Previous Episode Next Episode 

‘Mr. Monk and the Critic’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Critic

806. Mr. Monk and the Critic

Aired September 18, 2009

Natalie is convinced a theater critic who wrote a scathing review of Julie's performance in a play is connected to the murder of a woman at a nearby hotel.

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: There you are. Where have you been?
Natalie: I've been thinking I solved the case.
Adrian Monk: What case?
Natalie: I know who killed Callie Esterhaus. It was John Hannigan, the critic.
Adrian Monk: Oh, Natalie.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Look, Natalie, we know you're upset about that review, but you can't go around accusing the man of murder.
Natalie: No, I know that he did it. I went to his office. He's wearing the same cologne. The cologne that we smelled in that hotel room.
Lieutenant Disher: The cologne you smelled.
Natalie: Plus, he's a "J" for John. Plus, they probably knew each other. She worked at Winberries. That's his favorite restaurant. He eats there every day.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay. Okay. First of all, Callie Esterhaus died at 8:35, which was during Julie's show.
Adrian Monk: Hannigan was in his seat all night. We saw him.
Natalie: No, he snuck out during the show. The hotel is right down the street. He killed her then snuck back in.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, we were there. You kept looking up at him. He never left his seat.
Lieutenant Disher: You've got to admit, it's a pretty good alibi. Sold-out theater, including Monk.
Natalie: He did it. I don't know how, but he did it.
Lieutenant Disher: That's what he always says.

