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‘Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding

407. Mr. Monk Goes to a Wedding

Aired August 19, 2005

After Lieutenant Disher agrees to be Natalie's plus one at her brother's wedding, he is knocked down in the parking lot.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: What's that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's cellophane. Monk's idea.
Adrian Monk: It's to protect the cake. Makes it more fun.
Lieutenant Disher: For what?
Adrian Monk: Well, when you blow out the candles, there's always a little, what I call, spittle.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Actually a pretty good idea. It's a birthday cake spittle shield. You know, that's the first idea that you've had that I might actually consider investing in.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Natalie: Make a wish. [Disher takes a long, thoughtful moment]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Blow out the candles, lieutenant.
[As Randy blows out the candles, the flames spread to the cellophane cover which ignites. As Randy tries to blow out the fire, Stottlemeyer uses a fire extinguisher.]
Adrian Monk: Hey, happy birthday.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I think I might reconsider that investment.

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Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, I wonder how Natalie and Randy are doing. I love weddings. Did you know that I met Karen at a wedding? I love weddings anyway. [sees Monk is down] Yep. You know who had a great wedding? You did. You and Trudy. Now, that was a great day. Where is that photo album?
Adrian Monk: She was... Wow!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Beautiful.
Adrian Monk: I remember during the service she was crying so hard, she couldn't even say the words, "I do." Have you ever seen anybody cry so much?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That was you, Monk. And, no, I have not.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Natalie: You broke into her room? Is that legal?
Captain Stottlemeyer: You don't need a search warrant to go into a hotel room if it's after checkout.
Adrian Monk: Is that true?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know.

Quote from Natalie

Lieutenant Disher: Is that your dad?
Natalie: Robert Davenport. Everybody calls him Bobby.
Lieutenant Disher: What does he do?
Natalie: He inherits money.
Lieutenant Disher: What about your mom?
Natalie: That's Peggy. She has two hobbies. Tennis, and making me feel like dirt. She's a champion at both.

Quote from Natalie

Peggy Davenport: Oh, now, sweetheart, I'm sorry about your friend. But there isn't anything that you can do. So now we just have to... what?
Natalie: We soldier on.
Peggy Davenport: That's right. We soldier on. Uh, now, the rehearsal dinner is in about 20 minutes, so...
Natalie: What's that?
Peggy Davenport: Uh, oh, I found this outside.
Natalie: But those are Randy's pants.
Peggy Davenport: Oh, yes, I thought that this color would be good to show the wedding planner for the tablecloths.
Natalie: Khaki?
Peggy Davenport: No, the blood! Crimson! The ones she picked were sort of raspberry. Didn't go with any of the flowers at all.
Natalie: Mom, that's an evidence bag.
Peggy Davenport: Yes.
Natalie: You can't just take it from a crime scene. That's a felony.
Peggy Davenport: Well, the tablecloths are a felony, darling. And I'm going to give it back.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Natalie, that gift shop does not have my toothbrush. They do not carry the Gertler 4000. What am I supposed to do?
Natalie: We're gonna worry about that later. Come on, we're late. The rehearsal dinner's in 20 minutes.
Adrian Monk: You said "we"? You said "we're late?" I heard you say "we."
Natalie: You're my date. Congratulations.
Adrian Monk: Oh, wait! Here's the thing.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, someone did this to Randy. Maybe somebody in my family. You're a detective, right? This is your chance to look around.
Adrian Monk: Here's the thing.
Natalie: Here's the thing! I can't go in there alone! You're my date!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Jonathan. Theresa. Just wanted to say a few words. I... Well, the truth is I don't really know either of you very well. But I do know a couple of things about marriage. My wife Trudy used to say that marriage is 90% love and 10% forgiveness. She was married to me, so she was sort of an expert in forgiveness. [chuckles] That's a true story.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: This is great. This is awesome! I mean I can't believe you remembered.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Of course we remembered. How could we forget?
Lieutenant Disher: My mom called you, didn't she?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Every day for the past month.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: [answers the phone] Hey. What? No, Roger, you can't. Because you can't. Well, I can't find anybody else. Because the dinner's tonight, Roger. The wedding's tomorrow. So what did the doctor say? So it didn't technically burst. All right, fine, Roger, you take care of yourself. Bye. [hangs up] What does an appendix do, anyway? I mean, it's an appendix! That means it's extra, right?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Is there anything I can do? That wouldn't inconvenience me?
Natalie: Yes. You can come with me tomorrow to my brother's wedding. My date just canceled.
Adrian Monk: A wedding? No, uh I'm sorry. Natalie, I can't. It's a bad idea for for, for seven reasons. Wait, eight, actually, now that I think of... Nine. Nine reasons.

