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‘Everybody Hates the Last Day’ Quotes Page 1 of 2

Everybody Hates Chris: Everybody Hates the Last Day

222. Everybody Hates the Last Day

Aired May 14, 2007

Chris is determined to get revenge on Caruso before the end of the school year. Meanwhile, Julius refuses to hire a plumber to fix Mr. Omar's drain, and Drew is excited about leaving his and Tonya's school.

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my father tried to replace a $25-an-hour plumber with a 14 cents-an-ounce bottle.
Mr. Omar: Drainada?
Julius: That's right. It's Spanish Drano.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Doesn't "Drano" already sound Spanish?
Julius: It's just as good as the real thing.
Mr. Omar: What's in it?
Julius: Sodium hydroxide and hot sauce. It dissolves the clog and leaves the pipes with a fresh, spicy scent.
Mr. Omar: Does it work?
Julius: You ever heard of a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink?
Mr. Omar: No.
Julius: Okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's just hitting Mr. Omar that maybe he did know a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink.


Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The hardest thing about planning revenge is figuring out how far to go.
Greg: How's Operation Get Revenge On Caruso going?
Chris: Not bad, but I'm changing the operation name to He Can Hear You, Stupid.
Greg: What's that?
Chris: It's my revenge list. I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it.
Greg: You could toilet paper his house.
Chris: Too dangerous.
Greg: You could egg him on the way home.
Chris: Too obvious.
Greg: Put Ex-Lax in his hot chocolate.
Chris: Too typical.
Greg: Suit yourself, but I'm saving that one for a jerk to be named later.

Quote from Jerome

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In order to exact the perfect revenge, I decided I should consult some experts.
Jerome: If I was you, I'd move onto his block and take a dollar from him every day for the rest of his life. Let me hold a dollar.

Quote from Kill Moves

Kill Moves: Revenge? Success is the best revenge.

Quote from Monk

Adult Chris: [v.o.] With only four days of school left to get Caruso, I needed a crazy revenge plan, so I asked a crazy person.
Chris: Hey, you know anything about revenge?
Monk: One time in this third world country, I helped install this puppet regime for this dictator's ex-wife after a coup, just so she could stop him from getting his favorite suits.
Chris: So that's a yes?
Monk: I don't know what you're talking about.
Chris: Okay. Well, there's this kid Caruso. He's been picking on me all year long and I just want to get even.
Monk: You want to know how to do it? If he pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send his to the morgue. Now, you do that, and that will end your problems with Caruso.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Crips and Bloods tried that. Never quite seemed to work out.

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mission with Caruso was simple, find out things without getting found out.
Greg: What happened? Did he spot us?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, but only because he didn't see us behind that mustache.
Chris: How are you going to follow someone with a fake mustache and a Hawaiian shirt and expect them not to notice you?
Greg: Works for Magnum, P.I.
Chris: Number one, Tom Selleck is a 45-year-old man. Two, he wears Hawaiian shirts in Hawaii. There, they're just shirts. It's like Chinese food in China.
Greg: Nothing could be further from the truth. There's Mandarin, Cantonese, Szechuan, my favorite, Hunan, Shanghai...

Quote from Julius

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Mr. Omar's drain was still clogged, so my father kept plugging away.
Mr. Omar: Don't you think you ought to call a plumber?
Julius: I told you, I don't need a plumber. Not when I got this.
Mr. Omar: "Custodian in a Conga"?
Julius: Yeah, Custodian in a Conga. I mean, it's like Janitor in a Drum, only it's 30% stronger, and 20% less.
Mr. Omar: Well, it better work 30% faster, 'cause I need my sink.
Julius: Watch this.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Some day, Al Gore is gonna trace global warming back to that sink.

Quote from Joey Caruso

Joey Caruso: Hey, T.C. [knocks Chris's books out of his hands] Five more days till you're back in the hood. Dropped something.
Greg: Don't you ever get tired of that?
Joey Caruso: I never get tired, it never gets old.

Quote from Vanessa

Vanessa: You could slash his tires, pour sugar in his gas tank, put bleach on his clothes, give his wife a bad perm.

Quote from Monk

Chris: I just want him to stop picking on me.
Monk: Okay, well, what do you know about him?
Chris: Well, he likes to beat me up.
Monk: What else?
Chris: Call me names.
Monk: Is that all you know about him?
Chris: Pretty much.
Monk: Well, then, that's your problem. First rule of combat: know your enemy. Man, revenge is like a good pair of night vision goggles. If they're not made just for you, they're never going to work, and you're going to wind up shooting your platoon leader in the neck by accident. Now, if you want to get this revenge on this Caruso, you got to study him. You got to find out his strengths and weaknesses. You got to design something especially for him. Remember this: revenge is a dish best served cold.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought that was meatloaf.
Chris: Thanks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] So now the plan was "Operation Get To Know Caruso."

