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‘Mr. Monk and the Badge’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Badge

814. Mr. Monk and the Badge

Aired November 20, 2009

After Monk finally gets his badge back, he struggles to make friends with his fellow officers when he alleges that a murdered cop was corrupt.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, first item of business is the pickaxe killer.
Lieutenant Disher: Gold Rush Killer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, it's not the Gold Rush Killer, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: But they use pickaxes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, forget about the Gold Rush Killer, okay?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We're moving on.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Mrs. DiMarco. Mrs. DiMarco, I'm so sorry for your loss. My name is Adrian Monk. I'm a former detective. Actually, I'm a former former detective.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, you haven't even eaten your breakfast.
Adrian Monk: I'm too excited to eat.
Natalie: You don't want to be hungry. It's your first day of work.
Adrian Monk: What time is it? Roll call's at 8:30. Natalie, can you believe it? I am going to roll call. It's like I'm dreaming. Maybe I am dreaming. [pinches Natalie]
Natalie: Ow! What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm pinching you to see if I'm dreaming.
Natalie: No, you're supposed to pinch yourself. [pinches Monk]
Adrian Monk: Aah! Well, I figured you're in the dream with me. I don't know.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you're not dreaming. It's really happening.
Adrian Monk: It's really happening.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, Friday night, the review board and the commissioner met in a private session to talk about you.
Adrian Monk: About me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I was there, so was Dr. Bell. And they came to a decision. They don't want to use you as a private consultant anymore.
Adrian Monk: I knew it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wait, no, no, let me finish.
Adrian Monk: You're firing me!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nobody said that.
Natalie: I don't believe it. Is this because he mopped up the blood stain In that jewelry store?
Captain Stottlemeyer: This isn't about that!
Natalie: So he made one mistake in eight years, after 120 cases. He can't make one mistake?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let me start over.
Adrian Monk: Hey, it's been great! See you.
Natalie: Shame on you! Shame on both of you!
Lieutenant Disher: Well, that could've gone better.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk! Hey, Monk! Monk! Monk, you didn't let me finish.
Natalie: You didn't let him finish.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We won't be using you as a consultant because of this. [Disher holds a box]
Natalie: What is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's long overdue. That's what it is.
Adrian Monk: [opens a box with a badge] Is this real? [holds badge] This is real.
Natalie: I think it's real, Mr. Monk.
Lieutenant Disher: It was the captain. He really went to bat for-
Captain Stottlemeyer: I didn't do anything. It was all you. Welcome back, Detective.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Captain.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: Edith Capriani? I'm Sgt. Doyle.
Adrian Monk: And I'm detective first class Adrian Monk.
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: We received a call that there was a reported homicide.
Edith Capriani: Yeah, he tried to kill me.
Adrian Monk: Who tried to kill you, ma'am?
Edith Capriani: Mr. Barton. He lives with me. He tried to suffocate me.
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: Monk, she's seen the badge. When did this happen?
Edith Capriani: This morning in bed. I woke up, and he was covering my mouth!
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: And is Mr. Barton still inside?
Edith Capriani: Yeah. He's going crazy in there. He acts as though he owns the place, but it's my name on the lease. It's my apartment! He's a deadbeat. Good for nothin'!
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: Now you go in. I'll cover the back.
Adrian Monk: Stay here.
Edith Capriani: Don't shoot! Oh, don't shoot him! Don't shoot him. Oh, Mr. Barton, I can't stay mad at you.
Adrian Monk: It's a cat?
Edith Capriani: Shh. [whispers] He thinks he's people.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hello, again. I'm detective first class-
Edith Capriani: I know who you are. What took you so long? I've been waiting for three hours. He's inside my apartment.
Adrian Monk: Okay, uh, is this about your little friend Mr. Barton?
Edith Capriani: No, this is different.
Adrian Monk: All right, ma'am, look. The 911 line is for emergencies only. Real emergencies.
Edith Capriani: This is an emergency! It's Mr. Lawrence. He lives upstairs. He's gone crazy.
