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‘Mr. Monk Takes the Stand’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Takes the Stand

805. Mr. Monk Takes the Stand

Aired September 11, 2009

After solving the case of a sculpture artist who killed his wife, Monk is called to the stand to testify and faces a hot shot attorney, Harrison Powell (guest star Jay Mohr). Meanwhile, Lieutenant Disher is shocked to learn 

Quote from Adrian Monk

[flashback:]
Lieutenant Disher: Were you alone?
Evan Gildea: No. I was with her. [removes a sheet covering a sculpture of a naked woman]
Adrian Monk: [squeaks]
[present, in the court room:]
Adrian Monk: [squeaks]
Harrison Powell: Mr. Monk, are you okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm fine.
Judge Santa Croce: You were making a noise.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Judge Santa Croce: Could you read that back, please?
Stenographer: Witness: The defendant removed a sheet revealing a naked... [squeaks]

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Quote from Lieutenant Disher

[flashback:]
Lieutenant Disher: Looks like a straight-up break-in. Punches a hole through this window. Opens the door from the inside. She wakes up. They fight. He takes that statue from here hits her once. So, base of the skull. Medulla oblongata. Killed her instantly.
Adrian Monk: Nah, I don't think so. That hole's pretty small. I don't think anyone could fit their hand through there.
Lieutenant Disher: Sure they could.
[present:]
Charles Friedkin: And did you determine whether Monk was right?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, sir. Lieutenant Disher ran a field test to be certain.
[flashback:]
Lieutenant Disher: [whimpers] Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
[present:]
Judge Santa Croce: Excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt. I saw Lieutenant Disher in the hall before the trial. I couldn't help but notice both of his hands were bandaged.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, ma'am. He wanted to be sure, so he tried it again with the other arm.
Judge Santa Croce: He tried it again?
Captain Stottlemeyer: He's very thorough.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: There's a camera?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, but the recorder's empty. Which means the killer must have taken the tape.
Adrian Monk: But your friend Rudy is short. He's, what, 5'4"?
Lieutenant Disher: 5'4 1/4".
Adrian Monk: Well, he couldn't reach that shelf. There's no stepping stool. "He didn't need a stepping stool, former detective Monk. There are hundreds of things here he could have stood on." "Why are you crying, former detective Monk? "Why don't you stop wasting everyone's time and get the hell out of here?"
Natalie: Objection! Badgering yourself.
Adrian Monk: Overruled.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: He grabs the cash, grabs her gold necklace, bolts out the door.
Adrian Monk: He didn't hit her or shove her.
Lieutenant Disher: No, he swears that he didn't touch her. I mean, the body was right over here in the corner with the murder weapon beside it. It was a tire iron from the shelf.
Adrian Monk: So it was spur-of-the-moment. He didn't plan on killing anyone, or he would have brought a weapon with him.
Natalie: Ooh, ooh, Mr. Monk, good point.
Adrian Monk: Although a good lawyer - Harrison Powell, for example - might say Rudy didn't have to bring a weapon with him because he knew there'd be something like a tire iron in the store. "It is an auto parts store, isn't it, former detective Monk? "Have you ever been inside an auto parts store, former detective Monk? Do you even own a car, former detective Monk?"
Natalie: Mr. Monk, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: "Oh, that's right. They won't give you a license. Isn't that true, former detective Monk?" "Objection!" "Order in the-" What's the use?

Quote from Dr. Bell

Adrian Monk: I've made a decision. I'm quitting. I'm not taking any more cases.
Dr. Bell: I'm sorry to hear that, Adrian. Is it because of the TV interview?
Adrian Monk: What interview?
Dr. Bell: Oh, Harrison Powell was on TV last night. You didn't see it?
Adrian Monk: Did he mention me?
Dr. Bell: I don't remember.
Adrian Monk: You don't remember? How long was the interview?
Dr. Bell: About ten minutes.
Adrian Monk: You saw a ten-minute interview on TV last night, and you don't remember if my name was mentioned?
Dr. Bell: All right, he might have mentioned your name. [chuckles] I should have known. You're a very good detective.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Mr. Monk, there's a case, a very important case. Nobody else can handle it.
Adrian Monk: I know what you're trying to do, Natalie, but it won't work. My mind's made up.
Lieutenant Disher: She's not asking Monk. I am. It's Rudy, my little buddy. You remember the kid from the courthouse? The D.A just announced that they want to try him as an adult. The kid's looking at 25 years.
Adrian Monk: It's very important to you, isn't it? Then you don't want me anywhere near it. You know what happened. That last case came crashing down around me.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, we want to show you the crime scene. Come with us. It'll take 20 minutes. Maybe you'll see something. You can't say no. Well, you can, but you can't.
Adrian Monk: I can, but I can't? I don't understand.
Natalie: You don't, but you do.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Charles Friedkin: Now did everyone review the grand jury transcripts and the follow-up reports?
Natalie: Mr. Friedkin, don't worry. They can do this in their sleep.
Captain Stottlemeyer: In fact, on at least two occasions, Lieutenant Disher has.

