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‘Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger

112. Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger

Aired October 11, 2002

Monk can't hide his admiration when he meets his musical idol, Willie Nelson, even though the country star is implicated in the murder of his manager.

Quote from Benjy Fleming

Benjy: Did you really meet a blind lady?
Sharona: Yeah.
Benjy: Does she have a dog?
Sharona: No, she had a cane.
Benjy: Hey, maybe I can interview her for that report I have to do on people with disabilities.
Sharona: Wait. I thought you were gonna write about...
Benjy: It only has to be two pages. Mr. Monk is a whole book.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: So, I'm the killer. You're Sonny Cross. Okay, I'm hiding. There is so much garbage back here.
Sharona: Oh, please.
Adrian Monk: Okay, here I am. I'm hiding. You walk up the alley. I jump out. I step up to you and bang!
Sharona: Ow! Why am I always the victim?
Adrian Monk: Because the victim usually ends up on the ground in-in the dirt, and I'm... I'm me.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: [over radio] We're on foot, heading south towards Prospect.
Woman: Description?
Lieutenant Disher: He's wearing gray sneakers.
Woman: Is there anything else?
Lieutenant Disher: He's not Jewish!

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: Captain, I wouldn't tell that story about your accident to too many people.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Why not?
Adrian Monk: Well, the hills north of Highway 18 have been closed for two weeks. Brush fires.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really?
Adrian Monk: What really happened?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I was cleaning my gutters and slipped, fell off the ladder.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Willie Nelson: Thanks for comin'. My lawyer tells me that you're about the only friend I got left in town.
Adrian Monk: Do you smell that?
Willie Nelson: Uh, no, I don't, and you don't either.
Adrian Monk: I don't either. [chuckles]
Willie Nelson: Yeah, this is a little piece of Texas on wheels.
Adrian Monk: I love it. It's the bomb.
Sharona: "It's the bomb"?
Adrian Monk: Bomb is good.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Willie Nelson: Do you know "Georgia On My Mind"?
Adrian Monk: Oh. Sure.
Willie Nelson: Tomorrow night we're doing this radio concert. My agent thought it might be a good idea for publicity or whatever. We're gonna do "Georgia On My Mind." Would you like to come over and play?
Adrian Monk: You-You mean play with the band?
Willie Nelson: Yeah. You think about it.
Adrian Monk: No, no, I'd better not. If I think about it, I might say no.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell are you doing?
Sharona: Oh, uh, he's practicing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Really?
Sharona: Willie Nelson invited him to sit in with his band.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, he may be live from Folsom Prison.

Quote from Sharona

Adrian Monk: What's all this?
Sharona: It's for Saturday night. I'm cooking dinner for Justin.
Adrian Monk: Maybe I should drop by.
Sharona: Adrian, I love my job, but if I have to get a restraining order, I will.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Look at all these plastic bags. You must be in heaven.
Adrian Monk: I never heard of these bands.
Sharona: You never heard of The Ramones?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah, The Ramones. They are great. I love that song they do about loving that woman all night long.
Sharona: Shut up.

