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‘Mr. Monk and the Badge’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Badge

814. Mr. Monk and the Badge

Aired November 20, 2009

After Monk finally gets his badge back, he struggles to make friends with his fellow officers when he alleges that a murdered cop was corrupt.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, first item of business is the pickaxe killer.
Lieutenant Disher: Gold Rush Killer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, it's not the Gold Rush Killer, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: But they use pickaxes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, forget about the Gold Rush Killer, okay?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We're moving on.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Mrs. DiMarco. Mrs. DiMarco, I'm so sorry for your loss. My name is Adrian Monk. I'm a former detective. Actually, I'm a former former detective.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, you haven't even eaten your breakfast.
Adrian Monk: I'm too excited to eat.
Natalie: You don't want to be hungry. It's your first day of work.
Adrian Monk: What time is it? Roll call's at 8:30. Natalie, can you believe it? I am going to roll call. It's like I'm dreaming. Maybe I am dreaming. [pinches Natalie]
Natalie: Ow! What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm pinching you to see if I'm dreaming.
Natalie: No, you're supposed to pinch yourself. [pinches Monk]
Adrian Monk: Aah! Well, I figured you're in the dream with me.
I don't know.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you're not dreaming. It's really happening.
Adrian Monk: It's really happening.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, Friday night, the review board and the commissioner met in a private session to talk about you.
Adrian Monk: About me?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I was there, so was Dr. Bell. And they came to a decision. They don't want to use you as a private consultant anymore.
Adrian Monk: I knew it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Wait, no, no, let me finish.
Adrian Monk: You're firing me!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nobody said that.
Natalie: I don't believe it. Is this because he mopped up the blood stain In that jewelry store?
Captain Stottlemeyer: This isn't about that!
Natalie: So he made one mistake in eight years, after 120 cases. He can't make one mistake?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let me start over.
Adrian Monk: Hey, it's been great! See you.
Natalie: Shame on you! Shame on both of you!
Lieutenant Disher: Well, that could've gone better.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk! Hey, Monk! Monk! Monk, you didn't let me finish.
Natalie: You didn't let him finish.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We won't be using you as a consultant because of this. [Disher holds a box]
Natalie: What is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's long overdue. That's what it is.
Adrian Monk: [opens a box with a badge] Is this real? [holds badge] This is real.
Natalie: I think it's real, Mr. Monk.
Lieutenant Disher: It was the captain. He really went to bat for-
Captain Stottlemeyer: I didn't do anything. It was all you. Welcome back, Detective.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Captain.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: Edith Capriani? I'm Sgt. Doyle.
Adrian Monk: And I'm detective first class Adrian Monk.
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: We received a call that there was a reported homicide.
Edith Capriani: Yeah, he tried to kill me.
Adrian Monk: Who tried to kill you, ma'am?
Edith Capriani: Mr. Barton. He lives with me. He tried to suffocate me.
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: Monk, she's seen the badge. When did this happen?
Edith Capriani: This morning in bed. I woke up, and he was covering my mouth!
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: And is Mr. Barton still inside?
Edith Capriani: Yeah. He's going crazy in there. He acts as though he owns the place, but it's my name on the lease. It's my apartment! He's a deadbeat. Good for nothin'!
Det. Sgt. Louis Doyle: Now you go in. I'll cover the back.
Adrian Monk: Stay here.
Edith Capriani: Don't shoot! Oh, don't shoot him! Don't shoot him. Oh, Mr. Barton, I can't stay mad at you.
Adrian Monk: It's a cat?
Edith Capriani: Shh. [whispers] He thinks he's people.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hello, again. I'm detective first class-
