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‘Mr. Monk and Sharona’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and Sharona

810. Mr. Monk and Sharona

Aired October 23, 2009

Monk is reunited with Sharona when she visits San Francisco to settle a lawsuit over her uncle's untimely demise on a golf course. Unfortunately for Sharona, Monk doesn't think her uncle's death was an accident.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Just come in! The door's open. [screams as vacuum covers him in dust] Natalie! Natalie! Natalie!
Sharona: Adrian? What happened?
Adrian Monk: Well, it just blew up in my face! Call 911.
Sharona: No, no, no. We don't have to call 911. Just come with me.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I can't see. It's a code red, Natalie.
Sharona: I don't know what code red means.
Adrian Monk: Code red! We talked about this. We had practice drills.
Sharona: Okay, just- You're gonna be fine. Just splash some water on your face. Splash it on your eyes.
[After Monk splashes water on his eyes and finally sees Sharona, he tries cleaning out his eyes again]
Sharona: Hello, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: What year is this?

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: "So, Sharona, how are you doing? What have you been up to?" Well, thank you very much for asking. I am still in Jersey. And I'm nursing again.
Adrian Monk: Really? But isn't Benjy like 17?
Sharona: No, I'm working as a nurse.
Adrian Monk: Oh, that's different.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: I thought at the most they were gonna offer me five to ten grand, but this is real money. This will pay for Benjy's college. Not just community college. Any college. He can go anywheres that he wants.
Natalie: Sharona, that is so great. I mean, congratulations! I'm sorry about the circumstance.
Sharona: Oh, no, no, it's okay. I only met the guy twice. Oh, my God. Is this what good luck feels like? I mean, because I never actually had it, you know?
Adrian Monk: Huh.
Natalie: What? Is there a problem?
Adrian Monk: There's something wrong here.
Sharona: Don't you say that. Don't find anything, because if this is not an accident, then they're not responsible, and then they don't have to pay. Do you understand?
Adrian Monk: Right. Okay...
Sharona: No, I want you to stop looking at this. It was an accident, okay? Say it was an accident. No, I want you to say it was an accident! [sighs] I know that look. I remember that look. I hate that look.

Quote from Sharona

Natalie: But they weren't alone. The caddy was there.
Sharona: The caddy saw the whole thing.
Adrian Monk: That's the beauty of it. It was a perfect plan.
Sharona: I don't understand.
Adrian Monk: I'll tell you later.
Sharona: No, you have to tell me now. Say "Here's what happened."
Adrian Monk: Well, he's right there.
Sharona: Just tell me. Say "Here's what happened."

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Well, he can't go too far. He can't sleep without his Trudy pillow.
Sharona: Or that special red toothbrush.
Natalie: Or his little flossing kit.
Sharona: Or the sound machine with that fog horn noises.
Natalie: Actually, that one broke. And they discontinued the model.
Sharona: Really? What did you do?
Natalie: I went out and bought an actual fog horn and made my own tape. I'm not kidding. I have an actual fog horn sitting in my garage.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, but, Sharona, you got to admit, if Monk thinks your uncle's running some kind of a scam, he's probably running some kind of scam.
Sharona: Randy, Adrian is not- He's not infallible. He's been wrong before. Remember the ski instructor? Adrian said he was the guy, and it ended up being his twin brother. Do you remember that one?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, no, he was the guy, remember? There was no brother. He was pretending to be his own twin.
Sharona: Well, I still don't believe it.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: You still have some schmutz over there.
Adrian Monk: Where?
Sharona: Right there. Hold on, hold on. [hands Adrian a wipe from the drawer]
Adrian Monk: Hey, you still got it.
Sharona: It's like riding a bike.
Adrian Monk: [chuckles] Oh, man.
Sharona: A very clean, very unusual... Very sad bike.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Mr. Monk, I think they're over there.
Sharona: You call him Mr. Monk, huh?
Natalie: I know. It's weird. I can't call him by his first name. It's just not me.
Sharona: Adrian, do you mind if she calls you Adrian?
Adrian Monk: Of course not. Why would I mind?
Natalie: Okay, Adrian.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, see, I don't like it.
Natalie: Me either.

