Dewey: Mom, I have a proposal for you. Now, before you start poking holes in it, I'd like you to hear me out. All I want is no more school and no more big boy clothes. I'd liked to be bathed and rocked before I go to sleep and have all my food mashed up. In return, I'll be adorable and...
Lois: Are you wearing a diaper?
Dewey: I want you to know my level of commitment. [clenches face]
Lois: [o.s.] Oh, my God!

Dewey: Ever since the day I was born, you guys have been torturing me. I remember you trying to switch me for another baby at the park. I remember you telling me the tooth fairy was a vampire. I remember every wet willy, every booger sandwich, every stink hat-
Reese: Dewey, we're sorry!
Dewey: ...every waffle butt, every Chester Backster and every purple nurple! And now you're going to pay. [Marshmallow barks]
Malcolm: Dewey, this isn't gonna work. Mom and Dad'll be home in a few hours, that dog will be gone, you'll be in trouble and we'll kick your ass for the next ten years!
Dewey: I know. So we'd better get started.
Malcolm: What do you want?
Dewey: Everything. I want everything.

[As Malcolm and Reese watch cartoons on the couch, Dewey stands in front of Reese and smiles]
Reese: What are you looking at, monkey boy?
Dewey: [punches self] Ow! Ow! Ow! Reese!
Reese: What are you doing?
Dewey: Help! Ow! Help! Mom!
Reese: Cut it out. Cut it out.
Dewey: Ow! Help! It hurts! Ow!
Reese: Knock it off, you little- [grabs Dewey]
Lois: Reese, what the heck are you doing? Honest to God, you can't leave that kid alone for five minutes without picking on him!
Reese: I didn't do anything, Mom.
[As Lois drags Reese off, Dewey takes his seat on the couch]
Malcolm: [to camera] I gave him that.

Mrs. White: First, we sort by the number of holes, then by color. What's in your mouth?
Dewey: Nothing.
Mrs. White: There are at least 20 things I will not tolerate and lying is one of them. Spit it out. [Dewey spits a button into her hand] You're eating my buttons.
Dewey: I wasn't eating. I was saving.
Mrs. White: What are you, a hamster? What were you saving it for?
Dewey: I don't know. It's pretty. It's my favorite one.
Mrs. White: You know, actually, it's my favorite, too. What do you think of this one?
Dewey: It's ugly. I hate it.
Mrs. White: So do I. My, you're a smart little boy.

Hal: So, Dewey, I'm thinking our little community can use a school.
Dewey: Don't need it. Everyone's born smart.
Hal: Oh, that's beautiful, son. It's a utopia.
Dewey: And anyone stupid will be ground up for food.
Hal: Ah... a cannibal utopia. Interesting.

Dewey: Live, live, die. Live, live, live, live, die.
Hal: Hey, what happened to the judicial system presided over by a tribunal of wise elders?
Dewey: I had 'em lined up and shot.
Hal: Ah. You know, son, maybe you've been spending too much...
Dewey: Silence! Seize him!
Hal: All right, son, I think it's time you goose-stepped off to bed.
Dewey: Dad! You're embarrassing me in front of my men.

Hal: I don't understand it! An entire roast?! With your bare hands?! And the... the... The salad, the potatoes, the green beans! What do you have to say for yourself?!
Dewey: I was hungry, I guess.
Reese: [to Malcolm] This is great. Let's tell him about the dog and really nail his coffin shut!
Malcolm: Not yet. I have a hunch.
Hal: An entire stick of butter?!
Reese: Now! Let's tell them now.
Malcolm: Wait for it, wait for it. Wait a second.
Hal: How could you eat a candle?
Dewey: I like candles. [bites off a chunk of candle] I think they're good.
Hal: That's it! You are going to the hospital and getting your stomach pumped!

Dewey: [to himself] I also think we should we have meat loaf on Mondays and not on Tuesdays so we can have an extra day of meat loaf sandwiches. I also think the table should be in front of the TV and the couch should be in front of the refrigerator. I also think there should be hand-me-ups instead of hand-me-downs, I think kids should be able to steer, and I think school should be only four hours a day and should be held on top of the building. I also think...

Reese: We are the worst kids in the world. Mom was right.
Dewey: We really are evil little trolls who have absolutely no consideration for anything but ourselves, and destroy everything we come in contact with, and we're lucky if we don't end up in prison or dead.

Dewey: Hello, sir.
Man: Sorry. I don't eat candy.
Dewey: Oh, these aren't candy bars. These are America Bars.
Man: What are you talking about?
Dewey: You know, America Bars. Well, actually, I prefer the term "Freedom Bars." You love America, right?
Man: Well, of course I do.
Dewey: Well, there are a lot of people out there who are hoping we won't do our part.
Man: What do you mean?
Dewey: You know. People. People who don't have this country's best interests at heart.
Man: So, these candy bars help fight terrorism?
Dewey: With every chocolatey, nougaty bite.