Edith Capriani: I know who you are. What took you so long? I've been waiting for three hours. He's inside my apartment.
Adrian Monk: Okay, uh, is this about your little friend Mr. Barton?
Edith Capriani: No, this is different.
Adrian Monk: All right, ma'am, look. The 911 line is for emergencies only. Real emergencies.
Edith Capriani: This is an emergency! It's Mr. Lawrence. He lives upstairs. He's gone crazy.
Adrian Monk: It's Mr. Lawrence.
Edith Capriani: He came downstairs for a visit. He wanted some milk. He loves milk.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm sure he does.
Edith Capriani: Then all of a sudden, he starts running around, knocking things over, screeching, screaming. He tried to scratch my eyes out!
Adrian Monk: Uh-huh. Let me guess. He's Persian?
Edith Capriani: No. He's from Burma.
Adrian Monk: Of course he is. [a table is thrown through the window] What the hell have you been feeding him?
Lawrence: [shouting in foreign language]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Bell: I have to say I've been Looking forward to this all week. I've been thinking about you. So how does it feel?
Adrian Monk: Good. I feel great.
Dr. Bell: Yeah, well, it's not a gift, you know, you earned it.
Adrian Monk: Mm-hmm.
Dr. Bell: So, are you happy?
Adrian Monk: [laughs] I'm very happy. What- Why wouldn't I be? This is what I've wanted for years, you know? All right, why- Why- Why- Why- Why do you ask that? I mean, you don't think I'm happy?
Dr. Bell: Oh, I didn't say that. No, no. I wasn't implying. No.
Adrian Monk: All right, I'm not happy. Are you happy? Nobody wants to work with me. I can't choose my own cases. The crazy cat lady keeps calling, although it's not always a cat. It's my dream job. And it's making me miserable.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Bell: I was afraid of this. You know, it's not an uncommon reaction. People achieve a goal, something they've always wanted. It's not always what they- What they expect. We call it "aspirational regret."
ee, when I was a kid, I wanted to go to a baseball camp. That was my dream. Baseball camp.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me, could I stop you right there?
Dr. Bell: Sure. [Monk is silent] You have something to say?
Adrian Monk: No.
Dr. Bell: When the gods wish to punish us, they answer our prayers. Oscar Wilde said that.
Adrian Monk: I can't believe I was happy before. Why didn't you tell me I was happy?
Dr. Bell: Adrian, you can always quit.
Adrian Monk: I can't quit.
Dr. Bell: Everybody will understand. You've changed, the department has changed, you've been your own boss for 12 years. It's hard to go back.
Adrian Monk: I can't quit.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Sign here and here.
Lieutenant Disher: Is this blood?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Sorry it didn't work out.
Adrian Monk: I'm not. At least now I know I'm not the man I was.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Who is?
Lieutenant Disher: So what are you gonna do?
Adrian Monk: Uh, I haven't decided. I'll either go home and brood or go home and sulk. I'm leaning toward brooding.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: Well, when you leave, use the west entrance.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Surprise.
Adrian Monk: What is it?
Lieutenant Disher: It's a surprise.
Adrian Monk: Well, what is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, if we told you, It wouldn't be a surprise now, would it?
Adrian Monk: No, I guess it wouldn't. What is it?
Lieutenant Disher: [to Stottlemeyer] What is it?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Natalie.
Natalie: I heard you might be looking for an assistant.
Adrian Monk: What about your job with the big promoter?
Natalie: Oh, Jim Paxton can make his own dinner reservations. He doesn't need me. I'm needed here.
Adrian Monk: I pay $900 a week.
Natalie: I am not taking a pay cut, Mr. Monk!
Adrian Monk: Then you shouldn't have quit.
Natalie: I didn't quit, you let me go! Oh, God, you make me mad! [scoffs] What are you looking for?
Adrian Monk: The captain said there'd be a surprise.
Natalie: I'm the surprise! I talked to the captain this morning.
Adrian Monk: Oh, good.
Natalie: What- What, you're disappointed?
Adrian Monk: No, I said, "Oh, good."
Natalie: Well, you sound disappointed. What were you expecting?
Adrian Monk: I thought it might be Joey Heatherton.


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