Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus

610. Mr. Monk and the Man Who Shot Santa Claus

Aired December 7, 2007

Monk becomes the most hated man in San Francisco after he shoots a man who was throwing presents off a roof dressed as Santa Claus.

Quote from Dr. Kroger

Adrian Monk: What's with the toys?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, I've been seeing a lot of children this week ever since...
Adrian Monk: Ever since I went on television and said there is no Santa Claus. How are they doing, the kids?
Dr. Kroger: The kids are fine. Children are very resilient, Adrian. Although I might ask you to leave by the side door today.

Rate

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Julie, you can't keep that. Give me that, that's evidence.
Natalie: Of what?
Adrian Monk: He's breaking the law. Natalie, he's creating a nuisance. A public nuisance. Which is the worst kind of nuisance there is.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I know how difficult this is for you. I was worried about you even- Even before all this happened. I know it's ten years since Trudy.
Adrian Monk: Trudy. Trudy loved Christmas.
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, you mentioned that.
Adrian Monk: Every Christmas morning, she'd set the alarm. We'd go outside and watch the sun come up. Trudy used to say Christmas made the whole world seem softer.
Dr. Kroger: Softer. I like that.
Dr. Kroger: What about before Trudy? What was Christmas like when you were growing up?
Adrian Monk: Dark, desperate. The pain was unrelenting. Thank you for asking.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Julie, your mom and I are very upset. We can't talk right now. I hate Christmas.
Julie Teeger: How can you not like Christmas?
Adrian Monk: Well, you wouldn't like it either if you hated it as much as I did.
Julie Teeger: But it's so joyful.
Adrian Monk: Don't get me started on joy. When you're older, you'll understand. Joy is a trick, a diversion, it doesn't last forever. It breaks your heart every time. [honks Natalie's car horn] Damn joy!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I think you might need a lawyer.
Adrian Monk: Wipe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, sorry, you can't wipe your hands. We need to check 'em for gunshot residue.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah, I- I understand.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You know the drill. [Monk tries to take the wipe back] What did I just say? You can't wipe your hands.
Adrian Monk: Okay, yeah, fine. All right, I'm sorry. I understand. [Monk tries to take the wipe again]

Quote from Natalie

Salesman: Here we go, 16" collar, 33" long. For your boyfriend?
Natalie: [chuckles] No, my boss. Oh, do you have any inspected by number 8?
Salesman: We're kidding, right?
Natalie: No, we're not. I wish we were.

