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‘Mr. Monk Joins a Cult’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Joins a Cult

611. Mr. Monk Joins a Cult

Aired January 11, 2008

Mr. Monk goes undercover in a cult when its charismatic leader, Ralph Roberts (guest star Howie Mandel), is accused of murdering a former disciple.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Ralph Roberts: What are you afraid of, Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Fire.
Ralph Roberts: You're afraid of fire? Well, I have some good news for you.
Adrian Monk: And heights.
Ralph Roberts: And heights.
Ralph Roberts: Okay, then today is your lucky day.
Adrian Monk: Germs, needles, milk, crowds, spiders, sand...
Ralph Roberts: That is quite a list. You have been living in darkness.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, darkness, yes. Elevators, earthquakes, mushrooms, tigers, boats.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Ralph Roberts: What about charcoal?
Adrian Monk: Charcoal, yes. [Roberts wipes charcoal on Monk's hand] No.
Ralph Roberts: You have dirt on your hand, brother.
Adrian Monk: Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. [pulls out wipes]
Ralph Roberts: No. No. [takes wipes] Don't wipe that off. Listen to me. These wipes you carry are a crutch. You're with me now. You don't need the wipes. Drop the wipe. Drop.
Adrian Monk: Drop the wipe?
Ralph Roberts: It's okay. Just give up. Just surrender.
Adrian Monk: Surrender?
Ralph Roberts: Let it go. That wipe is like a chain, Adrian. It's dragging you down. Set yourself free. Let yourself live. You can do it. Drop the wipe.
Adrian Monk: I'm free. I'm free.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Susan Donovan: Could I have that back, please?
Adrian Monk: I'm afraid not. This picture is material evidence in a homicide. In fact, I think this is the key to the whole case. This is the motive. This is why you killed her. Here's what I think happened. Amanda Clark was a sex prostitute.
Susan Donovan: A what?
Adrian Monk: A sex prostitute.
Susan Donovan: As opposed to what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, just keep going.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Well, the parents said she was scared to death. She was sure he was gonna try to find her.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, that checks out, cause she changed her name, she moved to North Beach, rented a basement apartment, and started working off the books.
Adrian Monk: Doing what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: She became a member of the world's oldest profession.
Adrian Monk: Stone mason, huh?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, prostitute.

