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‘Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing

504. Mr. Monk Can't See a Thing

Aired July 28, 2006

After Monk is blinded by a murderer at the fire station, he must solve the case using his other senses.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: I am not going anywhere. Look at me. Sorry. Your life is not over. You could still do anything. There've been lots of blind people who have done great and amazing things.
Adrian Monk: Like who?
Natalie: Like Ray Charles. And, um, you know...
Adrian Monk: Yeah?
Natalie: You know, uh, I mean, come on. Uh... Uh... Uh... Mr. Magoo.
Adrian Monk: Who's that?
Natalie: Mr. Magoo? Oh, gosh, he was a great man. Um... an inventor.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Natalie: An entrepreneur, if you will. He did lots of amazing, amazing things.
Adrian Monk: And he was blind?
Natalie: I don't want to talk about Mr. Magoo anymore.
Adrian Monk: Me neither.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [recorded] This is Adrian... Monk. Thank you for calling my new answering machine. When you hear the beep noise please speak into the telephone receiver, and leave a message which I will play back and listen to later. This is the end of the message. And here is the beep I was talking about. [beep]

Quote from Dr. Kroger

Dr. Kroger: All right, Adrian, wh- Wh- What about your work?
Adrian Monk: My work? My work's great. I'd say I'm operating at or just below Magoo level.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I have to tell you I'm a little concerned. Now, there are five stages of grief, and I think you've already leapfrogged over at least the first three of them. And I think any doctor-
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry to interrupt. I was just thinking. You could be naked right now, and it wouldn't bother me.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I'm not naked.
Adrian Monk: But you could be.
Dr. Kroger: Look it, Adrian. I think that you're using this condition as an excuse to cut yourself off from the real world, even more than usual. And the pendulum will swing back.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Dr. Kroger: Yes, it will. This is what pendulums do. You could come crashing down. It would be very painful. I- I-I just refuse to believe that you are happy - genuinely happy- having lost your eyesight.
Adrian Monk: It's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Dr. Kroger: Oh, okay, fine. Well, then, why don't we get some ear plugs, and some nose plugs? And then you can just cut yourself off completely from the world.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Dr. Kroger: Or maybe we could arrange to have you put into a coma.
Adrian Monk: Well, let's try the ear plug thing first.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: He's not the guy.
Jake Colbert: I've been trying to tell you. I found that coat in a dumpster. I get cold at night. I sleep in a cardboard box at the beach. My life sucks!
Adrian Monk: What are you complaining about? At least you can see.
Jake Colbert: Oh, I got plenty to complain about. Don't get me started. No, no. I've got a nine-year-old dog that needs a new kidney.
Adrian Monk: I had a bucket of acid thrown in my face. I think I win.
Jake Colbert: I haven't had a hot meal in three years.
Adrian Monk: My wife is dead.
Jake Colbert: So is mine.
Adrian Monk: Car bomb?
Jake Colbert: Pneumonia.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, car bomb or pneumonia?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I don't know.
Jake Colbert: Yeah, I bet your wife didn't suffer.
Adrian Monk: Trudy lived for 20 minutes in pain, alone. Y- You're an amateur. Come back when you got something. Who's next? Come on. Anybody. You're looking at the most miserable man on Earth. Oh, hey, you. How 'bout you? How 'bout you? You want a piece of me? I'll take you all on at the same time. I can't lose! I- I can't lose.

