Malcolm: He's just using you and what's worse is you're falling for it!
Cynthia: Leave me alone!
Reese: You heard her.
Malcolm: But... What's her name?
Reese: What?
Malcolm: What's her name?
Reese: I know what her name is. And I'm not gonna dignify that with a response. I know what her name is, and her name is...
[As Reese reaches out to feel Cynthia's top, she decks him]
Cynthia: How could you be so creepy? Don't you even have the remotest sense of decency towards a fellow human being? [kicks Reese] I have feelings! I will be treated with respect! I will not be objectified! I will not be humiliated! Now kiss my shoe! Kiss my shoe!

Hal: I don't understand it! An entire roast?! With your bare hands?! And the... the... The salad, the potatoes, the green beans! What do you have to say for yourself?!
Dewey: I was hungry, I guess.
Reese: [to Malcolm] This is great. Let's tell him about the dog and really nail his coffin shut!
Malcolm: Not yet. I have a hunch.
Hal: An entire stick of butter?!
Reese: Now! Let's tell them now.
Malcolm: Wait for it, wait for it. Wait a second.
Hal: How could you eat a candle?
Dewey: I like candles. [bites off a chunk of candle] I think they're good.
Hal: That's it! You are going to the hospital and getting your stomach pumped!

Malcolm: [trumpet plays] We're gathered here today to say good-bye to Jumpy Number Eight.
Dewey: Nine.
Malcolm: Nine. He was a good... Nine? Are you sure, nine? [Dewey nods] Anyway, he was a very good frog. And he led a very full life.
Reese: I remember when I stuck him in Mom's sun visor and she almost hit that lady in the crosswalk. It was hysterical.
Malcolm: Farewell, Jumpy Number Nine. We know you're going to a better place.
Dewey: [salutes] Bye, Jumpy.
Malcolm: Dad?
[Hal lights the rocket to which Jumpy is taped, sending it up into the air with a pop]
Reese: May he rest in pieces.
Malcolm & Dewey: Amen.

Francis: Big news, guys. Things are going to get a lot more interesting around here.
Malcolm: What's up? I forget you guys enjoy wrestling, don't you?
Reese: Rage in the Cage?!
Malcolm: Oh, my God! You're the best brother ever! We're going to have so much f... That's only two tickets.
Francis: I know. How am I ever going to decide which one of you to take?
Malcolm: You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?
Francis: No, of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me... but I bet one of you loves me just a little bit more.

Hal: So, I'm going in three days ahead of him for the interview. I mean, Nick won't have any trouble finding another job. They guy's an ex-Navy Seal. Of course, ethically, you could argue it's stealing. But look at hip-hop! They sample music all the time. Is that stealing, or is that art?
Lois: Hal, you have a family. Go in for the interview.

Malcolm: Mom, what are you doing? I was in the middle of a game!
Lois: Do you want to explain why I found circled want ads sticking out of your backpack?!
Malcolm: Yes, I do.
Lois: I'm not interested! You are not finding another job!
Malcolm: Huh?
Lois: No! You are not getting a job away from my constant supervision, and that's it. I'm not going to risk your future by giving you even a second of freedom! This family has too much invested in you. Oh, cheer up. Once I find a proper wife for you, you'll have your precious space.

Malcolm: Reese, you're a genius.
Reese: What?
Malcolm: That girl, Alison, just asked me why everyone in the world has accents except for us. And instead of going into this long explanation, I thought of the Minty-Mint song. And all that came out of my mouth was, "Because they're weird," and she liked it.
Reese: Cool.
Malcolm: I could actually feel my brain click off. She said I was cute, and then she touched my shoulder.
Reese: Let's keep this in the family, understand?