Marci Maven: Oh, you are the greatest detective in the world. You are the greatest detective in the universe. You should have your own show!
Adrian Monk: No. No, I'm...
Marci Maven: You should. You have to promise me something. Will you promise me something? If you ever do get your own show, you have to promise me that you will never change the theme song. Okay?
Adrian Monk: I promise.
Marci Maven: That's the only thing. You promise?
Adrian Monk: Sure. I promise.
Marci Maven: You promise?
Adrian Monk: Good night.
[The original Monk theme tune plays as the credits roll]

Marci Maven: This is my favorite. It's from last summer. See, what I do is I read the articles about you and then I make dioramas of the various cases. This one is "Mr. Monk and the Three Pies."
Adrian Monk: What?!
Marci Maven: When you went to see your brother. That's what I call it.
Adrian Monk: Is that me?
Marci Maven: "Adrian, should we call the captain?" "Not yet, Marci. We need to gather more evidence. Natalie, get the car." "On my way, Mr. Monk."
Natalie: Is that me? It's a troll doll.
Marci Maven: Huh. "Marci, I can't imagine life without you." "Oh, Adrian, I've waited so long..."

Marci Maven: There must be another explanation.
Adrian Monk: Like what, Marci?
Marci Maven: Like, I don't know. I mean, you do it all the time. The police have a theory and they think it's cut and dry. And then you come in and you do your thing. And you get clues and you figure it out. You know, it's like "Mr. Monk and the Astronaut." Or "Mr. Monk Goes Back to School." Oh, remember that one?
Adrian Monk: No! Where are you getting these names?
Natalie: According to the forensic laboratory reports-
Marci Maven: Yeah, well, they're wrong. Okay. They can make mistakes. Maybe it was, uh, a frame-up.
Natalie: [chuckles] They framed your dog?
Marci Maven: [mock chuckle] Yeah, maybe they did frame my dog, Natalie. It's not totally unprecedented. What about "Mr. Monk and the Panic Room"? They tried to frame a monkey, didn't they? See, things aren't always as they seem.
Adrian Monk: That's true.

Adrian Monk: Monogrammed wipe. [picks up tub] Plaster mold? Do not ingest. Marci, when Otto died, did you tell anyone?
Marci Maven: No.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God. Don't turn! Don't- Don't- Don't turn around. I think you were right. He's the guy. And I know how he did it.
Marci Maven: Oh, my gosh. Say, "Here's what happened."
Adrian Monk: He must've been planning this for weeks!
Marci Maven: Say, "Here's what happened"!

Marci Maven: You know, "fan" can mean one thing to you, and then, you know, something completely different to, like, say, judge Harriet Waxman of the Third District Court, you know? And I'll tell you something about Judge Waxman. She's never been in love. So she's shooting from that perspective, you know what I mean?
James Novak: Where did you get all these pictures?
Marci Maven: Oh, do you like them? Yeah, yeah, they're, um... Well, this one is probably my favorite, If I had to pick a favorite. This is actually real. It's not Photoshopped at all. And it's from a case we worked on together, a homicide. It took a lot of clue hugs, but we cracked it.
James Novak: How about that one?
Marci Maven: This one? Okay. Um, this one is another case, but this one wasn't, um... This one wasn't as real.

Clerk: Can I help you?
Marci Maven: This is Adrian Monk. He's gonna be asking you some questions.
Clerk: What about?
Marci Maven: You'll find out. First, there are some ground rules. No coughing, no sneezing. You will not shake his hand. You will not make small talk. Do you understand? Lower that sleeve so it's even with the other one. He's very particular. [Marci centers the clerk's baseball cap] Yes.
Adrian Monk: Have you seen this dog?
Clerk: No.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.

John Ringel: Where's your car, Marci?
Marci Maven: Out front.
John Ringel: I hope you have a full tank. We got a long trip ahead of us.
Adrian Monk: Listen. I have to sit in the front. It's one of my things.
Marci Maven: Yeah, he's got a million "things." I don't know what I was thinking.

Adrian Monk: Marci. What are you doin' here?
Marci Maven: I just came by to thank you. God, that was so crazy of me to confess to murder.
Adrian Monk: What time is it?
Marci Maven: Midnight.
Adrian Monk: Midnight. I'd invite you in, but, uh...
Marci Maven: I make you uncomfortable, don't I? That's okay.
Adrian Monk: No. Listen, I'm sorry about Brad and...
Marci Maven: Oh, I don't even like Brad anymore. Ugh. I'm never seeing his show again. No way. Which is easy to say anyway, 'cause, you know, they canceled it.
Adrian Monk: Well, okay. Good for you. I'm happy for you.
Marci Maven: You know, they told me how you solved the case and everything, Adrian. And I just think you're wonderful.
Adrian Monk: No. Not- Not really.
Marci Maven: Yeah. Really. I started a whole Web site about you. And a newsletter.
Adrian Monk: Don't do that.

Marci Maven: Shoot him.
Adrian Monk: I don't have a gun.
Marci Maven: You did in "Mr. Monk and The Dragon's Lair."
Adrian Monk: The what?!
Marci Maven: Oh, wait. I made that one up. It's called "fan fiction."
John Ringel: I said shut up!

Marci Maven: What is it?
Adrian Monk: It's chew marks. Look!
Marci Maven: Otto! You are amazing! What do you wanna call this case?
Adrian Monk: I don't know! Shut up.
Marci Maven: How about "Mr. Monk is Friggin' Awesome"? How about "Mr. Monk and Marci: The Adventure Begins"?
Adrian Monk: It doesn't matter. Nobody cares about the name. Just shut it.