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‘Mr. Monk Stays in Bed’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Stays in Bed

403. Mr. Monk Stays in Bed

Aired July 22, 2005

With Monk in bed with the flu and Captain Stottlemeyer focused on a judge's murder, Natalie takes it upon herself to investigate the death of a pizza boy whose last stop was Monk's house.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Okay, this'll just take a minute. Uh, so, you didn't see anything?
Natalie: No.
Lieutenant Disher: Did you hear anything? I mean, anybody yelling or screaming for help?
Natalie: Yeah, me. Does it ever get to you? Seeing people dead?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, it did for a while. But I got used to it.
Natalie: That must be awful. Getting used to it.
Lieutenant Disher: You know, it was pretty awful. But I got used to it. It's the worst part, you know. Getting used to it. Something you never really get used to.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: It's not straight.
Natalie: Ha! The bubble's right in the middle.
Adrian Monk: The level's broken.
Natalie: The level is not broken, Mr. Monk. It can't be broken. It's a bubble on a stick. You have two levels?
Adrian Monk: I use this level to check the other levels. It's my level-checking level.
Julie Teeger: How do you know that one's not broken?
Adrian Monk: That's a good question. I take my level-checking level to the hardware store twice a year to have it recalibrated.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Could you turn this? Thank you. Well, that's good.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What is this thing?
Adrian Monk: It's a humidifier.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's that one?
Adrian Monk: It's a dehumidifier.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, don't they cancel each other out?
Adrian Monk: Exactly.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Please, I have a daughter.
Reggie Dennison: Help me find it, maybe you'll see her again.
Natalie: Find what?
Reggie Dennison: The box! The box! The pizza box with my prints on it. What was it in? A carton, a bag, or what?
Natalie: My boss recycled it. He separates everything into piles exactly 20 inches high. Then he puts each pile into a green, double-ply trash bag, which he double-tapes shut. Then he puts that bag into another bag, which he wraps with twine four times counterclockwise and ties each end twice. Once he's completed that...
Reggie Dennison: Are you screwing with me?
Natalie: No, I swear. He's very persnickety.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: [answers phone] Hello.
Adrian Monk: Natalie. Natalie, it is me, Adrian Monk.
Natalie: Yes, Mr. Monk. We were just talking about you.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, you have to come back.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I can't right now. I'm at the pizzeria, talking to the manager.
Adrian Monk: It's Ebola.
Natalie: Excuse me?
Adrian Monk: I have the Ebola virus.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you don't have the Ebola virus.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I'm pretty sure I do. I have all the symptoms. I have the fever and the headache and the massive internal bleeding.
Natalie: You have massive internal bleeding?
Adrian Monk: I believe I do. That is my opinion.
Natalie: No, Mr. Monk, you have the flu. But I'm glad you called. I'm talking to Mr. Gorman. He's the manager. Hold on.
Mr. Gorman: [takes phone] Hello. I don't know. I think they're in Atlanta.
Natalie: What's he talking about?
Mr. Gorman: He's asking about the Center for Disease Control.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: How am I?
Natalie: Huh! 99.9.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no. Oh, no.
Natalie: [presses thermometer to lamp] There you go. An even 100. You happy?

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Don't get up. I'm Leland Stottlemeyer, homicide. This is Lieutenant Disher. We wanna talk to you about Jillian Garr.
John DeLancy: Who?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Judge Jillian Garr. You threatened her in court, and then you rammed her car in a parking lot. And now she's missing.
John DeLancy: What are you talking about?
Lieutenant Disher: Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hang on, Randy. Hey, you like Tie food? [dips the man's tie in his soup] Huh? How's your memory now?
Lieutenant Disher: Captain, this isn't table six. Chart was upside down.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Um I, uh I'm sorry. I, um, I made a mistake. I thought you were somebody else. Uh, hey, look. Uh, here. Take my, my tie. This is a it's a $100 tie. It was a Christmas gift, okay? There.
John DeLancy: Get out of here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [to Disher] We'll talk about this later. Where is table six?
Lieutenant Disher: Okay, uh Hold on. Here's the window. Oh. My bad. That was table six. I was right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you sure?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, I just gave him my tie. Plus, I've lost a little bit of authority with him.
Lieutenant Disher: No, I don't think so.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, you don't think so?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I'm sure he'll understand. Everybody makes mistakes, sir.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: [on the phone] I'm not leaving here until I find it.
Adrian Monk: Find what?
Natalie: I don't know. I don't know. I just, I need proof. Mr. Monk, just please help me. I don't know what I'm looking for. The fireplace. Ah, ah. He was burning something. Hold on, hold on. There's a woman. It's him. He's with a woman, but I can't make it out. They're at a hotel, the Oakley Inn.
Adrian Monk: Whoa, uh, Oakley Inn? Oakley Inn. Natalie, is, is this guy a lawyer?
Natalie: Okay now, how did you know that? I smell something. It's bleach. Okay, I'm in the bathroom. He must have just cleaned it. It smells like... It smells like your bathroom.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: How did the killer get him to stop? There are no houses here. No store fronts here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I was wondering the same thing. Uh, maybe he waved him down? Or maybe he hid out in the vehicle. Like, uh, do you remember there was that, um, the carjacking in Mendo ci... [Monk holds up his hand] What? What?
Adrian Monk: [sneezes] Wipe. Wipe, wipe!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Gee, I'm fresh out.
Adrian Monk: Wipe.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, I don't have a wipe. I don't work for you.
Adrian Monk: Oh, God. I'm getting a cold.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It was one sneeze. That's nothing.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no, no. It's a cold. It's a cold. I can feel it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, don't panic.
Adrian Monk: I'm, I'm not panicking. Where's the ambulance?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's spreading. It's spreading. Here it comes. I can feel it, I can feel, I can feel it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Whoa, I did not think it was possible for you to get sick. Well, that's one plucky little microbe. Yeah, for a germ, you gotta be, like, climbing mount Everest.
Adrian Monk: That's not funny. [sneezes on Stottlemeyer's hand]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, look who's here. Deputy commissioner. [shakes his hand]