Quote from Adrian Monk

[flashback:]
Adrian Monk: Wipes. Plural. Plural wipes. Wipes.
Natalie: Okay.
Adrian Monk: It's a dust factory in here.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, he's a sculptor. It's part of his job.
Adrian Monk: It's no excuse.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Harrison Powell: Okay, well, let's see if you're right. Let's see if this piece matches this piece. Do these two go together? No. How about this one? Nope. How about this one? No. How about this one? Nope.
Natalie: Objection.
Judge Santa Croce: Order in this court. Who is that woman?
Harrison Powell: That woman, your honor, is the witness's nurse.
Adrian Monk: No, she is not my nurse, your honor. She is my assistant. My nurse left five years ago.
Harrison Powell: Well, we're all very sorry to hear about that, Mr. Monk. [laughter]
Adrian Monk: Objection!
Judge Santa Croce: To what?
Adrian Monk: To what I said.
Judge Santa Croce: Mr. Monk, you are testifying. You cannot object to your own testimony.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Here's what happened. You were in the middle of a very messy, very expensive divorce, and you wanted to get rid of your wife.
Evan Gildea: That is absurd. Do I have to listen to this?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, you do.
Adrian Monk: What you needed was an alibi. First, you ordered a two-ton slab of marble. Then you went to work, but you weren't sculpting just another statue. You were sculpting an alibi, a perfect alibi. You had it all worked out, down to the last details-
Harrison Powell: Hold it! Hold it! Don't say another word.
Lieutenant Disher: Excuse me, sir, this is a private conversation.
Harrison Powell: Yeah, this conversation's over, unless you want to talk to me, but I cannot promise that I would listen, detective.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And you are?
Harrison Powell: I'm Harrison Powell. I'm Mr. Gildea's Attorney. I just moved up from Los Angeles. And you must be Mr. Adrian Monk. I saw your profile on In Focus. Very impressive.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. I was just explaining to-
Harrison Powell: Why don't you tell it to the judge? We're denying everything categorically. Have a nice day. Come on. Let's go. You look like a man who could use a drink. Evan, let's go. They can't keep you here. It's okay.
Evan Gildea: Harrison, it's too late. They know everything. They have all this evidence against me.
Harrison Powell: No, they have no evidence against you. They have nothing, okay? You're an innocent man that's been unjustly accused. And I'm gonna prove all that when we get to court.
Evan Gildea: Harrison, it's Adrian Monk. He's never lost a case in his life.
Harrison Powell: Well, neither have I. This'll be great.

Quote from Adrian Monk

[flashback:]
Natalie: Nancy Gildea. I was just reading about her. She was married to that famous artist.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Evan Gildea. They were separated. Very separated. I guess these are some of his.
Adrian Monk: Oh, this is amazing. Look at that. It's perfect.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, that's a display stand. The art is out here.
Adrian Monk: Oh, well, that's junk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Harrison Powell: Your honor, I would like to introduce to the court defense exhibit A. Is this the statue that you saw in Mr. Gildea's studio?
Adrian Monk: [looking away] Yes.
Harrison Powell: Mr. Monk, the statue is my client alibi. It's kind of important that you take a look at it. In fact the statue is the single most important piece of evidence in this entire case, and you can't even look at it.
Adrian Monk: I got the gist of it.
Harrison Powell: Whoa, I'm sorry, he got the gist of the evidence.
Adrian Monk: I got the gist of the head and the... upper head area.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [microphone feedback]
Judge Santa Croce: Is there a problem with the microphone?
Adrian Monk: There is a small kink in the microphone, your honor. You'll thank me later. There it is. You're welcome.