Quote from Julie Teeger

Julie Teeger: We were in the car and he was talking about how much he hated Christmas and how he didn't like joy.
Lieutenant Disher: Joy?
Julie Teeger: Yeah, and then he saw Santa Claus and he got really, really mad, and...
Natalie: Hey, Sweetie, why don't you go wait in the car and I'll be right there?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: This is terrible. It's like the traffic jams.
Natalie: It's true, Mr. Monk, it is very similar to a traffic jam.
Adrian Monk: I'll never make it. Doctor Kruger charges me for the sessions I miss.
Natalie: Well, you can blame it on me.
Adrian Monk: I do that anyway.
Julie Teeger: Hey, that's Macmillan Museum. I was just went there on a field trip.
Adrian Monk: And in the next session, all we're gonna talk about, is how much I resent being charged for the last session will take me five sessions to recover.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Are you on drugs?
Santa: It's all right. Just spreading a little Christmas cheer, that's all. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
Adrian Monk: Excuse me! Mr. Kringle! There are city ordinances against this kind of thing. Littering, trespassing...
[later:]
Natalie: Mr. Monk! Mr. Monk! What did you do?
Julie Teeger: You shot Santa Claus.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I'm the Grinch. That's what they're calling me. The whole city hates me.
Garrett Price: I think we're going to be okay. I've been thinking about this. It's San Francisco. It's a godless town, everybody knows that. That's why they visit. Hippies and heathens despise Christmas. All need is a couple of witches on the jury, home free.
Adrian Monk: That's your strategy?
Garrett Price: That's just the beginning.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: How's it going, Randy?
Lieutenant Disher: Almost done. We recovered these on the street, and these were from the toy bag. We've got 24 dolls, one rubber snake, five Frisbees, one walkie talkie, and 37 stuffed animals. Uh, I don't know whether to count the bunny or not. It's got blood all over it.
Adrian Monk: Great, blood on the Bunny.
Garrett Price: That's not good. Most heathens love Bunnies. I'll have to find one that doesn't.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: It is December 19th, 3:45 pm. I am interviewing Adrian Monk.
Garrett Price: Garret Price for Mr. Monk and I have 3:46 pm. Go.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What happened on the roof?
Adrian Monk: When I got up there, that guy.
Lieutenant Disher: Santa Claus.
Adrian Monk: Mr. Kenworthy.
Adrian Monk: Kenworthy. He was standing near the edge. He was throwing the toys off the roof. I asked him to stop. He told me to leave him alone. He said my head was made of B.M.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right. Go on.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Is this the gun? You're sure?
Adrian Monk: I remember the broken handle.
Lieutenant Disher: Mr. Kenworthy said it's not his gun. He said that you went nuts. That you started yelling, cursing. That you pulled out this gun. You started shooting. Can you explain that?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I can. He's lying.
Lieutenant Disher: We got your prints off the weapon, Monk, not his.
Adrian Monk: He was wearing gloves. Santa Claus gloves.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Garrett Price: If I may, what about the bomb?
Adrian Monk: What bomb?
Garrett Price: You remember. You told me there was a bomb. That Mr. Kenworthy had a bomb. He had a bomb.
Adrian Monk: He didn't have a bomb.
Garrett Price: Go along with it. He was waving something around. You thought it was a bomb. It looked like a bomb. He thought it was a bomb. That's why you shot him! He's a hero. You're a hero.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, there was no bomb. [Stottlemeyer stops recording]
Garrett Price: There was a bomb.
Adrian Monk: There was no bomb.
Garrett Price: Why are you protecting him?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Garrett Price: May I speak with my client for a moment?
Captain Stottlemeyer: By all means.
Garrett Price: First you don't like hippies, now you don't like bombs. Juries love bombs.
Adrian Monk: There was no bomb.
Garrett Price: Just try it out. Just see how it feels.
Adrian Monk: It was a gun.
Garrett Price: Everybody today likes bombs. No jury will acquit you if there's a bomb.
[After Monk and Garrett Price walk back towards the Captain, Price starts the tape recorder again]
Garrett Price: Pending further investigation, we are not certain there was a bomb but we're pretty sure.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Please don't put your fingerprints on the tape. No, that piece of tape has your fingerprint on it. Don't touch the sticky part.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hello.
Boy: Why'd you do it, mister? Why'd you shoot Santa Claus?
Natalie: Oh, no, no, no, sweetie. It wasn't like that.
Adrian Monk: The grand jury is about to convene. You know what a grand jury is?
Natalie: Oh, sweetie, here.
Adrian Monk: He doesn't know.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I can't live like this. The trial could be a year away. I have to tell them my side of the story.
