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‘Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage

412. Mr. Monk and the Captain's Marriage

Aired January 27, 2006

After Captain Stottlemeyer hits a police officer who claimed to be sleeping with his wife, he asks Monk and Natalie to follow Karen (guest star Glenne Headly).

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Look. $10.03. That's how much is in there.
Natalie: Okay, thank you. Now we know.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I think we should make it even.
Natalie: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: The fountain. We take out three cents and that'll be 10 dollars. It's a nice round number. 10 dollars. Then everyone would be happier.
Natalie: You always say that. Who is everyone?
Adrian Monk: Me. Me.
Natalie: You want me to reach in here and take out 3 pennies?
Adrian Monk: Would you mind?
Natalie: Yes, I would.
Natalie: Look, look, she's moving again. We gotta go. Mr. Monk, if we walk now, we won't even think about the fountain.
Adrian Monk: I'll think about it. It would haunt me.
Natalie: The three extra pennies. It would haunt you?
Adrian Monk: It will haunt me.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [to a kid on the jungle gym] Careful. Both your hands. That's too high. These things are death traps. It's not just my opinion. It's a fact. In Belgium, 1952, a kid almost died on one of those.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Look at all this junk. They should get rid of it. And put it somewhere.
Natalie: Well, they did it, Mr. Monk. They put it here. It's a junkyard.
Adrian Monk: You can say that again.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't want any more advice. I wanna know where Karen is going this afternoon.
Adrian Monk: What if she sees us? She's gonna know that you asked us to follow her. Wouldn't that be worse?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Worse than not knowing? Isn't it killing you not knowing what happened to Trudy? How many times have I asked you for a favor?
Adrian Monk: 103. Counting this, 104.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How many times have I said please?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Gerald: It's not me. I'm worried about Devo.
Natalie: Who's Devo?
Adrian Monk: [Gerald opens his box] Mouse! Mouse! Ah!
Gerald: I fell on the box and Devo fell on me. If the doctors find him, I don't know what they're gonna do. Hospitals hate rodents. They're like fanatics about it.
Lieutenant Disher: We'll take care of Devo for you, I promise.
Natalie: He's actually kinda cute.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, don't touch him. Later on, if we have time, I'll tell you a little story about the Black Plague.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk. Natalie. Thanks for getting here so fast.
Adrian Monk: This is not an appliance store.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I know.
Adrian Monk: You said it was an appliance store.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry, I lied. But if I'd told you it was a junkyard, it would've taken me 5 hours to get you down here.
Adrian Monk: This is a junkyard.
Natalie: Well, wait, so you lied to us?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry. This is a big case. It just went down. About 20 minutes ago. We've got a fresh crime scene for once. I wanted him here right away.
Natalie: I can't believe you lied to us.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, I said I'm sorry. I think twice. How many times do I need to apologize?
Adrian Monk: 6.
Natalie: 6.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sorry, sorry, sorry. Can we do this?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Uh oh.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's up?
Adrian Monk: That car. One headlight's not broken. It's the only one that's not broken. [the Captain takes out his gun and shoots the headlight] Thank you.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: Don't touch the body. CSI isn't here yet.
Natalie: Okay, I won't touch the body.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Because I'm your husband and that makes it my business. No, Karen, you don't want to talk about it? You gotta talk about it. Karen, no, I'm not yelling. I'm trying to- Karen.
Sergeant Sharkey: That's not cool, man. You should treat her better.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What did you say?
Sergeant Sharkey: Oh, I just- I don't really think you appreciate her. She's a... She's a hell of a woman.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Do I know you?
Sergeant Sharkey: No. No, you don't know me. The question is, do you know your wife?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's your name?
Sergeant Sharkey: Sharkey, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, Sgt. Sharkey. You're obviously trying to tell me something. Are you trying to tell me that you know my wife?
Sergeant Sharkey: Maybe I do.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You'd better wipe that smile off your face.
Sergeant Sharkey: Well, I don't know if I can do that. Karen put it there.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Hold on. Hey, you guys, you can't fight here. This is a crime scene.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You wanna take it down the street? Let's go.
Sergeant Sharkey: Oh, sure, yeah. That's how you solve everything, isn't it? Do you ever wonder what Karen's doing on Tuesday nights? You know, when you're at the staff meeting.
Lieutenant Disher: Whoa, Sergeant, shut up. That's an order.
Sergeant Sharkey: Take it from me, pal. She ain't missing you.
Lieutenant Disher: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. I'm okay. It's okay. Okay, I'm okay.
Lieutenant Disher: Just walk away from this.
[The Captain punches Sharkey in the face]

