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‘Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation

110. Mr. Monk Takes a Vacation

Aired September 20, 2002

When Sharona takes Monk with her on vacation, Benjy believes he witnessed a murder at the hotel.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You see them? Fluids.
Maid #1: Fluids?
Adrian Monk: Bodily fluids. I'm gonna need everything scrubbed. S-Scrubbed. How do you say "scrubbed"?
Maid #1: Scrubbed.
Adrian Monk: Scrubbed. The curtains, the carpeting. And did you bring bleach?
Maid #2: Bleach?
Adrian Monk: Bleach! The white God. Dios blanco. Good. That's good. Okay, take your time. Don't worry. I'll pay extra. Whatever it takes.
Rita Bronwyn: Don't you worry, partner. They're a team of experts. I'm going downstairs to look for the stiff. Good luck, ladies.
Adrian Monk: Good luck, ladies. And God be with you.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Rita Bronwyn: Have you seen the new model? It's awesome. It checks 14 different bodily fluids.
Adrian Monk: Fourteen?
Rita Bronwyn: Yeah. Uh, blood, saliva, semen...
Adrian Monk: Okay. That-That-That's okay. Thank you. How does it work?
Rita Bronwyn: I'll show you. Here. Wait. I gotta turn these lights off.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Whoa. Oh, my God. Ugh. Ugh. Whoa. Ah! Oh, oh, oh! Oh! Ugh! Turn, plea- Turn it off, please. God, please. [coughs out tooth pick] I think I'd like to switch rooms.
Rita Bronwyn: We're all booked up. [Monk picks up the phone with a wipe]
Woman: [on the phone] Front desk.
Adrian Monk: Housekeeping?

Quote from Benjy Fleming

Adrian Monk: Mr. Fenimore. He's talking to a woman. I can't see her face. But it's definitely not his wife. Benjy, can you read lips?
Benjy: I'm in sixth grade. I can barely read words.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I think I'll go back to the room.
Sharona: Yeah, you don't want to burn. You've been out here for, what, 10 minutes? What happened to the bathing suit I bought you?
Adrian Monk: I'm wearing it underneath.
Sharona: You're not gonna even try?
Adrian Monk: I am what I am.
Sharona: Well, you do what you want. This is my first vacation in three years, and I'm gonna make every minute count.
Adrian Monk: I tried doing that once making every minute count. It gave me a headache.
Sharona: What doesn't?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Benjy: Mom could have got that shot. Do you think she's letting him win?
Adrian Monk: I wouldn't be surprised.
Benjy: You know, why do girls do that?
Adrian Monk: Someday you'll understand. When you do, call me and explain it to me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Benjy: [putting note in an arcade game] Oh, it's too wrinkled.
Adrian Monk: Okay, here. Try one of mine.
Benjy: Whoa. How do you keep it looking like new?
Adrian Monk: Hand-washed, no bleach. Tumble dry, medium heat. Cool iron.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Chuck Byrn: It's very hot. Unbelievably hot. It didn't say in the brochure this place was located five blocks from the sun, did it? Oh, I went down to I saw the strangest thing on the beach. I was down there, walking around on the beach and... Oh, my God. That's the guy. I saw that guy on the beach today, and you know what he was wearing? The exact same thing he's wearing right now. I couldn't believe it. How are ya? What's your name, sir?
Sharona: Adrian, don't tell him.
Chuck Byrn: Adrian? That's his name. That's a nice whisper. I didn't pick up on it at all. Very quiet. Very effective. Adrian's your name. Good to see you, Adrian. Thanks for coming down to the show. Let's give Adrian a big hand for coming down here, huh? [audience applaud] Good to see ya. You kind of looked like a little bit like a vampire out there on the beach today.
Adrian Monk: Um, I'm not a vampire.
Chuck Byrn: Good thing. We're all gonna sleep better tonight knowing that. What are you doing here with the peanuts here, Adrian?
Adrian Monk: This bowl had more, and I was helping to even them out.
Chuck Byrn: Evening out the peanuts. It's an important job. I think we might have hit the jackpot, folks. Get comfy, Adrian. We're gonna be talking to you for a little while.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Chuck Byrn: Now this is fascinating. You keep your socks in Baggies.
Adrian Monk: I really don't think it's that unusual.
Chuck Byrn: You don't think it's that unusual? Really. Maybe we could ask around. Does anyone else here keep their socks in Baggies? No. Sorry, Adrian. I think you're a freak. [Monk starts to walk away] Whoa. Not so fast, Adrian. Not so fast. You don't leave a slot machine when it's paying off, my friend. All right? So, you brought your own soap to the hotel.
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Chuck Byrn: I guess because the hotel soap, that that just wouldn't be clean? Towels. Did you bring your own towels?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Chuck Byrn: Sheets? - Pillowcases?
Adrian Monk: Of course.
Chuck Byrn: Of course, yeah. You realize most people show up at hotels, they show up so they can steal that crap? [Monk starts picking at the microphone] What are- What are you doing? What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Just- There was a little fuzz on it, a little lint.
Chuck Byrn: Yeah, but that's my lint. You can't take my lint. That's my lint. That's my area. That's where- That's where I keep my lint. That's my safe lint spot. You really want to pull it off of there, don't you? It's breaking you up inside, isn't it? Ah.
Sharona: Adrian, forget the fuzz. Forget it.
Chuck Byrn: Whoa. [Monk grabs the fuzz] There he goes, folks. He's got his lint, huh? How about a big hand for him? How proud you must be. You've got lint!

