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‘Mr. Monk Gets Fired’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Gets Fired

304. Mr. Monk Gets Fired

Aired July 16, 2004

Monk is distraught after the police commissioner fires him following an embarrassing blunder. Meanwhile, Karen Stottlemeyer (guest star Glenne Headly) films a documentary about the Captain and his precinct.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Ms. Lennington: Mr. Monk, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Adrian Monk: Oh. Mm... [long, expectant pause] My decisiveness.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: Hello, Adrian. Thank you for coming in. Why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself?
Adrian Monk: Well, I was married for seven years until a car bomb killed my wife. I've spent the last seven years trying to track down the people responsible for my wife's murder.
Dr. Kroger: Do you have any hobbies?
Adrian Monk: I do. I spend my free time tracking down the people who planted the car bomb that killed my wife.
Dr. Kroger: Okay, Adrian, just a little pointer here. Maybe you don't have to keep mentioning the car bomb.
Adrian Monk: Okay. I'll just say bomb.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Good versus evil... It's just more of a constant struggle between right and wrong. Good and evil, it's the oldest struggle in the world. Am I afraid of dying? Everybody dies. Dying is just a part of living. But when I go, I'm gonna go with my badge held high and then to my house justified because it's my life. My life behind the badge.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Adrian, I know you're scared, but you can't keep following me around like this. I can't afford to lose two jobs in one week. I just can't.
Adrian Monk: Where should I go?
Sharona: It's a beautiful day outside. Why don't you try taking a walk? But you just can't stay here. You're not allowed. You are not a patient.
Adrian Monk: Actually, I haven't been feeling so good.
Sharona: Really?
Adrian Monk: I think I'm may becoming down with something. [coughs] I might have caught what he has.
Sharona: So you want to be admitted?
Adrian Monk: Well...
Sharona: Mm, then I have to take your temperature.
Adrian Monk: Okay. [opens mouth]
Sharona: It's not that kind of thermometer.
Adrian Monk: You know, I think I will take that walk.
Sharona: Thought so.

Quote from Sharona

Captain Stottlemeyer: Your toupee.
Commissioner Brooks: I don't know what you're talking about.
Sharona: Come on, it's a rug. What, are you gonna deny it?
Commissioner Brooks: I don't wear a toupee.
Adrian Monk: It was Paul Harley that was grabbing your hat. Except he wasn't after your hat. He was trying to grab your...
Sharona: Head doily. I can see it from here.
Commissioner Brooks: This is my own hair.
Adrian Monk: You mean you would let a murderer a man who killed two people in cold blood walk because, because you refuse to admit that you're wearing a piece?
Commissioner Brooks: I get it. You're trying to embarrass me in front of the camera.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nobody's trying to embarrass you, commissioner, but I am going to rip that hairpiece off of your head. It is a critical piece of evidence.
Commissioner Brooks: You wouldn't dare.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [to Monk] Are you sure?
Adrian Monk: 100% [Stottlemeyer grabs Brooks' hair] 93-94%. [Stottlemeyer pulls harder] 74%.
Commissioner Brooks: Are you finished? The answer is... yes. You, my friend, are finished in every sense of the word!
Sharona: 74% is good enough for me.
Commissioner Brooks: Aah, get off me, get off me! Get her off me!
[Sharona finally pulls Commissioner Brooks' hair piece off his head]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Sharona said I should start off with a joke to break the ice.
Ms. Lennington: Who's Sharona?
Adrian Monk: My nurse. Do you like Marmaduke?
Ms. Lennington: Who?
Adrian Monk: He's in the comics. He's a dog. But he's big. He's the biggest dog in the world. Today, he got stuck in the doggie door again. And the man said, "At least this time, he's facing the right way." [slight chuckle] You can learn a lot from Marmaduke.
Ms. Lennington: I think I just did.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: For god's sake, Monk, what are you doing here? Okay, look, you can't stay. The commissioner could be here any minute. If he finds you here, we're both out of work.
Adrian Monk: This garage has been cleaned... scrubbed with bleach recently.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, you should see the house. It's like a hospital in there. You could almost live in it.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Captain, we got the prelim on that fire from the hair outlet. Looks like arson.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's what I thought.
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, sir, you were right, again. I don't know how you do it you and your hunches.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, what does the fire marshal have to say?
Lieutenant Disher: Two points of origin. And the test for artificial accelerant came back negative. Uh, positive.
Could I, shall I go back and do that again?
Karen Stottlemeyer: No, that's ok.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Uh, the question is why would anybody torch a wig factory? Does anybody have a motive?
Lieutenant Disher: Probably the owner, for the insurance.
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's an interesting theory, Randy, but, uh, the, uh... The guy's dead, right? He died in the fire.
Lieutenant Disher: Right. I forgot that.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Medical Examiner: Victim is a female caucasian, 20-25 years of age, all four extremities have been severed at a 45-degree angle, posterior to anterior-
Adrian Monk: She's older.
Medical Examiner: Pardon me?
Adrian Monk: She's at least 26. She was raised in one of the Baltic states. Estonia, Latvia, probably Lithuania.
Medical Examiner: Anything else?
Adrian Monk: No, no, that's it. Except the killer was a mountain climber, very experienced, and, uh he's left-handed.
Medical Examiner: You can tell all of that from this?
Adrian Monk: Well, that scar on her upper arm is from a smallpox vaccination. It was common in the Baltic states. They stopped vaccinating in 1978, so she had to have been born before then.
Medical Examiner: What about mountain climber?
Adrian Monk: The fiber rope and the knot. I believe it's called the prusik knot. Mountain climbers use it. And it's tied with the top loop facing right, so of course, he's left-handed.