Quote from Julie Teeger

Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk, I bought this for you. Open it. It has a musical chip in it.
Adrian Monk: Thanks. But, uh, I really don't like the Rock 'n' Roll music.
Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk, it's not Rock 'n' Roll. It's Polly Wolly Doodle. It has a 10-year battery. How about I put it over here, so then you can see it?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: No, you, you can't just leave me here.
Natalie: No, you're gonna be okay. Julie will be here.
Adrian Monk: But what if I have to blow my nose again?
Natalie: I showed her how to do the bags. I have my phone. I will be right back. Good luck, guys. [exits]
Adrian Monk: Julie, there's a pad in that second drawer. Can you get the pad and pen? Write down everything I say.
Julie Teeger: Is it a letter?
Adrian Monk: No, it's not exactly a letter. It's what we grownups call a living will.

Quote from Natalie

Captain Stottlemeyer: Natalie, look, it's kind of crazy right now. Say, how's our patient?
Natalie: He has the flu.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What's he doing about it?
Natalie: Complaining. Driving me nuts.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Natalie: Lieutenant, the captain said you would fill me in.
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, well, we don't know much. She owns a beach house. We're sending another forensics team down there now.
Natalie: Not the judge, the other case. Alvarez.
Lieutenant Disher: Who?
Natalie: Julio Alvarez.
Lieutenant Disher: You didn't let me finish. Who-lio Alvarez?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hello again. Um, this is a little embarrassing, but I'm gonna have to ask for my tie back.
John DeLancy: You gave it to me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, look, if you're gonna wear such a nice tie, you gotta wear it straight. [pulls the tie] You don't wear a nice tie like that crooked. Okay now, where were we? Yeah, we were talking about Jillian Garr.
John DeLancy: She cost me $2.5 million. I admit it. I lost my temper.
Lieutenant Disher: You rammed her car.
John DeLancy: I wasn't trying to hurt anybody. I was pissed off. You know, you boys are asking the wrong question here. You should be asking, "Why didn't she press charges?"
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay, why didn't she press charges?
John DeLancy: Because she wasn't alone. There was a man with her in the car. I saw them kissing. When I hit her, he got out and ran.
Lieutenant Disher: He didn't want to be seen.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He was married. She was seeing a married guy.
John DeLancy: Good guess. Now, could you find my waiter? I'm going to need another plate.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Eat your soup.
Adrian Monk: Oh. I see letters.
Natalie: Yeah, it's alphabet soup.
Adrian Monk: "A."
Natalie: You don't have to eat it in order.
Natalie: Where's Julie's card?
Adrian Monk: I put it in the recycle bin. They just collected it.
Natalie: Julie is so proud of that card. What am I supposed to tell her?
Adrian Monk: Tell her that recycling is important. And that together, we're saving the planet. "B."

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: [on the phone] Mr. Monk, I found the guy who delivered Julie's pizza. It's definitely him. His name is Reggie Dennison.
Adrian Monk: Uh, Natalie, I've been calling you.
Natalie: I know. I didn't answer. I knew you'd try to talk me out of this.
Adrian Monk: Out of what?
Natalie: I'm in his house.
Adrian Monk: You're in his house?
Natalie: He put something in his car. I couldn't make it out. And then he drove off.
Adrian Monk: You're in his house?
Natalie: I didn't know what else to do. No one was listening to me.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Natalie, you're in his house? Listen. Get outta there. And... Can you pick up some cough drops on your way back? But get outta there! Don't forget the cough drops.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [on the phone] Is, is, is there blood?
Natalie: Um, no. That's weird. There's no shower curtain.
Adrian Monk: Is there a light switch on the wall?
Natalie: Yes.
Adrian Monk: Is it on or off?
Natalie: It's off.
Adrian Monk: Well, switch it on. Be careful. Use a wipe or something.
Natalie: It's blood.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah, they always forget the light switch. [coughs]


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