Quote from Benjy Fleming

Benjy: Hey, look. I can see our room. And, uh, there's Mr. Monk's room.
Sharona: Which one?
Benjy: The first one. The one he couldn't stay in because it smelled funny.

Quote from Benjy Fleming

Benjy: Hey, Mom. You owe me an ice cream sundae. We had a bet. Mom said you wouldn't come outside even once.
Adrian Monk: Oh, ye of little faith.
Benjy: Hey, Mom, can I go Jet Skiing?
Sharona: No, it's too scary.
Benjy: No, it's not. All the other kids...
Sharona: Not for you. For Mr. Monk.
Benjy: There's nothing to do.
Sharona: Here. Here. Take a quarter, look in the telescope.
Benjy: The telescope? Big whoop.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You want me to go in backwards?
Rita Bronwyn: No, no, no. On three, I go in high. You follow me. Stay low.
Adrian Monk: Got it. [Rita taps her nose] Do I have something on my nose?
Rita Bronwyn: Oh. No. That's just from The Sting.
Adrian Monk: What sting?
Rita Bronwyn: No, the movie The Sting. They were always doing this.
Adrian Monk: What does it mean?
Rita Bronwyn: I don't know.

Quote from Sharona

Shawn: Hey. I was just about to call your room. [sings] My Sharona. [talks] Bet you get that all the time.
Sharona: Uh, no, no, no. That was- That was the first time. Uh, this is my boss, Adrian Monk, and my son Benjy.
Shawn: Hey, how you doing, guys? So, what do you think?
Sharona: You look great I won't be able to keep my eye on the ball.
Shawn: Exactly my plan. I'll take them.
Sharona: Okay, I'll see you two later. And don't let him get into any trouble.
Adrian Monk: I won't.
Sharona: I was talkin' to Benjy.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: [on the phone] Fenimore, John P. Well, he's a big fish. Chief Operating Officer for Marin Bay Investments. Makes a lot of money for a lot of people, Monk. Oh, here's a red flag. He was indicted three years ago. Domestic thing. A fight with his wife got out of hand. She dropped the charges the next day.
Adrian Monk: Is that it?
Lieutenant Disher: Yep. That's it. So, uh, would you like to tell me what's going on?
Adrian Monk: I think this time he might have killed his wife.
Lieutenant Disher: Where are you staying, Monk? The Bates Motel?
Adrian Monk: No. But I have a feeling this place is run by the same company.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Rita Bronwyn: Tony, remember last Christmas, that jewelry was stolen? You didn't listen to me. I believe you were reprimanded for that.
Tony Landis: Fine! All right. You have one hour. After that, the siege is over, and we're back to normal. Or what passes for normal around here. Are you happy now?
Adrian Monk: I'm never happy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Rita Bronwyn: Mr.Monk, would you like a toothpick? I like 'em minty. You care for one?
Adrian Monk: No, thanks.
Rita Bronwyn: You sure? They're individually wrapped.
Adrian Monk: Okay.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Rita Bronwyn: Are you thinking inside job?
Adrian Monk: Maybe it's that comedian. Wouldn't that be great? Do you have a piece of paper?
Tony Landis: No.
Adrian Monk: Isn't that a notepad in your pocket?
Rita Bronwyn: It's lime?
Adrian Monk: It's calcium oxide quicklime.
Tony Landis: What's that supposed to mean?
Adrian Monk: It's used to cover up smells. Smugglers use it to fool drug-sniffing dogs.
Rita Bronwyn: I've seen the mob use it when they try to hide a body.
