Ray: Oh, hi, Patrick, I almost didn't recognize you, you look like one of those people who has that skin condition from eating one too many carrots.

Alexis: Remember when he dumped you? And you ate all those mall pretzels, and watched "Bridget Jones's Diary" every day for a year.
David: It wasn't a whole year, and I will not feel shame about the mall pretzels.

Bob: [runs up] Hey, Johnny. Keepin' busy, or, uh, hardly workin'?
Johnny: Well, first of all, Bob, that's not the expression.

Jocelyn: Okay, you're actively trying to prevent Alexis from auditioning here, and I don't want to get in the middle of some mother daughter competition thing...
Moira: Competition! Nothing of the sort. No, Alexis just doesn't have the life experience.
Jocelyn: Really? Because according to her stories...
Moira: Well, she's had her fair share of adventures, yes. But the role of Sally Bowles requires an actress who can mine a deeper, darker cave. A woman encumbered with secrets she will take with her to the tomb. Hence the high praise Gina Gershon and I received for the role.

Moira: I don't know what to do, David. The last time I felt this emotionally encumbered, I was playing Lady Macbeth on a Crystal Skies cruise ship during Shakespeare at Sea Week.

Alexis: Um, hey! So, why do they give you table scraps? Are you, like, a poor person, or?
Mutt: Uh, no, but thanks for asking. No, I use it to compost. You know, that way nothing gets thrown out. Composting?
Alexis: Yeah, no, I I know composting. Um, Gwyneth Paltrow does a compost gift exchange.

Moira: Very well. Let me see what you're typing! "Big news coming soon, caw caw!" And a little yellow cartoon... winking. You know what would be fun, Alexis, let's put a beak on that winking cartoon.
Alexis: No, you can't do that.
Moira: Let me handle this, please. Okay, is it on? Can they see us?
Alexis: No, you just press "send."
Moira: Alexis, this is exciting! We have our very own digital soapbox here! It reminds me of the Nickelodeon pilot I did in which Ashley Tisdale and I played suffragettes. You remember, "You Go, Girl."