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‘Mr. Monk and the Red Herring’ Quotes

Monk: Mr. Monk and the Red Herring

310. Mr. Monk and the Red Herring

Aired January 21, 2005

As Monk struggles to find a new assistant who would allow him to return to work, Captain Stottlemeyer encourages Natalie, who killed an intruder in self-defense, to ask for Monk's help.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Applicant #2: You're looking for someone to start right away?
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Applicant #2: What would my hours be?
Adrian Monk: 9 A.M...
Applicant #2: Until?
Adrian Monk: Until one...
Applicant #2: 1 P.M?
Adrian Monk: Until one of us dies.

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Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Lieutenant Disher: Sir, there's gotta be a connection here. Do you know the odds against two different men breaking into the same house in the same week?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I don't. Do you?
Lieutenant Disher: No.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: It's a goldfish.
Adrian Monk: Well, technically, it's a crimson marble fish.
Lieutenant Disher: Is it extinct?
Captain Stottlemeyer: If it was extinct, we wouldn't be looking at it, would we?

Quote from Natalie

Adrian Monk: Wait a minute, what? Wait, Natalie. Wait a second. Wait. Here's the thing. Uh, I can't lie. Uh, I'm not good at it. I got lucky with that Tic-tac thing.
Natalie: Are you a man?
Adrian Monk: Am I...
Natalie: Are you a man?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Natalie: Then you can lie. That's what men do.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: [on the phone] Mr. Monk, it's Natalie Teeger. Yeah, I was calling to see if you still needed the assistant. No, I can't come tonight. Because I can't leave my daughter. Okay, okay, okay, just relax. How big is the spider?

Quote from Julie Teeger

Adrian Monk: Is there money in the house?
Natalie: No.
Adrian Monk: What about the coffee can? Isn't that where you hide your money?
Natalie: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: There's coffee grounds on the counter indicating that it's been opened recently, but you don't have a coffeemaker.
Julie Teeger: Wow, he's like Velma from Scooby-doo.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Are you Monk?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Natalie: Adrian Monk?
Adrian Monk: Right.
Natalie: The detective? The famous, admired, respected detective?
Adrian Monk: If you still want the job, we can go talk in the kitchen.
Natalie: What job?
Adrian Monk: Aren't you here from the agency?
Natalie: No. I came here to hire you. I'm Natalie Teeger. Captain Stottlemeyer said that you might be able to help me.
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie: He said you were the best cop he's ever met. I guess he's never seen you put out a fire.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Your husband was in the navy?
Natalie: Yeah, he died six years ago.
Julie Teeger: He was a pilot.
Adrian Monk: And you recently started dating again.
Natalie: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: It's patently obvious. I happened to notice these in your coat pocket. Birth control pills. [off Natalie's horrified look] Oh, I'm sorry.
Natalie: I can't believe you just did that! Right in front of my daughter? What is wrong with you? Do you have, like, zero social skills?
Julie Teeger: Mom, it's okay. I'm not a baby.
Adrian Monk: Wait a minute! Wait a minute. Oh, my mistake. These are not birth control pills. These are, these are Tic-tacs. Just little pink and green Tic-tac candies. But don't eat them. They're... They're special, adult, you know, Tic-tacs.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Look at this guy. He's eating out of two trays at one time. He's keeping them even. They're perfectly even.
Carl: Yeah, it's Sergeant Pepper. Hey, you want him? You can have him for free. We can't get rid of him. Customers keep bringing him back.
Natalie: How come?
Carl: Mm, he's depressing, he doesn't talk, he just mopes around, cleaning himself, straightening up his cage.
His cage always has to be perfect.
Natalie: Hmm. What's wrong with him?
Adrian Monk: His wife died.
Carl: Yeah. That's right. We had a female in there with him. She died about a year ago. He hasn't been the same ever since.
Natalie: Well, why don't you put another female in there?
Adrian Monk: It won't work. He'll never feel the same way about anybody else.
Carl: Yeah, that's right. We tried it, but I'm afraid Sergeant Pepper's just gonna grow old and die alone in his little cage. [walks away]
Natalie: So what was her name?
Adrian Monk: Trudy.

