Lieutenant Disher: Captain? I tracked down Kalimarakis. I don't think he's our guy. Number one, it turns out he was allowed to join the Olympic swim team as an alternate. He, uh, got a waiver.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So there's no motive.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. Number two, he's dead. He died in 1995. And number three, he moved to Europe in the late '80s. So there's no record of him ever returning-
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy. Randy, excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt you but could you read number two again?
Lieutenant Disher: Okeydoke. He's dead.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right. See, I probably would have stopped reading after number two. In fact, I would have read number two first.
Lieutenant Disher: You would have switched 'em?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. But that's just me. And probably every other adult on the planet Earth.

Lieutenant Disher: So who's on your short list?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I've been at this all morning. Most of these guys are either in jail or dead.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, or both.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Nobody is both.

Adrian Monk: What about her lipstick?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Lipstick? Looks like he took it.
Lieutenant Disher: Lipstick Killer. Lipstick Assassin. Mr. Lipstick. I've always wanted to name one of these guys.
James Novak: Why?
Lieutenant Disher: If you can name them, you can catch them.
James Novak: Why?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you all once again for coming. You know the situation. We're looking for a woman. Her name is Amanda Castle.
Lieutenant Disher: Although any dead body would be of interest to us.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Randy.

Lieutenant Disher: Did you hear anything? I mean, anybody yelling or screaming for help?
Natalie: Yeah, me. Does it ever get to you? Seeing people dead?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, it did for a while. But I got used to it.
Natalie: That must be awful. Getting used to it.
Lieutenant Disher: You know, it was pretty awful. But I got used to it. It's the worst part, you know. Getting used to it. Something you never really get used to.

Captain Stottlemeyer: Ah, tough guy, eh? Look at this. See that? That's a bullet. That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight.
Lieutenant Disher: That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: Former what?
Lieutenant Disher: Former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: You mean he used to shoot cops?
Lieutenant Disher: No, he shot someone who used to be a cop.
Vince Kuramoto: Why didn't you say that?
Lieutenant Disher: I did. It's the same thing.
Vince Kuramoto: It's not the same thing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, for god's sake, what are you two married, or what?

Lieutenant Disher: All right. Here's the question. Who would murder the oldest man in the world?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know what the question is, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Look at this. Book of World Records. Enrico Palamo. He was Italian. He collected yarn. He made the world's biggest ball of yarn. He was murdered three years ago, still unsolved.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe the world's biggest kitty cat did that.
Lieutenant Disher: I think we might have a serial killer on our hands.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, God.
Lieutenant Disher: Somebody is killing world record holders. One at a time.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think we oughta warn the fat twins on the motorcycles? Or, wait, wait, wait. Maybe we ought to put a 24-hour guard on the guy with the beard of bees.
Lieutenant Disher: I can never tell when you're being sarcastic.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm being sarcastic, Randy. Get the book outta here.

Adrian Monk: He is carrying something. Could be St. Christopher. He's the patron saint of travelers.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay. Likes to travel.
Adrian Monk: What is that, a lion?
Lieutenant Disher: Zoo, zoo, zoo, zoo... zookeeper! A traveling, dancing zookeeper.
Captain Stottlemeyer: This is not a game show, Randy.
Natalie: Well, it could be an astrological sign. So she's a leo.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A leo.
Adrian Monk: What is that? Looks like a ruby.
Natalie: Yeah.
Lieutenant Disher: Rubies, so that's jewelry. She makes jewelry. She's a dancing zookeeper's daughter who makes jewelry!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay! I'm making an announcement. If our suspect turns out to be a dancing zookeeper's daughter who makes jewelry, I'm gonna retire.

Adrian Monk: I'm so worried about Shelby. She's been acting strangely. Look at her. She hasn't eaten all day.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe she witnessed the murder. She saw Dewitt kill Amanda and now he's afraid that she'll identify him.
Adrian Monk: How?
Lieutenant Disher: She could bark at him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, as far as I know, in the state of California, dogs are not allowed to testify in open court.
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe Dewitt's afraid they'll change the rule.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What, change the rule against dogs testifying in court?
Lieutenant Disher: You know, one of those referendums. It is California.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You want to know how tired I am? I'm so tired, I don't know if that even makes any sense.

Lieutenant Disher: I think I know how Wagner did it. Okay. This is the ship. And let's pretend this globe represents the Earth.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a globe. It does represent the Earth.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. Okay. Here's what happened. First part was easy. He takes off. As he passes over San Francisco, he activates the escape pod.
Adrian Monk: Well, wait. Uh, wait. Uh, was- Was there an escape pod on the ship?
Lieutenant Disher: No. Not officially. But I think he smuggled one on.
Natalie: And where did he get it, the escape pod?
Lieutenant Disher: He built it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Out of a kit in his basement.
Lieutenant Disher: He's resourceful. Anyway. Splashdown. He climbs out of the pod, makes his way to her house, kills her, climbs back onto the pod, fires up the engines, back in space.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Randy. That's-
Lieutenant Disher: It's just a theory.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't think so. No. I've heard theories before and, uh, they don't sound like that.