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Lieutenant Randy Disher Quotes Page 1 of 20
Quote from Mr. Monk and the Class Reunion
Lieutenant Disher: Captain? I tracked down Kalimarakis. I don't think he's our guy. Number one, it turns out he was allowed to join the Olympic swim team as an alternate. He, uh, got a waiver.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So there's no motive.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. Number two, he's dead. He died in 1995. And number three, he moved to Europe in the late '80s. So there's no record of him ever returning-
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy. Randy, excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt you but could you read number two again?
Lieutenant Disher: Okeydoke. He's dead.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right. See, I probably would have stopped reading after number two. In fact, I would have read number two first.
Lieutenant Disher: You would have switched, 'em?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. But that's just me. And probably every other adult on the planet Earth.
Quote from Mr. Monk Is the Best Man
Lieutenant Disher: So who's on your short list?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I've been at this all morning. Most of these guys are either in jail or dead.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, or both.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. Nobody is both.
Quote from Mr. Monk's 100th Case
Adrian Monk: What about her lipstick?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Lipstick? Looks like he took it.
Lieutenant Disher: Lipstick Killer. Lipstick Assassin. Mr. Lipstick. I've always wanted to name one of these guys.
James Novak: Why?
Lieutenant Disher: If you can name them, you can catch them.
James Novak: Why?
Quote from Mr. Monk on Wheels
Captain Stottlemeyer: Ah, tough guy, eh? Look at this. See that? That's a bullet. That's a bullet that got dug out of our very dear friend's leg tonight.
Lieutenant Disher: That makes your cousin a former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: Former what?
Lieutenant Disher: Former cop shooter.
Vince Kuramoto: You mean he used to shoot cops?
Lieutenant Disher: No, he shot someone who used to be a cop.
Vince Kuramoto: Why didn't you say that?
Lieutenant Disher: I did. It's the same thing.
Vince Kuramoto: It's not the same thing.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, for god's sake, what are you two married, or what?
Quote from Mr. Monk and the Dog
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you all once again for coming. You know the situation. We're looking for a woman. Her name is Amanda Castle.
Lieutenant Disher: Although any dead body would be of interest to us.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Randy.
Quote from Mr. Monk and the Very, Very Old Man
Lieutenant Disher: All right. Here's the question. Who would murder the oldest man in the world?
Captain Stottlemeyer: I know what the question is, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Okay. Look at this. Book of World Records. Enrico Palamo. He was Italian. He collected yarn. He made the world's biggest ball of yarn. He was murdered three years ago, still unsolved.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, maybe the world's biggest kitty cat did that.
Lieutenant Disher: I think we might have a serial killer on our hands.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, God.
Lieutenant Disher: Somebody is killing world record holders. One at a time.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You think we oughta warn the fat twins on the motorcycles? Or, wait, wait, wait. Maybe we ought to put a 24-hour guard on the guy with the beard of bees.
Lieutenant Disher: I can never tell when you're being sarcastic.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm being sarcastic, Randy. Get the book outta here.
Quote from Mr. Monk Stays in Bed
Lieutenant Disher: Okay, this'll just take a minute. Uh, so, you didn't see anything?
Lieutenant Disher: Did you hear anything? I mean, anybody yelling or screaming for help?
Natalie: Yeah, me. Does it ever get to you? Seeing people dead?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, it did for a while. But I got used to it.
Natalie: That must be awful. Getting used to it.
Lieutenant Disher: You know, it was pretty awful. But I got used to it. It's the worst part, you know. Getting used to it. Something you never really get used to.
Quote from Mr. Monk and the Astronaut
Lieutenant Disher: I think I know how Wagner did it. Okay. This is the ship. And let's pretend this globe represents the Earth.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a globe. It does represent the Earth.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. Okay. Here's what happened. First part was easy. He takes off. As he passes over San Francisco, he activates the escape pod.
Adrian Monk: Well, wait. Uh, wait. Uh, was- Was there an escape pod on the ship?
Lieutenant Disher: No. Not officially. But I think he smuggled one on.
Natalie: And where did he get it, the escape pod?
Lieutenant Disher: He built it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. Out of a kit in his basement.
Lieutenant Disher: He's resourceful. Anyway. Splashdown. He climbs out of the pod, makes his way to her house, kills her, climbs back onto the pod, fires up the engines, back in space.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you, Randy. That's-
Lieutenant Disher: It's just a theory.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't think so. No. I've heard theories before and, uh, they don't sound like that.
Quote from Mr. Monk and the Actor
Lieutenant Disher: How you doin'? We were looking at this case all wrong. It wasn't a burglary. It was all about the wall. The whole time. Here's what happened. The killer was in here last Thursday night. This is where he met Michelle Cullman. They have an artist in here a few nights a week sketching the customers. He drew their picture right there on the wall. After the murder, the killer remembered the sketch. That sketch could hang him. It could prove that he was with the victim the night she died. And it would prove what he was wearing. The same shirt we found at the murder scene. He had to destroy that sketch. So he smashed through the wall and pretended it was part of a burglary. He just pretended to be breaking into a pawn shop. It was never about the pawnshop.
Female Cop: I know.
Lieutenant Disher: You know?
Female Cop: I was here ten minutes ago when Monk was explaining it to you.
Quote from Mr. Monk and the Buried Treasure
Lieutenant Disher: There's a contest. It's like a promotional thing. Collect all the pieces, you get free refills for life. I've been looking for this one for six months. Ha, free refills for life. Captain. Captain, I drink four of these a day. I live to be 100, that's, like, a million dollars.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, a security guard was shot and killed. This is a homicide investigation.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir, I know. This coupon is three weeks old. CSI guys just cleared it. It's not part of the case. Cap- Captain, you're a spiritual person. I mean, you believe in God, right? I think this happened for a reason. Him dying, me finding this.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What are you talking about?
Lieutenant Disher: Circle of life.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's The Lion King.
Lieutenant Disher: Exactly. Except instead of a lion, it's me. And instead of a baby cub, it's a Diet Coke.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, I'm gonna let you have the receipt on one condition. You know what you just said about the lion, and the baby cub, and the Diet Coke? You don't ever repeat that again as long as I'm alive, understood?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir.
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