Quote from Natalie

Brother Ted: It's tough, isn't it? Without loved ones nearby, you must feel so disconnected.
Adrian Monk: It's really funny. We were just talking about that. About how she feels disconnected, remember?
Natalie: Exactly.
Brother Ted: Would you like to fill out a questionnaire? We could do it here, or you could come with us. We have our own ranch up the coast. I think you'd really enjoy it.
Natalie: Oh, my gosh. Your own ranch? I've never been to a real ranch.
Sister Sally: [notices badge on Natalie's purse] "World's Greatest mom." You said you didn't have any family.
Natalie: Well, except for my daughter, but, we never talk anymore. It's- I- I haven't seen her. It- It's sad. [Natalie's cell phone rings] Excuse me. [answers phone] Hello. Yeah, now's not a good time. Well, how long has Sarah had a license? No, absolutely not. I will talk to you later. Thank you. [hangs up] Sorry, business call.
Brother Ted: Thank you very much. Have a beautiful day.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: That couple over there. They've been on the news all week, their daughter was murdered. Mr. Monk, they're staring at you. I bet they want to hire you. They want you to solve the case.
Adrian Monk: No, thank you.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you can't say no. This was their daughter.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, you know how busy I am. I'm doing my taxes, I'm rotating the couch cushions... I'm just going to tell them I can't do it. They're probably gonna start crying, right?
Natalie: Probably.
Adrian Monk: Uh, they'll probably show me pictures of their daughter. Pictures of her when she was a kid, pulling a little red wagon. There'll probably be a dog in the wagon. There's always a dog. Then they're going to start begging, offering me all the money they have, and they're going to go on and on, and on. And, "The police can't do anything. You're the only one who could help us." The crying and the weeping and the pleading. [The couple approach Monk] Okay, fine. Fine. You win! I'll take the case.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Brother Ted: Father hasn't left the ranch in three weeks.
Lieutenant Disher: How do you know that?
Brother Ted: He never leaves for harvest season.
Lieutenant Disher: Really, never? What if he gets sick, and he has to go to the hospital?
Brother Ted: Father doesn't get sick. He's never even had a headache. He's going to live forever. He is the eternal one. The nurturing light.
Lieutenant Disher: The nurturing light. What if he got hit by a bus? I bet would put his nurturing light out pretty quick, wouldn't it?
Brother Ted: There are no buses on the ranch.
Lieutenant Disher: What if a bus careens off the highway? You know, smashes through the fence, rolls onto the farm, runs him over?
Brother Ted: he highway is seven miles away.
Lieutenant Disher: What if it careens seven miles?
Brother Ted: It can't careen seven miles.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, I've seen vehicles careen a pretty long way.
Brother Ted: Not seven miles.
Lieutenant Disher: It's possible. I once saw a truck lose his breaks on Route 15, near Avalon Mountain. It started careening at full speed. [Ted resumes his meditation] Hey! Hey, you listening to me, Ted? Philipsburg. Careening in Philipsburg. Do you know where Philipsburg is, Ted?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: Did you talk to him about the case?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I tried. I took him aside, I said, "Did you learn anything?"
Lieutenant Disher: What did he say?
Captain Stottlemeyer: He said, "Leland, I've learned everything."
Natalie: That's not good.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And he kept smiling.
Natalie: That's not good. [Stottlemeyer hands her the flower] They all have ten petals.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Ten petals.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: [sings] Father please mend me. Father please correct me.
Dr. Kroger: Randy? Randy?
Lieutenant Disher: Father please correct me.
Dr. Kroger: Randy! Thank you, Randy. We'll meet you back in the living room. Thank you, really. Nice, nice job. Good work. Thank you, Randy. Thanks for coming.
Lieutenant Disher: I should go to the bank.
Dr. Kroger: Someone wanna keep an eye on Randy?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Are you ready?
Natalie: What's the big surprise?
Adrian Monk: I'm finally going to do it. I'm gonna take the plunge.
Natalie: Oh my God! You're going to buy a cell phone?
Adrian Monk: No, beeper.
Natalie: A beeper?
Adrian Monk: It's all you need.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, nobody uses beeper anymore. They're ancient history.
Adrian Monk: Dr. Kruger has one.
Natalie: Well, except for doctors. Doctors use them because they work anywhere, they are more reliable.
Adrian Monk: Reliable is good. That's what we want. So when you are out with Julie, or you are on a date, I can beep you.
Natalie: Hold on, hold on! The beeper's for me?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, it's only $29 a month, you can afford it.
Natalie: And you want me to pay for it? That's your big surprise.
Adrian Monk: Are you- Are you surprised?
Natalie: You know what's kinda sad? I'm not.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: I'll do it. I'll go undercover.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Forget it, Monk. It's a cult. You wouldn't last 20 minutes. This guy Roberts is a Svengali. He brainwashes people.
Adrian Monk: I think I can handle myself.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Don't take this personally, Monk, but you're about the most gullible person I know.
Adrian Monk: Gullible? Gulli-? Come on.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, it's not just my opinion. I was talking to Joey Heatherton, and she agrees with me.
Adrian Monk: Joey Heatherton, the singer?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, uh-huh.
Adrian Monk: Joey- Joey Heatherton, can you believe it? Joey Heatherton.
Natalie: Okay, I'll do it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Well, there they are. My new family. I might not see you for a while, are you gonna be okay?
Adrian Monk: You're going undercover, and you're worried about me?
Natalie: Yes, I am.
Adrian Monk: You have a point. I'm gonna need food.
Natalie: No, already stocked up. There's plenty of food.
Adrian Monk: Beverages. I need beverages.
Natalie: There's 50 bottles of water under the sink. I asked the captain to check on you every day.
Adrian Monk: Okay, then. I think we're ready.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Ralph Roberts: Hello? May I help you?
Adrian Monk: Uh, sorry. No, I- I was just. I was looking for... I just wanted to be alone.
Ralph Roberts: But you are not alone. Not anymore. We are here to share your burden, Adrian. That is your name, isn't it?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Ralph Roberts: Have you had a chance to look around?
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh.
Ralph Roberts: And how do you feel being here? Feels right, doesn't it? It feels like home, doesn't it? Something's missing. Something in you. Something that was in you. A light that's been extinguished. What was her name?
Adrian Monk: Trudy. Her name was Trudy.
Ralph Roberts: I can see that you feel lost without her. You came here with questions. I might be able to answer some of those questions. I want you to have it. Read it. The more you read it, the more you know. The more you know The less you don't know.
Adrian Monk: The more you know, the...
Ralph Roberts: The less you don't know.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Ralph Roberts: Adrian, is there something you wanna tell me?
Adrian Monk: Sister Gina has a radio.
Ralph Roberts: No, about yourself. [Monk is silent] I am not an idiot. I read the papers. I know the name Adrian Monk. The police sent you, didn't they? I'm sorry about what happened to Amanda Clark. I was angry when she left. And hurt, I don't deny that. I might have said some intemperate things, but I did not kill that girl. I did not have her killed. Go back to your Captain Stottlemeyer, and you tell him he's making a mistake. You tell him to look some place else.
Adrian Monk: I can't- I can't- I- I can't leave. I can't leave. Father, please. It's true. When I came here, I was working on the case. But that isn't me. Not anymore. I can see that now. I belong here with all of you. I love it here. I love... not thinking. Cause I'm so tired of thinking. Please. Just, please.
Ralph Roberts: Okay. You can stay. It's okay. You don't have to think.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. I'm so thankful.
Ralph Roberts: I'm gonna make you prove that.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Hey, Monk, how's it going'?
Adrian Monk: Hello, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Listen, I just have a couple of things to say about this so-called father of yours. I think the guy's a joke. I mean, have you read this?
Adrian Monk: Have you?
Lieutenant Disher: [sings] [o.s.] Father please correct me.
[meanwhile:]
Natalie: God, he's singing again.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's not Monk.

