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‘Mr. Monk and the Big Game’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Big Game

503. Mr. Monk and the Big Game

Aired July 21, 2006

Julie and her friends ask Monk to investigate the death of their basketball coach.

Quote from Natalie

Captain Stottlemeyer: I can talk to her next week. How about Saturday? I'll take you guys out for pancakes.
Natalie: Yeah, it's okay. That's not gonna give her enough time. It's all right.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.
Natalie: Oh, you know what? I forgot to mention. My cousin works for a PR firm for the 49ers.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No kidding?
Natalie: Yeah. Joe Montana's gonna be in town on Thursday. He's shooting some commercial. You wanna meet him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Joe Montana? Sure!
Natalie: Okay. You're not too busy?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, no, I'm sure we could make that work.
Natalie: Oh, great. Because I lied. But it's nice to know you're available on Thursday. Julie will be here after school. Thanks.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Julie showed me what happened. They found Coach Hayden's body in here, next to the showers. You okay?
Adrian Monk: Girls' bathroom.
Natalie: What are you afraid of? Cooties?
Adrian Monk: Don't laugh. Jury is still out on cooties. If we could only get more federal funding.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie Teeger: Is this a bad time?
Adrian Monk: Yes, it is.
Emily C.: Should we come back?
Adrian Monk: No, it's always a bad time.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Ah, this brings back memories. Sitting in the principal's office.
Natalie: You? I can't picture you being sent to the principal's office.
Adrian Monk: I wasn't sent. I used to go there on my own. To report on the troublemakers. I was Mr. Kantman's eyes and ears. That's what he called me.
Natalie: So you spied on other kids?
Adrian Monk: I was keeping the study hall safe for people like you. You're welcome.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: This is my boss. This is Adrian Monk. Principal Franklin.
Principal Franklin: Oh, yes. We met last year at the career day. How've you been?
Adrian Monk: The same.
Principal Franklin: I'm sorry to hear that.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: The second one. There's no cobwebs on it. All the other windows are covered with them. Up you go.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: Take a look. Check it out. Up you go.
Natalie: Up you go.
Adrian Monk: Up you go.
Natalie: Up you go.
Adrian Monk: Up you go.
Natalie: I'm just the assistant, remember?
Adrian Monk: I believe the word "assist" is a very large part of the word "assistant." Right? Assist. From the Latin meaning "up you go".