Quote from Natalie

Human Corpuscle: Hello! I'm a white corpuscle! I'm an important part of your body's defense system. I travel through your bloodstream and I fight bacteria and diseases. Would you like to know more about me?
Natalie: No. I'd like to know less about you.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: It's been three months. How are you holding up?
Adrian Monk: Well, I've made a decision.
Dr. Kroger: Good.
Adrian Monk: When she comes back, I'm not gonna pay her for the weeks she missed. I have to draw the line. I'm docking her pay.
Dr. Kroger: Adrian, Sharona is not coming back.
Adrian Monk: She'll be back. Believe me. I, I think I know her a lot better than you do.
Dr. Kroger: Didn't she sell her house?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Dr. Kroger: And she moved back to New Jersey.
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Dr. Kroger: And she remarried her ex-husband.
Adrian Monk: I'm not sure I like where you're going here.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, you were lucky to know her. And I know you'll always be grateful, but it's time for you to move on. You've gotta start looking for your new assistant.
Adrian Monk: Impossible.
Dr. Kroger: Yeah, well, that's what you said before you found Sharona. But, Adrian, you've got to start looking. Your new assistant is out there somewhere.
Adrian Monk: God help her.

Quote from Lieutenant Disher

Captain Stottlemeyer: Is it rare? Valuable?
Natalie: Costs about a dollar. Any pet store has a hundred of them.
Captain Stottlemeyer: I don't know.
Adrian Monk: He brought a fishing net into the house.
Natalie: And he turned on the light over the aquarium.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Well, does anybody have any ideas?
Lieutenant Disher: Maybe it swallowed something. Like, a diamond.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Does anybody besides Randy have any ideas?

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: What do you call a guy who studies fish?
Adrian Monk: An ichthyologist.
Natalie: That's what you are.
Adrian Monk: No, I'm not.
Natalie: Yes, you are.
Adrian Monk: I really don't think I am.
Natalie: Yeah, for the next five minutes, you are. I need you to tell Julie's teacher that a marble fish can live longer than two years, okay?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Dr. Kroger: Adrian, Sharona is moving on with her life, and if you loved her, you'd be happy for her.
Adrian Monk: She wasn't just my assistant.
Dr. Kroger: I know.
Adrian Monk: When she found me, I was drowning. She saved my life.
Dr. Kroger: I know. I know. I was there.
Adrian Monk: You're a doctor. Can't you make her come back? What would you like me to do?
Dr. Kroger: Fly back to New Jersey and drug her, bring her back here?
Adrian Monk: No. But thank you. She's pretty smart. She'd probably escape.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Applicant #1: I've been a registered nurse for 14 years. These are my references.
Adrian Monk: Your staple's crooked.
Applicant #1: I've been voted California nurse of the year three years in a row.
Adrian Monk: Mm-hmm, yeah. What's up with this staple?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Mrs. Bowen: Mr. Monk, I'm a little confused.
Adrian Monk: Me, too.
Mrs. Bowen: See, I'm a registered nurse. And physically, you seem to be fine. Are you looking for a housekeeper?
Adrian Monk: No, what? No, no. I, I, I can clean the house. Don't worry about that. That's covered. She didn't give me any notice. I guess she was worried that I'd have a nervous breakdown or... But, but her son, Benjy, he he gave me this letter. He left me this.
Mrs. Bowen: It's in a baggie.
Adrian Monk: It's an evidence bag. Read the P.S. Did you read the P.S.?
Mrs. Bowen: Yeah, it's heartbreaking. Uh, Mr. Monk, can I be honest with you?
Adrian Monk: I wish you wouldn't.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Mrs. Bowen: I've had tons of patients like you. There is nothing wrong with you. It's all up here. It's psychological.
Adrian Monk: Right, right.
Mrs. Bowen: What you really need is a wife.
Adrian Monk: Oh, whoa. Uh, we just met. Okay? I don't even know you.
Mrs. Bowen: It's not me. I'm not proposing to you. It's a statement of fact. [takes out a cigarette]
Adrian Monk: Excuse me.
Mrs. Bowen: You gotta stop whining, you know?
Adrian Monk: There, there's no smoking.
Mrs. Bowen: Sharona moved away, wah, wah, wah. You know what? You have got to get out of the house. You gotta do something. Go bowling. You know, meet some people. That is my advice to you.
Adrian Monk: You gotta, you gotta put that out!
Mrs. Bowen: All right. Don't get all twisted up. There. It's out. And so am I. Another morning shot to hell.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Captain Stottlemeyer: Monk, come here. Look, how's it going? I've been worried about you.
Adrian Monk: No, uh, I've been worried about me, too.
Captain Stottlemeyer: How are those interviews going? Did you find anybody?
Adrian Monk: I've narrowed it down. To nobody.
Adrian Monk: Whatever happened with your wife's niece? The one who's the nurse?
Adrian Monk: She never called me.
Captain Stottlemeyer: Yeah, I know. Um here's the thing, Monk. I love her.
Adrian Monk: I understand.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Mitch wanted to be an astronaut. That was his dream. Three days after his plane went down, he got a registered letter from NASA. He'd been accepted into their training program.
Adrian Monk: It hurts, I know.
Natalie: Life goes on. [off Monk's look] Doesn't it?

