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‘Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus

204. Mr. Monk Goes to the Circus

Aired July 18, 2003

Monk investigates the murder of a circus ringleader whose ex-wife would be the prime suspect in his acrobatic murder, if only she didn't have a broken foot.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: You okay?
Adrian Monk: I'm not really in my comfort zone here.
Sharona: You have a comfort zone?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I have a comfort zone.
Sharona: I've never seen a comfort zone.
Adrian Monk: It's not very big. It's, uh It's kind of small. I-I don't have a comfort zone.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: My fear is irrational? As opposed to what, your fears?
Adrian Monk: Well, the stuff I'm afraid of is, you know, based on fact.
Sharona: It is?
Adrian Monk: Like germs.
Sharona: Like, uh, crooked paintings? And-And sidewalk cracks? And- And food touching? And the wind?
Adrian Monk: Hey, the wind can kill. Hurricane Edna?
Sharona: Milk?
Adrian Monk: At least they're things people actually encounter. You have to make an appointment to see an elephant. You have to sign up for a safari or something.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Is this a dollop?
Sharona: What?
Adrian Monk: A dollop. It says, "Add one dollop of whipped cream."
Sharona: I don't know. I think a dollop's, like, a teaspoon.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, it doesn't say "teaspoon." It says "dollop."
Sharona: It doesn't matter. It doesn't have to be exact. I- l- It's like a pinch.
Sharona: How many pinches to a dollop?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Well, maybe it's more like a schmear. I think it's three pinches to a schmear. Or, uh... Ah, forget it. Forget it! Let's make something else.
Sharona: What? You're throwing it out?
Adrian Monk: Nobody can make this cocoa. The recipe's impossible.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: She's still not talking to me. She says I don't get it.
Dr. Kroger: Well, I think maybe she's right.
Adrian Monk: What don't I get? I don't understand.
Dr. Kroger: I can't tell you that.
Adrian Monk: You mean, you know, but you won't tell me?
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, you're gonna have to figure this one out for yourself.
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry. Uh... I want to make sure I understand this. I have a problem. You know the answer.
Dr. Kroger: That's right.
Adrian Monk: I'm paying you.
Dr. Kroger: That's right.
Adrian Monk: But you won't tell me.
Dr. Kroger: That's right. Adrian, the answer is inside you.
Adrian Monk: No, Doctor, the answer is inside you. If you told me, I would hear it, and then the answer would be inside me!

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: When I was seven, I went to the zoo. I saw a baby girl fall into the elephant pit.
Adrian Monk: And she was hurt?
Sharona: No, she was fine. They got her out. But it scared me to death. And now, ever since then, whenever I see an elephant, l-l-I freak out, and I start shaking. Can't help it. I hate 'em.
Adrian Monk: [laughs] Oh, brother.
Sharona: What's that supposed to mean?
Adrian Monk: Oh, come on, Sharona. You're not a kid anymore. You just suck it up. We're on a job here. I need you now.
Sharona: What did you just say?
Adrian Monk: I said, I need you.
Sharona: No, no, no, no, no. Before that. Did you just tell me to suck it up?
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona: You know, I can't believe you, Adrian! You have thousands of phobias and quirks that I have to deal with every single day, and I am always there for you! Aren't I? Answer the question! Yes or no?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Sharona: Right! I am. And now I have just one tiny, little problem, and you have the nerve to tell me to suck it up? Don't you have any compassion? You're the most selfish, inconsiderate man I have ever met.
Adrian Monk: Great. Now I'm upset.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Are you all right? You must have been so frightened. See, I'm empathizing with you. I'm putting myself in your shoes.
Sharona: Will you shut up?
Adrian Monk: Okay, now that's you getting annoyed at me because I won't shut up. So I'm... That's me being compassionate and sensitive. I... I feel your pain.
Sharona: Oh, God.
Adrian Monk: I'm feeling your pain.
Sharona: I've created a monster.
Adrian Monk: I hear that. I'm hearing what you're saying.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Sgt. Myers: I can't believe it! Man, we really lucked out. That's Adrian Monk.
Lieutenant Disher: Who?
Sgt. Myers: He's the best crime scene investigator in the department. We studied all his cases at the academy.
Lieutenant Disher: Huh. Really? Never heard of him.
Sgt. Myers: Oh, I can't believe he's here. It's like meeting Mick Jagger. Oh, that's Sharona, his nurse.
Lieutenant Disher: He has a nurse?
Sgt. Myers: When his wife was killed, he didn't leave the house for, like, three and a half years until he met her. Now he can't do anything without her. She's pretty hot, huh?
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, you think so? Hey, maybe they're together.
Sgt. Myers: No. Monk's not with anyone. He's still hung up on his late wife. That's the one case he can't solve. Look at him. Adrian Monk. Oh, he's the man!

