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‘Mr. Monk Gets Married’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Married

215. Mr. Monk Gets Married

Aired February 27, 2004

Monk and Sharona go to couple's counseling when Randy worries his mother's new husband is up to something.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: This shelf. I can't sleep with a crooked shelf in the room.
Sharona: Well, when you turn off the light you won't see it.
Adrian Monk: I wish you could hear yourself sometimes. You live in a dreamworld.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Can I have the ring back?
Sharona: What ring?
Adrian Monk: The ring I loaned you. I-I-I'd like to hold on to it.
Sharona: This is Trudy's wedding ring, isn't it?
Adrian Monk: I wanna have it with me in case...
Sharona: Hey, hey.
Adrian Monk: You know, we don't, uh...
Sharona: Nobody's gonna die. Hold this. You know, before I was your assistant, I was your nurse. And you know what? That means I'm still your nurse. So I'm not gonna let anything happen to you, and you wanna know why? 'Cause it'll look bad on my resume.
Adrian Monk: [answers phone] Hello? Can't talk now. I'm trapped in a cave.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Get your camera. I'm goin' in.
Adrian Monk: You can't.
Sharona: No, you can't. Adrian, I have to go in. Randy's depending on us. I promise I'll be careful. I'm just gonna take a few pictures. Don't worry.
Adrian Monk: I- I don't know how to not worry.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dalton Padron: Don't stand on that, please. That chest is a hundred years old.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'm sorry. I was just looking at the map.
Dalton Padron: Yes. It's... Well, it's very rare. It's a copper-plated engraved map, hand painted from 1845.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.
Dalton Padron: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: There was no West Virginia until after the Civil War, unless I'm wrong, which I'm not.
Dalton Padron: Really?
Adrian Monk: It's a forgery. You might want to notify the person who bought it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Adrian, you have to sit. This is a picnic.
Adrian Monk: I- I don't sit on the ground. Animals do things on the ground. Terrible, terrible things.
Sharona: What if they're watching us? This is gonna look very weird. We're supposed to be doing that outdoor intimacy thing now.
Adrian Monk: So stand up.
Sharona: I'm not going to stand up. This is a picnic. Sit down.
Adrian Monk: You stand up.
Sharona: You sit down.
Adrian Monk: You stand up.
Sharona: Adrian, sit down!
Adrian Monk: Okay. Look, all right. How about this? How about if we both squat? See? This is what marriage is.
Marriage is compromise.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: She never thought she was beautiful, which made her even more beautiful. She was 35 when she died. She was just starting to get, uh, some small wrinkles around her eyes. She hated them. I loved them.
I told her, "Those are my wrinkles." I gave them to her by making her laugh so much.
Sharona: You made Trudy laugh?
Adrian Monk: We laughed all the time.
Dr. Waterford: You two never laugh?
Sharona: Well, I've never seen him laugh. Not once.
Dr. Waterford: Oh, Adrian, your wife is in pain. I think she needs a hug, don't you?
Adrian Monk: No.
Dr. Waterford: Okay. Then we'll move on.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [gargles mouthwash]
Sharona: Now, that's just insulting.
Adrian Monk: We're gonna need more mouthwash. [brushing teeth]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Here, sit down.
Adrian Monk: No way.
Sharona: There's a bench. I mean, I can understand your not wanting to sit down on the ground, but I've seen you sit on a bench before.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. Not this one. Yesterday, when we arrived, there was a bird on it.
Sharona: You're impossible.
Adrian Monk: You married me.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: I think I've already read this one.
Adrian Monk: No. No, you didn't. A couple of them are identical.
Sharona: Oh, God. That's it. I'm goin' to bed.
Adrian Monk: You can't. We still have all these left to do.
Sharona: I'll wait for the movie. Wake me up if you find any gold. Good night.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What day is it?
Sharona: We were only in there for five minutes.
Adrian Monk: I don't think so.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hello. This is Adrian Monk. I'm sorry I missed you. Please leave a message after you hear the beep.
Sharona: Perfect.
Adrian Monk: I have to do it again.
Sharona: That was great.
Adrian Monk: I didn't- I didn't pause after "Hello."
Sharona: Yeah, you did. There was a pause.
Adrian Monk: I- I don't- I don't think so.
Sharona: All right. Well, let's play it back.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, no, no. I can do it. I can do it. One more time. One more.
Sharona: Adrian, you're wearing out the digital chip. What happened to the old machine?
Adrian Monk: I spilled some coffee on it.