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Detective Monk, hurry up. He's getting away! Hurry! What are you doing?
Adrian Monk: Wait. Okay, wait, wait, wait. Wait, listen. Maybe I should've mentioned this earlier, but I, see, the thing is, I have a number of phobias.
Natalie: You? No.
Adrian Monk: Oh, yes. Yes, and one of them, near the top of the list, actually, is the miracle of birth.
Natalie: You're gonna be okay. Just take my hand. Okay, fetus ahead!
Adrian Monk: Oh, no! Ooh, I can't go up there. Ah, I, I don't even know this woman.
Natalie: Okay, but we're gonna lose him! Pretend you're in a funhouse!
Adrian Monk: Funhouse, no. What's fun about fallopian tubes? I can't, I gotta I can't now.
Natalie: Okay, you know what, just forget it, okay? We're outta here.
Adrian Monk: Okay.
Natalie: No, no, no. We have to go through the pelvis.
Adrian Monk: I think this is gonna be a cesarean. [alarmed door sounds]

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Mr. Franklin? Uh, when Julie told me about your problem, I called Berkeley and talked to the science department, and found my own expert. This is professor Larry Tilburn. He was kind enough to meet me here this morning.
Mr. Franklin: Hi.
Adrian Monk: Hello.
Natalie: He's an ick... icky...
Adrian Monk: Ichthyologist.
Natalie: Ichthyologist. He's world renowned. Has written just a page-turner of a book on fresh water fish.
Mr. Franklin: Really? What's it called?
Adrian Monk: Fresh Water Fish, by Larry Tilburn.
Natalie: Great title. I tried to read it, and just forget it. [chuckles]

Quote from Adrian Monk

Natalie: Professor? Professor Tilburn? Professor Tilburn. Mr. Franklin here doesn't think that Julie's fish you know the one that I showed you, could live longer than a year or two. What do you think?
Adrian Monk: I think it can.
Mr. Franklin: I don't see how. It's a common variety marble fish. Has a miniscule genome size and almost no immune system.
Adrian Monk: Let's go. Let's get outta here. [off Natalie's look] That's true. That's true about most marble fish. But this is a completely different species. This is the North Korean marble fish.
Mr. Franklin: North Korean?
Adrian Monk: It's a very strong fish. It's a very tough fish. Would have to be to live in a country like, uh...
Adrian & Natalie: North Korea.
Natalie: Right.
Adrian Monk: This fish could live for... Oh, my God, three or four years. [Natalie shakes her head] Four and a half or five. [still shaking] Or six. [nods] Or six, six, that's it. Six years.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: You really are the worst liar in the whole world.
Adrian Monk: I tried to tell you that.
Natalie: An honest man. Who'd have thunk it? Come on, Larry. I'll take you home.

Quote from Adrian Monk

Adrian Monk: Natalie, so I've been thinking. Uh, if you, if you really hate it here. I mean, if you're really not happy, if you really hate it here, I am looking for a new assistant.
Natalie: Thank you, Adrian. I appreciate that. But I'm not the "Girl Friday" type.
Adrian Monk: Yeah, I understand. I couldn't work for me, either. To tell you the truth, I don't know how, how Sharona lasted as long as she did.

Quote from Natalie

Natalie: Pretty crazy day, huh? Think you'll be able to sleep?
Julie Teeger: Yeah, I think so. How's Mr. Henry?
Natalie: Oh, he's fine. He's a very brave fish.
Julie Teeger: Mr. Monk saved his life.
Natalie: You know that moonrock is worth over two million bucks? But when Mr. Henry was in trouble, Mr. Monk forgot all about that moonrock. All he cared about was saving Mr. Henry. I could only think of one other man in the whole world who would have done something like that.
Julie Teeger: Daddy?
Natalie: Daddy.


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