Adrian Monk: Look. $10.03. That's how much is in there.
Natalie: Okay, thank you. Now we know.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I think we should make it even.
Natalie: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: The fountain. We take out three cents and that'll be 10 dollars. It's a nice round number. 10 dollars. Then everyone would be happier.
Natalie: You always say that. Who is everyone?
Adrian Monk: Me. Me.
Natalie: You want me to reach in here and take out 3 pennies?
Adrian Monk: Would you mind?
Natalie: Yes, I would.
Natalie: Look, look, she's moving again. We gotta go. Mr. Monk, if we walk now, we won't even think about the fountain.
Adrian Monk: I'll think about it. It would haunt me.
Natalie: The three extra pennies. It would haunt you?
Adrian Monk: It will haunt me.

Adrian Monk: [to a kid on the jungle gym] Careful. Both your hands. That's too high. These things are death traps. It's not just my opinion. It's a fact. In Belgium, 1952, a kid almost died on one of those.

Adrian Monk: Look at all this junk. They should get rid of it. And put it somewhere.
Natalie: Well, they did it, Mr. Monk. They put it here. It's a junkyard.
Adrian Monk: You can say that again.

Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't want any more advice. I wanna know where Karen is going this afternoon.
Adrian Monk: What if she sees us? She's gonna know that you asked us to follow her. Wouldn't that be worse?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Worse than not knowing? Isn't it killing you not knowing what happened to Trudy? How many times have I asked you for a favor?
Adrian Monk: 103. Counting this, 104.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How many times have I said please?

Gerald: It's not me. I'm worried about Devo.
Natalie: Who's Devo?
Adrian Monk: [Gerald opens his box] Mouse! Mouse! Ah!
Gerald: I fell on the box and Devo fell on me. If the doctors find him, I don't know what they're gonna do. Hospitals hate rodents. They're like fanatics about it.
Lieutenant Disher: We'll take care of Devo for you, I promise.
Natalie: He's actually kinda cute.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, don't touch him. Later on, if we have time, I'll tell you a little story about the Black Plague.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk. Natalie. Thanks for getting here so fast.
Adrian Monk: This is not an appliance store.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I know.
Adrian Monk: You said it was an appliance store.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry, I lied. But if I'd told you it was a junkyard, it would've taken me 5 hours to get you down here.
Adrian Monk: This is a junkyard.
Natalie: Well, wait, so you lied to us?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm sorry. This is a big case. It just went down. About 20 minutes ago. We've got a fresh crime scene for once. I wanted him here right away.
Natalie: I can't believe you lied to us.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, I said I'm sorry. I think twice. How many times do I need to apologize?
Adrian Monk: 6.
Natalie: 6.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sorry, sorry, sorry. Can we do this?

Adrian Monk: Uh oh.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's up?
Adrian Monk: That car. One headlight's not broken. It's the only one that's not broken. [the Captain takes out his gun and shoots the headlight] Thank you.

Natalie: Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: Don't touch the body. CSI isn't here yet.
Natalie: Okay, I won't touch the body.

Captain Stottlemeyer: [on the phone] Because I'm your husband and that makes it my business. No, Karen, you don't want to talk about it? You gotta talk about it. Karen, no, I'm not yelling. I'm trying to- Karen.
Sergeant Sharkey: That's not cool, man. You should treat her better.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What did you say?
Sergeant Sharkey: Oh, I just- I don't really think you appreciate her. She's a... She's a hell of a woman.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Do I know you?
Sergeant Sharkey: No. No, you don't know me. The question is, do you know your wife?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's your name?
Sergeant Sharkey: Sharkey, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, Sgt. Sharkey. You're obviously trying to tell me something. Are you trying to tell me that you know my wife?
Sergeant Sharkey: Maybe I do.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You'd better wipe that smile off your face.
Sergeant Sharkey: Well, I don't know if I can do that. Karen put it there.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Hold on. Hey, you guys, you can't fight here. This is a crime scene.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You wanna take it down the street? Let's go.
Sergeant Sharkey: Oh, sure, yeah. That's how you solve everything, isn't it? Do you ever wonder what Karen's doing on Tuesday nights? You know, when you're at the staff meeting.
Lieutenant Disher: Whoa, Sergeant, shut up. That's an order.
Sergeant Sharkey: Take it from me, pal. She ain't missing you.
Lieutenant Disher: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. I'm okay. It's okay. Okay, I'm okay.
Lieutenant Disher: Just walk away from this.
[The Captain punches Sharkey in the face]

Karen Stottlemeyer: Leland, what are you doing here? Did something happen?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Now, that's a good question. What did you do? Did you turn the heat up? It's like a sauna in here.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Well, it's supposed to be 99 degrees exactly. It's called the Gittomer method. It's very therapeutic.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I can't breathe.
Karen Stottlemeyer: What happened to your hand?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I punched a cop.
Karen Stottlemeyer: You punched a cop?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. A sergeant. Ryan Sharkey.
Karen Stottlemeyer: Why?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You don't know? He said you and he were having an affair.
Karen Stottlemeyer: And you believed him? Leland, he is lying.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why would he lie, Karen? Why would anybody lie about something like that?
Karen Stottlemeyer: Well, I don't know. Maybe it was a joke. You know, cop humor. I slept with your old lady, ha ha ha.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So you're denying it.
Karen Stottlemeyer: No, I'm not denying it. It's so crazy I won't even respond to it. I can't believe we're even talking about this.