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‘Mr. Monk and the TV Star’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the TV Star

212. Mr. Monk and the TV Star

Aired January 30, 2004

Monk is convinced the popular star of a TV cop show killed his wife, even though he was filmed talking to the press as the murder happened. Even as Monk insists the actor is guilty, attention turns to an obsessed fan, Marci Maven (guest star Sarah Silverman).

Quote from Marci Maven

Marci Maven: Oh, you are the greatest detective in the world. You are the greatest detective in the universe. You should have your own show!
Adrian Monk: No. No, I'm...
Marci Maven: You should. You have to promise me something. Will you promise me something? If you ever do get your own show, you have to promise me that you will never change the theme song. Okay?
Adrian Monk: I promise.
Marci Maven: That's the only thing. You promise?
Adrian Monk: Sure. I promise.
Marci Maven: You promise?
Adrian Monk: Good night.
[The original Monk theme tune plays as the credits roll]

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Script Supervisor: He used a different finger. It won't cut together.
Director: Oh, you're right. Uh, Brad. Brad, listen. Make sure you use your right pinkie, okay?
Brad Terry: Yeah. Sorry. No problem.
Adrian Monk: Excuse me. I noticed something else. The second time, the lights on the van were off.
Script Supervisor: Oh. He's right. I missed that one. Carl. Your lights.
Adrian Monk: And, uh, this... This- This gentleman in the brown shirt by the pizza place, he, uh, the first time, both his socks were pulled all the way up. But the second time, one was down. And, uh, you, sir... Sir? Your umbrella handle was turned, uh, this way. And, uh, you... Sir, you... You were holding your coffee cup with your pinkie extended. Not- Not- Not that much. Not that much. And her sweater- Her sweater was buttoned up, you know, all the way. And, uh, she looked at her watch like this the first time. And he- He scratched his elbow, and her straw was bent a little more.
Director: Thank you, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: Her zipper on her bag was all the way up.
Director: You're a very observant man, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: I don't think there's anything you can do about the bird, but, on the first take...
Director: It's okay. It doesn't have to be perfect, Mr. Monk!

Quote from Marci Maven

Adrian Monk: Marci. What are you doin' here?
Marci Maven: I just came by to thank you. God, that was so crazy of me to confess to murder.
Adrian Monk: What time is it?
Marci Maven: Midnight.
Adrian Monk: Midnight. I'd invite you in, but, uh...
Marci Maven: I make you uncomfortable, don't I? That's okay.
Adrian Monk: No. Listen, I'm sorry about Brad and...
Marci Maven: Oh, I don't even like Brad anymore. Ugh. I'm never seeing his show again. No way. Which is easy to say anyway, 'cause, you know, they canceled it.
Adrian Monk: Well, okay. Good for you. I'm happy for you.
Marci Maven: You know, they told me how you solved the case and everything, Adrian. And I just think you're wonderful.
Adrian Monk: No. Not- Not really.
Marci Maven: Yeah. Really. I started a whole Web site about you. And a newsletter.
Adrian Monk: Don't do that.

Quote from Marci Maven

Marci Maven: This is a petition to get the old theme song back. They changed the theme song.
Sharona: Oh, my God! I hate that new theme song.
Marci Maven: Me too. God, the show was perfect. It was perfection, right?
Sharona: It was. It was... It was perfect.
Marci Maven: Why can't they just leave shows alone?
Sharona: I don't know.
Marci Maven: But tell Brad this is from Marci. That is me. "M" for Marci.
Sharona: "Marci." Okay.
Marci Maven: Yeah. He- He knows me, so...

Quote from Sharona

Adrian Monk: A camera, Sharona? He's a murder suspect.
Sharona: Brad Terry didn't kill anybody.
Adrian Monk: How do you know? Because he plays a nice guy on TV.
Sharona: Tony Danza never killed anybody. Mister Rogers never killed anybody.
Adrian Monk: I'm not saying every actor is a murderer. I'm saying this actor might be a murderer.
Sharona: Do I have to agree with you on every case? Is that, like, a rule?
Adrian Monk: No.
Sharona: Well, you're wrong. He didn't do it.

Quote from Sharona

Adrian Monk: What really happened here? They went outside together for a minute. She comes back in alone. You be Susan.
Sharona: Great. So I'm the victim again? I think you enjoy stabbing and shooting me.
Adrian Monk: No, I don't enjoy it, but it's my job.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: What was the fight about?
Dustin Sheers: Nothing. I said I'd never seen his show, and he flipped out. He jumps over the bar. He starts going postal on me.
Adrian Monk: [noticing two bottles] Excuse me. I'll have some of that scotch.
Dustin Sheers: It's 20 bucks.
Adrian Monk: No, not the whole bottle. Just a glass.
Dustin Sheers: Yeah. Twenty bucks. It's the best in the house.
Sharona: What are you doing? You don't drink. [sees the bottles] Oh, I get it. You're gonna waste $20 to make them even. Great. Oh, my God.
Adrian Monk: [to the man next to him] You want this?
Man: Sure.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Brad Terry: The door was locked from the inside. The hooker must have come in through the fire escape.
Lee: Minute traces of blood over here.
J: Rusty?
Brad Terry: Over here. What do you got, J.?
J: It looks like a fiber.
Adrian Monk: [to Sharona] What planet are they supposed to be on?
Sharona: Ssh.
Brad Terry: J, don't touch it. Lee, get the spectroscope.
Adrian Monk: What the hell is that?
Sharona: A spectroscope. It's how they solve the crimes. We should get one.
Adrian Monk: Why don't we get two? Then we can solve 'em twice as fast.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: I don't know. Sharona and I saw her a half an hour after the murder. There was no blood on her shirt.
Lieutenant Disher: She explained that. She said she went back to her car and changed.
Adrian Monk: What happened to the bloody clothes? Where are they?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, we have a confession. A confession trumps a missing blouse.
Lieutenant Disher: Plus, a videotape puts Brad Terry in the front yard during the attack.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And also we have a confession.
Sharona: And he passed a polygraph test.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And did I mention we have a confession?

