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‘Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage

412. Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage

Aired January 27, 2006

After Captain Stottlemeyer hits a police officer who claimed to be sleeping with his wife, he asks Monk and Natalie to follow Karen (guest star Glenne Headly).

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Look. $10.03. That's how much is in there.
Natalie: Okay, thank you. Now we know.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I think we should make it even.
Natalie: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: The fountain. We take out three cents and that'll be 10 dollars. It's a nice round number. 10 dollars. Then everyone would be happier.
Natalie: You always say that. Who is everyone?
Adrian Monk: Me. Me.
Natalie: You want me to reach in here and take out 3 pennies?
Adrian Monk: Would you mind?
Natalie: Yes, I would.
Natalie: Look, look, she's moving again. We gotta go. Mr. Monk, if we walk now, we won't even think about the fountain.
Adrian Monk: I'll think about it. It would haunt me.
Natalie: The three extra pennies. It would haunt you?
Adrian Monk: It will haunt me.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [to a kid on the jungle gym] Careful. Both your hands. That's too high. These things are death traps. It's not just my opinion. It's a fact. In Belgium, 1952, a kid almost died on one of those.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Look at all this junk. They should get rid of it. And put it somewhere.
Natalie: Well, they did it, Mr. Monk. They put it here. It's a junkyard.
Adrian Monk: You can say that again.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't want any more advice. I wanna know where Karen is going this afternoon.
Adrian Monk: What if she sees us? She's gonna know that you asked us to follow her. Wouldn't that be worse?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Worse than not knowing? Isn't it killing you not knowing what happened to Trudy? How many times have I asked you for a favor?
Adrian Monk: 103. Counting this, 104.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How many times have I said please?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Gerald: It's not me. I'm worried about Devo.
Natalie: Who's Devo?
Adrian Monk: [Gerald opens his box] Mouse! Mouse! Ah!
Gerald: I fell on the box and Devo fell on me. If the doctors find him, I don't know what they're gonna do. Hospitals hate rodents. They're like fanatics about it.
Lieutenant Disher: We'll take care of Devo for you, I promise.
Natalie: He's actually kinda cute.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, don't touch him. Later on, if we have time, I'll tell you a little story about the Black Plague.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk. Natalie. Thanks for getting here so fast.
Adrian Monk: This is not an appliance store.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I know.
Adrian Monk: You said it was an appliance store.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry, I lied. But if I'd told you it was a junkyard, it would've taken me 5 hours to get you down here.
Adrian Monk: This is a junkyard.
Natalie: Well, wait, so you lied to us?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry. This is a big case. It just went down. About 20 minutes ago. We've got a fresh crime scene for once. I wanted him here right away.
Natalie: I can't believe you lied to us.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, I said I'm sorry. I think twice. How many times do I need to apologize?
Adrian Monk: 6.
Natalie: 6.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sorry, sorry, sorry. Can we do this?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Uh oh.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's up?
Adrian Monk: That car. One headlight's not broken. It's the only one that's not broken. [the Captain takes out his gun and shoots the headlight] Thank you.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: Don't touch the body. CSI isn't here yet.
Natalie: Okay, I won't touch the body.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Because I'm your husband and that makes it my business. No, Karen, you don't want to talk about it? You gotta talk about it. Karen, no, I'm not yelling. I'm trying to- Karen.
Sergeant Sharkey: That's not cool, man. You should treat her better.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What did you say?
Sergeant Sharkey: Oh, I just- I don't really think you appreciate her. She's a... She's a hell of a woman.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Do I know you?
Sergeant Sharkey: No. No, you don't know me. The question is, do you know your wife?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's your name?
Sergeant Sharkey: Sharkey, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, Sgt. Sharkey. You're obviously trying to tell me something. Are you trying to tell me that you know my wife?
Sergeant Sharkey: Maybe I do.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You'd better wipe that smile off your face.
Sergeant Sharkey: Well, I don't know if I can do that. Karen put it there.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Hold on. Hey, you guys, you can't fight here. This is a crime scene.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You wanna take it down the street? Let's go.
Sergeant Sharkey: Oh, sure, yeah. That's how you solve everything, isn't it? Do you ever wonder what Karen's doing on Tuesday nights? You know, when you're at the staff meeting.
Lieutenant Disher: Whoa, Sergeant, shut up. That's an order.
Sergeant Sharkey: Take it from me, pal. She ain't missing you.
Lieutenant Disher: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. I'm okay. It's okay. Okay, I'm okay.
Lieutenant Disher: Just walk away from this.
[The Captain punches Sharkey in the face]

