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‘Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy

208. Mr. Monk Meets the Playboy

Aired August 15, 2003

Monk suspects a playboy killed the executive who about to pull the plug on his raunchy magazine.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Diane Luden: Oh. That was from last year. They ran a profile on Elliott in the magazine. Page 53.
Adrian Monk: Page 53. [opens magazine, immediately shuts it] Five-three. Five-three. [opens magazine, once again shuts it, groans]
Diane Luden: Are you a religious man, Mr. Monk?
Sharona: He is now.
Adrian Monk: [drops magazine] Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe.

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Quote from Sharona

Sharona: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Uh, the sign in front of that hotel they misspelled "Kiwanis."
Sharona: You mean that sign five blocks away? What, you want me to do down there and have them fix it?
Adrian Monk: No. No, you don't have to do that. Maybe we could call them.
Sharona: [closes the blinds] There. Sign's fixed.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sapphire Girl: Hello. You wanna take me home?
Adrian Monk: I can't. I don't have a driver's license. I-I mean I have one, technically, but I hardly ever use it. I have trouble with the left turns. And the right turns. Turning. And yielding. Turning and yielding.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Look at that. There's a mirror above the bed. Why would he need a mirror on the ceiling?
Sharona: Don't think about that now. Not now.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Not too much off the top. Just an eighth of an inch.
Sharona: I know.
Adrian Monk: Okay. I- I wanna look rugged, but not too macho.
Sharona: Don't worry. You're not gonna look too macho.
Adrian Monk: It's a little long. You know, this was not in my job description.
Sharona: What happened to your regular barber?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Every time I go there, it's closed.
Sharona: I wonder why.
Adrian Monk: Last time I went, I thought I saw him in the back room, but I guess it couldn't have been him. See? You're- You're still long. You see that? That's three-sixteenths.
Sharona: Adrian, these are very sharp scissors. Don't piss me off.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: [answers phone] Adrian Monk's office. Uh-huh. [to Monk] It's a job. Yeah. 10:00 tomorrow is fine.
Adrian Monk: Make it 11:30. It's trash day.

Quote from Sharona

Diane Luden: Mr. Monk? And you- You must be Sharona. Oh, thank you for coming. I'm Diane Luden. I am- I was Elliott D'Souza's assistant.
[After Diane shakes Monk's hand, Sharona hands him a wipe]
Diane Luden: I'm sorry. Wasn't I supposed to shake hands? You're the first private detective I ever met.
Sharona: Oh, no. Don't worry. It's not you. It's him.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: I gave her your name. I figured you'd collect a nice payday after you convinced her she was crazy.
Adrian Monk: Actually, I think she might be onto something.
Sharona: We'd like to look at the official file.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, there is no D'Souza case. It was an accident. The barbell slipped, crushed his trachea.
Lieutenant Disher: He was alone in his apartment on the 35th floor.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Lieutenant Disher: There was only one way up. It was a private elevator. Nobody else used it.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: The apartment was locked from the inside.
Adrian Monk: I know.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Lieutenant Disher: Sapphire Mansion. I've never been. Have you ever been?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Once. Ten years ago.
Sharona: Did your wife find out?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. I told her. In therapy. We were playing the honesty game.
Lieutenant Disher: Red Roof Inn?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep. This was before they built the new lobby.
Lieutenant Disher: You know, Captain, I think Monk might be onto something here. Maybe we should tag along.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant, I think you might be right.
Sharona: Oh, God.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, I'm married. I'm not dead.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Adrian Monk: What's this about?
Lieutenant Disher: That is how Dex got started. This is his first magazine. He almost went bankrupt, and then one day he put Miss Transistor on the cover. And voila.
Adrian Monk: Voila?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah. He renamed it Sapphire magazine, dropped all the electronic stuff. The rest is history.
Sharona: Silicone and air-brushed women?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, it's a kind of history.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Dexter Larsen: This is it, guys. This is the room where I get 99% of my inspiration.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, my God. We're really here. We're in his bedroom. Pinch me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.
Lieutenant Disher: I didn't I didn't mean literally pinch me. It's a figure...
Captain Stottlemeyer: Randy, shut up. We're done talking about pinching.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dexter Larsen: Gentlemen, this is Amber Post, our Sapphire Girl of the Month and perhaps our Sapphire Girl of the Year. Uh, Amber, sweetheart, these gentlemen are from the police, and they're wondering where I was on Sunday morning.
Amber: Oh. Well, would you like me to go into detail?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I think that would be best.
Adrian Monk: No! No, no. No, no. Don't- No details. Just the big, vague, general picture.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Dexter Larsen: You know, Mr. Monk, I would love to answer all of your questions, but, right now, I am late for a tee time. But I have a private golf course out back. Some friends are coming by. Mr. Monk, do you play golf?
Adrian Monk: No, I don't play.
Lieutenant Disher: I play golf.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant Disher does not play golf. Lieutenant Disher is still on duty.