Natalie: No, no, no. Mr. Monk. I've heard your side of the story and I love you, and I don't think it's a good idea.
Adrian Monk: This is just a P.R. problem. When your dad sold that tainted toothpaste from China, what did he do? He went on the news and he told his side of the story. He took the offensive. I can be as offensive as your father.
Natalie: I'm sure you can.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: You know, that woman Brandy Barber, she's, she's been calling me. She wants me to do her show. I think I'm gonna do it.
Natalie: No, no, Mr. Monk. I've seen her show. She's not a real journalist. She'll rip you apart!
Adrian Monk: Natalie, you're forgetting one thing. The truth. See, I have the truth on my side.
Natalie: Oh, my God.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sound Guy: You gotta unbutton the shirt.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm good. I'll just hold it. Like Sinatra.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Hi, excuse me, sorry. I've known Mr. Monk for a long time, and he really loves Christmas. It's his favorite holiday.
Brandy Barber: Uh-huh.
Julie Teeger: You know, he comes to our school Christmas pageant every single year and he decorates our tree.
Natalie: He does. And here's the thing. He's just a little bit particular, just about certain things, so...
Julie Teeger: Yeah, he's, special.
Natalie: In a good way.
Julie Teeger: - Yeah.
Natalie: Good special. So if you would mind just being, like, a little bit, little bit sensitive that would be great.
Brandy Barber: Don't worry, Ms. Teeger. I know all about Attention Deficit Disorder. I did a prime-time special on it. Won a local Emmy.
Julie Teeger: Oh,iIt's not A.D.D.
Natalie: It's not attention deficit.
Natalie: No, he just has compulsions.
Julie Teeger: Yeah.
Natalie: You know, rituals.
Brandy Barber: He's a big boy.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Brandy Barber: Adrian Monk, hello.
Adrian Monk: Hello, and merry Christmas.
Brandy Barber: Thank you for inviting us into your beautiful home.
Adrian Monk: You're welcome. Merry Christmas.
Brandy Barber: You've already said that.
Adrian Monk: Well, you- You can't say it enough. This is my favorite holiday. [Natalie signals to the tree] Yeah, this is my tree. It's quite festive because that's how I feel. About Christmas.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Some gifts. For Christmas. Christmas gifts.
Brandy Barber: Yes, we were looking at those earlier. They're all from your assistant, Natalie Teeger.
Adrian Monk: Well, no, not. Not this one. This is from my wife.
Brandy Barber: That would be Trudy. She died ten years ago, didn't she? And you still haven't opened it. That's very unusual behavior, wouldn't you say?
Natalie: Uh, would you like some cookies?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. So...
Natalie: Would you like some?
Adrian Monk: We made some cookies this morning. Festive Christmas cookies.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Brandy Barber: You received a psychological discharge from the police department, didn't you?
Adrian Monk: Yes. Yes.
Brandy Barber: Mr. Monk, how does it feel to be the most reviled man in California?
Adrian Monk: Bad.
Brandy Barber: Have you seen these? [holds up a t-shirt featuring a "Wanted" sign with Monk's picture]
Adrian Monk: I- I don't think "santacide" is a word.
Brandy Barber: Oh, it is now, thanks to you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Brandy Barber: We've all heard Mr. Kenworthy's side of the story. He rented a Santa costume and was on that roof trying to give toys away in the true spirit of Christmas.
Adrian Monk: Merry Christmas.
Brandy Barber: You can stop saying that now. Mr. Kenworthy said you went up to that roof and just started shooting.
Adrian Monk: That's not what happened.
Brandy Barber: Why don't you tell us your side of the story?
Adrian Monk: Thank you. Well, first off, I want to say to any children watching, I did not shoot Santa Claus. That man, was not Santa Claus. There's no such thing as Santa Claus.
[elsewhere, watching on TV:]
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, that can't be good. [to a crestfallen Disher] You knew that, right?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Here's the thing. That was not my gun. That was his gun. He dropped it. Then he attacked me.
Brandy Barber: Is this the gun you're referring to?
Adrian Monk: Where did- Where did you get that?
Brandy Barber: I'm a reporter, Mr. Monk. I have my sources. It's a rather distinctive weapon, isn't it? A snub-nose .38 with an antique ivory handle. As you can see, part of the handle is missing.
Adrian Monk: Yes, it's broken.
Brandy Barber: Which brings me to my final question. We received an anonymous phone call from one of your neighbors.
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Brandy Barber: He didn't say. It was anonymous. He did say he saw you burying something behind your building last night.
Adrian Monk: Burying something?
Brandy Barber: My producer and I came by and dug it up. I have it right here. We wanted to show it to you before we turn it over to the authorities. Do you recognize it? Huh, it's a perfect fit. Do you still say it wasn't your gun? [Monk takes a bite of the Christmas cookie]