Quote from Sharona

Adrian Monk: Who was that?
Sharona: None of your business.
Adrian Monk: Well, can I take a wild guess?
Sharona: You never take wild guesses.
Adrian Monk: Was it the guy you met last week at the party Justin?
Sharona: Maybe.
Adrian Monk: When do I get to meet him?
Sharona: Never, 'cause you ruin everything.
Adrian Monk: I'm protecting you.
Sharona: Adrian, you're not my mother. Look, I checked him out on the Internet. He's an architect who's won awards. He's the real deal.
Adrian Monk: So let me meet him.
Sharona: We'll invite you to our tenth anniversary, okay? Now, will you pay attention? There's a dead guy over here.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Monk.
Sharona: Where's the captain?
Lieutenant Disher: He's getting an X ray. He was in an accident.
Adrian Monk: Is he okay?
Lieutenant Disher: He fell off his motorcycle. That's all I know. Until he gets back, I'm in charge.
Sharona: Oh, my God.
Lieutenant Disher: I'm so glad you're here.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: Monk, listen. This is big. In fact, this could be the big one. We have a suspect inside. It's Willie Nelson.
Adrian Monk: The Red-headed Stranger?
Lieutenant Disher: The press hasn't got wind of it yet, so just...
Adrian Monk: Can l- Can l- Can I talk to him?
Sharona: You like Willie Nelson?
Adrian Monk: Are you surprised?
Sharona: Well, yeah. It's just so so normal.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Now, Mr. Nelson, you admit that you and Mr. Cross were arguing yesterday?
Willie Nelson: We argue all the time.
Lieutenant Disher: About what?
Willie Nelson: Only two things to argue about, and money is one of 'em.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: Mr. Monk isn't on the force. He's here as a consultant at my request.
Adrian Monk: First of all, I just wanna say I'm-I'm your second biggest fan.
Willie Nelson: Well, who's the first?
Adrian Monk: Uh, that-that'd be my wife. I lost her about five years ago.
Willie Nelson: I'm sorry to hear that, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: No, I just wanted to tell you how much your music has meant to me and to my wife.
Sharona: Adrian, this isn't a fan club. Just ask your question.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Naked Man: Whoo-hoo. Whoo!
Captain Stottlemeyer: What the hell was that?
Lieutenant Disher: That was a streaker, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What is this, 1974?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Adrian. Adrian, you're gonna have a heart attack.
Adrian Monk: I can't believe he called me. Willie Nelson called me.
Sharona: Okay, will you just relax? He's just... Adrian, he's just a regular guy who happens to sing and play guitar.
Adrian Monk: No, he's not! You take that back.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Okay, now he's gonna block the street. We're gonna miss him now. Excuse me! This is not a bus stop!
Sharona: Adrian, please! Please!
Adrian Monk: I'm waiting for Willie!
Sharona: He's not blocking the road.
Willie Nelson: [bus door opens] Hello, Mr. Monk. Sorry we're late. Come on in.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Willie, uh, if you wouldn't mind.
Willie Nelson: Where in the world did you get that? I haven't seen that one in a long time.
Adrian Monk: I have 'em all. And if you could just if you could make it out to Trudy.
Willie Nelson: Sure.
Adrian Monk: She worshiped you. On our first date, we went to see one of your shows. It was the Shoreline Amphitheater.
Willie Nelson: Yeah, I remember y'all. You were sittin' on this blue blanket.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Willie Nelson: No, I'm just kiddin'.
Adrian Monk: Oh, he's... Willie's jokin'.