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, there. What's your name, son?
Sgt. Myers: Myers.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Officer Myers, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the area.
Sgt. Myers: Me? What did I do?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Nothing. It's your socks. They don't match.
Sgt. Myers: My socks? Wha- I lost one, sir, so l... They're pretty close, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, I couldn't care less about your socks. It's Monk. You're distracting him. He can't concentrate.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Where is the sugar?
Lieutenant Disher: Sugar?
Adrian Monk: Sugar cubes. This bowl's empty. All the other bowls are full.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Right. What's that mean?
Adrian Monk: I... don't know.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: What happened next?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, the getaway. Which is why you're here. I thought this might be right up your alley.
Lieutenant Disher: No pun intended.
Adrian Monk: What pun is that?
Lieutenant Disher: Because of the alley.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Shecky, can I continue?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. For once, the witnesses are all on the same page. They all saw the perp jump to this table and then leaped up to this bar and did a somersault, and then over the valet, runs down the street and makes a left turn down the alley.
Adrian Monk: Is there a circus in town?
Captain Stottlemeyer: [laughing] Circus? Circus? That makes a lot of sense.
Lieutenant Disher: Sir?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah.
Lieutenant Disher: We just got a positive on the victim. He's the master of ceremony at the Dratch and Denby Traveling Circus.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Master of ceremony?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, the ringmaster.
Captain Stottlemeyer: At the circus?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Circus.
Adrian Monk: Circus.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What are you doing? What are you- Don't- Don't touch the horse.
Sharona: Why not?
Adrian Monk: People sit on that. Sweaty circus people. No offense. You want a wipe?
Sharona: Will it make you happy?
Adrian Monk: No. Take a wipe.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Ariana Dakkar: She tried to kill him before, six months ago. But there wasn't enough evidence to indict her.
Sharona: If you knew who did it, why didn't you go to the police?
Adrian Monk: She was afraid. You're not a citizen yet, but you're about to take your naturalization test. She was afraid to draw attention to herself.
Ariana Dakkar: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: That pamphlet in your bag. You're studying the U.S. Constitution, something no citizen would ever do. Good luck, by the way.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: Nikolai Petroff?
Nikolai Petroff: Who's asking?
Lieutenant Disher: This shiny little piece of metal's asking. Are you Nikolai Petroff?
Nikolai Petroff: Are you trying to scare me? Huh? This pussycat weighs a couple hundred pounds. It could rip me apart in a heartbeat. I ain't scared of her. You think I'm scared of you?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Excuse me. You may not be scared of the lieutenant, but you've got plenty of reason to be scared of me. 'Cause I got a little cage like that downtown. It's not much bigger than that, actually. It's not a whole lot friendlier. And if you obstruct my investigation, sir, for one moment further, you're gonna spend some time in it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I'm Adrian Monk. This is my assistant, Sharona. [Sharona is silent] She'll say hello later. I'm... We're... I'm investigating the murder of your ex-husband.
Miss Lovara: Of course. Whatever I can do. [shakes Monk's hand] Wipe.
Sharona: Suck it up.
Adrian Monk: Okay.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I like the ex-wife. You should have seen her. She's cold as ice.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Cold as ice with a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: She's got a bad temper.
Captain Stottlemeyer: A bad temper with a broken foot.
Adrian Monk: You keep coming back to the foot.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, the killer did a somersault and then ran away in front of witnesses.
Adrian Monk: That's precisely why I think it's her. Why else would the killer jump around like that in front of witnesses? There's only one reason, to prove... [Sharona drinks from Monk's water bottle] To prove that she could.
Sharona: Suck it up.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Are you guys all right?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, we're fine.
Sharona: Fine.