Quote from Sharona

Natalie: So how long are you here for?
Sharona: A day, maybe two.
Adrian Monk: Just a day! Maybe two.
Sharona: You know, I'm gonna need some lawyers, 'cause my uncle Howie died.
Natalie: Oh, I'm so sorry.
Sharona: Yeah, well, you know, I wasn't very close to him, and I didn't really know him that well. But, you know, I was the only family he had. So that's why I'm here.
Natalie: So you're here to claim the body?
Sharona: No, he's already been cremated. He died on the Eastdale Country Club. Have you ever been there?
Natalie: Me? No, I couldn't afford to park my car there. Not on my salary.
Sharona: Oh, yes. I'm sorry, I forgot. You work for Ebenezer Monk. [both laugh]
Adrian Monk: Ha, that's right. That's good. Trouble ahead.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Adrian, you were right. He's my uncle. I know I only met him twice, but twice is enough. I guess I never... [trips]
Adrian Monk: Sharona.
Natalie: Are you okay?
Sharona: Oh, my God, I think I broke my arm.
Gary Hanks: I can't believe they never fixed that.
Sharona: This is my lucky day. Benjy's going to college. [groans] Oh, God. Oh.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: So, you're gonna go to the uncle's apartment to check things out. And you're gonna take Natalie and Sharona. Can I give you a bit of advice man-to-man? Big mistake.
Adrian Monk: Oh, I know.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, you're- You're barely- You're- You're very- You're a fragile person.
Adrian Monk: Thank you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: These women are gonna drive you crazy. You're gonna have a breakdown.
Adrian Monk: I know!
Captain Stottlemeyer: I love Natalie, and I love Sharona too. They're both wonderful women. You got lucky twice. But together they're like bourbon and vodka. I love them both, but I can't have them at the same meal, because they don't mix. These women are so different, Monk. They're gonna tear you apart like a piece of saltwater taffy.
Adrian Monk: I know, I've been a piece of taffy all day. Natalie's been acting like Mary, Queen of Scots. She wants more money. I mean, she won't lay down in the dirt when I ask her. I'm losing her.
Captain Stottlemeyer: And it's only gonna get worse.
Adrian Monk: What do I do?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, you're gonna have to leave one of them here.
Adrian Monk: I can't. I can't choose.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well be careful.
Adrian Monk: Can I call you if it gets weird?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: [opens drawer] Uncle Howie liked the ladies.
Adrian Monk: How do you know?
Natalie: [closes drawer] Just trust me. He liked the ladies.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: What are you doing here? Are you busy?
Lieutenant Disher: Yeah, I'm due in court like ten minutes ago.
Sharona: I just need to talk to someone, and I just remember how good I used to feel after I talked to you.
Lieutenant Disher: Really? Walk me downstairs. What's going on?
Sharona: Adrian thinks my uncle's some kind of scam artist. We went to his apartment, there were pillows on the floor, and Adrian thinks he was practicing how to fall.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, that makes sense.
Sharona: It does?
Lieutenant Disher: Doesn't it?
Sharona: That doesn't mean he's a con artist. I mean, lost of pe- Lots of people practice how to fall.
Lieutenant Disher: Why?
Sharona: In case they fall. It's common sense.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: I do not know how you put up with him. I don't know how I put up with him. Actually, I do. I loved him. I swear, this was the best job I ever had. Every day was an adventure. Funny thing is, adventures are never fun when you're having 'em, you know?
Natalie: Sharona, I'm sorry.
Sharona: Oh, no, no. I'm the one who should be sorry. I was totally out of line. You're doing a good job with him. Natalie, you're really patient with him. It's more than I ever was.
Natalie: No, I'm not.
Sharona: Yeah, you are. You're a saint.
Natalie: Sharona, the reason why I can be nice to Mr. Monk and I can be patient with him is because you did the hard part. You were here right after Trudy when he couldn't even get out of bed.
Sharona: [sighs] I don't know, I think I might've been too tough on him.
Natalie: You needed to be tough. He was in a bad place. You got him here. You got him to me.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Okay, can I ask you a question? I have been wanting to ask you for a long time.
Sharona: Oh, sure, anything.
Adrian Monk: Um, that Friday before you left, you took a shirt to the dry cleaners, short, number four. Sharona, they said they never got it.
Sharona: That's what you've been waiting to ask me about?
Adrian Monk: It looked a lot like this shirt, but it was number four.
Sharona: No. You know what? I remember. I took it to your dry cleaner. And they were closed, so I took it to another one down the street.
Adrian Monk: Oh. [chuckles]
Sharona: So, Adrian, how have you been? You look great.
Adrian Monk: Thank you. Do you remember the name of that establishment, the other cleaners?
Sharona: No, I don't remember.
Adrian Monk: Do you have the ticket? I know, you always you know, put the tickets in your purse. Um...
Sharona: Yeah, but it's been five years. This is not even the same purse.
Adrian Monk: Oh, no.
Sharona: Okay, fine. Fine. [checks purse] You know what? It's not here. It's not here. But it might be in the garage at home where I keep all of my old stuff. So when I go home, I'll check for it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: I mean, it's amazing. Even the apartment. It's exactly the same. It's amazing.
Adrian Monk: No, that's not true, actually. I switched to 75 watt bulbs in the hallway.
Sharona: Really?
Adrian Monk: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Sharona: Oh, that is something. No, that is real progress, Adrian. I am very proud of you.
Adrian Monk: I didn't like it, so I changed back.
Sharona: Oh.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: A picture of Benjy. Can you believe it? He's looking at colleges now. The only question is can I afford to send him? That's always the question.
Adrian Monk: Look at him. He's all grown up. Where is he now?
Sharona: Um, he's home, working a summer job.
Adrian Monk: Is he anywhere near that garage?
Sharona: Adrian, I promise you, when I get home, I'm gonna check the garage. I promise you. But will you please forget about the ticket? [Monk signals the thought has left his mind] You haven't changed at all. Not at all.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Is it off? Is it off?
Sharona: Hold on, hold on.
Adrian Monk: Have you got it?
Sharona: Yeah, I'm-
Natalie: [enters] Morning, Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: You got it? Ah! Natalie, I didn't hear you come in. It- I'm- It's not what you think.
Natalie: What's not what who thinks?
Adrian Monk: I can explain! All right? This is Sharona.
Natalie: Sharona Sharona? Oh, my gosh, I've heard so much about you. I'm Natalie Teeger.
Sharona: Oh, my God!
Natalie: I feel like I'mmeeting a celebrity.
Sharona: It's so nice to meet you.
Natalie: It's so nice to meet you.
Adrian Monk: I got this myself. Okay, she got me the wipe. It's just a wipe. I mean, come on. There's nothing going on. Sometimes a wipe is just a wipe. I'm talking too much. Am I still talking now? God, I'm still talking.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, it's okay if Sharona hands you a wipe.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Natalie, I have a question. Does he still eat the same thing every day for lunch? Well, wait, what is it? Turkey club, lightly toasted...
Natalie: Hold the lettuce, hold the bacon...
Both: Hold the mayo, five slices of turkey cut four ways on a square plate.
Natalie: Oh, my God. Half the time he sticks me with the check.
Adrian Monk: Oh, my God, he still does that? I swear, I don't know how I survived on $950 a week. I don't know.
[Natalie turns back to give Monk an evil look]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Yeah, yeah. I'm almost finished.
Natalie: You paid her $20 a week more than me?
Adrian Monk: She had a kid.
Natalie: I have a kid!
Adrian Monk: Her kid ate more.
Natalie: That's not fair, and you know it.
Adrian Monk: Okay, fine, I'll pay you the same. On one condition. When we go to lunch, don't talk to her. I mean, you can talk to her, but not about me. Don't compare notes. And sit at separate tables. And if she offers to pick up the check, for God's sake, don't argue with her.

