Natalie: I am not going anywhere. Look at me. Sorry. Your life is not over. You could still do anything. There've been lots of blind people who have done great and amazing things.
Adrian Monk: Like who?
Natalie: Like Ray Charles. And, um, you know...
Adrian Monk: Yeah?
Natalie: You know, uh, I mean, come on. Uh... Uh... Uh... Mr. Magoo.
Adrian Monk: Who's that?
Natalie: Mr. Magoo? Oh, gosh, he was a great man. Um... an inventor.
Adrian Monk: Really?
Natalie: An entrepreneur, if you will. He did lots of amazing, amazing things.
Adrian Monk: And he was blind?
Natalie: I don't want to talk about Mr. Magoo anymore.
Adrian Monk: Me neither.

Adrian Monk: [recorded] This is Adrian... Monk. Thank you for calling my new answering machine. When you hear the beep noise please speak into the telephone receiver, and leave a message which I will play back and listen to later. This is the end of the message. And here is the beep I was talking about. [beep]

Dr. Kroger: All right, Adrian, wh- Wh- What about your work?
Adrian Monk: My work? My work's great. I'd say I'm operating at or just below Magoo level.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I have to tell you I'm a little concerned. Now, there are five stages of grief, and I think you've already leapfrogged over at least the first three of them. And I think any doctor-
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry to interrupt. I was just thinking. You could be naked right now, and it wouldn't bother me.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, I'm not naked.
Adrian Monk: But you could be.
Dr. Kroger: Look it, Adrian. I think that you're using this condition as an excuse to cut yourself off from the real world, even more than usual. And the pendulum will swing back.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Dr. Kroger: Yes, it will. This is what pendulums do. You could come crashing down. It would be very painful. I- I-I just refuse to believe that you are happy - genuinely happy - having lost your eyesight.
Adrian Monk: It's the best thing that ever happened to me.
Dr. Kroger: Oh, okay, fine. Well, then, why don't we get some ear plugs, and some nose plugs? And then you can just cut yourself off completely from the world.
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Dr. Kroger: Or maybe we could arrange to have you put into a coma.
Adrian Monk: Well, let's try the ear plug thing first.

Adrian Monk: He's not the guy.
Jake Colbert: I've been trying to tell you. I found that coat in a dumpster. I get cold at night. I sleep in a cardboard box at the beach. My life sucks!
Adrian Monk: What are you complaining about? At least you can see.
Jake Colbert: Oh, I got plenty to complain about. Don't get me started. No, no. I've got a nine-year-old dog that needs a new kidney.
Adrian Monk: I had a bucket of acid thrown in my face. I think I win.
Jake Colbert: I haven't had a hot meal in three years.
Adrian Monk: My wife is dead.
Jake Colbert: So is mine.
Adrian Monk: Car bomb?
Jake Colbert: Pneumonia.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, car bomb or pneumonia?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I don't know.
Jake Colbert: Yeah, I bet your wife didn't suffer.
Adrian Monk: Trudy lived for 20 minutes in pain, alone. Y- You're an amateur. Come back when you got something. Who's next? Come on. Anybody. You're looking at the most miserable man on Earth. Oh, hey, you. How 'bout you? How 'bout you? You want a piece of me? I'll take you all on at the same time. I can't lose! I- I can't lose.

Lieutenant Disher: Hey, how's he doing?
Natalie: We just got back from the hospital. They're very optimistic. [shakes her head]
Lieutenant Disher: You mean pessimistic.
Natalie: No, they're very optimistic. [shakes her head]
Lieutenant Disher: Well, then, why are you shaking your head?

Captain Stottlemeyer: Is he the guy?
Adrian Monk: I can't tell. I can't tell. The guy at the firehouse never said a word.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.Well, you know what we have to do. We have to feel the man's face.
Adrian Monk: What? No. No, Leland. Please. I can't. God, I can't.
Captain Stottlemeyer: You're the only witness I got.
Adrian Monk: He's a drifter.
Captain Stottlemeyer: So what?
Adrian Monk: I have lived my whole life without feeling a drifter's face. I've always been very proud of that. Even on my worst day, I could tell myself at least I didn't feel a drifter's face.
Captain Stottlemeyer: This could be the man who killed Rusty and blinded you. I am not letting him or you walk out of here until I'm sure.

Dr. Jackman: I think I have some good news. The optic nerves appear to be healing, and your pupils are starting to dilate. I'm cautiously optimistic. [Monk groans] Is that how he takes good news?
Natalie: Yeah, it is.
Dr. Jackman: If you could just stick around for a bit, I'd like to show these to my colleagues. Be right back.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Thank you, doctor. We'll be here.
Natalie: Isn't that great? She sounded so hopeful.
Adrian Monk: Hope. I hate hope's guts.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, what happened to all your confidence?
Adrian Monk: I don't know, Leland. Maybe I dropped it when I was screaming for help ten inches off the ground. I am so pathetic. I'm half the man I was, which was 3/4 of a man. And so now I'm...
Lieutenant Disher: 5/16ths of a man.
Adrian Monk: Thank you, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, no, wait. 3/8ths of a man.

Adrian Monk: Hey, hey, Karl with a K.
Man: Oh, hell, he's back.
Adrian Monk: Hey, Chucky, you... You missed a spot. Captain can you believe it's been a year already?
Capt. Stockton: You know, Mr. Monk, I told you you can test those smoke alarms at home by yourself.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I know, I know. But I'd rather you guys did it. You're the experts, right?
Capt. Stockton: [siren] House fire, three alarm. Mr. Monk, I'm afraid you're gonna have to wait.
Adrian Monk: Captain, I was here first.
Capt. Stockton: Sir, there's a house burning down five blocks away. Don't you think that should take priority right now?
Adrian Monk: Eh...
Capt. Stockton: Don't you?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.

Rusty: How many rooms do you have?
Adrian Monk: Five.
Rusty: Thirty smoke detectors for five rooms?
Adrian Monk: Plus two hallways and a vestibule.
Rusty: I used to say you can't be too careful. Never say that again.

Natalie: Mr. Monk, you know this is a top hospital. They're gonna do everything they can. You can't give up. There's always hope.
Adrian Monk: There's never hope.