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‘Mr. Monk and the Earthquake’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Earthquake

111. Mr. Monk and the Earthquake

Aired October 4, 2002

Monk investigates the death of a local philanthropist during an earthquake. Meanwhile, Sharona, Benjy and Monk take shelter at Sharona's sister Gail's house.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Gail Fleming: Okay, I got one!
Sharona: It's a movie. Uh, six words.
Adrian Monk: The Man Who Came to Dinner.
Gail Fleming: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: It's a movie about a houseguest who wouldn't leave. Six words. You were looking at me.

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Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Uh, Adrian, listen. Now that you're home, there's something we have to talk about.
Adrian Monk: Uh-oh.
Sharona: I haven't been paid since the earthquake.
Adrian Monk: Are you sure?
Sharona: Yeah. It's been three weeks. Here's your checkbook.
Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish]
Sharona: That's not funny.
Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish]
Sharona: Okay, will ya stop it? You owe me money.
Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish]
Sharona: I know you're faking it.
Adrian Monk: I'm not faking it!
Sharona: You just spoke English!

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: Gail, remember when I went out to visit Mom when she broke her wrist?
Gail Fleming: Yeah.
Sharona: And remember you said that you owe me big time?
Gail Fleming: Mm.
Sharona: Remember?
Gail Fleming: [sees Monk waiting behind a lamppost] Oh, no.
Sharona: I swear. I swear. He's gonna be good. Come on! Come on. You know, he's not as bad as he was. He's just freaked out about this earthquake. I can't leave him alone.
Gail Fleming: I guess he can sleep on the couch.
Sharona: Well, actually he's gonna need the guest room. He doesn't sleep on couches.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Darryl Wright: Benjy, it's my turn. You take it.
Benjy: Okay.
Darryl Wright: Off you go. A fast game is a good game.
Benjy: Um...
Sharona: It's a movie.
Adrian Monk: Spider-Man.
Benjy: He's right.
Adrian Monk: Well, he's seen he's seen the movie 20 times, and he was just reading the comic, so I figured...
Sharona: He's 11 years old. Let him have fun.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Benjy: [knocking] Mr. Monk? Mr. Monk, are you in there?
Adrian Monk: Don't come in. I'm taking a bath.
Gail Fleming: Are you taking a bath in mineral water?
Adrian Monk: Uh, the tap water was a little rusty.
Gail Fleming: Well, enjoy it because that bath is costing me $95.
Adrian Monk: Okay. Thank you.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Gail Fleming: Oh, hi. Can I, um... Can I help you?
Lieutenant Disher: Good afternoon. I'm Lieutenant Disher, San Francisco Police. I need to speak to Adrian Monk.
Gail Fleming: Oh, uh, he's in the bathroom right now washing up.
Lieutenant Disher: That would be Monk.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Adrian, I have to tell you I'm very impressed. I mean, I thought you'd be a basket case. Everything's broken. Where were you when it happened?
Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish]
Sharona: What?
Adrian Monk: [repeats gibberish] [speaks gibberish]
Sharona: Are you okay?
Adrian Monk: [speaks angrily in gibberish]
Sharona: Adrian, you're not speaking English. You know that, right?
Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish]
Sharona: Oh, she'll be all right. What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish]... Not right about this room.
Sharona: Adrian, you can talk!
Adrian Monk: Of course I can talk. What is wrong with you?
Sharona: Nothing is wrong with me.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: I guess we're gonna have to find a hotel.
Darryl Wright: Good luck. I've been calling all morning. There's nary a room left in the whole city.
Sharona: "Nary a room"?
Darryl Wright: That's what I said.
Sharona: Well, we can always stay at Aunt Gail's.
Benjy: Why can't we stay at Mr. Monk's?
Sharona: Because I will go crazy slower at Aunt Gail's.

