TV Quotes

Pizza Guy: That's $11.50.
Dewey: I gave all my cash to the video guy. Do you take credit cards?
Pizza Guy: Yeah.
Dewey: Is one enough?
Pizza Guy: Better make that two.
Dewey: Thank you.

Reese: Just remember, Mom, in a world of lies, truth is your only weapon. [off everyone's looks] What? It's not?

Hal: [answers phone] Hello.
Francis: Hey, Dad. I need a favor.
Hal: Let's hear it.
[Dewey sneaks into the kitchen and grabs a pack of chips from the kitchen before returning to his room]
Francis: Well, some of the other cadets are going in together on an old car, and if I put in $100 I get the car every seventh weekend. I could take road trips and go on dates. I could drive underprivileged children to cultural stuff.
Hal: Oh, come on, Francis. That's ridiculous. I'm not giving you the money to buy one-seventh of a piece of junk.
Francis: Okay. Just thought I'd ask. Later, Dad.
Hal: Bye.

Hal: Hi, son. Didn't hear you drive up.
Malcolm: I decided to walk.
Hal: So, how's the job going?
Malcolm: They were jerks, so I quit.
Hal: Well, that's pretty much what work is. Welcome to the club.

Malcolm: [to camera] Once every six months, Mom wakes us up at 5 a.m., shoves us into the car and makes us go to the outlet stores.
Lois: I tell you, I am never disappointed in Value Village. No other place in the county has such a selection of irregulars.
Dewey: Are these made in some country where people aren't symmetrical?
Lois: Stop complaining. If it weren't for Value Village, most of this family would have to run around naked. That place is all that separates us from the apes.

[Reese is eating a jalapeno pepper as Malcolm reads the Guinness Book of World Records]
Reese: [groans] How many more for the record?
Malcolm: Two more tubs should do it. [to camera] There really isn't a category for eating jalapenos, but I think he's probably suffered enough. I'm going to tell him in a minute.
[cut to Malcolm dumping another bag of ice in Reese's bath:]
Reese: [whimpers]
Malcolm: [to camera] I'm so close to telling him, honest.
[cut to Reese running into a wall:]
Reese: [yells] Ninty-seven.
Malcolm: [to camera] Really, I'm going to tell him.
Reese: [yells]

News Reporter: Over here we have the proud mother of these three young protesters. What do you want the nation to know about your boys?
Lois: No comment.
News Reporter: So you must be the father? Can we get some comment from you?
Hal: I... I don't know that I really want to sound off.
News Reporter: How do you account for your sons' extraordinary sensitivity to women's issues?
Hal: Well, Dinah, in our house we emphasize the rights of all people. I've tried to pass along what I like to call "core values." Equality, respect, compassion, nutrition. We have something called the Clean Plate Club.