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‘Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus

610. Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus

Aired December 7, 2007

Monk becomes the most hated man in San Francisco after he shoots a man who was throwing presents off a roof dressed as Santa Claus.

Quote from Dr. Kroger

Adrian Monk: What's with the toys?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, I've been seeing a lot of children this week ever since...
Adrian Monk: Ever since I went on television and said there is no Santa Claus. How are they doing, the kids?
Dr. Kroger: The kids are fine. Children are very resilient, Adrian. Although I might ask you to leave by the side door today.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Julie, you can't keep that. Give me that, that's evidence.
Natalie: Of what?
Adrian Monk: He's breaking the law. Natalie, he's creating a nuisance. A public nuisance. Which is the worst kind of nuisance there is.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I know how difficult this is for you. I was worried about you even- Even before all this happened. I know it's ten years since Trudy.
Adrian Monk: Trudy. Trudy loved Christmas.
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, you mentioned that.
Adrian Monk: Every Christmas morning, she'd set the alarm. We'd go outside and watch the sun come up. Trudy used to say Christmas made the whole world seem softer.
Dr. Kroger: Softer. I like that.
Dr. Kroger: What about before Trudy? What was Christmas like when you were growing up?
Adrian Monk: Dark, desperate. The pain was unrelenting. Thank you for asking.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Julie, your mom and I are very upset. We can't talk right now. I hate Christmas.
Julie Teeger: How can you not like Christmas?
Adrian Monk: Well, you wouldn't like it either if you hated it as much as I did.
Julie Teeger: But it's so joyful.
Adrian Monk: Don't get me started on joy. When you're older, you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion, it doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time. [honks Natalie's car horn] Damn joy!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I think you might need a lawyer.
Adrian Monk: Wipe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, sorry, you can't wipe your hands. We need to check 'em for gunshot residue.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah, I- I understand.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know the drill. [Monk tries to take the wipe back] What did I just say? You can't wipe your hands.
Adrian Monk: Okay, yeah, fine. All right, I'm sorry. I understand. [Monk tries to take the wipe again]

Quote from Natalie

Salesman: Here we go, 16" collar, 33" long. For your boyfriend?
Natalie: [chuckles] No, my boss. Oh, do you have any inspected by number 8?
Salesman: We're kidding, right?
Natalie: No, we're not. I wish we were.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Julie Teeger: We were in the car and he was talking about how much he hated Christmas and how he didn't like joy.
Lieutenant Disher: Joy?
Julie Teeger: Yeah, and then he saw Santa Claus and he got really, really mad, and...
Natalie: Hey, Sweetie, why don't you go wait in the car and I'll be right there?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: This is terrible. It's like the traffic jams.
Natalie: It's true, Mr. Monk, it is very similar to a traffic jam.
Adrian Monk: I'll never make it. Doctor Kruger charges me for the sessions I miss.
Natalie: Well, you can blame it on me.
Adrian Monk: I do that anyway.
Julie Teeger: Hey, that's Macmillan Museum. I was just went there on a field trip.
Adrian Monk: And in the next session, all we're gonna talk about, is how much I resent being charged for the last session will take me five sessions to recover.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Are you on drugs?
Santa: It's all right. Just spreading a little Christmas cheer, that's all. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Adrian Monk: Excuse me! Mr. Kringle! There are city ordinances against this kind of thing. Littering, trespassing...
[later:]
Natalie: Mr. Monk! Mr. Monk! What did you do?
Julie Teeger: You shot Santa Claus.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I'm the Grinch. That's what they're calling me. The whole city hates me.
Garrett Price: I think we're going to be okay. I've been thinking about this. It's San Francisco. It's a godless town, everybody knows that. That's why they visit. Hippies and heathens despise Christmas. All need is a couple of witches on the jury, home free.
Adrian Monk: That's your strategy?
Garrett Price: That's just the beginning.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: How's it going, Randy?
Lieutenant Disher: Almost done. We recovered these on the street, and these were from the toy bag. We've got 24 dolls, one rubber snake, five Frisbees, one walkie talkie, and 37 stuffed animals. Uh, I don't know whether to count the bunny or not. It's got blood all over it.
Adrian Monk: Great, blood on the Bunny.
Garrett Price: That's not good. Most heathens love Bunnies. I'll have to find one that doesn't.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: It is December 19th, 3:45 pm. I am interviewing Adrian Monk.
Garrett Price: Garret Price for Mr. Monk and I have 3:46 pm. Go.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What happened on the roof?
Adrian Monk: When I got up there, that guy.
Lieutenant Disher: Santa Claus.
Adrian Monk: Mr. Kenworthy.
Adrian Monk: Kenworthy. He was standing near the edge. He was throwing the toys off the roof. I asked him to stop. He told me to leave him alone. He said my head was made of B.M.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right. Go on.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Is this the gun? You're sure?
Adrian Monk: I remember the broken handle.
Lieutenant Disher: Mr. Kenworthy said it's not his gun. He said that you went nuts. That you started yelling, cursing. That you pulled out this gun. You started shooting. Can you explain that?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I can. He's lying.
Lieutenant Disher: We got your prints off the weapon, Monk, not his.
Adrian Monk: He was wearing gloves. Santa Claus gloves.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Garrett Price: If I may, what about the bomb?
Adrian Monk: What bomb?
Garrett Price: You remember. You told me there was a bomb. That Mr. Kenworthy had a bomb. He had a bomb.
Adrian Monk: He didn't have a bomb.
Garrett Price: Go along with it. He was waving something around. You thought it was a bomb. It looked like a bomb. He thought it was a bomb. That's why you shot him! He's a hero. You're a hero.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, there was no bomb. [Stottlemeyer stops recording]
Garrett Price: There was a bomb.
Adrian Monk: There was no bomb.
Garrett Price: Why are you protecting him?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Garrett Price: May I speak with my client for a moment?
Captain Stottlemeyer: By all means.
Garrett Price: First you don't like hippies, now you don't like bombs. Juries love bombs.
Adrian Monk: There was no bomb.
Garrett Price: Just try it out. Just see how it feels.
Adrian Monk: It was a gun.
Garrett Price: Everybody today likes bombs. No jury will acquit you if there's a bomb.
[After Monk and Garrett Price walk back towards the Captain, Price starts the tape recorder again]
Garrett Price: Pending further investigation, we are not certain there was a bomb but we're pretty sure.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Please don't put your fingerprints on the tape. No, that piece of tape has your fingerprint on it. Don't touch the sticky part.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hello.
Boy: Why'd you do it, mister? Why'd you shoot Santa Claus?
Natalie: Oh, no, no, no, sweetie. It wasn't like that.
Adrian Monk: The grand jury is about to convene. You know what a grand jury is?
Natalie: Oh, sweetie, here.
Adrian Monk: He doesn't know.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I can't live like this. The trial could be a year away. I have to tell them my side of the story.
Natalie: No, no, no. Mr. Monk. I've heard your side of the story and I love you, and I don't think it's a good idea.
Adrian Monk: This is just a P.R. problem. When your dad sold that tainted toothpaste from China, what did he do? He went on the news and he told his side of the story. He took the offensive. I can be as offensive as your father.
Natalie: I'm sure you can.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: You know, that woman Brandy Barber, she's, she's been calling me. She wants me to do her show. I think I'm gonna do it.
Natalie: No, no, Mr. Monk. I've seen her show. She's not a real journalist. She'll rip you apart!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, you're forgetting one thing. The truth. See, I have the truth on my side.
Natalie: Oh, my God.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sound Guy: You gotta unbutton the shirt.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm good. I'll just hold it. Like Sinatra.

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