Quote from Natalie

Lieutenant Disher: Hey, how's he doing?
Natalie: We just got back from the hospital. They're very optimistic. [shakes her head]
Lieutenant Disher: You mean pessimistic.
Natalie: No, they're very optimistic. [shakes her head]
Lieutenant Disher: Well, then, why are you shaking your head?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Is he the guy?
Adrian Monk: I can't tell. I can't tell. The guy at the firehouse never said a word.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.Well, you know what we have to do. We have to feel the man's face.
Adrian Monk: What? No. No, Leland. Please. I can't. God, I can't.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're the only witness I got.
Adrian Monk: He's a drifter.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So what?
Adrian Monk: I have lived my whole life without feeling a drifter's face. I've always been very proud of that. Even on my worst day, I could tell myself at least I didn't feel a drifter's face.
Captain Stottlemeyer: This could be the man who killed Rusty and blinded you. I am not letting him or you walk out of here until I'm sure.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Jackman: I think I have some good news. The optic nerves appear to be healing, and your pupils are starting to dilate. I'm cautiously optimistic. [Monk groans] Is that how he takes good news?
Natalie: Yeah, it is.
Dr. Jackman: If you could just stick around for a bit, I'd like to show these to my colleagues. Be right back.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you, doctor. We'll be here.
Natalie: Isn't that great? She sounded so hopeful.
Adrian Monk: Hope. I hate hope's guts.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, what happened to all your confidence?
Adrian Monk: I don't know, Leland. Maybe I dropped it when I was screaming for help ten inches off the ground. I am so pathetic. I'm half the man I was, which was 3/4 of a man. And so now I'm...
Lieutenant Disher: 5/16ths of a man.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, no, wait. 3/8ths of a man.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hey, hey, Karl with a K.
Man: Oh, hell, he's back.
Adrian Monk: Hey, Chucky, you... You missed a spot. Captain can you believe it's been a year already?
Capt. Stockton: You know, Mr. Monk, I told you you can test those smoke alarms at home by yourself.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I know, I know. But I'd rather you guys did it. You're the experts, right?
Capt. Stockton: [siren] House fire, three alarm. Mr. Monk, I'm afraid you're gonna have to wait.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I was here first.
Capt. Stockton: Sir, there's a house burning down five blocks away. Don't you think that should take priority right now?
Adrian Monk: Eh...
Capt. Stockton: Don't you?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Rusty: How many rooms do you have?
Adrian Monk: Five.
Rusty: Thirty smoke detectors for five rooms?
Adrian Monk: Plus two hallways and a vestibule.
Rusty: I used to say you can't be too careful. Never say that again.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk, you know this is a top hospital. They're gonna do everything they can. You can't give up. There's always hope.
Adrian Monk: There's never hope.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I can't do this.
Natalie: You can do this. You can do this. Mr. Monk, just concentrate, okay? All right, just try to picture the room. You can do this. You have an amazing memory.
Adrian Monk: Oh, right. I forgot about my amazing memory.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: A guy named Colbert. Jake Colbert. He's a drifter. He lives out by the beach. You think you can I.D. him?
Adrian Monk: Oh, I don't know how. Maybe you haven't heard. I am blind.
Natalie: But you'll do the best you can. Right? You're not gonna give up just because you've been dealt a bad hand.
Adrian Monk: Oh, have I been dealt a bad hand? I wouldn't know, because I'm blind!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Okay, if she was watching TV from over there, why is the remote way over here?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: I think I do. Captain, here's what happened. Somebody killed her. Probably strangled her, then made it look like she fell asleep on the couch. He probably walked away. Then he stopped and realized he forgot something. Something inside the house.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What was it?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Probably metal. Something that would survive the fire. Something that could be traced back to him. Whatever it was, he had to get it back. But how? The house was on fire. The trucks were already here. The place was surrounded.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He needed a fireman's coat.
Adrian Monk: Exactly. That's what he was doing in the firehouse. That- That's why he stole the coat. He came back here. He looked like one of the guys. Nobody noticed him. Nobody questioned him. He walked right past them, came inside...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Grabbed whatever it was he left behind. [chuckles] Not bad for a blind guy.
Adrian Monk: [facing a wall] I'm back, baby.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you're talking to a doorjamb.
Adrian Monk: I'm back!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: You know, Adrian, I just don't know what to say. After you got the diagnosis, you were so despondent.
Adrian Monk: Was I?
Dr. Kroger: Yes. You were catatonic. You were sitting here sobbing, because you thought you'd never be able to look at Trudy's photos again.
Adrian Monk: All I know is I've never been happier. I am at peace. Dig this-
Dr. Kroger: Dig this?
Adrian Monk: Yesterday, the school for the blind sent over a woman to teach me how to get around. She wanted me to count the steps from my front door to the street. I said, "Sweetheart, "I've been counting those steps for five years. 44." So you see, I have been preparing to be blind my whole life.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Monk? It's Randy. I'm speaking to you. I'm standing right in front of you. Now I'm squatting. I'm about eye level. I just want you to know that we're gonna find the man who did this to you. I'm gonna work on this case 24/7. I don't care how long it takes. Except for May 11th. My niece is getting confirmed, and there's a reception the night before. So I'm probably gonna need... [to Stottlemeyer] I'm probably gonna need that whole weekend off.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So, Randy. Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: From the 11th to the 13th.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I didn't think this was possible, but you're making this situation worse.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I'll never see her face again.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, don't say that.
Adrian Monk: Am I crying?
Natalie: No.
Adrian Monk: Oh. Feels like I'm crying. Feels like I'm crying all the time. Natalie my life is over. Forget about me. You have to move on, get another job.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Monk, this isn't only about you. This is a homicide investigation. A fireman was killed.
Adrian Monk: Rusty.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Rusty. He was a stand-up guy. He'd been on that engine for 35 years, and I'm gonna nail the son of a bitch that killed him. And you're gonna help me.
Adrian Monk: Leland, I can't. I ca- I can't.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I'm not asking you.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, get him up.
Natalie: Come on, you heard the captain.
Adrian Monk: Okay, I'm coming. I'm coming. But listen, don't expect too much from me. I'm no Mr. Magoo.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Magoo?
Natalie: You know, Magoo. The famous inventor.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Magoo.

Quote from Adrian Monk

[As Monk feels the drifter's face:]
Jake Colbert: That's a wart.
Adrian Monk: Oh, God. Wipe! Wipe! Wipe!
Natalie: Yes. Yes.
Adrian Monk: Wipe!
Natalie: Right here, right here, right here.

Quote from Dr. Kroger

Dr. Kroger: [leaving voice mail] Adrian, it's Dr. Kroger again. Now, I know you're there, so please pick up. Adrian, you missed your 10:30, and your 3:30. Adrian, you can't stay in your house forever.
Adrian Monk: Wanna bet?
Dr. Kroger: I know you, Adrian. You're probably lying on your bed feeling sorry for yourself. You can't just give up. There are people out there who really need you. Come on, Adrian. [chuckles] You have to get up. Get out of bed. Come on, you can do it. Here we go. That's right. Come on. Come on. Up and at 'em. Okay, go on. Come on, come...

Quote from Adrian Monk

Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, according to Mr. Colbert, he was here 5:00 PM last Sunday, collecting bottles. He found the fireman's coat in the dumpster.
Adrian Monk: Five o'clock, that's just three hours after Rusty was killed.
Lieutenant Disher: He also said he found a fireman's helmet, which he gave to a couple of kids.
Adrian Monk: He kills a man for a fireman's coat, he throws it away a couple hours later. That makes no sense.
Natalie: Ooh, rats.
Adrian Monk: Oh, God, I'm glad I didn't see that. Natalie.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: Natalie, I'm glad I didn't see that.
Natalie: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: This is- It's an alley, right? It must be pretty filthy.
Natalie: Yeah, It's disgusting.
Adrian Monk: I'd probably hate this place.
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk, you wouldn't last five minutes here. There's cockroaches...
Captain Stottlemeyer: There's a dead cat right over there.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, it doesn't bother me. Nothing bothers me. It's great. I can't see anything. I don't see any of it. This could really work for me.

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