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Karen Stottlemeyer: Leland, what are you doing here? Did something happen?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, that's a good question. What did you do? Did you turn the heat up? It's like a sauna in here.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Well, it's supposed to be 99 degrees exactly. It's called the Gittomer method. It's very therapeutic.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I can't breathe.
Karen Stottlemeyer: What happened to your hand?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I punched a cop.
Karen Stottlemeyer: You punched a cop?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. A sergeant. Ryan Sharkey.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Why?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You don't know? He said you and he were having an affair.
Karen Stottlemeyer: And you believed him? Leland, he is lying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why would he lie, Karen? Why would anybody lie about something like that?
Karen Stottlemeyer: Well, I don't know. Maybe it was a joke. You know, cop humor. I slept with your old lady, ha ha ha.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So you're denying it.
Karen Stottlemeyer: No, I'm not denying it. It's so crazy I won't even respond to it. I can't believe we're even talking about this.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: It sure would explain a lot.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Like what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know. Like you sleeping in the guest room.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Because you've been snoring.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I didn't just start snoring, Karen. And you forgetting our anniversary. And you not wanting to touch me anymore.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Leland, we have problems. I'm not saying we don't. But that isn't one of them. Or at least it wasn't.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You used to tie my neckties.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Okay. Okay, here's how you follow someone. Stay at least 40 feet back. But not more than 60. And whenever possible, try to use reflective surfaces.
Natalie: Reflective surfaces?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, see? [looks at Karen in the reflection of some sunglasses] Very discreet. Reflective surfaces. Wait a minute, I lost her. Where'd she go?
Natalie: [holds mirror on top of sunglasses rack] Okay, would this be considered a reflective surfaces?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, well, mirrors. Mirrors are good, too.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: How long have they been married?
Adrian Monk: Forever. Karen and Leland, and they never had one thing in common. I remember, this one weekend, he went hunting and she stayed home and organized a rally for stronger gun control.
Natalie: It's hard when people get married that young, you know. You get older and change.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, not me.
Natalie: Well, I know not you, but people.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [knocking an arm off a mannequin] Sorry. I'm so sorry.
Natalie: It's okay. Mr. Monk, come on, come on. She's getting away.
Adrian Monk: But you can't just leave her like this.
Natalie: It's a mannequin.
Adrian Monk: Why do you say things like that?
Natalie: Oh.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no.
[After Natalie and Monk run out of the store, Monk goes back and removes the mannequin's other arm]

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Peter: So we're at her favorite restaurant, okay? And I'm spending like a whole week's paycheck on this one dinner. And then this jerk at the table next to me keeps yapping on his cell phone. I hate those cell phones. You can't have a decent conversation anymore.
Dr. Bradley: Did you say your affirmation?
Peter: Yes. Yes, I did. Uh huh. Okay, I tried. I really did. I said, please, we're trying to enjoy our dinner. And then his cell phone rang again. And I guess I lost it. I threw a plate. A couple of plates.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [cell phone rings] Excuse me. Yeah. Uh-huh. Look, I can't talk right now, Karen. I'll call you later.
Dr. Bradley: Leland, would you mind turning that off?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I can't. I'm on duty.
Peter: So what are you, a cop?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's right.
Peter: You think you're better than me because you're a cop?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, Peter, I think I'm better than you on general principle.

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