Quote from Sharona

Adrian Monk: He sat in for three songs on that album. I believe that was the first time you used a stand-up bass in the studio.
Willie Nelson: You know more about me than I do.
Sharona: He knows more about everybody than they do.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Um, Willie?
Willie Nelson: Yeah.
Sharona: Adrian can't play somebody else's instrument. He, uh, has a little problem with germs.
Willie Nelson: I got a brand-new mouthpiece right there, untouched by human lips.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Honey, do your homework.
Benjy: I can't concentrate.
Sharona: I know, but he has to practice. He's gonna be on the radio with Willie Nelson.
Benjy: Who's Willie Nelson?
Sharona: He's a country singer.
Benjy: Has he ever been on MTV?
Sharona: No, but he's been on the news.
Benjy: What for?
Sharona: Well, according to the I.R.S., when he was a little boy, he didn't do his math homework.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, look. My heroes have always been cowboys too. It's either "A," the blind woman, who has zero motive, or it's "B," your buddy, the Red-headed Stranger.
Lieutenant Disher: Who had motive, means and opportunity and was identified by the only witness at the scene.
Captain Stottlemeyer: "A" or "B," Monk?
Adrian Monk: I think it's "C."
Captain Stottlemeyer: "C"? What the hell is "C"?
Adrian Monk: I don't know yet.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: 430. 431. 431 cereal boxes. That's a prime number.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Sir, are you ready for this?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What is this, a game show? Can't you just walk in here and say what you have to say?
Lieutenant Disher: The droplets on Willie Nelson's jacket human blood from the victim.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, he said that he leaned over the body. Maybe he got the blood on him then.
Lieutenant Disher: The lab is 40% sure they're splatter marks from the actual shooting.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Forty percent?
Lieutenant Disher: What do you think?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, I think it's not exactly through the hoop, is it?
Lieutenant Disher: Okay, the blood is 40%. Videotape?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Forty eight percent.
Lieutenant Disher: Voice I.D.?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Fifteen percent.
Lieutenant Disher: Motive?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Twenty.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, that's like 123%. I mean, plus means and opportunity... [exits]
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right, bring him in. I have to be crazy. Be plumb out of my mind to arrest Willie Nelson.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Willie Nelson?
Jody: I'm Willie Nelson.
Bee: I'm Willie Nelson.
Mickey: I'm Willie Nelson.
Willie Nelson: I don't think they're goin' for it, boys.
Lieutenant Disher: Mr. Nelson, we have a warrant for your arrest for the premeditated murder of Jason "Sonny" Cross.
Adrian Monk: Captain, this is a mistake. He is not the guy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, you can't be objective. You're a member of the damn band.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: What's she doing here?
Adrian Monk: I-I asked her to meet me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, do you mind telling me why?
Adrian Monk: You'll see. Just wait.
[After Wendy Mass sits down, the streaker starts running by]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Son of a bitch. He's back. Lieutenant, call the 23rd. Get a black-and-white down here A.
S.A.P.
Adrian Monk: Captain, not so fast.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you talking about?
Adrian Monk: I bailed him out last night, and I hired him.
Lieutenant Disher: You hired the streaker? To do what?
[As the streaker passes by Wendy, she turns around to get a look at him going. She laughs.]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Son of a bitch. She can see.
Lieutenant Disher: She can see?
Adrian Monk: She can see.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Son of a bitch.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Why would you wanna kill Sonny Cross?
Adrian Monk: Revenge. He was driving the car that killed your parents and left you blind in Tampa. You knew he toured a lot. You waited for him to come through San Francisco, and eventually he did. They announced on the radio that Willie Nelson and his tour manager would be stopping by the station. So you got there early and put a note on the door. Then you waited. Before you killed him, did you tell him who you were?
Wendy Mass: Yes.
Adrian Monk: And you made sure that the second shot was from 20 feet away, a crime no blind woman could have committed. But then Willie Nelson showed up in that alley. You didn't count on that. You couldn't just leave the scene, so... You had to pretend to be a witness.
Wendy Mass: Jason Cross served a year and a half. Vehicular manslaughter? That wasn't justice. What I did last week, that was justice.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Wendy Mass: How did you know?
Adrian Monk: I knew that Cross had been arrested in Tampa. When you mentioned that you'd grown up there, it seemed like a remarkable coincidence. But I didn't put it together until I remembered something you had done last week when you met Captain Stottlemeyer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Me?
Adrian Monk: When you came in with your right arm in a sling, everyone in the room naturally extended their left hand to shake, including Mrs. Mass. This was before anyone mentioned you had hurt your arm. So how could she have known that you offered your left hand?
Wendy Mass: Thank you, Mr. Monk.
Lieutenant Disher: You're thanking him?
Wendy Mass: I am so relieved. It was tearing me up insidethat poor man was taking all the blame.
Sharona: You're gonna have to go to prison.
Wendy Mass: I understand.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe I can talk to the D.A. about extenuating circumstances.
Wendy Mass: There's only one thing that I want.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's that?
Wendy Mass: A window.


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