Trending ‘Monk’ Quotes
Boy: All I want for Christmas is a rock polishing kit.
Adrian Monk: Rock polishing kit? You're Santa's favorite.
Lieutenant Disher: [sneezes]
Sharona: You okay?
Lieutenant Disher: She has a cat.
Sharona: Well, why don't you tell her to bring it upstairs?
Lieutenant Disher: No. No. It doesn't matter. If a cat's been in a house in the last year, I can't stop sneezing.
Sharona: Really? Remind me to buy a cat.
Lieutenant Disher: [sneezes] Well, at least you won't be alone on Saturday nights.
Lieutenant Disher: They called him the Spider Lake Maniac because all the killings happened right here in these woods about a year ago. Actually, it was a year ago. Tonight. Now, there's a mental hospital about ten miles away from here. It's called the Lassen County Clinic. Everybody thought it was escape-proof. But somehow he escaped.
Adrian Monk: Randy, excuse me. The Lassen Clinic's been closed for 20 years.
Lieutenant Disher: That's right, yeah. It must've been another mental hospital.
Adrian Monk: Which one?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know, I don't remember. But the point is he escaped. Now, on the first night, he killed two fishermen. Slit their throats. But he didn't need a knife. Want to know why? Because he didn't have a left hand. Instead, he had a razor-sharp hook! Argh!
Adrian Monk: Actually, they don't use hooks anymore. These days they have prosthetic hands. You know, rubber. Just like real hands.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, he had a hook.
Adrian Monk: Or a hand. It was probably a hand.
Lieutenant Disher: It was a hook.
Adrian Monk: Or a hand.
Dwight Ellison: So, Kevin, did I understand Adrian correctly? You won the lottery a couple years ago?
Kevin Dorfman: Yes, I did. That is accurate. And you're probably wondering what happened to all the money. That's a fair question. Here's a tip, if you're ever lucky enough to win the big jackpot, you should probably not make some of the mistakes I made. For one thing, Vegas, it's a good place to avoid. Secondly, if you're ever going to hire an accountant, you might want to make sure he's certified. And most importantly, never, under any circumstances, marry Lisa Abramowitz.
Dwight Ellison: [laughs] I'll try to remember that.
Kevin Dorfman: Or her sister Shelly.
Adrian Monk: Sharona said I should start off with a joke to break the ice.
Ms. Lennington: Who's Sharona?
Adrian Monk: My nurse. Do you like Marmaduke?
Ms. Lennington: Who?
Adrian Monk: He's in the comics. He's a dog. But he's big. He's the biggest dog in the world. Today, he got stuck in the doggie door again. And the man said, "At least this time, he's facing the right way." [slight chuckle] You can learn a lot from Marmaduke.
Ms. Lennington: I think I just did.
Lieutenant Disher: So, what the hell happened here?
Natalie: She electrocuted her husband.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, it looks like we all had a pretty full day.
Adrian Monk: Huh?
Lieutenant Disher: You guys solved a homicide, and I led those two hit men into our trap.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that was...
Natalie: Right, Randy.
Adrian Monk: Brilliant.
Natalie: Really good.
Adrian Monk: Thanks.