Quote from Sharona

Country Club Lawyer: Ms. Fleming, we represent the Eastdale Country Club. Now, our client would rather not drag this through the court for weeks or years. We understand that no amount of money could ever compensate for your loss. But we're hoping this will ease at least some of your pain. Think about it. Take your time. [hands Sharona a sheet of paper]
Sharona's Lawyer: We don't have to think about it. Whatever your offer is, it's not enough. Howard Fleming was in the prime of his life. Your client knew the stones on that staircase were loose. They'd been warned about it on more than two occasions. My client didn't come all this way to be insulted.
Sharona: [reads paper] Holy Jesus Palomino. Uh... We accept. No backsies.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Adrian, you're going the wrong way. The car's over there.
Adrian Monk: It'll just take a minute. I want to see the crime scene.
Sharona: It's not a crime scene. Don't call it a crime scene.
Natalie: Mr. Monk, I don't understand. They both saw the accident. It sounded legit to me.
Sharona: Yeah, me too. Can't we just say it's an accident and get on with our lives?
Adrian Monk: Get on with our lives. Sharona, he was your uncle.
Sharona: I barely knew him. I met him twice.
Adrian Monk: [as the sprinklers go off] Oh, my God. It's my cuff.
Sharona: Oh, stop whining. It's only water. Just shake it off.
Natalie: Shake it off. Here. [hands Monk a wipe] Don't tell her I did this.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Natalie? Can I see that?
Natalie: Sure.
Adrian Monk: He didn't fall.
Natalie: What?
Adrian Monk: Look at this. Look. All the golf clubs are still covered. There's no golf club on the ground anywhere near the body. I don't think he was golfing at all. And look at this, he teed off at 7:10. He died at 7:30. How did he get to the 14th green in 20 minutes? Doesn't make any sense.
Natalie: Are you sure?
Adrian Monk: 72%.
Natalie: Ugh, you have to tell her.
Adrian Monk: I know.
Natalie: Are you gonna tell her?
Adrian Monk: No.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: [knocks] Excuse me, I'd like to lodge a complaint against one of your officers.
Captain Stottlemeyer: What did he do?
Sharona: He hasn't written or called me in five years.
Captain Stottlemeyer: [laughs] Sharona Fleming. Get in here! You look fantastic.
Sharona: Thank you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: We've got regulations against public displays of affection, which I'mofficially waiving.
Sharona: It's so good to see you.
Captain Stottlemeyer: It's good to see you.
Sharona: Hey, I heard you got a new girlfriend. Congratulations. Oh, my God! You won the lottery!
Captain Stottlemeyer: I feel like I did.

