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‘Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy

208. Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy

Aired August 15, 2003

Monk suspects a playboy killed the executive who about to pull the plug on his raunchy magazine.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Diane Luden: Oh. That was from last year. They ran a profile on Elliott in the magazine. Page 53.
Adrian Monk: Page 53. [opens magazine, immediately shuts it] Five-three. Five-three. [opens magazine, once again shuts it, groans]
Diane Luden: Are you a religious man, Mr. Monk?
Sharona: He is now.
Adrian Monk: [drops magazine] Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe.

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Quote from Sharona

Sharona: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Uh, the sign in front of that hotel they misspelled "Kiwanis."
Sharona: You mean that sign five blocks away? What, you want me to go down there and have them fix it?
Adrian Monk: No. No, you don't have to do that. Maybe we could call them.
Sharona: [closes the blinds] There. Sign's fixed.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sapphire Girl: Hello. You wanna take me home?
Adrian Monk: I can't. I don't have a driver's license. I-I mean I have one, technically, but I hardly ever use it. I have trouble with the left turns. And the right turns. Turning. And yielding. Turning and yielding.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Look at that. There's a mirror above the bed. Why would he need a mirror on the ceiling?
Sharona: Don't think about that now. Not now.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dexter Larsen: Gentlemen, this is Amber Post, our Sapphire Girl of the Month and perhaps our Sapphire Girl of the Year. Uh, Amber, sweetheart, these gentlemen are from the police, and they're wondering where I was on Sunday morning.
Amber: Oh. Well, would you like me to go into detail?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I think that would be best.
Adrian Monk: No! No, no. No, no. Don't- No details. Just the big, vague, general picture.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Dexter Larsen: You know, Mr. Monk, I would love to answer all of your questions, but, right now, I am late for a tee time. But I have a private golf course out back. Some friends are coming by. Mr. Monk, do you play golf?
Adrian Monk: No, I don't play.
Lieutenant Disher: I play golf.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant Disher does not play golf. Lieutenant Disher is still on duty.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Not too much off the top. Just an eighth of an inch.
Sharona: I know.
Adrian Monk: Okay. I- I wanna look rugged, but not too macho.
Sharona: Don't worry. You're not gonna look too macho.
Adrian Monk: It's a little long. You know, this was not in my job description.
Sharona: What happened to your regular barber?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Every time I go there, it's closed.
Sharona: I wonder why.
Adrian Monk: Last time I went, I thought I saw him in the back room, but I guess it couldn't have been him. See? You're- You're still long. You see that? That's three-sixteenths.
Sharona: Adrian, these are very sharp scissors. Don't piss me off.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: [answers phone] Adrian Monk's office. Uh-huh. [to Monk] It's a job. Yeah. 10:00 tomorrow is fine.
Adrian Monk: Make it 11:30. It's trash day.

Quote from Sharona

Diane Luden: Mr. Monk? And you- You must be Sharona. Oh, thank you for coming. I'm Diane Luden. I am- I was Elliott D'Souza's assistant.
[After Diane shakes Monk's hand, Sharona hands him a wipe]
Diane Luden: I'm sorry. Wasn't I supposed to shake hands? You're the first private detective I ever met.
Sharona: Oh, no. Don't worry. It's not you. It's him.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: I gave her your name. I figured you'd collect a nice payday after you convinced her she was crazy.
Adrian Monk: Actually, I think she might be onto something.
Sharona: We'd like to look at the official file.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, there is no D'Souza case. It was an accident. The barbell slipped, crushed his trachea.
Lieutenant Disher: He was alone in his apartment on the 35th floor.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Lieutenant Disher: There was only one way up. It was a private elevator. Nobody else used it.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The apartment was locked from the inside.
Adrian Monk: I know.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: Sapphire Mansion. I've never been. Have you ever been?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Once. Ten years ago.
Sharona: Did your wife find out?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. I told her. In therapy. We were playing the honesty game.
Lieutenant Disher: Red Roof Inn?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep. This was before they built the new lobby.
Lieutenant Disher: You know, Captain, I think Monk might be onto something here. Maybe we should tag along.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant, I think you might be right.
Sharona: Oh, God.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, I'm married. I'm not dead.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: What's this about?
Lieutenant Disher: That is how Dex got started. This is his first magazine. He almost went bankrupt, and then one day he put Miss Transistor on the cover. And voila.
Adrian Monk: Voila?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah. He renamed it Sapphire magazine, dropped all the electronic stuff. The rest is history.
Sharona: Silicone and air-brushed women?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, it's a kind of history.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Dexter Larsen: This is it, guys. This is the room where I get 99% of my inspiration.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, my God. We're really here. We're in his bedroom. Pinch me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
Lieutenant Disher: I didn't I didn't mean literally pinch me. It's a figure...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, shut up. We're done talking about pinching.

Quote from Sharona

Dexter Larsen: Sharona Fleming, this is Shawn Clemmons. Won the Calico Beach Classic last week in Santa Barbara.
Sharona: Hi.
Dexter Larsen: And this is Danny Bonaduce.
Danny Bonaduce: Yeah. This is a dream come true for you. Am I right?
Sharona: Uh, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah.
Danny Bonaduce: Yeah. I like this girl.
Dexter Larsen: Oh, I, uh, see you brought your caddie.
Adrian Monk: I hope you don't mind if I tag along. It's a beautiful day for a walk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Give me a three.
Adrian Monk: I think we start with one.
Sharona: No, no, no. It's too much club. I need a three-wood. Give me a three.
Adrian Monk: Let's start with the one and then the two and then the three. It's better. Just go in order.
Sharona: You don't know what you're talking about. Give me the three.
Adrian Monk: I c-can't. I can't.
Sharona: Okay. Give me the one.
Adrian Monk: Now you're talkin'.
Sharona: Give me the two.
Adrian Monk: Comin' up.
Sharona: [throws the two clubs away] This is the first club now. Okay?
Adrian Monk: Was that so hard?
Sharona: Yeah.

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