Adrian Monk: What's with the toys?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, I've been seeing a lot of children this week ever since...
Adrian Monk: Ever since I went on television and said there is no Santa Claus. How are they doing, the kids?
Dr. Kroger: The kids are fine. Children are very resilient, Adrian. Although I might ask you to leave by the side door today.

Adrian Monk: Julie, you can't keep that. Give me that, that's evidence.
Natalie: Of what?
Adrian Monk: He's breaking the law. Natalie, he's creating a nuisance. A public nuisance. Which is the worst kind of nuisance there is.

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I know how difficult this is for you. I was worried about you even- Even before all this happened. I know it's ten years since Trudy.
Adrian Monk: Trudy. Trudy loved Christmas.
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, you mentioned that.
Adrian Monk: Every Christmas morning, she'd set the alarm. We'd go outside and watch the sun come up. Trudy used to say Christmas made the whole world seem softer.
Dr. Kroger: Softer. I like that. What about before Trudy? What was Christmas like when you were growing up?
Adrian Monk: Dark, desperate. The pain was unrelenting. Thank you for asking.

Salesman: Here we go, 16" collar, 33" long. For your boyfriend?
Natalie: [chuckles] No, my boss. Oh, do you have any inspected by number 8?
Salesman: We're kidding, right?
Natalie: No, we're not. I wish we were.

Adrian Monk: Julie, your mom and I are very upset. We can't talk right now. I hate Christmas.
Julie Teeger: How can you not like Christmas?
Adrian Monk: Well, you wouldn't like it either if you hated it as much as I did.
Julie Teeger: But it's so joyful.
Adrian Monk: Don't get me started on joy. When you're older, you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion, it doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time. [honks Natalie's car horn] Damn joy!

Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I think you might need a lawyer.
Adrian Monk: Wipe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, sorry, you can't wipe your hands. We need to check 'em for gunshot residue.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah, I- I understand.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know the drill. [Monk tries to take the wipe back] What did I just say? You can't wipe your hands.
Adrian Monk: Okay, yeah, fine. All right, I'm sorry. I understand. [Monk tries to take the wipe again]

Julie Teeger: We were in the car and he was talking about how much he hated Christmas and how he didn't like joy.
Lieutenant Disher: Joy?
Julie Teeger: Yeah, and then he saw Santa Claus and he got really, really mad, and...
Natalie: Hey, Sweetie, why don't you go wait in the car and I'll be right there?

Adrian Monk: This is terrible. It's like the traffic jams.
Natalie: It's true, Mr. Monk, it is very similar to a traffic jam.
Adrian Monk: I'll never make it. Doctor Kroger charges me for the sessions I miss.
Natalie: Well, you can blame it on me.
Adrian Monk: I do that anyway.
Julie Teeger: Hey, that's Macmillan Museum. I was just went there on a field trip.
Adrian Monk: And in the next session, all we're gonna talk about, is how much I resent being charged for the last session will take me five sessions to recover.

Adrian Monk: Are you on drugs?
Santa: It's all right. Just spreading a little Christmas cheer, that's all. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Adrian Monk: Excuse me! Mr. Kringle! There are city ordinances against this kind of thing. Littering, trespassing...
[later:]
Natalie: Mr. Monk! Mr. Monk! What did you do?
Julie Teeger: You shot Santa Claus.

Adrian Monk: I'm the Grinch. That's what they're calling me. The whole city hates me.
Garrett Price: I think we're going to be okay. I've been thinking about this. It's San Francisco. It's a godless town, everybody knows that. That's why they visit. Hippies and heathens despise Christmas. All need is a couple of witches on the jury, home free.
Adrian Monk: That's your strategy?
Garrett Price: That's just the beginning.