Quote from Natalie

Lieutenant Disher: Well, I've got the day off. I mean, if you can't find anybody else.
Natalie: Hey, is Greenburg still dating that parole officer?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. He married her.
Lieutenant Disher: Actually own my own tuxedo.
Natalie: Ooh! What about that B&E; suspect you brought in last week? He was kinda cute.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not cute enough to make bail.
Lieutenant Disher: I'd be honored if you met my family.
Natalie: It's not a date.
Lieutenant Disher: I understand.
Natalie: I just, I, I need a buffer. I can't handle my family alone.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm a buffer. I mean, I'm very buff. I mean, no pun intended. Of course, I thought I was being funny.
Natalie: Separate rooms.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, I should think so.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Here is the invitation. It's in Pebble Beach.
Lieutenant Disher: Cool. - Who's Jonathan Davenport?
Natalie: That's my brother.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're always kissably fresh with Davenport, like the toothpaste.
Natalie: I'm actually not like the toothpaste. We are the toothpaste.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: Why didn't you ever tell us?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, if you spent three minutes with them, you'd understand. I kept Mitch's name for a reason. I don't want any part of them or that.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So I guess you're kinda loaded, huh?
Natalie: They are. They wouldn't offer me a nickel. I wouldn't take it if they did. This doesn't change anything, does it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
Adrian Monk: Well, why would it? You're, you're still Natalie. You're, you're still you. And we're still us.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And you're loaded.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, Davenport.

Quote from Natalie

Lieutenant Disher: They look nice.
Natalie: Oh, then you'll fit right in. Because looking nice is what matters around here. When I was in high school, all they cared about was whether I was dating the right guy from the right family.
Lieutenant Disher: And? Did you?
Natalie: I dated all the wrong guys. Some of them were really wrong.
Lieutenant Disher: Like Mitch.
Natalie: They still refuse to put his picture on the piano.
Lieutenant Disher: What, that means something?
Natalie: Yeah, it means something to them, and me. God, I'm sweating. I feel like I'm allergic to them.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Natalie: Oh, this is my friend. This is Randy Disher.
Lieutenant Disher: Mr. and Mrs. Davenport, it's a pleasure to meet you. Both of you. I've heard great things about you.
Bobby Davenport: Like what?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, uh, I mean, not about you, specifically. About your toothpaste. Especially that new kind with the mouthwash built right in. Bet you were the inspiration for that. [Natalie chuckles]
Bobby Davenport: Why? What's wrong with my breath?
Lieutenant Disher: What time is it?
Natalie: What?
Lieutenant Disher: [checks his watch] What time is it?

