
Benjy: The telescope? Big whoop.