Quote from Sharona

Captain Stottlemeyer: You know, when Karen and I were having trouble last year, we went to a marriage counselor guy named Mosely. Decent guy. He didn't help us much, but I'm sure Karen has the number if you'd like...
Sharona: We're not married. And if we ever get married, shoot me.
Adrian Monk: You know who you should never marry? The Elephant Man.
Sharona: I'd marry the Elephant Man before I'd marry you!

Quote from Sharona

Adrian Monk: What are you doing? You don't smoke.
Sharona: Do now.
Adrian Monk: This is a hospital, for God's sake. You can't smoke in here.
Sharona: So? Suck it up.
Adrian Monk: Okay. I'll suck it up.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Miss Lovara: Mr. Monk. Do you mind? I can't open it myself.
Adrian Monk: Can't you?
Miss Lovara: You saw the X-rays. Do you have any other questions?
Adrian Monk: Just one. How did you do it?
Miss Lovara: I like you, Mr. Monk. You appear to be a careful and cautious man. But inside, in your mind, you're like me. You are up there working without a net, risking everything. It is the only way to live. Am I right?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: [answers phone] Hello?
Adrian Monk: It's me, Adrian. Adrian Monk, y-your boss.
Sharona: I know. What do you want?
Adrian Monk: I'm at the circus. I thought that you were gonna meet me here.
Sharona: I told you I was taking the day off.
Adrian Monk: Are allowed to do that?
Sharona: No, so fire me. Please. It'll be my birthday present. Got your flowers.
Adrian Monk: Oh, good. Good.
Sharona: The card was blank.
Adrian Monk: I know. I- I didn't know what to say, so I just I just left it blank. How did you know they were from me?
Sharona: All the same height. And all the flowers have the exact same number of petals on 'em.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Miss Lovara: Don't worry about them. They know how to fall. That's the first thing we learn. You brought your camera, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Oh, sure. I love it here. It's so upbeat.
Miss Lovara: You hate it here. You think I can walk. You're trying to catch me.
Adrian Monk: You're right. I was.
Miss Lovara: You saw the X-rays, Mr. Monk. How can I walk on this? I'm curious. What is your theory?
Adrian Monk: Some people have a very high threshold for pain. They can take it.
Miss Lovara: Nice try. But any doctor will tell you it's impossible. Besides, I was married to Sergei for 15 years. It's enough pain for a lifetime.
Adrian Monk: You fell two weeks ago, is that right?
Miss Lovara: Mmm. Your point?
Adrian Monk: Your cast. Looks... Looks like new. No scuff marks. It's not even discolored.
Miss Lovara: Again, nice try. My old one was itching.
Adrian Monk: Ah.
Miss Lovara: So I put a new one on four days ago. The show is about to begin, you are missing it.
Adrian Monk: You're wrong, Natasia. I'm not missing a thing.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Cannonball: Are you guys about done?
Lieutenant Disher: Sir, could you please step back? This is official police business.
Cannonball: Maybe I should come to your office and root through your stuff. How'd you like that? Huh?
Lieutenant Disher: I hate that cannonball.

Quote from Sharona

Benjy: I'm gonna go play some video games.
Adrian Monk: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Don't forget about your bike. If you don't do it, your mom's gonna have to do it. Just give her a break.
Benjy: Okay.
Sharona: What did you say?
Adrian Monk: Noth- Nothing.
Sharona: No. No, no, no. Don't be scared. It was good. You said, "Let's give her a break." That was empathy. That means you're thinking about how I felt. I think you're getting it now.
Adrian Monk: I am. So, we're back to where we were?
Sharona: No. But it's a start.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Fine. I'll do it.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, maybe you should do it. You mind if I sit down?
Sharona: What do you want in your cocoa?
Adrian Monk: Do you have any of those little marshmallows?
Sharona: How many? Ten?
Adrian Monk: Eight. I'll have eight. Eight's good. Make it eight.
Sharona: Here.
Adrian Monk: One...
Sharona: There's eight. You don't have to count.
Adrian Monk: Four, five, six...