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Yeah, all right. Let's just keep it simple. See, each basket we sink counts as two points.
Girl: Except if you're behind the line.
Adrian Monk: Emily, you're just confusing everyone.
Emily C.: She's not Emily.
Adrian Monk: She's Emily now. You're all Emily, understand? We're gonna be fine. Everybody just go out there and give 100 percent.
Emily J.: But Coach Hayden said we should give 110 percent.
Adrian Monk: No, no, no. That's a bad idea. Anyway, it's mathematically impossible. Just give 100 percent. It's a nice, round number.
Emily J.: Well, I'm gonna give 110 percent.
Adrian Monk: Fine. Okay, Julie, you give 90%.
Emily C.: Well, I'm gonna give 115%.
Adrian Monk: Fine, well Julie you're down to 75%.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: Oh, I don't know about this. I don't know much about basketball.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you don't have to know anything. You're my assistant. My assistant. I like that. The worm has turned.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, it certainly has.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Where's my whistle?
Natalie: Mr. Monk, you don't need a whistle.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I-I-I- I'm gonna have to buy a whistle and one of those clipboards, I guess.
Natalie: So you've never won anything in your whole life?
Adrian Monk: Once, at a birthday party, I won a game of musical chairs.
Natalie: Oh, that's something.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, then I was disqualified. The mother said I went counterclockwise or something.
Natalie: At least you got invited to the party.
Adrian Monk: It was my party, okay? It was my mother.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Emily J.: You iron your shoelaces?
Emily C.: Why are there three?
Adrian Monk: Right, left, backup. No, wait a second. This is the backup. So, that's, uh, right, left...
Emily J.: I- It doesn't matter.
Adrian Monk: You're right. It doesn't matter. Left, this is the right one.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Will you just wait out front and I'll meet you there?
Julie Teeger: Thank you so much, Mr. Monk!
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Yeah. Stay in school. Don't take dope.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: This place makes me uncomfortable.
Natalie: Oh, Mr. Monk. It's just a high school.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, high school wasn't the best year of my life.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Oh, but look at these. Amazing. Look at that one. State champions.
Natalie: Okay, it's very nice.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah, look at this one.
Natalie: Yeah, they're all very nice.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, look at that. Look at this. These, these two! I could never believe that they would just leave them sitting in the hallway right next to the exit. I always felt they should be locked away in a vault somewhere.
Natalie: Why? Who's gonna take a bunch of old trophies?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. Maybe somebody who's never won anything in their whole life. Somebody whose mother cleared off a mantel in the living room, just waiting for one of these. Whose mother came to every track meet, even when she was sick. Even when she was dying. Maybe somebody like that. Natalie, I'm talking about me.
Natalie: I know, Mr. Monk. Let's go.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Okay, the valve under this sink was loose. And the water was leaking. And then the hairdryer was plugged into here.
Adrian Monk: I thought these outlets had built-in circuit breakers.
Natalie: Yeah, I thought so too.
Adrian Monk: That's funny. Look at that paint job. You can see the brush marks.
Natalie: Yeah, they don't line up.
Adrian Monk: There's no dust on the top of that. Natalie. [takes Natalie's finger and wipes it along the bottom of the outlet] Dust on the bottom? You're gonna need a wipe for that. Yeah, I think somebody took off this plate. And put it back on upside down. Get ready. Yeah, that- That's a loose wire.
Natalie: Do you think somebody could've unscrewed that on purpose?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. So the towel fell here? On top of this drain?
Natalie: Yeah, that's right.
Adrian Monk: Seems like the coach ran into a lot of bad luck in this room all at once.
Natalie: Well, I guess that's how it happens sometimes.
Adrian Monk: Yes, to me, but this happened to somebody else.

