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Mr. Monk Takes the Stand

‘Mr. Monk Takes the Stand’

Season 8, Episode 5 -  Aired September 11, 2009

After solving the case of a sculpture artist who killed his wife, Monk is called to the stand to testify and faces a hot shot attorney, Harrison Powell (guest star Jay Mohr). Meanwhile, Lieutenant Disher is shocked to learn 

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: Were you alone?
Evan Gildea: No. I was with her. [removes a sheet covering a sculpture of a naked woman]
Adrian Monk: [squeaks]
[present, in the court room:]
Adrian Monk: [squeaks]
Harrison Powell: Mr. Monk, are you okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm fine.
Judge Santa Croce: You were making a noise.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Judge Santa Croce: Could you read that back, please?
Stenographer: Witness: The defendant removed a sheet revealing a naked... [squeaks]


Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Looks like a straight-up break-in. Punches a hole through this window. Opens the door from the inside. She wakes up. They fight. He takes that statue from here hits her once. So, base of the skull. Medulla oblongata. Killed her instantly.
Adrian Monk: Nah, I don't think so. That hole's pretty small. I don't think anyone could fit their hand through there.
Lieutenant Disher: Sure they could.
Charles Friedkin: And did you determine whether Monk was right?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, sir. Lieutenant Disher ran a field test to be certain.
Lieutenant Disher: [whimpers] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Judge Santa Croce: Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt. I saw Lieutenant Disher in the hall before the trial. I couldn't help but notice both of his hands were bandaged.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, ma'am. He wanted to be sure, so he tried it again with the other arm.
Judge Santa Croce: He tried it again?
Captain Stottlemeyer: He's very thorough.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: There's a camera?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, but the recorder's empty. Which means the killer must have taken the tape.
Adrian Monk: But your friend Rudy is short. He's, what, 5'4"?
Lieutenant Disher: 5'4 1/4".
Adrian Monk: Well, he couldn't reach that shelf. There's no stepping stool. "He didn't need a stepping stool, former detective Monk. There are hundreds of things here he could have stood on." "Why are you crying, former detective Monk? "Why don't you stop wasting everyone's time and get the hell out of here?"
Natalie: Objection! Badgering yourself.
Adrian Monk: Overruled.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: He grabs the cash, grabs her gold necklace, bolts out the door.
Adrian Monk: He didn't hit her or shove her.
Lieutenant Disher: No, he swears that he didn't touch her. I mean, the body was right over here in the corner with the murder weapon beside it. It was a tire iron from the shelf.
Adrian Monk: So it was spur-of-the-moment. He didn't plan on killing anyone, or he would have brought a weapon with him.
Natalie: Ooh, ooh, Mr. Monk, good point.
Adrian Monk: Although a good lawyer - Harrison Powell, for example - might say Rudy didn't have to bring a weapon with him because he knew there'd be something like a tire iron in the store. "It is an auto parts store, isn't it, former detective Monk? "Have you ever been inside an auto parts store, former detective Monk? Do you even own a car, former detective Monk?"
Natalie: Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: "Oh, that's right. They won't give you a license. Isn't that true, former detective Monk?" "Objection!" "Order in the-" What's the use?

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Mr. Monk, there's a case, a very important case. Nobody else can handle it.
Adrian Monk: I know what you're trying to do, Natalie, but it won't work. My mind's made up.
Lieutenant Disher: She's not asking Monk. I am. It's Rudy, my little buddy. You remember the kid from the courthouse? The D.A just announced that they want to try him as an adult. The kid's looking at 25 years.
Adrian Monk: It's very important to you, isn't it? Then you don't want me anywhere near it. You know what happened. That last case came crashing down around me.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, we want to show you the crime scene. Come with us. It'll take 20 minutes. Maybe you'll see something. You can't say no. Well, you can, but you can't.
Adrian Monk: I can, but I can't? I don't understand.
Natalie: You don't, but you do.

Quote from Dr. Bell

Adrian Monk: I've made a decision. I'm quitting. I'm not taking any more cases.
Dr. Bell: I'm sorry to hear that, Adrian. Is it because of the TV interview?
Adrian Monk: What interview?
Dr. Bell: Oh, Harrison Powell was on TV last night. You didn't see it?
Adrian Monk: Did he mention me?
Dr. Bell: I don't remember.
Adrian Monk: You don't remember? How long was the interview?
Dr. Bell: About ten minutes.
Adrian Monk: You saw a ten-minute interview on TV last night, and you don't remember if my name was mentioned?
Dr. Bell: All right, he might have mentioned your name. [chuckles] I should have known. You're a very good detective.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Charles Friedkin: Now did everyone review the grand jury transcripts and the follow-up reports?
Natalie: Mr. Friedkin, don't worry. They can do this in their sleep.
Captain Stottlemeyer: In fact, on at least two occasions, Lieutenant Disher has.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Wipes. Plural. Plural wipes. Wipes.
Natalie: Okay.
Adrian Monk: It's a dust factory in here.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, he's a sculptor. It's part of his job.
Adrian Monk: It's no excuse.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Harrison Powell: Okay, well, let's see if you're right. Let's see if this piece matches this piece. Do these two go together? No. How about this one? Nope. How about this one? No. How about this one? Nope.
Natalie: Objection.
Judge Santa Croce: Order in this court. Who is that woman?
Harrison Powell: That woman, your honor, is the witness's nurse.
Adrian Monk: No, she is not my nurse, your honor. She is my assistant. My nurse left five years ago.
Harrison Powell: Well, we're all very sorry to hear about that, Mr. Monk. [laughter]
Adrian Monk: Objection!
Judge Santa Croce: To what?
Adrian Monk: To what I said.
Judge Santa Croce: Mr. Monk, you are testifying. You cannot object to your own testimony.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Here's what happened. You were in the middle of a very messy, very expensive divorce, and you wanted to get rid of your wife.
Evan Gildea: That is absurd. Do I have to listen to this?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, you do.
Adrian Monk: What you needed was an alibi. First, you ordered a two-ton slab of marble. Then you went to work, but you weren't sculpting just another statue. You were sculpting an alibi, a perfect alibi. You had it all worked out, down to the last details-
Harrison Powell: Hold it! Hold it! Don't say another word.
Lieutenant Disher: Excuse me, sir, this is a private conversation.
Harrison Powell: Yeah, this conversation's over, unless you want to talk to me, but I cannot promise that I would listen, detective.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And you are?
Harrison Powell: I'm Harrison Powell. I'm Mr. Gildea's Attorney. I just moved up from Los Angeles. And you must be Mr. Adrian Monk. I saw your profile on In Focus. Very impressive.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. I was just explaining to-
Harrison Powell: Why don't you tell it to the judge? We're denying everything categorically. Have a nice day. Come on. Let's go. You look like a man who could use a drink. Evan, let's go. They can't keep you here. It's okay.
Evan Gildea: Harrison, it's too late. They know everything. They have all this evidence against me.
Harrison Powell: No, they have no evidence against you. They have nothing, okay? You're an innocent man that's been unjustly accused. And I'm gonna prove all that when we get to court.
Evan Gildea: Harrison, it's Adrian Monk. He's never lost a case in his life.
Harrison Powell: Well, neither have I. This'll be great.

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