Quote from Sharona

Dexter Larsen: Sharona Fleming, this is Shawn Clemmons. Won the Calico Beach Classic last week in Santa Barbara.
Sharona: Hi.
Dexter Larsen: And this is Danny Bonaduce.
Danny Bonaduce: Yeah. This is a dream come true for you. Am I right?
Sharona: Uh, yeah. Absolutely. Yeah.
Danny Bonaduce: Yeah. I like this girl.
Dexter Larsen: Oh, I, uh, see you brought your caddie.
Adrian Monk: I hope you don't mind if I tag along. It's a beautiful day for a walk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Give me a three.
Adrian Monk: I think we start with one.
Sharona: No, no, no. It's too much club. I need a three-wood. Give me a three.
Adrian Monk: Let's start with the one and then the two and then the three. It's better. Just go in order.
Sharona: You don't know what you're talking about. Give me the three.
Adrian Monk: I c-can't. I can't.
Sharona: Okay. Give me the one.
Adrian Monk: Now you're talkin'.
Sharona: Give me the two.
Adrian Monk: Comin' up.
Sharona: [throws the two clubs away] This is the first club now. Okay?
Adrian Monk: Was that so hard?
Sharona: Yeah.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: How did you do it?
Dexter Larsen: You mean how did I, uh, rise from humble beginnings to achieve all of this?
Adrian Monk: No. No, I mean how did you murder Elliott D'Souza?
Dexter Larsen: What are you talking about? There was no murder. Elliott was alone. The door was locked.
Adrian Monk: Right. How did you do it?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dexter Larsen: You've taken a great interest in me, and the truth is I've taken an interest in you too and your friend, Sharona. May I show you something? My research staff is first-rate. She must have been 19, maybe 20. You know what? Th-That's That's my favorite age. Hungry, with no inhibitions. These were taken in Atlantic City. She was using a different name, but my lawyers assure me that the release that she signed is solid. I can publish them anytime I want.
Adrian Monk: What kind of man are you?
Dexter Larsen: I told you on the golf course, Mr. Monk. I do not lose. Now, Sharona, she has a son. How old is he now?
Adrian Monk: He's 12.
Dexter Larsen: Twelve. That's an impressionable age. I think we understand each other, don't we? Any more questions about what happened to Elliott?
Adrian Monk: No.
Dexter Larsen: You can let yourself out.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Amber: I told you. Dexter and I were in bed all night and all morning. He never left the room.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay. We know it wasn't your earring. Why did you lie about that?
Amber: I thought it was mine. I made a mistake.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Amber, why are you protecting him?
Amber: I wouldn't do that. I don't lie.
Lieutenant Disher: You don't lie, huh? Well, in your pictorial, you never mentioned having a kid. And you said you live on a farm.
Amber: Well, this may come as a shock to you, Lieutenant, but those profiles, they're completely made-up.

