Applicant #2: You're looking for someone to start right away?
Adrian Monk: That's right.
Applicant #2: What would my hours be?
Adrian Monk: 9 A.M...
Applicant #2: Until?
Adrian Monk: Until one...
Applicant #2: 1 P.M?
Adrian Monk: Until one of us dies.

Lieutenant Disher: Sir, there's gotta be a connection here. Do you know the odds against two different men breaking into the same house in the same week?
Captain Stottlemeyer: No, I don't. Do you?
Lieutenant Disher: No.

Captain Stottlemeyer: It's a goldfish.
Adrian Monk: Well, technically, it's a crimson marble fish.
Lieutenant Disher: Is it extinct?
Captain Stottlemeyer: If it was extinct, we wouldn't be looking at it, would we?

Adrian Monk: Wait a minute, what? Wait, Natalie. Wait a second. Wait. Here's the thing. Uh, I can't lie. Uh, I'm not good at it. I got lucky with that Tic-tac thing.
Natalie: Are you a man?
Adrian Monk: Am I...
Natalie: Are you a man?
Adrian Monk: Yes.
Natalie: Then you can lie. That's what men do.

Natalie: [on the phone] Mr. Monk, it's Natalie Teeger. Yeah, I was calling to see if you still needed the assistant. No, I can't come tonight. Because I can't leave my daughter. Okay, okay, okay, just relax. How big is the spider?

Adrian Monk: Your husband was in the navy?
Natalie: Yeah, he died six years ago.
Julie Teeger: He was a pilot.
Adrian Monk: And you recently started dating again.
Natalie: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: It's patently obvious. I happened to notice these in your coat pocket. Birth control pills. [off Natalie's horrified look] Oh, I'm sorry.
Natalie: I can't believe you just did that! Right in front of my daughter? What is wrong with you? Do you have, like, zero social skills?
Julie Teeger: Mom, it's okay. I'm not a baby.
Adrian Monk: Wait a minute! Wait a minute. Oh, my mistake. These are not birth control pills. These are, these are Tic Tacs. Just little pink and green Tic Tac candies. But don't eat them. They're... They're special, adult, you know, Tic Tacs.

Adrian Monk: Look at this guy. He's eating out of two trays at one time. He's keeping them even. They're perfectly even.
Carl: Yeah, it's Sergeant Pepper. Hey, you want him? You can have him for free. We can't get rid of him. Customers keep bringing him back.
Natalie: How come?
Carl: Mm, he's depressing, he doesn't talk, he just mopes around, cleaning himself, straightening up his cage.
His cage always has to be perfect.
Natalie: Hmm. What's wrong with him?
Adrian Monk: His wife died.
Carl: Yeah. That's right. We had a female in there with him. She died about a year ago. He hasn't been the same ever since.
Natalie: Well, why don't you put another female in there?
Adrian Monk: It won't work. He'll never feel the same way about anybody else.
Carl: Yeah, that's right. We tried it, but I'm afraid Sergeant Pepper's just gonna grow old and die alone in his little cage. [walks away]
Natalie: So what was her name?
Adrian Monk: Trudy.

Adrian Monk: Is there money in the house?
Natalie: No.
Adrian Monk: What about the coffee can? Isn't that where you hide your money?
Natalie: How did you know that?
Adrian Monk: There's coffee grounds on the counter indicating that it's been opened recently, but you don't have a coffeemaker.
Julie Teeger: Wow, he's like Velma from Scooby-Doo.

Natalie: Are you Monk?
Adrian Monk: Yeah.
Natalie: Adrian Monk?
Adrian Monk: Right.
Natalie: The detective? The famous, admired, respected detective?
Adrian Monk: If you still want the job, we can go talk in the kitchen.
Natalie: What job?
Adrian Monk: Aren't you here from the agency?
Natalie: No. I came here to hire you. I'm Natalie Teeger. Captain Stottlemeyer said that you might be able to help me.
Adrian Monk: No.
Natalie: He said you were the best cop he's ever met. I guess he's never seen you put out a fire.

Human Corpuscle: Hello! I'm a white corpuscle! I'm an important part of your body's defense system. I travel through your bloodstream and I fight bacteria and diseases. Would you like to know more about me?
Natalie: No. I'd like to know less about you.