Lois: [answers phone] Hello.
Francis: Mom, great news. I figured out a way to get home Wednesday.
Lois: Francis...
Francis: No, it won't cost you a cent. One of the cadet's fathers is a trucker. He said I can ride in the refrigerator compartment to the 609 interchange. And a buddy of his flies a crop duster. Now, if he's sober, he should be able to drop me off at the soybean field near the train station...

Lois: You're doing this because of what a seven-year-old said?
Malcolm: It was horrible. He made Dad cry.
Hal: This kid was ruthless... but fair.
Dewey: His dad did a puppet show.
Hal: I'll tell you boys, life is crazy. One day you're in community college driving a Camaro T-top, cock of the walk, and then you need some cash, so you get a job. You think it's only temporary, but then you get a promotion and then a raise, and all these doors open up for you, except they're not really doors. They're trapdoors. And then all of a sudden... bam! 20 years has zipped by, and you're thinking, "Is this all I have to my life?" Not you kids. I love you kids, but, come on... The house, it's crap.

[As Paula and her date emerge from her house, Lois and Reese are hidden in the bushes with the catapult]
Lois: They're moving. Adjust left.
Reese: Adjusting left.
[After lining up the machine, Reese adds the paint balloon which hits Paula.]
Lois: Direct hit.
Paula: Oh, my God! [whines] Stop it! Make them stop! [Paula's boyfriend uses her as a shield] Let go of me you coward? Stop it! [cries]
Reese: This is nice. Just the two of us.
Lois: I was just thinking the same thing.
Paula: [whines] Stop it! Stop!

Malcolm: Check this out.
Reese: What does it say?
Malcolm: Just read it. It's funny.
Reese: I don't read. Not unless I absolutely have to for school. Otherwise, I feel like they've won.
Malcolm: You never read the paper?
Reese: No.
Malcolm: Not even comics? Like Peanuts? You never read Peanuts?
Reese: Nope.
Malcolm: Are you serious? You've never read Peanuts?
Reese: Uh-uh.
[cut to Malcolm holding a football to the ground as Reese prepares to run and kick it:]
Malcolm: Go ahead. I promise I'll hold it.

Lois: Hi, Dewey. How was school?
Dewey: Terrible! I missed the school bus because I didn't know what time it was, and then I was late for a spelling test because I didn't know what time it was, and then David Klausner beat me up because I didn't know what time it was!
Lois: You want to know what time it is, Dewey? It's half past a roof over your head, clean clothes, and three meals a day. That's what time it is!
Dewey: Let me tell you something, Mom. The roof leaks, the clothes are hand-me-downs, and the food stinks!
Lois: Room!
Dewey: Dirty!

Dewey: Mom, I have a proposal for you. Now, before you start poking holes in it, I'd like you to hear me out. All I want is no more school and no more big boy clothes. I'd liked to be bathed and rocked before I go to sleep and have all my food mashed up. In return, I'll be adorable and...
Lois: Are you wearing a diaper?
Dewey: I want you to know my level of commitment. [clenches face]
Lois: [o.s.] Oh, my God!

Reese: Dad, you have to understand. The reason I missed so many days of school, was that the calendar on my watch stopped. I thought it was Saturday all week.