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‘Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Monk: Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival

105. Mr. Monk Goes to the Carnival

Aired August 2, 2002

Monk is called in when a police officer is accused of killing a man on Ferris wheel, jeopardizing his testimony against an alleged killer.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: You look great.
Adrian Monk: I haven't worn it since Trudy's funeral.
Sharona: You sure you're not getting your hopes up?
Adrian Monk: Of course I am. That's what hopes are for.

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Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Randy. Did I ever tell you about Monk's first day as a detective?
Lieutenant Disher: No, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Have a seat. He didn't have a partner, so I got stuck with him.
Lieutenant Disher: Was he, you know...
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. He was a little wound. He used to wipe off the windshield and rearrange the glove box before we'd roll. Anyway, we're the primaries on a body in a hotel in the Castro. A hooker had swallowed a bunch of promazine, you know, the big sleeping pills?
Lieutenant Disher: Horse tranquilizer, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I said, "Suicide." Every cop on the scene said, "Suicide." Medical examiner said, "Suicide." Monk walks in, says, "Murder. Where's the water?" The room had no water. Simple. Eight people in the room, but nobody saw that.
Lieutenant Disher: Well, I'm sure you would've seen it eventually, sir.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Don't kid yourself. There is only one Adrian Monk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: How'd you guess the jelly beans?
Adrian Monk: Sharona. Sharona, just give me the shoe.
Sharona: No. Not until you tell me.
Adrian Monk: Come on. This is not funny. I can't walk.
Sharona: How did you do it?
Adrian Monk: All right, I'll tell you. As we walked into the carnival, there was a pile of garbage.
Sharona: Pile of garbage?
Adrian Monk: Yes, and I noticed that they were throwing away some empty jelly bean boxes. They were labeled. Each one contained 1,400 jelly beans. There were six boxes, so that's 8,400 beans. You figure the kid who ran the game ate a couple of handfuls, so that's 8,385. Now, can I have my shoe, please?
Sharona: You remembered how many empty boxes you saw?
Adrian Monk: Yes. It's a blessing and curse. Please don't ever take my shoes again. It's not funny. It never will be funny. It won't be funny the next time you do it. Stop laughing.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: I have an idea. Start yawning.
Adrian Monk: Yawning?
Sharona: Yeah, to make it look like you're too tired to drive.
Adrian Monk: Why would I be too tired to drive? It's 10:00 in the morning. I'm not in kindergarten. I'm trying to get my badge back here!
Sharona: Everybody gets tired. You don't think cops get tired?
Adrian Monk: It's too late to start yawning now. I would have had to start yawning when I was upstairs to set it up.
Sharona: It is not too late to start yawning right now, because you have to start yawning at some point of the day. Everybody yawns all day. There's no rules. Yawn. [Monk yawns]

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Adrian Monk: What do you think?
Sharona: I think you should do it. The captain's gonna testify in front of the review board tomorrow. This may be good help.
Adrian Monk: I agree, but let's stay here a minute, make it look like it's a tough decision.
Sharona: Okay. What should we talk about?
Adrian Monk: I don't know. How's Benjy?
Sharona: He's good.
Adrian Monk: What grade is he in now?
Sharona: Fifth.
Adrian Monk: Fifth grade.
Sharona: Failing math. It's driving me crazy.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, but-
Captain Stottlemeyer: Hey, Monk.
Adrian Monk: Yeah?
Captain Stottlemeyer: We can hear you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Get in the car.
Sharona: What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: I'm driving. Get in the car.
Sharona: No, you're not.
Adrian Monk: Sharona, they could be watching me right now from the... Don't look! ... from the window right now. Don't look.
Sharona: So what?
Adrian Monk: So I can't let them see you driving me. I'd look like an invalid. So get in the car.
Sharona: No.
Adrian Monk: Get in the car. Will you get in the car?
Sharona: Do you even know how to drive?
Adrian Monk: Yes, I know how to drive.
Sharona: I've never seen you.
Adrian Monk: Well, there's about 15 things that I can do that you've never seen me do.
Sharona: Like what?
Adrian Monk: Drive. I can drive. Get in the car.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Stottlemeyer. He says it's very important. No! No! Adrian! I'm driving. When hell freezes over, you can drive again. No. You know what? Even if hell freezes over, I'm still driving, because I don't want you driving on the ice. Get in the car!