Quote from Sharona

Lieutenant Disher: Is she here? There she is. She is here. Wow, you look great.
Sharona: Thank you, Randy. [they hug] It's really good to see you, Randy.
Lieutenant Disher: And...
Sharona: And what?
Lieutenant Disher: I don't know, I'm just waiting for the punch line. You always used to set me up and hit me with a zinger.
Sharona: What, I did that?
Lieutenant Disher: Only all the time.
Sharona: Oh, my God, was I awful?
Lieutenant Disher: No, you were... Truth is, I missed it. Excuse me for repeating myself, but you look great!
Sharona: Thank you.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: This doesn't mean anything, cushions on a floor? You know what I say? I say that we keep looking.
We go back and we talk to the golf pro again. He was a witness.
Adrian Monk: No, that won't do any good.
Natalie: Wait a second, wait a second, wait a second. Is this just about the money?
Sharona: Yeah, of course, this is about the money. Natalie, if this was a con game, if he fell on purpose, I won't see a nickel, Natalie.
Natalie: But it's not like you lost money. You're just back where you started.
Sharona: Which is broke! Which is trying to put my kid through college! Not everyone has zillionaire parents.
Natalie: Hey, hey, hey, I've never taken a dime from my parents.
Sharona: Well, then give them my number.
Adrian Monk: I hate this case.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Ah, Perry Walsh, 904. Where you going?
Natalie: Ninth floor.
Sharona: The elevator's over here.
Natalie: Mr. Monk always takes the stairs.
Sharona: I know he always takes the stairs, I always made him take the elevator. It's good for him.
Natalie: Thanks, I appreciate it, but I don't want to make him uncomfortable.
Sharona: But sometimes he has to be uncomfortable, otherwise he'll never learn.
Natalie: I'm not his psychiatrist, I'm his assistant.
Sharona: Then why don't you try assisting him, instead of pandering to him?
Natalie: How about this? It's the ninth floor, right? Let's take the elevator up to four, and then walk up five flights.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, that sounds fair.
Sharona: Or we take the elevator up to level five and walk up four flights.
Adrian Monk: Can't argue with that.
Sharona: You treat him like a child.
Natalie: He's not a child.
Sharona: I did not say he was a child. I said you're treating like him.
Natalie: I'm being supportive.
Sharona: No, you're not being supportive. You're enabling him.
Adrian Monk: Okay, here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna get on the elevator and take it up to 18 and walk down 9 flights. That way everybody's miserable.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Here's what happened. Walsh knew his wife was cheating. He found a letter or overheard a phone call. Somehow, he knew, but he didn't say anything. He kept it a secret. He began planning his revenge.
Perry Walsh: [o.s.] We've got orange juice if you'd like.
Adrian Monk: Juice is good.
Natalie: Fresh squeezed would be good.
Sharona: Keep going.
Adrian Monk: No! He's right there!
Sharona: Okay, get over here. Just get in!
Adrian Monk: I'm not getting in there!
Sharona: Keep going.
Adrian Monk: We're in a closet! I can't do this in a closet.
Sharona: Yes, you can! Just tell me what happened. Quickly.
Adrian Monk: [delivers the "Here's what happened" at double speed] The end. Can we go now?

Quote from Adrian Monk

[Natalie and Sharona find Mr. Monk at Trudy's grave:]
Natalie: Mr. Monk.
Adrian Monk: You found me.
Natalie: Have you been here all day?
Adrian Monk: I've been here for 12 years.

Quote from Sharona

Natalie: Come on. Let's go home. We'll make you dinner.
Sharona: Is Tuesday still chicken pot pie?
Adrian Monk: Why, what have you heard?
Sharona: Of course it is. I don't even know why I asked.

Quote from Sharona

Natalie: You sure you don't need a ride?
Sharona: No, no, no. My friend is picking me up.
Adrian Monk: Ah, Sharona, it was great to see you.
Sharona: You too, boss. You know, I have to say I'm gonna sleep a lot better now. The truth is, I was really worried about you, but not anymore. You're in really good hands. My ride's here. Get ready. Here comes the hug. [hugs Monk] Listen, I'm gonna come back in a couple weeks, okay? Got a lawsuit I gotta file.
Adrian Monk: I'll be here.
Sharona: I'm sure you will. Natalie, if things get too crazy, I want you to call me. Promise?
Natalie: I'll put you on speed dial. Travel safe.
[Monk and Natalie are surprised as Sharona's friend turns out to be Randy, who kisses her as he puts her luggage into his car]


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