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

[on editing room screen:]
Brad Terry: There's a reason the coroner couldn't find a bullet in her body. There was no bullet to find.
Lee: At least no ordinary bullet.
Brad Terry: You killed the hooker with a bullet made from your own frozen blood. Isn't that right, Senator? Here's what happened. All you needed was an ounce of your blood. You poured it into a .38-caliber mold and froze it. The rest was easy. You left the fund-raiser at 7:00. You shot the hooker. Then you waited for the blood bullet to dissolve.
Senator: Well, you can't prove any of this.
Brad Terry: Oh, I think we can.
[reality:]
Brad Terry: I think it's fine. I think the gunshot could be louder.
Editor: I can do louder.
Captain Stottlemeyer: This is my favorite part where everybody stands around and you sum up the case.
Brad Terry: Yeah. Me too. Thanks.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to Mr. Monk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: As Special Agent Rusty Clark would say, "Here's what happened." Last week, you came in here alone after hours. It was easy to transfer Susan's scream from the slasher film onto the exercise video. The morning of the murder, you smashed some glass on the rear door to make it look like somebody broke in. You hid a knife near the front door where you could grab it quickly. Then you replaced her exercise video with the one you doctored, and the stage was set. As you planned, the press was out front, and you made sure they saw Susan alive as you left the house. You recorded the audio low intentionally, because you needed her to turn the volume all the way up.
Sharona: The press thought you were going in to help her, but you were going in to kill her.
Adrian Monk: You only had a few seconds, but it was all you needed.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good work, Mr. Monk.
Sharona: And he did it without a spectroscope.
Lieutenant Disher: Could you stand up, please, Mr. Terry. You're under arrest. It's one easy motion. Cuffs come out, right arm down. Slap 'em on. You're goin' down, clown. Just like you're dancin'. How was that?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That was perfect. Now, don't be afraid to rough 'im up. That's a bad guy.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Well, this this is for you. Somebody outside gave it to me. It's a petition about that new theme song.
Brad Terry: Oh, yeah. I know. Everybody hates it. Am I the only one who likes this?
Sharona: Oh. Oh, no. I like it too. I can't get it out of my mind. It-It's a good song.
Brad Terry: From Marci, right? Marci Maven. She follows me everywhere. She's not right.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: On TV, you always see one cop in one car hot-roddin' after some suspect. It doesn't happen like that. Believe it or not, we're out there trying to serve and protect.

Quote from Dr. Kroger

Adrian Monk: He's seducing them all, one by one. It's easy for him. He's an actor. He lies for a living.
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, but you could say that he tells the truth for a living. [Monk gives Dr. Kroger a doubtful look]
Adrian Monk: There was a cast party last night. Everybody went.
Dr. Kroger: Except you. How did that make you feel?
Adrian Monk: Like I was back in sixth grade. There was this kid Robbie Walover. He was a great athlete. He was funny. Everybody liked him. That year, he invited everyone to his birthday party except me. Here I am, still in the sixth grade.
Dr. Kroger: Robbie Walover. Did- Did he live over on Hillside Avenue?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Dr. Kroger: I knew him. My mother was friendly with his mother.
Adrian Monk: Were you at the party?
Dr. Kroger: Yeah.
Adrian Monk: Was it great?
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, you don't wanna know.
Adrian Monk: No, no.
Dr. Kroger: Okay, yes. Okay, fine. It was... Yes, it was, um It was pretty great. Yeah, it was great. We went to Candlestick Park. I met Willie Mays.

Quote from Marci Maven

Marci Maven: I did the world a favor. She was a terrible actress.
Sharona: Who was?
Marci Maven: Susan Malloy. The bitch... I killed. She only made one movie. What kind of actress only makes one movie? Frat Party Massacre. Did you see it?
Sharona: Uh, no.
Marci Maven: I did. Like, 20 times.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And how did you do it, Marci?
Marci Maven: It was easy. Snuck in the glass window in the back. I hid. She came in. She was, uh, doin' an exercise tape. She didn't even see me. I pulled out the knife, and she started screaming. I started stabbing, and I stabbed her.
Adrian Monk: How many times?
Marci Maven: Three or four.
Lieutenant Disher: Why did you do it, Marci?
Marci Maven: I did it for Brad. Hello? I love him. You know, l... That bitch broke his heart. She won't be hurting him anymore. Right?

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