Captain Stottlemeyer: You gave him your word.
Agent Colmes: The deal's void, Captain.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Let me tell you something, Colmes. Adrian Monk may be afraid of milk and germs and elevators and puppies, but you, you couldn't pack that man's lunch.
Agent Colmes: Uh, that's true, actually. I've seen that man pack a lunch. He's insane. It was great working with you, Captain.

Sharona: Hey, Vince. Vince, you know, you, you don't have to follow us around. If we have something to report back to you, I, I promise we're going to call.
Vince: Uncle Sal told me to keep an eye on you. It's for your own protection.
Adrian Monk: It's a little insulting. I haven't needed a babysitter since I was 19.
Sharona: You had a babysitter when you were 19?
Adrian Monk: Everybody did. It was the late '70s. It was a crazy time.

Adrian Monk: Okay, okay. Here's the thing. I can't have anything taped to my chest.
Agent Colmes: Oh, that's fine. Come here, let me show you this. Uh, you see, these days we can put a transmitter just about anywhere on the human body. We have six options.
Adrian Monk: Number one is out. Number two... Uh, you wouldn't actually shave me there, would you? Okay.
No, thank you. Number three...
Sharona: What if you have to sit down?
Adrian Monk: Right. Good point. Number four... Even if I die, don't let them do number four.
Lieutenant Disher: Number five.
Adrian Monk: I'll do. Okay, I'll, I'll try that.
Sharona: That's only for women.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, right.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. Uh, number six. Number six, I can do that.
Agent Colmes: Number six? Great.
Adrian Monk: Not four.

Lieutenant Disher: Look, I know why you're attracted to him. I get it. You think he's dangerous. Some people think I'm dangerous.
Sharona: Yeah, people driving behind you.

Adrian Monk: You know what? I really think you should talk to your uncle about your nickname. It, it doesn't fit you anymore.
Tony Lucarelli: I thought about it, but Uncle Sal is from another century, you know? He's kind of set in his ways.
Sharona: Yeah.
Tony Lucarelli: I get the feeling Mr. Monk's the same way.
Sharona: Well, he's either from another century or another planet. I can't decide.

Sharona: Where the hell am I supposed to get $900? I haven't even seen a check from my ex in four months.
Adrian Monk: How are we going to get home?
Sharona: Well, I guess we're going to have to walk.
Adrian Monk: We could call a taxi.
Sharona: Taxis cost money. Are you going to pay for it?
Adrian Monk: I guess we'll walk.

Adrian Monk: What's this?
Lieutenant Disher: From the gumball machine. The killers must have ripped it out. [picks up a gumball and eats it]
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, they used it to break the window in the back. That was their only way of escape, because there were two uniforms out front. Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: Hmm? Right. Sorry. Evidence.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes, it's evidence. It's also been on the ground.
Sharona: Yeah, you're dangerous.

Sharona: You know, he asked me out on a date, and, uh I told him I'd think about it.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, you know what kind of man he is.
Sharona: Yeah, but that's what I like about him. Look, I, I know you always want to check out my dates and find out what's wrong with them, but at least with Tony, I already know he's a criminal. I mean, I can't be surprised. I've been surprised enough, you know?
Adrian Monk: Well, as long as that makes sense to you.

Jimmy Lu: 98. No. Sorry. 99.
Adrian Monk: Uh, are you, are you stopping? Are you stopping? You just, you did 99. You can't just stop.
Jimmy Lu: Why not?
Adrian Monk: Well, it's not, it's just... It's not right. Why don't you do one more?
Jimmy Lu: 99 is plenty. 99 is my record.
Sharona: Uh, Mr. Lu, have you ever been to Salvatore's barbershop?
Adrian Monk: Let's just make it an even 100. Come on, one more. One more. Sharona, give him a little boost there.
Sharona: I'm not giving him a boost.
Jimmy Lu: How many can you do, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. But I know this. if I ever did 99, I, I wouldn't stop. I'd dig down, deep down.
Jimmy Lu: All right. I'll do one more. Because you're a friend of Salvatore's. Tell Salvatore I'm sorry about what happened. It's bad business. Bad for everybody.
Adrian Monk: No. No. You just did two. Why did you do that? Now he's gotta do 99 more. Now you have to do 99 more. I'm just... I'm exhausted.

Adrian Monk: What, what are you doing? He just confessed.
Captain Stottlemeyer: He did?
Adrian Monk: Didn't you hear that?
Agent Colmes: No.
Lieutenant Disher: No, we got nothing but static.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Your necktie, what happened to the stain?
Adrian Monk: I finally got it out.
Lieutenant Disher: What did you do to the tie?
Adrian Monk: I washed it, ironed it.
Agent Colmes: Excuse me. Ironed it? Are you insane? That transmitter cost $20,000.
Adrian Monk: But the stain is out.
Lieutenant Disher: Great, great, we blew it.
Adrian Monk: Maybe we can trick him into saying it again.
Agent Colmes: Oh, really? How are we gonna do that?
Adrian Monk: Well, I'll just go back there, sit down, and say... "What?" It might be worth a try.