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Karen Stottlemeyer: Leland, what are you doing here? Did something happen?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, that's a good question. What did you do? Did you turn the heat up? It's like a sauna in here.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Well, it's supposed to be 99 degrees exactly. It's called the Gittomer method. It's very therapeutic.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I can't breathe.
Karen Stottlemeyer: What happened to your hand?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I punched a cop.
Karen Stottlemeyer: You punched a cop?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. A sergeant. Ryan Sharkey.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Why?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You don't know? He said you and he were having an affair.
Karen Stottlemeyer: And you believed him? Leland, he is lying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why would he lie, Karen? Why would anybody lie about something like that?
Karen Stottlemeyer: Well, I don't know. Maybe it was a joke. You know, cop humor. I slept with your old lady, ha ha ha.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So you're denying it.
Karen Stottlemeyer: No, I'm not denying it. It's so crazy I won't even respond to it. I can't believe we're even talking about this.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: It sure would explain a lot.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Like what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know. Like you sleeping in the guest room.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Because you've been snoring.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I didn't just start snoring, Karen. And you forgetting our anniversary. And you not wanting to touch me anymore.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Leland, we have problems. I'm not saying we don't. But that isn't one of them. Or at least it wasn't.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You used to tie my neckties.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, here's how you follow someone. Stay at least 40 feet back. But not more than 60. And whenever possible, try to use reflective surfaces.
Natalie: Reflective surfaces?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, see? [looks at Karen in the reflection of some sunglasses] Very discreet. Reflective surfaces. Wait a minute, I lost her. Where'd she go?
Natalie: [holds mirror on top of sunglasses rack] Okay, would this be considered a reflective surfaces?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, well, mirrors. Mirrors are good, too.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: How long have they been married?
Adrian Monk: Forever. Karen and Leland, and they never had one thing in common. I remember, this one weekend, he went hunting and she stayed home and organized a rally for stronger gun control.
Natalie: It's hard when people get married that young, you know. You get older and change.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, not me.
Natalie: Well, I know not you, but people.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [knocking an arm off a mannequin] Sorry. I'm so sorry.
Natalie: It's okay. Mr. Monk, come on, come on. She's getting away.
Adrian Monk: But you can't just leave her like this.
Natalie: It's a mannequin.
Adrian Monk: Why do you say things like that?
Natalie: Oh.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no.
[After Natalie and Monk run out of the store, Monk goes back and removes the mannequin's other arm]