Rate

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: What's this?
Natalie: A check for $300. I'm hiring you, Mr. Monk. I need your help. I can't do it myself.
Adrian Monk: Ah, this check's no good.
Natalie: That's sweet of you to say, but-
Adrian Monk: No, I mean it's literally no good. You can't cover this.
Natalie: Sure I can. I just deposited my paycheck on Wednesday.
Adrian Monk: Right, but I happen to know that that check is going to bounce. So this check is pretty much worthless.
Natalie: You wrote me a bad check? How could you do that?
Adrian Monk: I might ask you the same question.
Natalie: No, no, no, no, no. Your check was bad first.
Adrian Monk: Natalie, there's no right and wrong here. It's all tangled up. One check, another check. It's like the chicken and the egg.
Natalie: No, it's not. There's no egg here. There's no egg. This is all chicken. You're taking my check and you're working for me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Is that your father?
Woman: Uh-uh.
Adrian Monk: Would you two mind switching seats?
Woman: Why?
Adrian Monk: I just want to thank him for his service.
[After the woman switches with her father, the war veteran with a missing left-arm sits on Monk's right side]
Adrian Monk: Thank you for your service.
Natalie: Now all you need is a headless man to sit in front of you.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, or a dwarf.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: You must have ten different soaps here.
Gilson: Exactly ten, sir. Yes, sir.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my.
Gilson: Ah, that's from China, sir. The Gansu province.
Adrian Monk: Very nice. Oh, may I?
Gilson: It's Peruvian cotton, sir. They're hand-woven.
Adrian Monk: I didn't think people like you- I mean, attendants, still existed.
Gilson: Ahl, we're a dying breed, sir. Some people would consider this work beneath them, but, I enjoy it. My father used to say, "Gilson, there are no small jobs, there are only small people." Here you go.
[A man takes the towel from Monk's arm to dry his hands and then offers him a tip, which Monk proceeds to put in his pockets.]
Gilson: I believe that's mine, sir.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I'm sorry. That would make more sense.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: That was fast.
Adrian Monk: I went to the men's room.
Natalie: Here? [Monk nods] Well, Mr. Monk, congratulations. I'm proud of you. How was it?
Adrian Monk: It was magical. It was spotless. I might become a patron of this theater just so I can use it. Two armrests, a clean bathroom... This is a perfect night at the theater.
Actor: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I bid you welcome to the magical boulevard of dreams known as Broadway.
Adrian Monk: Maybe I spoke too soon.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Was she dating anyone?
Miranda: I think so. She was kind private about that stuff. I think he might've been married. It was just a feeling I got.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Did she ever mention any names?
Lieutenant Disher: We, found a date book in her apartment. She referred to a man by initial J. Does that mean anything?
Miranda: Maybe his name began with a J?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Did you just write that down?
Lieutenant Disher: I put a question mark after it.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: I have an announcement too. I'm not giving up. I am never giving up. 'Cause you broke my daughter's heart, and you killed that poor waitress down the street.
John Hannigan: Now I've killed a waitress. This is getting more pathetic by the minute.
Natalie: Which explains what you were doing there. You never review community theater. And what about this?
Adrian Monk: Ugh.
John Hannigan: It's-
Captain Stottlemeyer: What is that?
John Hannigan: It's a Chinese dumpling.
Natalie: I found it in your trash can. [Monk gags] These are your bite marks. Look. The strawberry from the crime scene. It's a perfect match.
Lieutenant Disher: Actually, we can't match it. The strawberry was too soft. We couldn't get a cast.
Natalie: Well, it looks the same to me. Mr. Monk. [Monk murmurs]
John Hannigan: It's quite all right, gentlemen. I've dealt with stage mothers before. They're almost all delusional and, to some extent, unstable. It's sad, really. My advice to you is to worry about your own problems and not try to live vicariously through your daughter. I wish I could stay, but I have a column to finish. You can keep the dumpling.
Natalie: You monster!
Captain Stottlemeyer: She's not with us, I mean, not officially.
Natalie: You're gonna rot in hell!
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not with us.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Julie said the review doesn't matter, but I know that it does.
Adrian Monk: Julie's a kid. She'll bounce back.
Natalie: How can you say that? When have you bounced back from anything? You're still dealing with stuff your father said to you when you were three. People don't forget. People don't always bounce back. This could ruin everything for her. He wasn't there. I just have to prove it, but I can't do it myself.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Gilson: Mr. Monk, welcome back, sir.
Adrian Monk: Hello, Gilson. I wonder if I could wash up.
Gilson: Of course. Mrs. Coruthers said you might be coming by. Said it was part of a a big investigation.
Adrian Monk: That's right. That's right. Oh, this is different.
Gilson: Oh, yes, I've separated the antibacterial soap, sir.
Adrian Monk: I see that. I see that. That's exactly how I have it at home.
Gilson: High praise, indeed, sir. [chuckles]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Let me ask you something. You know the box seat, up there in the mezzanine, section B?
Gilson: Yes, sir.
Adrian Monk: Do you think someone could sneak out of there during a performance?
Gilson: I wouldn't know, sir.
Adrian Monk: There's an exit door up there. Where does it lead?
Gilson: To a fire escape. It leads out back, behind the theater.
Adrian Monk: Behind the theater. Behind the... Look at these towels. Look at these towels. You are an artist, Gilson. You are the Michelangelo of lavatories.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: How bad is it?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Oh, it's bad, Monk. Blunt force trauma. He was hit from behind. Metal bat or a crowbar.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no.
Lieutenant Disher: A construction crew found him on the Bay Shore freeway under an off-ramp.
Adrian Monk: Oh, God. Can we talk to him?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Maybe not for a while. He's in a coma. How do you know this guy?
Adrian Monk: He's my men's room attendant.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Okay.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: It was John Hannigan. He did it.
Lieutenant Disher: Oh, here we go.
Natalie: No, it can't be a coincidence. He worked at the theater.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Teeger, give it a rest. Are you gonna blame every crime in California on this guy?
Adrian Monk: What is this?
Lieutenant Disher: The stuff in his jacket.
Adrian Monk: Nicotine gum?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, we already checked. He never smoked. It's probably a gift for someone else.
Adrian Monk: Wait, wait. [to Natalie] Don't hug me. You're gonna want to hug me. But don't hug me.
Natalie: Why?
Adrian Monk: You were right about Hannigan. He's the guy.
Natalie: I knew it! I knew it! [hugs Monk] Thank you, thank you, thank you, Mr. Monk!