Quote from Natalie

Peggy Davenport: There's something wrong with this bloody Mary. Oh, honey! You're a bartender. Taste that.
Natalie: Mom, I'm not a bartender anymore.
Peggy Davenport: Oh, I'm, I'm sorry. You're, you're, um, a junior detective or something.
Natalie: I'm an assistant to a private investigator.
Peggy Davenport: Well, it's just so hard to keep straight. I mean, what is this, job number 17? Randy, sweetheart, be a dear. Taste this for me. What's wrong with it?
Lieutenant Disher: Not enough celery salt.
Peggy Davenport: Oh, that's it. That's exactly what I thought.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, listen, I gotta get going. You're okay, right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I'm fine. You don't have to check in on me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, I do. I promised Natalie that I would. And I swore on my mother's eyes.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I'm not a baby. I'll be fine here. Alone. All day. Here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You got something to drink?
Adrian Monk: It's in the fridge. There's a chart on the inside of the door. It's color-coded.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't need the chart, Monk.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: What do you got
Adrian Monk: Condensation. The air conditioner was running. And the humidity is, what? About 70%. So that car was idling right here for about 20 minutes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So, what, he was waiting for him?
Adrian Monk: From the tire tracks here, he must have peeled out full speed.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So, what, he didn't even try to brake. Or make the turn. Son of a bitch! What happened? He was only here for an hour. Did he piss somebody off?
Natalie: No.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Captain, it's not your case.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Like hell it's not.
Lieutenant Bristo: She's right, captain. It's my backyard. Lieutenant Bristo. Monterey County Police. How you doing? Don't worry, you'll be copied on every statement. Where you staying?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, right here, I guess. This is Adrian Monk. He'll be staying here too.
Adrian Monk: I, I, I don't think so.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He'll be staying here too.
Adrian Monk: I guess I'll be staying here too.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Boy: Stop it! He keeps touching my food!
Adrian Monk: No, I wasn't. I was just helping the lad. He seems kind of confused about... It's mushing all together here. He's, uh, he's fine. He's gonna be all right.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: So I can't believe I'm about to say this but Mom was right. She's great. You don't deserve her.
Jonathan Davenport: I don't. We have 87 things in common. Last night, we actually made a list.
Natalie: Okay, stop it.
Jonathan Davenport: It's crazy.
Adrian Monk: And she doesn't have any family at all? Brothers, sisters?
Jonathan Davenport: No, she had an uncle, but he was on that Pan Am flight to Madrid with her parents.
Adrian Monk: It was a Pan Am flight?
Jonathan Davenport: Yeah. God, she's been through so much. But it's made her stronger. And it's rubbing off. I feel stronger too. Soon I'll be strong like you.
Natalie: Oh, right.
Jonathan Davenport: She's probably looking for me, so I'm gonna go. But I'll see you tomorrow. Gulp.
Natalie: [off Monk's look] What?
Adrian Monk: Nothing.
Natalie: What is it?
Adrian Monk: Well, she, she said her parents died in 1995. Pan Am went out of business in '91.
Natalie: So? She got a little mixed up.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hey, you better come too.
Stripper Cop: Me?
Adrian Monk: There's a body downstairs. Looks like a 187.
Stripper Cop: A 187?
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Lieutenant Bristo's down there, and I think he wants you down there too. Let's go.
Stripper Cop: Okay.
Adrian Monk: This way.
Stripper Cop: I'm coming.
Adrian Monk: What, what's that?
Stripper Cop: My boom box.
Adrian Monk: Boom box. Okay. Fine. Let's just go. You look like you work out a little bit.
Stripper Cop: I try.
Adrian Monk: I'm looking into pilates.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk.
Adrian Monk: Who is he?
Lieutenant Bristo: So far, he's John Doe. We figure his wallet's still in the mud bath.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm willing to bet that that mud is the same mud that you found outside in the car.
Natalie: Was he the driver?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Not likely. According to the coroner, this guy died at least 36 hours ago.
Adrian Monk: Captain, he's the wedding photographer. The one that's been missing.
Lieutenant Bristo: How do you know that?
Adrian Monk: The discoloration on his fingertips. It's caused by developer fluid. I've seen it on other photographers.
Lieutenant Bristo: Glad he's on our team.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: What's he doing here?
Adrian Monk: Oh, that's Hondo. He's with me. Figure we might need a little crowd control.
Natalie: Can I talk to you for a sec?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, he's not a real cop. He's a stripper.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Natalie: Didn't you see his badge? It said, "Officer Feel Good."
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, the guy's got dollar bills sticking out of his belt.
Adrian Monk: I thought he lost his wallet. Hold on a sec. Now wait a minute. Oh, it's on my shoe. Natalie. [Monk trips and lowers his leg into the mud bath] Ah, no, no! Wipe. Wipe! No, I need something bigger! [The stripper cop removes his shirt and throws it to Monk] You may be right about him.