Quote from Dr. Kroger

Adrian Monk: I'm not afraid of you.
Dr. Kroger: Good. No reason to be. Can I sit down? The Siblings of the Sun. You know, I had some dealings with them. About three years ago, they tried to recruit Harold Krenshaw, but Harold was too smart for them.
Adrian Monk: Nice try, doc. I know all your tricks. Psychiatry was invented by the devil.
Dr. Kroger: Really? Huh, see, I- I didn't know that.
Adrian Monk: That is not just my opinion. That's a fact.
Dr. Kroger: A fact? Like- Like all the facts in this book. Like, oh, "Money begets envy. Envy is the root of all evil." You believe that?
Adrian Monk: If it's in the book.
Dr. Kroger: Cause the father doesn't believe it. He's worth 20 million bucks.
Adrian Monk: He lives in a cabin.
Dr. Kroger: He has seven other houses. Adrian, they did an, expose on him last year. See, now, this here is a little shack in the Cayman Islands. He owns parking lots, karate schools, a cable news channel. Looks like your messiah's been a pretty busy guy. He's using you, Adrian. That's what he does. That's all he does.
Adrian Monk: I love him. He's taught me what love really means.
Dr. Kroger: That's funny. That's what you used to say about Trudy. I wonder what she would say if she were here.
Adrian Monk: She's not here. Father's here.
Dr. Kroger: Well, then I guess we can just throw this out, right? [scrunches up photo of Trudy]
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. [straightens out picture] Trudy.
Dr. Kroger: Welcome back. [beeper rings]
Adrian Monk: Your beeper.
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, sorry. Doctors have to carry them. [Monk stands up] You're all right?
Adrian Monk: I think I just solved the case.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Donovan, thank you for coming. This is Natalie Teeger, and Adrian Monk. Mr. Monk has been hired by the Clark family to look into the case, if you wouldn't mind.
Tom Donovan: Okay, I feel like a broken record. It was about 1:00 a.m. I was coming back home from Sacramento.
Lieutenant Disher: Tom and his wife own a restaurant supply company in Rockaway. He travels a lot.
Tom Donovan: That's right. I pulled in here to use facilities.
Lieutenant Disher: It was a long drive. He was drinking lots of coffee, and the facilities-
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy. Mr. Donovan came all this way. He's doing us a favor. I think we ought to let him tell the story.
Lieutenant Disher: I was just filling in the gaps. Go on.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Tom Donovan: I got a good look a them in my headlights. There were five or six of them. One was clearly the leader.
Lieutenant Disher: They call him "the Father." Go on.
Tom Donovan: They were holding her down on that- That picnic table over there. They were stabbing her. She was screaming.
Lieutenant Disher: They carved a symbol of the sun into her chest. I mean, it was like their logo.
Tom Donovan: When they saw me, they ran to their van and drove away. Big silver van.
Lieutenant Disher: Which is what they always drive. Go on.
Tom Donovan: She was still breathing. I put her in my car. Drove her to the hospital. At least I tried to. She died before we got there.
Adrian Monk: Did she say anything before she died?
Lieutenant Disher: Unfortunately, no.
Tom Donovan: Yes.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes.
Tom Donovan: She whispered something. She said, "He found me. Father found me."

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: What do we know about this "father"?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, his real name is Ralph Roberts, he used to sell used cars. Can you believe it? Before he went into the son of God business. Nice work if you can get it.
Natalie: God, just the name creeps me out. Siblings of the Sun.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Natalie: Well, we've been talking to Amanda Clark's parents, and their daughter left the cult about a year ago.
Captain Stottlemeyer: "Escaped" is more like it. Apparently father got pissed off. He doesn't like it when people start thinking for themselves.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Wow, you have your own farm.
Brother Ted: Oh, yes. We're completely self-sufficient.
Adrian Monk: Are- Are these beets?
Brother Ted: I'm not sure. I think they are.
Adrian Monk: Beets.
Natalie: You don't- You don't like beets.
Adrian Monk: I love beets.
Natalie: Since when?
Adrian Monk: Since this morning. I had them for breakfast. You weren't there. She wasn't there. I was just feeling sad and disconnected. Just me. Me and my beets.

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