Quote from Natalie

John Hannigan: Captain, I hope this is important. I have a deadline in 37 minutes. Make that 36. Her again.
Do I have to get a restraining order? It was just a review. Get over it.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Hannigan, this is not about the review or what happened to Callie Esterhas. This is an entirely different matter. Right this way.
Julie Teeger: That's him. That's him.
Lieutenant Disher: Are you sure?
John Hannigan: What the hell is this?
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's OK, miss, he can't hurt you. Go ahead. Tell us your story.
Julie Teeger: Well, last night I was downtown at Winberries. I was waiting for some friends, and he bought me a drink. A rum and coke.
John Hannigan: What? This is crazy. If you think-
Captain Stottlemeyer: Shut up! Let her finish. Go on.
Julie Teeger: I finished the drink, and I- I felt kind of woozy and dizzy. And he offered to walk me to my car. And the next thing I knew I'm in the parking lot, and I'm fighting, and he was grabbing me, and he pulled me down.
John Hannigan: This is preposterous. It wasn't me. I was home. I was writing all night.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, her story checks out. Her dress was ripped, she has bruises on her shoulder.
John Hannigan: I've never seen her before in my life.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, how did she get your business card? She said you gave it to her.
John Hannigan: I have no idea. Captain, I swear to you. I was home. I don't know this girl.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Mr. Hannigan, this is very important. I want you to take a good, long look at this young woman. Go on, take your time. Be very careful. Are you telling me that you've never seen this girl before she walked in here today?
John Hannigan: Yes, sir. I'm sure. I'd swear on 100 bibles. I have never seen this woman before in my life.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I believe you.
Adrian Monk: Lieutenant, did you hear what he said?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, I did.
Adrian Monk: Did everyone in this room hear what he just said? You're all witnesses.
Julie Teeger: Mom, can we go home now?
John Hannigan: Mom?
Adrian Monk: Mr. Hannigan, I'd like you to meet Julie Teeger. Julie was in the show that you reviewed on Saturday night.
Captain Stottlemeyer: But you missed her performance 'cause you snuck off to murder your girlfriend.
John Hannigan: No. No. She wasn't in the curtain call.
Natalie: She was in costume. She was wearing a wig and makeup.
Adrian Monk: That's right. That's right. But in the first half she had a solo number, and she looked just like this. You would have recognized her if you were there.
John Hannigan: I think I need to call my lawyer.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yep. We have phones downtown. You can call from there.
Natalie: Wait a minute, Mr. Hannigan. Your review? She's not too forgettable now, is she?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: "Julie Teeger is applying to Cal State Berkeley where she is hoping to major in theater arts. She thanks her mother Natalie for all the inspiration in the world." Look, there's a little picture.
Adrian Monk: God.
Natalie: I don't know why I'm so nervous. I know she's gonna be great. She's been performing her whole life. She used to do these little skits in our living room, and once she did The Wizard of Oz. She did, like, all the characters. Even the witch.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I think this is my armrest, and that one's yours.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, we're supposed to share.
Adrian Monk: Wh- Wh- What are we, Russia now?
Natalie: Okay, okay. It's all yours.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Oh, no. It's John Hannigan.
Adrian Monk: Who?
Natalie: John Hannigan. The theater critic from the San Francisco Dispatch. What's he doing here? He doesn't normally review community theater. Maybe he read Julie's review in the school paper. You think?
Adrian Monk: Maybe.
Natalie: Really?
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie: I hope he's in a good mood. He's normally so critical about everything.
Adrian Monk: Isn't that his job? I mean, he's a critic.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Uh-oh.
Natalie: What? What is it?
Adrian Monk: We have to go home.
Natalie: Why?
Adrian Monk: I have a situation. Nature. N-a... Nature alert.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, do you have to go to the bathroom?
Adrian Monk: Ssh.
Natalie: No, I'm not leaving. I've been waiting all year to see this.
Adrian Monk: We can be back in 20 minutes.
Natalie: Forget it. Just forget it. She's only in two scenes. Why don't you just use the men's room like everybody else?
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] I wish you could hear yourself sometimes. The men's room is a public facility. I don't use public facilities.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Gilson: May I help you, sir?
Adrian Monk: I'm sorry. Just looking for the men's room.
Gilson: This is the gentleman's restroom, sir.
Adrian Monk: This is the men's room?
Gilson: Uh-huh.
Adrian Monk: How long has this been going on?
Gilson: Oh, since the theater was built, sir. That would be 1910.
Adrian Monk: It's fantastic.
Gilson: Oh, thank you, sir. I like to think of it as someplace special. A sort of sanctuary, as it were. An oasis in the desert.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Wasn't she great? Wasn't she wonderful? She was so poised. Wasn't she poised?
Adrian Monk: She was very poised.
Natalie: She was very poised. There he is. He looks happy.
Adrian Monk: Well, if you saw that bathroom you'd understand why.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: [talking loudly in front of the critic] You know who I loved was the girl that sang "Away". What was her name? Julie something?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah.
Natalie: Yeah, Julie Teeger. She was the best.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I thought so too. [chuckles] And who would've thought she has the same last name as you. That's unbelievable. [after the critic walks away] I think he bought it. That's odd.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: He just threw away an unopened pack of cigarettes and a lighter.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Julie Teeger: Are you looking for Miss Julie Teeger?
Natalie: Yes, ma'am. Have you seen her? We wanted to tell her how beautiful and talented she was!
Julie Teeger: Okay, so how was it?
Adrian Monk: Oh, you were great. You were so... poised.

Page 2 

 Previous Episode Next Episode 
  View another episode