Adrian Monk: You've seen the mob use it?
Rita Bronwyn: I mean, in that movie GoodFellas I saw it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What do they weigh? About 40 pounds each?
Groundskeeper: Fifty.
Adrian Monk: Heavy bags. Locked door. They probably used the window. There had to be- There had to be more than one person. I think we're looking for a gang. Did they move those pallet boards?
Groundskeeper: They don't belong there.
Adrian Monk: They were short.
Groundskeeper: A short gang of lime thieves?
Adrian Monk: It's a nutty world.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Benjy: It stinks in here.
Adrian Monk: Oh, that's the the disinfectant. They cleaned the whole room.
Benjy: That's not the laundry. That's the garbage.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Benjy: Okay, so why are you throwing it away?
Adrian Monk: They were irredeemable. Do you know what that means?
Benjy: Uh, yeah. They got dirty.
Adrian Monk: Exactly.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Benjy: Listen, I wanted to say thanks.
Adrian Monk: For what?
Benjy: For believing me when nobody else did. Though you probably just felt sorry for me 'cause my dad's not around.
Adrian Monk: Hey. I don't have to be your father to believe you. Or to be proud of you. If you say you saw a body, then something happened here. And I'm gonna find out what it is.
Benjy: I've never seen a room this clean. She must have worked all night.
Adrian Monk: Oh, it wasn't just one. It was a whole group of them. Four maids. A short gang. The maids.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: The maids' locker room. Right down here.
Rita Bronwyn: God, you're good! It took me six months to find this place. Hey, Landis says you've gotta check out by 4:00 p.m. No extension.
Adrian Monk: 4:00 p.m. that only gives me three hours.
Rita Bronwyn: That's all Clint had in Dirty Harry.
Adrian Monk: Hey, uh, Rita, you have had nonfictional police experiences, right?
Rita Bronwyn: Yeah, sure.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: I don't get it. Who did they kill?
Adrian Monk: The missing maid.
Rita Bronwyn: Maid number five.
Adrian Monk: Lupe Olivencia.
Rita Bronwyn: She probably got greedy.
Adrian Monk: Or more likely, she grew a conscience and then wanted out. Whatever the reason, they had to get rid of her.
Rita Bronwyn: So then they went to work.
Adrian Monk: It was the cleanest crime scene in the history of crime.
Rita Bronwyn: And we can't prove a thing.
Adrian Monk: Not without a body. No body, no case. But it just has to be here somewhere.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I don't think I can wait a whole year.
Sharona: For what?
Adrian Monk: Our next vacation.
Sharona: You enjoyed that?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I had a great time.
Sharona: Okay, for your information, that was not a vacation, Adrian. A vacation is supposed to be fun and relaxing. That was murder camp.
Adrian Monk: I was thinking, the first week of November, there's this place in Monterey.
Sharona: No. No, forget it. No more vacations. The next time you try to make me take a vacation, I swear I'm quitting. I can't believe I just said that.
Adrian Monk: You seem upset.
Sharona: I am upset!
Adrian Monk: You know what you need?
Sharona: Shut up.
Adrian Monk: Vacation!
Sharona: Shut up!


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