Diane Luden: Oh. That was from last year. They ran a profile on Elliott in the magazine. Page 53.
Adrian Monk: Page 53. [opens magazine, immediately shuts it] Five-three. Five-three. [opens magazine, once again shuts it, groans]
Diane Luden: Are you a religious man, Mr. Monk?
Sharona: He is now.
Adrian Monk: [drops magazine] Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe. Wipe.

Sharona: You okay?
Adrian Monk: Uh, the sign in front of that hotel they misspelled "Kiwanis."
Sharona: You mean that sign five blocks away? What, you want me to go down there and have them fix it?
Adrian Monk: No. No, you don't have to do that. Maybe we could call them.
Sharona: [closes the blinds] There. Sign's fixed.

Sapphire Girl: Hello. You wanna take me home?
Adrian Monk: I can't. I don't have a driver's license. I-I mean I have one, technically, but I hardly ever use it. I have trouble with the left turns. And the right turns. Turning. And yielding. Turning and yielding.

Adrian Monk: Look at that. There's a mirror above the bed. Why would he need a mirror on the ceiling?
Sharona: Don't think about that now. Not now.

Adrian Monk: Are you a friend of Dexter's?
Noelle: I am a ghost of Sapphire Girls past.
Adrian Monk: What year?
Noelle: 1985. If you have any back issues in your garage? You can look me up.
Adrian Monk: No. I I don't have a garage.
Noelle: It seems like a lifetime ago. Not- Not that I'm complaining. Dexter has been very good to me. He bought me an apartment, sent me to Europe on a promotional tour. So, uh, is your wife here?
Adrian Monk: I'm not married.
Noelle: You're wearing a ring.
Adrian Monk: She passed away. I can't take it off yet.
Noelle: I'm sorry. When did she die?
Adrian Monk: Six years ago.

Dexter Larsen: Gentlemen, this is Amber Post, our Sapphire Girl of the Month and perhaps our Sapphire Girl of the Year. Uh, Amber, sweetheart, these gentlemen are from the police, and they're wondering where I was on Sunday morning.
Amber: Oh. Well, would you like me to go into detail?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I think that would be best.
Adrian Monk: No! No, no. No, no. Don't- No details. Just the big, vague, general picture.

Dexter Larsen: You know, Mr. Monk, I would love to answer all of your questions, but, right now, I am late for a tee time. But I have a private golf course out back. Some friends are coming by. Mr. Monk, do you play golf?
Adrian Monk: No, I don't play.
Lieutenant Disher: I play golf.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Lieutenant Disher does not play golf. Lieutenant Disher is still on duty.

Adrian Monk: Not too much off the top. Just an eighth of an inch.
Sharona: I know.
Adrian Monk: Okay. I- I wanna look rugged, but not too macho.
Sharona: Don't worry. You're not gonna look too macho.
Adrian Monk: It's a little long. You know, this was not in my job description.
Sharona: What happened to your regular barber?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Every time I go there, it's closed.
Sharona: I wonder why.
Adrian Monk: Last time I went, I thought I saw him in the back room, but I guess it couldn't have been him. See? You're- You're still long. You see that? That's three-sixteenths.
Sharona: Adrian, these are very sharp scissors. Don't piss me off.

Sharona: [answers phone] Adrian Monk's office. Uh-huh. [to Monk] It's a job. Yeah. 10:00 tomorrow is fine.
Adrian Monk: Make it 11:30. It's trash day.

Diane Luden: Mr. Monk? And you- You must be Sharona. Oh, thank you for coming. I'm Diane Luden. I am- I was Elliott D'Souza's assistant.
[After Diane shakes Monk's hand, Sharona hands him a wipe]
Diane Luden: I'm sorry. Wasn't I supposed to shake hands? You're the first private detective I ever met.
Sharona: Oh, no. Don't worry. It's not you. It's him.