Quote from Natalie

Peggy Davenport: It's, it's not her. Her hair is different.
Natalie: Mom, she dyed her hair blond and cut it.
Peggy Davenport: It's not her. This is the happiest day of his life. Why are you doing this to your brother?
Natalie: I'm doing this for Jonathan. Mom, this explains everything. Why she has no family, why she has no friends.
Peggy Davenport: Because her best friend is sick and her parents happen to be dead.
Natalie: Did you read this article? She killed her first husband for his money. She might be planning to do it again.
Peggy Davenport: No, no. No, no, no. Cancel, cancel. I don't believe it.
Adrian Monk: Mrs. Davenport, Randy Disher was the investigating officer 6 years ago. He could identify Theresa. That's why she tried to run him down when he first got here.
Peggy Davenport: I'm sorry. But that is simply preposterous.
Natalie: Yesterday, she called him Sergeant Disher. He was a sergeant when she knew him 6 years ago.

Quote from Natalie

Peggy Davenport: We both know what this is about. This is not about Theresa and some stupid photograph that somebody found. This is about you and me.
Natalie: Oh, Mom, please stop.
Peggy Davenport: Yes. Yes. You and me and Mitch. And the fact that you think that I treated him badly...
Natalie: Oh, this is...
Peggy Davenport: And I never put his picture on the piano as if that meant anything. I really don't see how you can work with that man or how you can take anything he says seriously.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Theresa Scott: Should I be insulted?
Adrian Monk: About what?
Theresa Scott: The napkins. You afraid to touch me, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Why would I be afraid of you? I'm not marrying you. [Therese chuckles] It's a beautiful dress.
Theresa Scott: Well, thank you.
Adrian Monk: And it still fits.
Theresa Scott: What do you mean?
Adrian Monk: You wore the same dress in Philadelphia 6 years ago. At the time, you were using the name Darlene Coolidge. I saw the wedding pictures, the ones that Frank Ruddle took.
Theresa Scott: Who?
Adrian Monk: Frank Ruddle. The wedding photographer who made the fatal mistake of recognizing you.
Theresa Scott: Mr. Monk, I'm not who or what you think I am. I am denying it unequivocally. However, if you were right, and I was such a woman, the last thing you'd wanna do is get in my way.
Adrian Monk: Are you threatening me? How do you plan to do it? How are you going to kill him?
Theresa Scott: The song's over, Mr. Monk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Anyway, I, I'd like to thank all of you for coming. And I think I speak on behalf of Bobby and Peggy.
Peggy Davenport: No, uh, no, actually, you're not.
Adrian Monk: You... And, um, Jonathan and, and Theresa, I, I, uh I, I know you want to take a, a minute now and just say thank you to our wonderful waiters and waitresses.
Natalie: Yes, absolutely.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You know who's here, though, is, uh, Julie Teeger. Come up here, Julie. Come on up here, please. Julie, you know, is, uh, of course, Jonathan's niece. Come, come, come on. She has, uh, had to, uh, memorize a poem for, for school.
Theresa Scott: [to Natalie] We're gonna go. We're gonna go.
Adrian Monk: And she would like to recite it for you now in honor of Jonathan and Theresa. Julie Teeger. Come on, Julie, come on girl.
Theresa Scott: [to Natalie] Okay, bye.
Julie Teeger: Father William by Lewis Carroll. "You're old, Father William," the young man said. "And your hair has become very white."
"And yet you incessantly stand on your head." "Do you think, at your age, this is right?" [applause]
Adrian Monk: "Do you think, at your age, this is right?" That always gets me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: When I was just a lad...
Theresa Scott: We're gonna go.
Natalie: [to Julie] Good job, good job.
Adrian Monk: Well, not a lad. You know, more of a young fella. You know, adolescent. A teenager, really.

Quote from Natalie

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hang on!
Lieutenant Disher: Hey, Darlene. Long time, no see.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Is this her?
Lieutenant Disher: Darlene Coolidge. We lost track of you back in Seattle in 2001. But by then, her name was Phyllis Gaffney, and she was already on husband number three. He lasted five and a half weeks. You really must've loved him.
Jonathan Davenport: What's he talking about? [Theresa grabs a knife and holds it to Jonathan's throat]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, okay, don't do anything stupid.
Bobby Davenport: It's a company jet.
Theresa Scott: I want it fueled and ready to go in 20 minutes.
Natalie: [tackles Theresa] Stay away from our family. We have enough problems.


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