Quote from Natalie

Principal Franklin: This has been very hard on the kids. Especially the team. Without a coach, we're gonna have to forfeit the last game.
Natalie: With the championship game? No! I- I- I'll coach 'em. I'll do it.
Principal Franklin: Oh, no, Natalie. I- I wasn't trying-
Natalie: No, no. I played basketball in high school. Varsity. All four years. Plus I know all the girls.
Principal Franklin: Well, it is only one game.
Natalie: Oh, I think the girls really need this.
Principal Franklin: Okay, we'll try it.
Natalie: Okay.
Principal Franklin: But you're gonna need an assistant.
Adrian Monk: What? What are you looking at? [raises hand] Principal Franklin, Natalie's staring at me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Yeah, you know, I've been watching you guys all year. You guys are great. And if we practice and focus really hard, I think we have a shot at bringing home that trophy.
Adrian Monk: There's- There's a trophy?
Natalie: If we win.
Adrian Monk: Does everyone get one?
Julie Teeger: Well, the whole team gets a big trophy. And then everyone gets little statues.
Adrian Monk: Even the... Even the...
Natalie: Yes, Mr. Monk. Even you would get a little trophy.
Adrian Monk: Would it have my... My, um...
Natalie: Yes, Mr. Monk. It'll have your name on it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Park Ranger: Well, it's pretty obvious what happened. This is the point of origin.
Adrian Monk: [blows whistle] Natalie, right here. Point of origin. [whistle] Please go on.
Park Ranger: Well, somebody was here camping out unauthorized. Without a permit. And apparently the wind shifted from east to north.
Adrian Monk: [whistle] East to north. Got it. [whistle] Continue please.
Natalie: It's his first whistle.
Park Ranger: Well, the brush around here was bone dry. So those branches probably caught first. And then they spread downwind. And then once it hits the valley, well, there's no stopping it.
Adrian Monk: So the fire was moving... [whistle] Up the hill, that way.
Park Ranger: Yeah, are you with the arson squad, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: No, no. This is a private investigation. And call me Coach. Coach Monk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: That's a nice photo.
Aaron Hayden: Thanks. The school asked a picture so they could hang it up in the girls' locker room.
Natalie: It's beautiful. It'll mean a lot to the girls.
Adrian Monk: Except the frame is broken. It's got a crack there.
Aaron Hayden: I know. I was gonna fix that.
Adrian Monk: Or you could buy a new one.
Aaron Hayden: Oh, that's okay. I'll just fix it. It's no big deal.
Adrian Monk: But you could just buy a new one, a nice, new frame. Yeah, let's do that.
Natalie: No, no, he said he was gonna fix it.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, well, it's up to you. But you could just buy a new one. A nice, new frame, crack-free. In honor of your sister. Your dead, beloved sister.
Natalie: Okay, we're done here. Thank you, Aaron. Let's go.
Adrian Monk: Let's go. We're going. Thank you. We're passing a frame shop. I could just pop in. My treat.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Julie Teeger: Um, okay, I wrote down a few questions.
Lieutenant Disher: I'll go first.
Julie Teeger: Okay.
Lieutenant Disher: All right. Bring it on. Quest-i-on number one.
Julie Teeger: Okay. What does DNA stand for?
Lieutenant Disher: DNA. Dexoc-- Dexochl-- Das- DNA.
Julie Teeger: You don't know.
Lieutenant Disher: It's a chemical. DNA. Dennis-- acid.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Deoxyribonucleic acid.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Julie Teeger: Who discovered DNA?
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, I got it. I know this one.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Good.
Lieutenant Disher: Whish-- ah. Wall-- Will-- Will-- Actually, nobody really knows.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Watson and Crick.
Lieutenant Disher: Watson and Crick.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Two British scientists.
Lieutenant Disher: From England.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Woman: So which one's yours?
Captain Stottlemeyer: The big one with the whistle.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Ref. Time. Time out!
Referee: Time out, purple.
Natalie: Okay, hurry up.
Adrian Monk: Aaron Hayden belongs to that country club. It was on the trophy on his mantle. Conrad Country Club. Here's what happened. Aaron Hayden killed Paula McGoohan. I remember the case. There was DNA evidence all over the scene but nothing to match it against.
Natalie: 20 seconds.
Adrian Monk: Lynn Hayden told her brother she started that brush fire and planned to turn herself in. That's why she was so upset last week.
Natalie: 15 Seconds.
Adrian Monk: Aaron tried to talk her out of it. He knew she'd be arrested, which meant...
Captain Stottlemeyer: We would take a DNA sample.
Lieutenant Disher: Routine for a felony arrest.
Natalie: Ten seconds.
Adrian Monk: He knew if you ran her DNA through the system, it would lead you to the country club murder, which would lead you to him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It happens with siblings. A near hit.
Adrian Monk: He was trapped! He couldn't let her confess. If she was arrested, he was a dead man. [buzzer sounds]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Natalie, we won! We won! Finally! I won something.
Natalie: How does it feel, Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: It feels- It feels like something's wrong.
Referee: Clear the court! We still have two seconds on the clock. Let's clear the court.
Adrian Monk: What's happening?
Natalie: Well, it's not over yet.
Referee: Put two seconds back on the the clock.
Adrian Monk: Of course.
Natalie: Don't worry. They have one shot. They'll never make it.
Adrian Monk: Of course. Of course. Of course. [the other team scores] Of course.
Natalie: I don't believe it! Did you see that?
Adrian Monk: Many times.
Natalie: Don't be sad, Mr. Monk. There's always next year.
Adrian Monk: No, it's never next year. I'm going home.


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