Adrian Monk: It's Mr. Lawrence.
Edith Capriani: He came downstairs for a visit. He wanted some milk. He loves milk.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm sure he does.
Edith Capriani: Then all of a sudden, he starts running around, knocking things over, screeching, screaming. He tried to scratch my eyes out!
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh. Let me guess. He's Persian?
Edith Capriani: No. He's from Burma.
Adrian Monk: Of course he is. [a table is thrown through the window] What the hell have you been feeding him?
Lawrence: [shouting in foreign language]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Bell: I have to say I've been Looking forward to this all week. I've been thinking about you. So how does it feel?
Adrian Monk: Good. I feel great.
Dr. Bell: Yeah, well, it's not a gift, you know, you earned it.
Adrian Monk: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Bell: So, are you happy?
Adrian Monk: [laughs] I'm very happy. What- Why wouldn't I be? This is what I've wanted for years, you know? All right, why- Why- Why- Why- Why do you ask that? I mean, you don't think I'm happy?
Dr. Bell: Oh, I didn't say that. No, no. I wasn't implying. No.
Adrian Monk: All right, I'm not happy. Are you happy? Nobody wants to work with me. I can't choose my own cases. The crazy cat lady keeps calling, although it's not always a cat. It's my dream job. And it's making me miserable.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Bell: I was afraid of this. You know, it's not an uncommon reaction. People achieve a goal, something they've always wanted. It's not always what they- What they expect. We call it "aspirational regret."
ee, when I was a kid, I wanted to go to a baseball camp. That was my dream. Baseball camp.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, could I stop you right there?
Dr. Bell: Sure. [Monk is silent] You have something to say?
Adrian Monk: No.
Dr. Bell: When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. Oscar Wilde said that.
Adrian Monk: I can't believe I was happy before. Why didn't you tell me I was happy?
Dr. Bell: Adrian, you can always quit.
Adrian Monk: I can't quit.
Dr. Bell: Everybody will understand. You've changed, the department has changed, you've been your own boss for 12 years. It's hard to go back.
Adrian Monk: I can't quit.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Sign here and here.
Lieutenant Disher: Is this blood?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sorry it didn't work out.
Adrian Monk: I'm not. At least now I know I'm not the man I was.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who is?
Lieutenant Disher: So what are you gonna do?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I haven't decided. I'll either go home and brood or go home and sulk. I'm leaning toward brooding.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: Well, when you leave, use the west entrance.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Surprise.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Lieutenant Disher: It's a surprise.
Adrian Monk: Well, what is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, if we told you, It wouldn't be a surprise now, would it?
Adrian Monk: No, I guess it wouldn't. What is it?
Lieutenant Disher: [to Stottlemeyer] What is it?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Natalie.
Natalie: I heard you might be looking for an assistant.
Adrian Monk: What about your job with the big promoter?
Natalie: Oh, Jim Paxton can make his own dinner reservations. He doesn't need me. I'm needed here.
Adrian Monk: I pay $900 a week.
Natalie: I am not taking a pay cut, Mr. Monk!
Adrian Monk: Then you shouldn't have quit.
Natalie: I didn't quit, you let me go! Oh, God, you make me mad! [scoffs] What are you looking for?
Adrian Monk: The captain said there'd be a surprise.
Natalie: I'm the surprise! I talked to the captain this morning.
Adrian Monk: Oh, good.
Natalie: What- What, you're disappointed?
Adrian Monk: No, I said, "Oh, good."
Natalie: Well, you sound disappointed. What were you expecting?
Adrian Monk: I thought it might be Joey Heatherton.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: Okay, he's here. He's right out front.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay. I'm ready.
Lieutenant Disher: What are you gonna say?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know. I'll just tell him.
Lieutenant Disher: How do you think he's gonna take it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know. It's Monk. It'll probably get weird.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah. I'm glad Natalie's with him.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I'm going.