Quote from Sharona

Adrian Monk: He... He had some pictures.
Sharona: What kind of pictures?
Adrian Monk: Compromising pictures.
Sharona: What, he's blackmailing you? With what? You never did anything. What, he's got pictures of you with your shirt not tucked in? That's ridiculous.
Adrian Monk: Not of me.
Sharona: Well, who then? What, me? Oh, my God. From Atlantic City. I... Adrian. Benjy was one, and l... I was just so desperate.
Adrian Monk: He's gonna publish them if we don't walk away.
Sharona: Did you see them?
Adrian Monk: What?
Sharona: Did you see those photos?
Adrian Monk: [long, nervous pause] No. [turns away] Yes.
Sharona: Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Do we have a plan?
Sharona: Yeah. The plan is, we find Dexter Larsen and kill him.
Adrian Monk: Do we have a Plan "B"?
Sharona: I told you you didn't have to come. This is between me and Dexter.
Adrian Monk: All right. Just... Just don't kill him. That would be so wrong.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Are you a friend of Dexter's?
Noelle: I am a ghost of Sapphire Girls past.
Adrian Monk: What year?
Noelle: 1985. If you have any back issues in your garage? You can look me up.
Adrian Monk: No. I I don't have a garage.
Noelle: It seems like a lifetime ago. Not- Not that I'm complaining. Dexter has been very good to me. He bought me an apartment, sent me to Europe on a promotional tour. So, uh, is your wife here?
Adrian Monk: I'm not married.
Noelle: You're wearing a ring.
Adrian Monk: She passed away. I can't take it off yet.
Noelle: I'm sorry. When did she die?
Adrian Monk: Six years ago.

Quote from Sharona

Dexter Larsen: You like it? This is my first workbench. I had them move it here from Cincinnati. And that's how I started out. I was experimenting, tinkering. I was a nerd, publishing my little electronics magazine. I was the kind of guy that a woman like you never talked to.
Sharona: You still are.
Dexter Larsen: If you're here to beg, you're not off to a very promising start. And if you're here to threaten me, you can save your breath, because that release you signed is airtight.
Sharona: I have a kid.
Dexter Larsen: Then keep your friend, Mr. Monk, out of my face.
Sharona: Okay, you listen to me, you twisted, porn-peddling freak. If you print those pictures, you're gonna hurt my son. You hurt my son, I'm comin' after you. And I am gonna dedicate my life to ruining yours.
Dexter Larsen: Yeah, well, take a number.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: "Hold me, Adrian, my darling husband, true love's touch so rare a gift. How much more precious is your caress, who loves so deeply yet fears the warmth of hand on hand. Still, your love is given free only to me, only to me." That was- That was the last poem she ever wrote.
Party Guy: Anyone want to jump in the pool?
Sapphire Girl #1: I just wanna go home.
Sapphire Girl #2: Me too.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: You know how sometimes you make a mistake and you mess up, but you know I still love you anyway?
Benjy: Yeah.
Sharona: Yeah, well, sometimes mommies make mistakes too. And when you were a baby, I made a very big one.
Benjy: What kind of mistake?
Sharona: I can't tell you.
Benjy: What, did you kill a guy?
Sharona: No, I didn't kill anybody. But somebody took pictures of me makin' this mistake.
Benjy: What kind of pictures? [off Sharona's look] Oh.
Sharona: Benjy, the reason why I'm telling you this is because we're workin' on a case, and somebody is threatening to print these pictures if we don't let him go.
Benjy: Is he a bad guy?
Sharona: A very bad guy. Now, I had to tell you this because, if they ever got published, you're gonna hear about it in school. How do you feel about this?
Benjy: I don't know.
Sharona: Honey. I was really trying to make a better life for us.
Benjy: Mom, you can't let somebody get away just because I might have a bad day at school.
Sharona: Have I told you how much I love you?
Benjy: Not since lunch. You know, I'm missing my show.
Sharona: One hour.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: I never realized how strong an electromagnet like that could be. I'm told that one can lift a car. With your background in electronics, building a device like this was child's play. You needed a car battery. You borrowed one from your own Mercedes the night before the murder. You couldn't risk driving one of your own cars, so you took Mr. Bonaduce's keys and borrowed his. And since you had found Noelle Winters's apartment for her, you had copies of all her keys. You knew the apartment was empty because you had sent Ms. Winters to Europe. Now you were where you wanted to be directly below Elliott D'Souza's penthouse, right under his private gym. You knew Elliott worked out every morning. You could hear the weights clanging through the ceiling. You phoned him to make sure he was in position. And then you killed him... Without ever setting foot in the room. That's why the computer disk was erased and the clock was a little off. I knew there was something wrong with that room. Everything was turned around. The pens and the stapler, they were all facing the same way.


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