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Peter: So we're at her favorite restaurant, okay? And I'm spending like a whole week's paycheck on this one dinner. And then this jerk at the table next to me keeps yapping on his cell phone. I hate those cell phones. You can't have a decent conversation anymore.
Dr. Bradley: Did you say your affirmation?
Peter: Yes. Yes, I did. Uh huh. Okay, I tried. I really did. I said, please, we're trying to enjoy our dinner. And then his cell phone rang again. And I guess I lost it. I threw a plate. A couple of plates.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [cell phone rings] Excuse me. Yeah. Uh-huh. Look, I can't talk right now, Karen. I'll call you later.
Dr. Bradley: Leland, would you mind turning that off?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I can't. I'm on duty.
Peter: So what are you, a cop?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's right.
Peter: You think you're better than me because you're a cop?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, Peter, I think I'm better than you on general principle.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Peter: Well, at least I have some rough idea where my wife is.
[Captain Stottlemeyer stands up and sizes up Peter]
Dr. Bradley: Leland. Leland, look at me. Look. Look at me. Say your affirmation. I wanna hear it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: These things happen.
Dr. Bradley: Say it again.
Captain Stottlemeyer: These things happen.
Dr. Bradley: Sit down.
Captain Stottlemeyer: These things happen.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Dr. Bradley: Leland, you don't have to act on your feelings. You're an adult. You can choose how you wanna respond.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're absolutely right.
Dr. Bradley: I'm gonna give you something. It's a backup plan in case you're out in the world and you're in a situation and your affirmation is not working. It's a fact. You can't stay mad at anybody when you're playing with a yo-yo. I want you to take this with you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't think so.
Dr. Bradley: You understand if I don't sign your certificate of completion, you're gonna be with us for another 6 weeks.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Security Guard: Excuse me. Did you just take money from that fountain?
Natalie: No.
Security Guard: Ma'am.
Natalie: Well, yeah, I mean...
Adrian Monk: We were making it even.
Security Guard: Come with me, please.
Natalie: I just need to get a shot.
Security Guard: I don't want any trouble. Just come with me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Gerald: Seemingly unrelated facts were coming together in Mark's mind to form an undeniable truth. A picture of absolute clarity where before there had been confusion. "What do you know?", Jesse asked him. "I know how Winston Brent was killed", Mark said. "And I know who did it." Oh, can you believe it? What kind of a degenerate tears out the last two pages of a Diagnosis Murder mystery book?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Hi, I'm Lieutenant Disher, San Francisco Police. This is Adrian Monk, Natalie Teeger. How are you feeling?
Gerald: Like I got dropped out of a 3-story window. Luckily, I fell on a triple-corrugated GE refrigerator box. It's an excellent box. If you got to fall on a box, try to make it a GE triple corrugated.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I'll keep that in mind.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey. I've been calling you guys all day. Have you been avoiding me?
Adrian Monk: Yes, we have.
Natalie: We were waiting till we could print this for you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: She's seeing somebody. I knew it. Who is it?
Adrian Monk: We never saw his face.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is this the only photograph you got?
Natalie: Well, we sort of got arrested.
Adrian Monk: It's a funny story.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't wanna hear it.
Adrian Monk: No, it's really funny.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I really don't wanna hear it. It's Sharkey, isn't it?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. If you look at the shape of his left ear...
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't wanna hear about the shape of the man's ear. Monk, it's him. I can tell.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Number three, please put the yo-yo away.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: That might have been the worst lineup in the history of law enforcement.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, it wasn't exactly textbook, was it.
Lieutenant Disher: Captain, what should I do?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You do your job, Randy. You write it up exactly as it happened. Don't worry about me.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Karen Stottlemeyer: Leland, Natalie called to tell me that you've been fighting again. Are you okay?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I'm okay. Why don't you ask about your boyfriend?
Sergeant Sharkey: Hey, Karen.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Leland, I've never seen that man before in my life.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Karen, you can just stop pretending. Now you're just insulting me.
Sergeant Sharkey: Karen, would you just tell him? Leland, I know you want to kill me. I'd probably feel the same way, all right? But you gotta understand, whatever happened between Karen and I didn't mean anything. All right? It was a mistake. I'm sorry. I'm apologizing to you.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Who are you? Leland, he must be crazy.