Quote from Dr. Bell

Dr. Bell: All right, before you decide, let me tell you a little story.
Adrian Monk: No, there's nothing you can say. My mind is made up.
Dr. Bell: Just hear me out. Please.
Adrian Monk: Is this a long story?
Dr. Bell: No.
Adrian Monk: Is it a parable?
Dr. Bell: No. As you know, I went to college on a baseball scholarship. Now there was a pitcher in the league named Scotty Hunt, who was my nemesis. All right, he had this sinking curve ball. I mean, I couldn't touch it. He struck me out 15 times in a row.
Adrian Monk: Okay, this is a parable.
Dr. Bell: It's not a parable. If it's anything, it's an allegory.
Adrian Monk: Okay, I'm quitting.
Dr. Bell: Please let me finish, okay? Now I considered giving up. Then I decided, I'm not just gonna roll over. I'm not gonna let this jerk ruin everything I worked so hard for. So I went to school on the guy. I studied him. I looked for his weakness. And I realized he had a tell. He was tipping his curve ball. So, last game of the season, I'm at bat, bases loaded, we're down by three, I saw the tell. I'm looking for the curve ball. And I nailed it right field fence, grand slam. We went on to win the playoffs.
Adrian Monk: I don't want to be rude. Is that the end of the allegory?
Dr. Bell: Yes, it is.
Adrian Monk: I'm quitting.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: He confessed.
Lieutenant Disher: To robbing the store.
Adrian Monk: He confessed?
Lieutenant Disher: Not to the murder.
Adrian Monk: Randy, you know the law. If I go with you and I see something, then I might have to testify about it. And if I accuse someone, they could hire this Powell guy. They probably will.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I'm willing to take that chance.
Adrian Monk: Why?
Lieutenant Disher: Because he didn't do it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Evan Gildea: I read about that. The auto store. I thought you caught that kid.
Adrian Monk: There was a young man in the store. He robbed the place, he grabbed a few bucks, but he didn't kill anyone. Here's what happened.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What?
Adrian Monk: Nothing. It just feels good to say that again, especially to him. Here's what happened. You drove to San Francisco, and you murdered your wife, no matter what the jury said, you murdered your wife. But as you were leaving, you had a problem. One of your taillights was burned out. You couldn't driving home like that. If the cops stopped you, your alibi would be ruined. There was an auto parts store up the street, you ran in to buy a new bulb, you were gonna pay cash, nobody would ever know you were there.
Captain Stottlemeyer: But your timing was terrible.
Adrian Monk: Now you had a bigger problem. As soon as she reported it, the cops would take a look at the security tape.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And we'd see you in the store three blocks away from where your wife was killed, and you couldn't afford that.
Evan Gildea: If it's all right with you, I'm gonna wait for my attorney. His name is Harrison Powell. I think you might remember him.
Adrian Monk: Leland, he's in my head again.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, Monk, he's actually he's here.
Adrian Monk: Oh, thank God.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Harrison Powell: I've been brought up to speed. I understand you found a burnt-out taillight bulb next to an auto parts store. Congratulations, former detective Adrian Monk. May I? This this bulb must fit, what, fifty models?
Adrian Monk: 31.
Harrison Powell: 31 models. Former detective Adrian Monk, have you ever been inside an auto parts store? Do you even drive a car, former detective Monk? Okay, well, if you guys aren't gonna charge him, with anything, and I can tell by the dumbfounded expressions on your faces that you're not at all. You can turn that off 'cause we're hitting the road. Let's go, fella. I'm double-parked.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: The truth will come out, Powell. Somehow it always does. Your client killed that woman.
Evan Gildea: When are you people gonna stop hassling me? I mean, you've got the real killer right in front of you. That dope-smoking, chain-snatching, little thug right over there. He killed her. Everybody knows it.
Adrian Monk: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Excuse me. Wait a minute. Hey, did you hear what he just said?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, I did. I wonder why you're asking.
Adrian Monk: Did you hear what he just said?
Evan Gildea: I didn't say anything.
Adrian Monk: You just called that young man, "a chain-snatching, dope-smoking little thug."
Evan Gildea: I was being kind.
Adrian Monk: How did you know about the chain-snatching?
Harrison Powell: He read it.
Natalie: No, it wasn't in the papers. It wasn't even in the police report.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, no. There is only one possible way he knew Rudy took that necklace. You saw it happen.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's called guilty knowledge. And juries eat it up. Mr. Gildea, you're under arrest. Randy, would you like to do the honors?
Lieutenant Disher: My pleasure.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: He is gonna rip me apart.
Natalie: No, he's not. Mr. Monk, you're gonna do great. You've seen his curve ball.
Adrian Monk: I don't even know what that means. Oh, I can't believe I'm doing this again.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm proud of you, man. You're getting back on the horse.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, Monk, a couple of suggestions. Just a thought. Maybe work on not crying I mean, quite so much in front of the jury.
Adrian Monk: Okay, that's a good note.
Natalie: Yeah, also, you can think "mayday" all you want, but it's probably a mistake to yell the word "mayday" from the witness stand.
Adrian Monk: Did I do that?
Natalie: Just a couple times.
Captain Stottlemeyer: More than a couple of times.
Adrian Monk: I better write these down.
Captain Stottlemeyer: There are no timeouts. No do-overs.
Natalie: No heavy, heavy sweating.


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