Quote from Sharona

Head Nurse: It's your friend Mr. Monk. He's here again.
Sharona: Oh, God. Just hold on one sec, okay?
Head Nurse: He's out front. He's been there for an hour.
Sharona: Look, he's having a really tough week, okay? He just lost his job.
Head Nurse: Sharona, you know how I feel about you. You're the best nurse I ever trained, and you're welcome back anytime. But he's out there every day, just sitting there. It's kind of creepy.
Sharona: It's not creepy. He's just sad. And creepy. I guess he's both, okay? I'll go talk to him.

Quote from Dr. Kroger

Adrian Monk: I have a job interview tomorrow.
Dr. Kroger: Really?
Adrian Monk: That's, that's wonderful. It's Sharona's idea. It's at a magazine. They're looking for a fact checker.
Dr. Kroger: Perfect. You excited?
Adrian Monk: I'm scared to death. It's my first job interview in 20 years.
Dr. Kroger: [chuckles] You're going to be fine. You just have to be your... [stops talking]
Adrian Monk: Myself?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Ms. Lennington: Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm fine, thank you. The chair is a little wobbly. You'd think it would bother me, but it doesn't.
Ms. Lennington: Let's see, Adrian Monk. When did you fill this out?
Adrian Monk: Just now in the waiting room.
Ms. Lennington: But it's typed.
Adrian Monk: No, ma'am, I, I used a pencil.
Ms. Lennington: This is the neatest handwriting I've ever seen.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Ms. Lennington: Would you like another chair?
Adrian Monk: No. I'm fine. I'm normal. I'm a normal person.
Ms. Lennington: I see here you worked as a consultant for the police department. That must've been very exciting. Um, have you ever done any fact checking?
Adrian Monk: Um, no, ma'am, unless you count this morning.
Ms. Lennington: What happened this morning?
Adrian Monk: Well, Sharona took me to the library to look at some back issues of your magazine. I found a few mistakes.
Ms. Lennington: Huh. I- Page 32, "the building was decimated."
Adrian Monk: Technically inaccurate. Decimate means "to reduce by 1/10th." Deci-mate.
Ms. Lennington: Wow. And you did all this this morning in the library. How many magazines did you read?
Adrian Monk: One. Just that, just that one.
Ms. Lennington: One.
Adrian Monk: Wow. It's a gift. And, and a curse.
Ms. Lennington: I can see that. Do you have any questions for me?
Adrian Monk: Just, uh, yes. If, if I get the job, will this be my chair?
Ms. Lennington: Not while I'm here.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Did you go on the interview? [Monk nods, then hangs his head] Was it that bad?
Adrian Monk: It was pretty bad.
Sharona: Adrian, I am so sorry. But you know what? The most important thing is that you did it. So don't be so discouraged. I mean, there's a million other jobs out there.
Adrian Monk: [pained] I got the job.
Sharona: What?
Adrian Monk: I start on Monday.
Sharona: $42,000 a year, plus a medical plan? Four weeks paid vacation and a dental plan? You got that on your, on your first interview? How did you do that?
Adrian Monk: I don't know.
Sharona: Did you tell her that Marmaduke joke? [Monk nods] You told her that stupid joke, and now you have a medical plan?
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Wait, wait, wait, you figured out who grabbed the hat?
Adrian Monk: The other case, the big one. The torso murder and the commissioner's hat. They're both connected.
Sharona: They are?
Adrian Monk: Sharona, they're gonna have to rehire me. They're gonna have to. [dances]
Sharona: Adrian, what are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I solved the case!
Sharona: Yeah, I know, but... What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm happy. I'm doing a jig.
Sharona: That's not a jig.
Adrian Monk: What is it, then?
Sharona: You know what? I don't know. And I don't wanna know.
Adrian Monk: I'm back, baby! I'm back!


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