Sharona: And it broke?
Adrian Monk: No.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Hello. This is Adrian Monk. Sorry I missed you. Please leave a message when you hear the beep.
Sharona: Perfect.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I said, "when you hear the beep."
Sharona: Well, so what?
Adrian Monk: I should have said, "after you hear the beep." They might start talking during the beep.
Sharona: No they won't. Everybody knows there's a beep. And it doesn't matter anyway, because nobody calls you except for me, right?
Adrian Monk: Right.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Thank you for coming. Shut the door.
Sharona: Have you been drinking?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, I have. Couldn't think of any other way to get all this scotch into my body.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: She calls me last week and she says she has a date with an antique dealer a guy named Dalton Padron. So, they go out twice. He proposed to her on their second date.
Adrian Monk: Wow.
Lieutenant Disher: Four days later that's yesterday they get married at city hall. Oh, then last night, when they get back to the hotel, he tells her that it's not working. They need counseling. They're goin' to a therapy clinic, Monk, for their honeymoon.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Randy, that's not a crime.
Lieutenant Disher: No, no, no, no. Something is up. He's 37 years old. She's 58. It doesn't make sense. Plus, I don't even think he's playin' for our team.
Adrian Monk: What do you mean? What team?
Sharona: He... He thinks he might be a you know bachelor.
Adrian Monk: He's not a bachelor. He just got married. Haven't you been listening?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Sharona: Did you check him out?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes. He's clean.
Sharona: Well, maybe he just loves her.
[Disher hands Monk a picture of his mother]
Adrian Monk: Uh. Is Is she rich?
Lieutenant Disher: No. That's the thing. She doesn't have a nickel. I send her some money every month, which she spends on bingo and paintings of Jesus. I know she's not the prettiest woman in the world, but she's my mom, and I love her. How could anybody else?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I have to tell you I think this is a bad idea.
Sharona: Why are you saying that? Because I thought of it?
Adrian Monk: No, I'm saying that because I think it's a bad idea.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Waterford: Adrian and Sharona Monk, this is Jeffrey and Rachel Sweeney and Dalton and Maria Padron. We're going to be shipmates together on this wonderful voyage. Gosh, I hope no one gets seasick.
Dalton Padron: You, the map expert?
Dr. Waterford: You know each other?
Sharona: Oh, we were in, uh, Mr. Dalton's antique store. It... Small world.
Dalton Padron: It certainly is.
Maria Disher: Adrian Monk. Do you know my son, Randy Disher?
Adrian Monk: No. No. Does he sell cleaning supplies? That's what I do. Mops and brooms. Mostly brooms. Sell about four brooms for every mop. It's interesting.
Sharona: Oh, yeah. Yeah. It's... It's spellbinding. Let's talk about mops and brooms all day. [chuckles, sighs] Oh, well. Um, That... That's why we're here, because all he can talk about is work.
Adrian Monk: Well, that's not the only reason we're here. [mimes drinking]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Waterford: I'll show you the garden. Well, I've already had your bags brought upstairs, and I must say, uh, I've never had a guest with so many suitcases.
Sharona: What was that all about? I don't drink.
Adrian Monk: Well, it was... We're undercover. I had to say something.
Sharona: Great. Now we have to spend the whole weekend talking about my drinking problem? All I said about you was that you were boring. Why can't you be the lush?
Adrian Monk: It's too late now. I already said it. That's our story. We're stuck with it.
Sharona: No, we're not. Just tell them that you were confused because you're too drunk 'cause you're the lush.
Adrian Monk: You're the lush.
Sharona: You're the lush.
Adrian Monk: No, you're the lush.
Dr. Waterford: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Whoo. Let's save it for therapy, huh? I don't think you guys should miss a single session.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Waterford: Dalton. What are you doing here? I thought you were finishing your statement.
Dalton Padron: Yeah. I- I finished mine. I was just, uh, lookin' around. Just sort of a history nut. These are fascinating. He's a wonderful writer.
Adrian Monk: "June 12, 1856. Raining all morning. I had beef jerky for breakfast. There's a cloud in the sky that resembles President Pierce. This chair is squeaking. Something smells good. I love smoking 'tobaccy. I just sneezed."
Dalton Padron: Not every entry was a masterpiece.
Dr. Waterford: He filled 947 volumes. I suspect he had a psychological disorder that compelled him to keep writing.
Adrian Monk: This guy needed an editor.
Sharona: He needed a straitjacket.

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