Quote from Sharona

Benjy: Mom, how many tickets can we get?
Sharona: I don't know.
Benjy: Okay, let's get a whole sheet, which is $40.
Sharona: I don't know, Benjy. I work for a very cheap man.
Man: How many?
Sharona: Ten?
Adrian Monk: That's true. She does.
Sharona: He's also a very naive man who doesn't know when he's being used.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Adrian, I promised Benjy I'd take him on the bumper cars, so we'll meet you later, okay? Just stay close to the captain. And if you get lost, find a policeman. Promise?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Benjy: Mom, can I have two dollars?
Sharona: Wait. What for?
Benjy: It's a contest. There's a big jar of jelly beans, and if I guess how many are in the jar, I win a boom box.
Adrian Monk: 8,385.
Sharona: What?
Adrian Monk: That's how many jelly beans are in the jar. 8,385.
Benjy: 8,385.
Sharona: Have you seen the jar? [Monk shakes his head] How can you guess if you haven't seen the jar?
Adrian Monk: Benjy, 8,385.
Benjy: Okay. Thanks, Mom.
Sharona: [to Monk] Okay. Now you owe me two dollars.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: You're gonna wear out the carpet.
Benjy: Have you seen the downstairs? He cleaned the whole basement.
Adrian Monk: Damn! Damn it! Damn! Damn it! Damn! [stops vacuuming]
Sharona: What happened?
Adrian Monk: Aw. I knew it! Damn. I knew it. I knew this was gonna happen. Oh. Why me? Every single damn time.
Sharona: Adrian, what happened?
Adrian Monk: I solved the case.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Board Member #1: Former Detective Monk, we've been reviewing your file, which includes a statement from your psychiatrist, Dr. Kroger. [Monk notices a crooked blind] Now, he says you're still obsessed with the murder of your wife to the point where you are emotionally paralyzed. Do you agree?
Adrian Monk: Well, she was my wife. You can understand. It's not just another case.
Board Member #2: How's that investigation going?
Adrian Monk: We're stalled. Frankly, it's a dead end.
Board Member #1: However, there is some good news. Kroger says that you've been showing some significant progress in some of your other problems.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I've been working hard. [A board member crumples a piece of paper and drops it by the bin]
Board Member #2: Since your suspension, you've been working as a private investigator. Is that right?
Adrian Monk: Well, it hasn't made me rich, but, you know, it's what I do.
Board Member #1: It's what you do. I like that. You feel that you're ready to do what you do for us again? [The female board member pours a drink and spills some water on the table] I mean, officially?
Adrian Monk: I think I'm ready. As you know, I've been doing some consulting work for the department.
Board Member #1: Yes, on eight occasions. It's very impressive.
Board Member #2: Although, isn't it true, Mr. Monk, that on more than one occasion your phobias have hindered the investigation? For example, last February your fear of heights allowed a suspect in San Anselmo to escape.
Adrian Monk: Well, no officer is without fear of some kind.
Board Member #2: That's true. We all accept that, as long those fears don't interfere with the performance of his duties.
Board Member #1: We'll be making a formal recommendation by the end of the week. We have to speak with two or three more people, including Captain Leland Stottlemeyer.
Adrian Monk: Captain Stottlemeyer.
Board Member #1: As your commanding officer for years, his testimony is crucial.
Board Member #2: Thank you for coming in. [Monk is distracted by the blind] Mr. Monk?
Adrian Monk: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Board Member #1: Mr. Monk. You're still here.
Adrian Monk: Yeah. Yeah, we're leaving though. We're going. Here we go. Sharona, you coming? [Sharona holds out the keys] Keys. Keys. Good parking spot, though, don't you think? I mean, lucky, lucky. Can't beat it with a stick. [Monk gets in the rear driver's seat] Okay, I got it. [Monk gets in the right door] See you next time.
[As Monk cautiously reverses, he hits a park car. He awkwardly drives forward anyway and pulls out of the spot.]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: How's Anita?
Adam Kirk: Oh, she's good. Thanks for asking.
Adrian Monk: Where is she?
Adam Kirk: You just missed her. She's just out shopping. She should be back, oh, any minute now.
Adrian Monk: Listen, friend, if I'm gonna help you out, y-you can't lie to me.
Adam Kirk: What?
Adrian Monk: You two had a fight. She moved out.
Adam Kirk: Now, who told you that?
Adrian Monk: The woman is obviously into gardening, but every plant in the place is dying.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Sharona: You remember Benjy.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yes. How you doing, Benjy? You're in Little League, right? Yeah. I think my kid beaned you last year.

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