Dick: Mary, what happened to your arm?
Mary: Oh, it's nothing. After they wrapped my ribs, the nurse walked me to my car and slammed my shoulder into the door.
Dick: I guess accidents will happen, huh?
Mary: Yeah. [chuckles] She then took me back to the hospital, and they forced it back into its socket, gave me a shot of cortisone.
Dick: Oh, well, I hope that made it feel better.
Mary: Well, no. The cortisone was mismarked. It was minoxidil. But they tell me the excess hair will fall out by beach weather.

Don: Nah, it's fake.
Tommy: How do you know?
Don: Well, the laminate is peeling from the cardboard, and I used to date your sister. Come on, Tommy.
Tommy: I am not Tommy. My name is Anatoly. I'm from the U.S. territory of Guam.
Don: Okay. Then where exactly is Guam located?
Tommy: The kidney-shaped island of Guam is located at 13 degrees north latitude, 144 degrees longitude. Its official bird is the Toto, also known as the fruit darter-
Don: All right, nobody knows that much about Guam. [to Tommy's high school friends Elman and Romano] Oh, Mr. Chubais. Mr. Chubais. I saved you a table. Thank you. Now, they're Guamish.

Dick: Well, what's wrong, Tommy?
Tommy: All these different colleges want me. I don't know where to go. There's Harvard, Yale, MIT, Cambridge.
Sally: Hey, you should go to that place. Everybody's gorgeous, and it's right by the beach.
Tommy: It's the J. Crew catalog.
Harry: There's the school for me.

Dick: Well, what about dinner?
Sally: It's so much harder than I thought. I actually have to learn how to respect my coworkers if I'm going to keep this job.
Tommy: "No offense but you're offending me." What's this?
Sally: Oh, it's a pamphlet about understanding and tolerance and all that crap. Anyway, I read it, and as hard as this is to believe, sometimes I think I make people feel uncomfortable.
Tommy: Oh, get out.

Mary: Dick, I heard you ran out of Dr. Howard's office today.
Dick: That's not true. It's my word against his.
Nina: Ahem.
Dick: It's Nina's and my word against his.
Nina: Oh, give it up.
Dick: Oh, fine. I left your office. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But it wasn't out of fear, no. It was out of protest.
Judith: Oh, this should be good.
Dick: You doctors. Your A.M.A.s and your H.M.O.s. People treat you like gods. But you're just a bunch of mountebanks and charlatans, with your "vaccines" and your "penicillins." Oh, sure, people are healthier now than ever, but at what cost? Well, I'll have none of it. Good night, good doctor. Good night! [silence] [runs outs]

Harry: It's so hard to keep track of all this.
Dick: I know, don't we have it all written down someplace?
Tommy: Yeah, it's all in the mission statement.
Dick: Where is that thing, anyway?
Tommy: Well, if anybody's wondering, I didn't leave it on the bus.
Dick: Well, we can't be on a mission without a mission statement. You guys are gonna have to write up a new one.
Tommy: What? Why us?
Dick: Because subordinates must do whatever the High Commander says.
Harry: Boy, that reminds me of a mission statement I once read on a bus.

Dick: Good morning, Nina. You'll be glad to know I'm feeling much better.
Nina: [congested] I am so happy for you. I'm going home.
Dick: Why?
Nina: Because I'm sick, that's why.
Dick: Really? What a coincidence. You're getting sick just as I'm getting better.
[Nina picks up Dick's telephone receiver and coughs on it]
Nina: Have a nice day.