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: This isn't only about Sergei, ma'am. You're also the suspect in the murder of Edgar Heinz, the elephant trainer.
Miss Lovara: Don't be ridiculous. That was an accident. Tragic.
Adrian Monk: No. It was homicide, premeditated, and we have the murder weapon right here. Lieutenant! You waited for Mr. Heinz to put his head under Dede's foot. And then you gave the command for the elephant to stomp. She is well trained, weighs over four tons. A perfect killing machine.
Sharona: Adrian, Adrian. I got to go. Just tell me what happened. Tell me what-
Miss Lovara: But I was nowhere near the pen when it happened.
Adrian Monk: That's true. You weren't there. You gave the command from across the midway over a walkie-talkie. Lieutenant, could you check behind the elephant's ear?
Lieutenant Disher: Got it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Careful with that, Randy. We need the prints.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Why kill Edgar Heinz? Well, you had no choice. He knew that you had murdered your ex-husband that Monday night. [A clown appears behind Monk]
Miss Lovara: Mr. Monk, you are demented.
Adrian Monk: Nevertheless, you did it. [to the clown] Excuse me. I'm- I'm summing up the case here.
Miss Lovara: The killer ran away. My foot is broken. You saw the X-ray.
Adrian Monk: All week I've been asking the wrong question. I've been asking if your foot was broken. I should have been asking when your foot was broken. It's true. You fell during a show two weeks ago. But it wasn't an accident. You said it yourself the first thing you learn is how to fall. I'm guessing it was one of the best performances of your life, Natasia. And your fear of hospitals came in quite handy. There was no X-ray. Everyone just accepted the fact that your foot was broken. [to the clown] What is your problem?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, clown. Take a walk.
Adrian Monk: The night of the murder, you slipped out of your cast and followed your ex-husband and his girlfriend. You waited until they were in a crowded restaurant. You needed witnesses to see you running. That was the key to your plan. I wasn't there, but I heard you were dazzling. You really are the Queen of the Sky.
Miss Lovara: An interesting theory, Mr. Monk. Perhaps you'd like to X-ray my foot again.
Adrian Monk: No need for that. I'm quite sure it really is broken.
Miss Lovara: Good.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Now. You knew you'd be a suspect, and you knew that we'd want an X-ray.
Adrian Monk: It's not an easy thing to do breaking your own foot. After the murder, you came back here. It was late. Everyone was sleeping. Everyone except Dede's trainer. His trailer was right there. He probably woke up and looked outside. Can't somebody do something about this clown?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, I'm a police officer. Knock it off. Go ahead.
Miss Lovara: Like Tolstoy, you know how to tell a clever story. But you need proof. The elephant isn't talking. Anyone could have put that radio thing in her ear.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, take that down to the laboratory straightaway.
Adrian Monk: I don't think they'll find any prints. She's too smart. I'm sure she wiped it down. Then again, that walkie looks brand new. Which means she had to put batteries in it. You did remember to wipe your prints off the batteries, didn't you, Natasia?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Clown: Wocka wocka!
Captain Stottlemeyer: All right. That's it, freak! You're under arrest.
Clown: For what?
Captain Stottlemeyer: For impersonating an officer!

Quote from Sharona

Adrian Monk: I think I stepped in something.
Sharona: Where?
Adrian Monk: It's right here.
Sharona: I don't see anything.
Adrian Monk: I definitely stepped in something. I have to go home.
Sharona: We just got here.
Adrian Monk: I want to go home.
Sharona: Just suck it up.
Adrian Monk: I don't think it's my turn to suck it up. I think it's your turn to suck it up.
Benjy: Hey, why don't you both suck it up?
Sharona: Excuse me. Do you kiss your mom with that mouth?
Benjy: No.
Sharona: You should. Come here.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: A leopard and panther wrangler?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep. He works with the leopards and the panthers, and he's got a. 454 Ruger Casull handgun, which he says he can't find.
Lieutenant Disher: He had the hots for the horse trainer the vic was seeing. And get this, he's a trapeze artist wannabe. He's been practicing. They say he's pretty good.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And that's how we spell "primary suspect."
Adrian Monk: Hmm. He's left-handed.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, yeah. He works in the circus.
Adrian Monk: What's that supposed to mean?
Captain Stottlemeyer: They're freaks. They're all ambidextrous.
Adrian Monk: Says who?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Circus people are ambidextrous. I read that somewhere.


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