Quote from Sharona

Gail Fleming: I just talked to Mom. She's freakin' out. She heard some guy on CNN talk about aftershocks. I could not get her off the phone.
Sharona: You should get caller I.D.
Gail Fleming: I have caller I.D. I had it before you.
Sharona: No, you didn't. I told you about caller I.D.
Gail Fleming: What?
Sharona: I had caller I.D. when I lived in Valencia. Remember, you came over and I showed you how it worked?
Gail Fleming: I had caller I.D. when I was living with Lenny in Seattle.
Sharona: Okay, you never told me that.
Gail Fleming: I know. I was avoiding your calls.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: How'd you know the name of the book?
Adrian Monk: The little story he told at dinner about the bridge collapsing. It was a novel from the '20s called The Bridge at San Luis Rey.
Sharona: Don't do this. Every time I like somebody, you ruin it.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: And there's no way he could have been nominated for a Pulitzer.
Sharona: Maybe he's a good writer.
Adrian Monk: It's not that. The Pulitzer is only for American journalism. He said that story was published in Australia.
Sharona: So what? Maybe he's trying to impress me. Maybe he likes me. Ugh. God. And you're scaring him away. Gail's trying to seduce him, and I'm stuck in the middle as usual.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Captain Stottlemeyer: You got a name?
Lieutenant Disher: Yep, David Bushner. Age 44. He was a gas company tech. Stabbed, one in the chest. He went missing late last night. Phone company crew just found him.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Where is his truck?
Lieutenant Disher: It's, uh, parked up on Downey where he left it. We don't know if this is the murder scene or if he was dumped here.
Captain Stottlemeyer: No. He was killed somewhere else.
Lieutenant Disher: Are you sure?
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah. The body's on an incline, head down. Look at the blood stain on his chest. Blood doesn't flow uphill. At least not in my experience.

Quote from Sharona

Sharona: He can tell what you're thinking just by how you're sitting in your chair.
Darryl Wright: Wow. I should write about him.
Sharona: You should. Nobody would believe it. You'd have to put it in the science fiction section.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Gail Fleming: Are you, um... Are you really a cop?
Lieutenant Disher: Yes, I am. Look at the nice picture.
Gail Fleming: Why did you get rid of the mustache?
Lieutenant Disher: My captain has a mustache. I shaved mine off so that people could tell us apart. Sharona never told me she had a sister.
Gail Fleming: Younger. How long have you known her for?
Lieutenant Disher: Four years now.
Gail Fleming: Really? And she never mentioned me at all?
Lieutenant Disher: Well, she's obviously a little jealous.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Gail Fleming: You know, I dated a cop once. I still have his handcuffs on my bedpost.
Lieutenant Disher: Then I should inform you you are still in possession of stolen property. I might have to bring you down to the station.
Gail Fleming: Really? I might not mind that.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Uh, so, uh, what's it like having Adrian Monk as a houseguest?
Gail Fleming: Well, a few years ago, a squirrel got into the house and I could hear it running through the attic and the walls. It took me two months to get rid of it. It drove me crazy.
Lieutenant Disher: And?
Gail Fleming: It's like that.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Do you have any Q-tips?
Gail Fleming: Well, Lieutenant Disher dropped by.
Adrian Monk: He did?
Gail Fleming: Yeah. You know, he's kinda cute. I've got this thing for cops.
Adrian Monk: Yes, I know. That's why you and I get along so swimmingly. Do you have any white ones?
Gail Fleming: What's the difference?
Adrian Monk: These are blue. I'll wait for Sharona.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish on the phone with the captain]
Gail Fleming: Why don't you write it down?
Captain Stottlemeyer: That's a great idea. Write it down.
Gail Fleming: Well, he's writing it down. It says, uh... [reads gibberish]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish]
Cab Driver: What the hell is that? Korean?
Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish]
Cab Driver: Chinese?
Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish]
Cab Driver: Turn here? You want me to turn here? Is that what you're saying? Do you want me to turn here? Is that what you're saying? They come over here and they take our welfare, and they take our food stamps, but they don't bother to learn our damn language.
Adrian Monk: [speaks gibberish]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Cab Driver: Hey, hey! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Adrian Monk: Keep the change!
Cab Driver: So you can talk. Bilingual sons of bitches.

Quote from Captain Stottlemeyer

Darryl Wright: Son of a bitch!
Captain Stottlemeyer: I'm surprised you can talk with a broken jaw.
Darryl Wright: I don't have a broken jaw.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Not yet!

Quote from Adrian Monk

Sharona: Adrian! Adrian, are you okay? Oh, God. It's all over.
Adrian Monk: I'm gonna need a broom.


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