Natalie: Oh, oh, oh, wait. Don't forget your lunch.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah! Oh, my God. Thank you.
Natalie: Wait, wait, your gun.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah! Yeah, that might come in handy. You polished the bullets.
Natalie: Yeah, you don't want to shoot anybody with a dirty bullet.
Adrian Monk: [laughs] Yeah, they might get an infection. [Natalie laughs] God, we're funny together.
Natalie: We are.
Adrian Monk: I know.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Oh, look at you. Detective first class Adrian Monk, homicide division. I am proud of you.
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna miss you.
Natalie: No, no, no, don't talk like that. This isn't good-bye. No. No, no, no. We're friends, we'll- We'll talk all the time.
Adrian Monk: Right. About what?
Natalie: About how we feel, and what we're doing, and what we did that day.
Adrian Monk: Okay. I can do that.
Natalie: Okay.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: What are you gonna do?
Natalie: Oh, I'll be fine. I have a job interview with Jim Paxton.
Adrian Monk: Paxton?
Natalie: The concert promoter.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Natalie: He's looking for a new assistant.
Adrian Monk: He couldn't do better.
Natalie: Well...
Adrian Monk: Well?
Natalie: I guess this is it. [laughs] [hugs Monk] Be happy, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Okay. I will.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, let's settle in. Uh, morning, everyone. I have an announcement to make. This is something I've been waiting to say for 12 years. Adrian Monk is back. [applause] Back where he belongs.
Adrian Monk: 70 years ago, Thomas Wolfe wrote, "You can't go home again--"
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, you don't have to say anything.
Adrian Monk: Thank God.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, now, I don't need to tell you folks how important this case is; however, we have caught a break. We've got a witness. A woman who lived down the hall from victim number five has given us his description.
Lieutenant Disher: Take one, pass it back. [hands the stack of paper to Monk]
Captain Stottlemeyer: We've got a rough sketch, here. As you can see, we're looking for a Caucasian male. He's short. No more than 5'4", 5'6" tall.
[Monk starts straightening up the stack of papers]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Um, he's, um... [paper tapping] He's, uh, in... [paper tapping] He's in his, uh, late 30s, early 40s. We believe that he is driving a, um... [paper tapping] And, uh, we... We believe that he is driving a station wagon. Monk. Monk, just take one and pass them on. They're perfect.
Adrian Monk: Just give me a second, here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Um, folks, witness perfection. [laughs] Okay. Good job. Just pass- Just pass 'em on. Monk, just give me one.
Adrian Monk: Take- Yeah, take that one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you. Okay, Thompson, Harris, I want you to take this sketch. Work the pickaxe angle. Circulate that around every hardware store within 20 miles. People, we've got five victims on the wall.
Adrian Monk: [holding another sheet out] Leland. Leland.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Which is five victims too many. Yes. Um, where was I?
Lieutenant Disher: Five victims.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right. Five victims. By now it's probably six.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: We found it in the basement. I had 'em bring it upstairs for you.
Adrian Monk: My old desk. Oh! [notices a nail in the wall]
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know, it's like it's been waiting for you.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. [hangs a picture of Trudy] Ahh.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How do you feel?
Adrian Monk: I feel like I'm home.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You are home.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: So I, uh, I thought I could start by reading the profiles of the five victims. And then I could visit the first crime scene.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Listen, Monk, you're not on the task force. Here's the deal. I promised the review board that I would ease you into it.
Adrian Monk: Wh- Wh- Ease me into?
Captain Stottlemeyer: They want you on desk duty for a while, just to get re-acclimated.
Adrian Monk: For how long?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Just a couple days. Maybe a week.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Then we're gonna move you over to Danny Weaver's squad. He's a great guy.
Adrian Monk: So I won't be working with you?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Randy and I can't hold your hand anymore. That's protocol.
Adrian Monk: Sure.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's what you wanted, right?
Adrian Monk: Absolutely.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You'll be fine. I figured we'd put you on the hotline. Maybe you'll get a lead.

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