Quote from Greg

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Finding out that Caruso loved cats was one thing. Finding out how to use it against him was something else.
Greg: Maybe you could kidnap one of his cats, hold him for ransom, and when he doesn't send the money, you could cut off one of the cat's ears, send it in a plain brown wrapper just to let him know you're serious.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] At that moment, I was happy that I'd always been nice to Greg.
Chris: What the heck is this?
Greg: Banacek. I'm mixing it up.

Quote from Julius

Plumber: Here you go.
Julius: $268? To unclog a drain?
Plumber: It wasn't just a clogged drain. I had to replace a U pipe, your trap, washers, your valves. What the hell you been pouring down that drain anyway? It smells like hot sauce.
Julius: It's Drainada.
Plumber: Spanish Drano?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Sí, señor.
Plumber: Do me a favor, keep using that stuff. It's good for business.
Julius: Do you take coupons?
Mr. Omar: Tragic, tragic!

Quote from Greg

Chris: Man, I can't wait. No more tests, no more bus rides.
Greg: Hold on. There. 2,100 minutes.
Chris: What?
Greg: There are 2,100 minutes left until the end of the school year.
Chris: Don't you mean five days?
Greg: I prefer 2,100 minutes. It sounds like less time.
Chris: Whatever.

Quote from Tonya

Rochelle: And back to you. What in the world would possess you to throw ice cream on your brother?
Tonya: Because he's always teasing me because he's graduating, and I'm not. I'm sick of him.
Drew: [sighs] Baby, it's just his turn. One day, you're gonna graduate, and if your father has anything to do with it, you will be getting on everybody's nerves. Trust me. But baby, until then, you just have to be patient.
Tonya: But when Drew leaves Dolemite, who's gonna walk me to school?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Even though Tonya was a menace to society, she was still a little girl at heart.
Drew: I will, Tonya. I'm only going to Sanford. I can still walk you.
Tonya: You will?
Drew: Yeah.
Rochelle: I think you owe your brother an apology.
Tonya: I'm sorry.

Quote from Greg

Chris: I don't know, man. Maybe this isn't such a good idea.
Greg: What are you talking about?
Chris: I just wish Caruso would leave me alone, and I feel like if I get my revenge, I'll be no better than him.
Greg: Yeah, I guess you're right. You should be the bigger man. You should just forget about that time he hit you with paint balloons. Or about the time he egged you on Halloween. Or the time he stole your picture day clothes. Go ahead, let the cycle of violence continue. You know what they say.
Chris: What do they say?
Greg: All it takes for evil to prevail is for a few good men to do nothing.
Joey Caruso: Out of my way, Count Chocula. I got places to be.
Greg: You're a better man than me.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Oh, we'll see about that.

Quote from Adult Chris

Greg: Do you really think this is gonna work?
Chris: I want to show Caruso that he can't keep messing with me and get away with it. I'm gonna get him back. I'm gonna get him back good.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Like Tina finally did to Ike.

Quote from Drew

Drew: Hey, Mom, can we eat at Junior's after graduation?
Tonya: I hate Junior's. Can we eat at Sylvia's?
Rochelle: Drew gets to pick. He's the one graduating.
Drew: You know what? In that case, Ma, we have to go to Sylvia's.
Rochelle: Oh, that's nice, baby.
Drew: To tell Sylvia we're eating at Junior's. [laughs]

Quote from Adult Chris

Adult Chris: [v.o.] While Drew was moving up, Mr. Omar's drain was stopped up.
Julius: How long has it been like that?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Ever since it got back from vacation in Haiti.

Quote from Julius

Mr. Omar: I don't know. Some time overnight, it just got all backed up.
Julius: I'll take care of it.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father thought he could fix anything with Crazy Glue or duct tape.
[flashback: Julius taping up the table leg:]
Rochelle: What you doing?
Julius: Fixing the table. All done.
[flashback: Julius pumping up a tire with a large strip of duct tape around it:]
Rochelle: Julius, did you fix that flat tire?
Julius: Good as new.
[flashback to Julius reading in the living room:]
Rochelle: Did you fix that noise yet?
Julius: Quiet as a mouse.
[The kids all have duct tape across their mouths]

Quote from Julius

Julius: Here, hold this for me.
Mr. Omar: I don't think duct tape is gonna fix that, Mr. Julius. Why don't you just call the plumber?
Julius: For $25 an hour? I don't think so.

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