Sergeant Sharkey: Karen, it was fun. You gotta face the music. It's over between us.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Okay? Okay, I don't know him. You've got to believe me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Do I?
Karen Stottlemeyer: Yes, you do. You have to believe me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Excuse me. Excuse me, Sergeant. Are you chewing that apple on your left side?
Sergeant Sharkey: Yeah, so?
Adrian Monk: Why?
Sergeant Sharkey: Why? Because your friend knocked my tooth out two day ago, remember?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I remember. But he didn't hit you on this side. The captain is right-handed. He hit you on the other side. Your left side. The side, the side you're chewing on.
Sergeant Sharkey: Okay.
Adrian Monk: The Captain didn't knock your tooth out, did he?
Sergeant Sharkey: What are you, crazy?
Adrian Monk: I'm remembering a few other things. You- You used to work at Mendocino, right? When we saw Michael Karpov in the park, his son was wearing a shirt. It said Mendocino Day School.
Lieutenant Disher: Michael Karpov lives in Mendocino.
Sergeant Sharkey: Yeah, a lot of people live in Mendocino. I don't know Michael Karpov.
Adrian Monk: I think you do. Ten minutes ago, downstairs, you were wearing those clothes and Karpov called you Sergeant.
Natalie: That's right. I heard that too.
Adrian Monk: How did he know you were sergeant, Sergeant?
Lieutenant Disher: [on the phone] This is Disher. Is Gerald Vengal still in the building?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You work for Michael Karpov.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We always suspected there was a cop on his payroll.
Adrian Monk: You killed Chicklet, didn't you? That's why you didn't shoot him. 'cause you knew the bullet could be traced back to your weapon. Here's what happened. You lured Chicklet to the junk yard. But he fought back. He must've hit you. You were bleeding. You lost a tooth. And you had a big problem. Your DNA was all over that crime scene. And the cops were on the way. You didn't have time to clean it up. You put your uniform on. You returned to the scene. But you knew forensics would be there any minute. What to do? What to do? Then you had an idea. If you picked a fight with someone, if you could provoke them and get them to hit you, you'd be home free. They could find your tooth, your DNA, your blood. And nobody would ever question it.
Karen Stottlemeyer: You told my husband we were sleeping together so that he would hit you?
Sergeant Sharkey: Okay, would you stop. You can't prove any of this.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think we can. We can connect you to Karpov. We'll pull your phone bills, your e-mails, your bank accounts.
Sergeant Sharkey: Yeah, I think you might need a little more than that.
Gerald: That's the guy. I've been telling you guys all day. I saw him at the junk yard. That's the guy. [taking Sergeant Sharkey's apple] Oh, hey, are you done with that? It's not for me. It's for Devo. He's had a pretty rough day.
Adrian Monk: That mouse was in my pocket. It was in my pocket.
Lieutenant Disher: Let's go, Sharkey.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Heck of a thing, huh? Actually, it's kind of flattering if you think about it. He picked me because he knew that I would react. 'cause he could tell how much I love you.
Karen Stottlemeyer: It's not flattering, Leland.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Karen. I know that I've got a temper, but I've been working on it. I've got a yo-yo. Actually, I, uh, the yo-yo broke when I threw it at the guy.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Why didn't you believe me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I had Monk follow you yesterday afternoon. He saw you meeting a man.
Karen Stottlemeyer: You had me followed?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You wanna tell me about him?
Karen Stottlemeyer: His name is Max Tepperton. He's a divorce lawyer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You've been sleeping with a divorce lawyer? You know what? It doesn't matter. Because I forgive you, Karen. Hell, I'm no saint. We'll get past this.
Karen Stottlemeyer: No, Leland. He's representing me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Stottlemeyer vs. Stottlemeyer. Why?
Karen Stottlemeyer: Because you have to ask why, Leland. That's why.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Natalie: So is that it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep. Twenty years, two suitcases.
Natalie: Where are the boys?
Captain Stottlemeyer: They're with Karen. At her sister's.
Natalie: How are they doing?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not good.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Listen, Captain, if you need somebody to talk to, just call, anytime about anything even in the middle of the night.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I know your number.
Adrian Monk: No, no, it's not me. It's Natalie's home phone. She's really good.
Natalie: He's right. Anytime.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Natalie: Well, you know the old saying, "When God closes a door..."
Captain Stottlemeyer: When God closes a door, sometimes he breaks your heart.
Natalie: That's not the old saying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It is today.


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