Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, first item of business is the pickaxe killer.
Lieutenant Disher: Gold Rush Killer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, it's not the Gold Rush Killer, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: But they use pickaxes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, forget about the Gold Rush Killer, okay?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We're moving on.

Adrian Monk: Mrs. DiMarco. Mrs. DiMarco, I'm so sorry for your loss. My name is Adrian Monk. I'm a former detective. Actually, I'm a former former detective.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, you haven't even eaten your breakfast.
Adrian Monk: I'm too excited to eat.
Natalie: You don't want to be hungry. It's your first day of work.
Adrian Monk: What time is it? Roll call's at 8:30. Natalie, can you believe it? I am going to roll call. It's like I'm dreaming. Maybe I am dreaming. [pinches Natalie]
Natalie: Ow! What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm pinching you to see if I'm dreaming.
Natalie: No, you're supposed to pinch yourself. [pinches Monk]
Adrian Monk: Aah! Well, I figured you're in the dream with me. I don't know.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you're not dreaming. It's really happening.
Adrian Monk: It's really happening.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, Friday night, the review board and the commissioner met in a private session to talk about you.
Adrian Monk: About me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I was there, so was Dr. Bell. And they came to a decision. They don't want to use you as a private consultant anymore.
Adrian Monk: I knew it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wait, no, no, let me finish.
Adrian Monk: You're firing me!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nobody said that.
Natalie: I don't believe it. Is this because he mopped up the blood stain In that jewelry store?
Captain Stottlemeyer: This isn't about that!
Natalie: So he made one mistake in eight years, after 120 cases. He can't make one mistake?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let me start over.
Adrian Monk: Hey, it's been great! See you.
Natalie: Shame on you! Shame on both of you!
Lieutenant Disher: Well, that could've gone better.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk! Hey, Monk! Monk! Monk, you didn't let me finish.
Natalie: You didn't let him finish.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We won't be using you as a consultant because of this. [Disher holds a box]
Natalie: What is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's long overdue. That's what it is.
Adrian Monk: [opens a box with a badge] Is this real? [holds badge] This is real.
Natalie: I think it's real, Mr. Monk.
Lieutenant Disher: It was the captain. He really went to bat for-
Captain Stottlemeyer: I didn't do anything. It was all you. Welcome back, Detective.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Captain.

Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: Edith Capriani? I'm Sgt. Doyle.
Adrian Monk: And I'm detective first class Adrian Monk.
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: We received a call that there was a reported homicide.
Edith Capriani: Yeah, he tried to kill me.
Adrian Monk: Who tried to kill you, ma'am?
Edith Capriani: Mr. Barton. He lives with me. He tried to suffocate me.
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: Monk, she's seen the badge. When did this happen?
Edith Capriani: This morning in bed. I woke up, and he was covering my mouth!
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: And is Mr. Barton still inside?
Edith Capriani: Yeah. He's going crazy in there. He acts as though he owns the place, but it's my name on the lease. It's my apartment! He's a deadbeat. Good for nothin'!
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: Now you go in. I'll cover the back.
Adrian Monk: Stay here.
Edith Capriani: Don't shoot! Oh, don't shoot him! Don't shoot him. Oh, Mr. Barton, I can't stay mad at you.
Adrian Monk: It's a cat?
Edith Capriani: Shh. [whispers] He thinks he's people.

Adrian Monk: Hello, again. I'm detective first class-
Edith Capriani: I know who you are. What took you so long? I've been waiting for three hours. He's inside my apartment.
Adrian Monk: Okay, uh, is this about your little friend Mr. Barton?
Edith Capriani: No, this is different.
Adrian Monk: All right, ma'am, look. The 911 line is for emergencies only. Real emergencies.
Edith Capriani: This is an emergency! It's Mr. Lawrence. He lives upstairs. He's gone crazy.
Adrian Monk: It's Mr. Lawrence.
Edith Capriani: He came downstairs for a visit. He wanted some milk. He loves milk.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm sure he does.
Edith Capriani: Then all of a sudden, he starts running around, knocking things over, screeching, screaming. He tried to scratch my eyes out!
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh. Let me guess. He's Persian?
Edith Capriani: No. He's from Burma.
Adrian Monk: Of course he is. [a table is thrown through the window] What the hell have you been feeding him?
Lawrence: [shouting in foreign language]

Dr. Bell: I have to say I've been Looking forward to this all week. I've been thinking about you. So how does it feel?
Adrian Monk: Good. I feel great.
Dr. Bell: Yeah, well, it's not a gift, you know, you earned it.
Adrian Monk: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Bell: So, are you happy?
Adrian Monk: [laughs] I'm very happy. What- Why wouldn't I be? This is what I've wanted for years, you know? All right, why- Why- Why- Why- Why do you ask that? I mean, you don't think I'm happy?
Dr. Bell: Oh, I didn't say that. No, no. I wasn't implying. No.
Adrian Monk: All right, I'm not happy. Are you happy? Nobody wants to work with me. I can't choose my own cases. The crazy cat lady keeps calling, although it's not always a cat. It's my dream job. And it's making me miserable.

Dr. Bell: I was afraid of this. You know, it's not an uncommon reaction. People achieve a goal, something they've always wanted. It's not always what they- What they expect. We call it "aspirational regret."
ee, when I was a kid, I wanted to go to a baseball camp. That was my dream. Baseball camp.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, could I stop you right there?
Dr. Bell: Sure. [Monk is silent] You have something to say?
Adrian Monk: No.
Dr. Bell: When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. Oscar Wilde said that.
Adrian Monk: I can't believe I was happy before. Why didn't you tell me I was happy?
Dr. Bell: Adrian, you can always quit.
Adrian Monk: I can't quit.
Dr. Bell: Everybody will understand. You've changed, the department has changed, you've been your own boss for 12 years. It's hard to go back.
Adrian Monk: I can't quit.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Sign here and here.
Lieutenant Disher: Is this blood?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sorry it didn't work out.
Adrian Monk: I'm not. At least now I know I'm not the man I was.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who is?
Lieutenant Disher: So what are you gonna do?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I haven't decided. I'll either go home and brood or go home and sulk. I'm leaning toward brooding.