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Everything's there. Except for one rubber snake. It's for my nephew. I didn't think you'd mind.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He doesn't have a nephew.
Lieutenant Disher: I have nephew.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He doesn't have a nephew.
Lieutenant Disher: Benjamin. His name's Benjamin. He's nine years old. See. [quickly flashes wallet]

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: I see you're still in touch with some of your old parolees.
Lieutenant Disher: Thought you retired.
Michael Kenworthy: Well, I call 'em when I can. They're good guys.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I know some of these good guys. Burglary, grand theft auto, attempted murder.
Michael Kenworthy: I help 'em out when I can. What can I say? Everybody deserves a second chance, right? [chuckles] What?
Captain Stottlemeyer: What were you doing up there Michael, on that roof?
Michael Kenworthy: Just givin' away some toys. What can I say? I love Christmas!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Come on, Buddy. There's nobody here. It's just you and me.
Lieutenant Disher: And me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And him.
Michael Kenworthy: Is that why you're here? To accuse me of something? Why don't you take a hike? Both of you! That gun was found in your friend's back yard, not mine.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, that may be true. But here's the problem, Kris Kringle. Either you're lying or Adrian Monk is lying.
Lieutenant Disher: Merry Christmas.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: So what do you think? Wrong place, wrong time?
Adrian Monk: I don't think so. No, he was waiting. Waiting for her. These cigarette butts. He was camped out here for probably 48 minutes.
Captain Stottlemeyer: 48 minutes?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, look. See, the ends are all smooshed in. I only see one match. He was chain-smoking. Eight cigarettes. Figure six minutes per cigarette.
Captain Stottlemeyer: 48 minutes.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hey, those are my wipes. [off Natalie's look] You can use them if you want to.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Do you have a cause of death?
Brian: It's unofficial. It looks like blunt trauma. Eight, maybe nine hits.
Adrian Monk: From what?
Brian: You tell me. Something sharp and heavy.
Adrian Monk: Curved edge.
Brian: Weird, huh? Maybe a frying pan?
Adrian Monk: Or a bell.
Brian: A bell?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: What is it?
Adrian Monk: She was hit on the right side.
Natalie: So that means the attacker was left-handed, right?
Adrian Monk: Or his right arm was in a sling.
Natalie: A sling.
Adrian Monk: Look, there's Candy Canes on the ground. There's three impressions like from a tripod. One of those charity collection pots.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, what are you saying?
Adrian Monk: I think I know who did this.
Natalie: Who?
Adrian Monk: Santa Claus.
Natalie: Who?
Adrian Monk: Santa Claus!
Natalie: No, not again! No! No! No! No! No, Mr. Monk, please no.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, they can't all have been that bad.
Adrian Monk: Pick a year.
Dr. Kroger: Uh, 1964.
Adrian Monk: '64, good choice. Mom was sick. Dad was... Dad was dad. Ambrose locked himself in the basement. He's no fool. Christmas morning, I got one gift. A walkie talkie.
Dr. Kroger: Well those can be fun. I had a pair of those.
Adrian Monk: Not a- Not a pair. Dad said I only need one because I didn't have any friends.
Dr. Kroger: Oh.
Adrian Monk: Just one walkie... One walkie talkie.
Dr. Kroger: What?
Adrian Monk: I think I know why Kenworthy was on that roof.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: I don't get it. What does this all have to do with a pair of walkie talkies?
Adrian Monk: Not a pair. Not a pair. One walkie talkie. See, that's the key. I remember when Disher was going through that big toy bag. There was one walkie talkie, but it wasn't one of the toys. Kenworthy was using it! He was talking to somebody!
Natalie: So he was a lookout?
Adrian Monk: No, no, not a lookout. He was dressed like Santa and throwing stuff off the roof. A lookout is usually a little more discrete.
Natalie: Well, what, then?
Adrian Monk: He was a diversion. He was stopping traffic. He was blocking that intersection down there so the cops couldn't get through. Look.
Natalie: Oh, my God. The macmillan museum!
Adrian Monk: It's three blocks away. They were robbing it, or at least they were about to.
Natalie: The star of Bethlehem. But I didn't hear about any robbery.
Adrian Monk: That's because there wasn't a robbery. I interrupted them, so they called it off. But I think they're gonna try it again.
Natalie: How do you know?
Adrian Monk: Alice Dubois, the woman who was killed, she worked at that museum, remember? [traffic noises]
Natalie: It's just a truck. Somebody must've broken down. Oh, my God. Mr. Monk, he's using a walkie talkie!
Adrian Monk: Call the captain. They're trying it again.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: He's got the diamond. Call the Captain! Call him quick. Tell him to stop the orange truck.
Natalie: Where, where are you going?
Adrian Monk: I'm going after Santa.
Natalie: No, no, not again! Wait, Mr. Monk! Are you sure? I mean 100,000% sure? It's hard on me too!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Brandy Barber: Mr. Monk, Adrian. Brandy Barber, Channel Six News.
Natalie: Yeah, we remember.
Brandy Barber: How does it feel being a hero?
Adrian Monk: He's a very bad Santa. Very, very bad. Bad, bad, bad Santa.
Brandy Barber: Yes, we know that now.
Adrian Monk: Just bad, bad bad, bad...
Natalie: We're going home now. We don't have anything left to say.
Adrian Monk: Bad.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Egg nog. My favorite! Want some?
Julie Teeger: Really?
Natalie: Yeah, you can try it. I'm here. What do you think?
Julie Teeger: I don't think I like alcohol.
Natalie: Really? Thank you! That could be my Christmas present.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: What are you doing? Come on, we're supposed to be cleaning up.
Natalie: I know, we started to, but, everything looks so beautiful.
Adrian Monk: Candles? You trying to burn the place down? What's that noise?
Julie Teeger: It's music.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, come on. It's Christmas Eve. You can't put everything away.
Adrian Monk: It's not real. The boxes are empty.
Natalie: I know.
Adrian Monk: The stockings are empty. It's all pretend, remember? We just put it up for that stupid TV interview.
Julie Teeger: But it looks real.
Natalie: And it feels real. And if you're feeling something then it's real!
Adrian Monk: I don't feel anything.
Natalie: I know, because you're not relaxing.


 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  Select another episode