Adult Chris: [v.o.] Meanwhile, my father tried to replace a $25-an-hour plumber with a 14 cents-an-ounce bottle.
Mr. Omar: Drainada?
Julius: That's right. It's Spanish Drano.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Doesn't "Drano" already sound Spanish?
Julius: It's just as good as the real thing.
Mr. Omar: What's in it?
Julius: Sodium hydroxide and hot sauce. It dissolves the clog and leaves the pipes with a fresh, spicy scent.
Mr. Omar: Does it work?
Julius: You ever heard of a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink?
Mr. Omar: No.
Julius: Okay.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] It's just hitting Mr. Omar that maybe he did know a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] The hardest thing about planning revenge is figuring out how far to go.
Greg: How's Operation Get Revenge On Caruso going?
Chris: Not bad, but I'm changing the operation name to He Can Hear You, Stupid.
Greg: What's that?
Chris: It's my revenge list. I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it.
Greg: You could toilet paper his house.
Chris: Too dangerous.
Greg: You could egg him on the way home.
Chris: Too obvious.
Greg: Put Ex-Lax in his hot chocolate.
Chris: Too typical.
Greg: Suit yourself, but I'm saving that one for a jerk to be named later.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] In order to exact the perfect revenge, I decided I should consult some experts.
Jerome: If I was you, I'd move onto his block and take a dollar from him every day for the rest of his life. Let me hold a dollar.

Kill Moves: Revenge? Success is the best revenge.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] With only four days of school left to get Caruso, I needed a crazy revenge plan, so I asked a crazy person.
Chris: Hey, you know anything about revenge?
Monk: One time in this third world country, I helped install this puppet regime for this dictator's ex-wife after a coup, just so she could stop him from getting his favorite suits.
Chris: So that's a yes?
Monk: I don't know what you're talking about.
Chris: Okay. Well, there's this kid Caruso. He's been picking on me all year long and I just want to get even.
Monk: You want to know how to do it? If he pulls a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send his to the morgue. Now, you do that, and that will end your problems with Caruso.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Crips and Bloods tried that. Never quite seemed to work out.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] My mission with Caruso was simple, find out things without getting found out.
Greg: What happened? Did he spot us?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] No, but only because he didn't see us behind that mustache.
Chris: How are you going to follow someone with a fake mustache and a Hawaiian shirt and expect them not to notice you?
Greg: Works for Magnum, P.I.
Chris: Number one, Tom Selleck is a 45-year-old man. Two, he wears Hawaiian shirts in Hawaii. There, they're just shirts. It's like Chinese food in China.
Greg: Nothing could be further from the truth. There's Mandarin, Cantonese, Szechuan, my favorite, Hunan, Shanghai...

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Mr. Omar's drain was still clogged, so my father kept plugging away.
Mr. Omar: Don't you think you ought to call a plumber?
Julius: I told you, I don't need a plumber. Not when I got this.
Mr. Omar: "Custodian in a Conga"?
Julius: Yeah, Custodian in a Conga. I mean, it's like Janitor in a Drum, only it's 30% stronger, and 20% less.
Mr. Omar: Well, it better work 30% faster, 'cause I need my sink.
Julius: Watch this.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Some day, Al Gore is gonna trace global warming back to that sink.

Joey Caruso: Hey, T.C. [knocks Chris's books out of his hands] Five more days till you're back in the hood. Dropped something.
Greg: Don't you ever get tired of that?
Joey Caruso: I never get tired, it never gets old.

Vanessa: You could slash his tires, pour sugar in his gas tank, put bleach on his clothes, give his wife a bad perm.

Chris: I just want him to stop picking on me.
Monk: Okay, well, what do you know about him?
Chris: Well, he likes to beat me up.
Monk: What else?
Chris: Call me names.
Monk: Is that all you know about him?
Chris: Pretty much.
Monk: Well, then, that's your problem. First rule of combat: know your enemy. Man, revenge is like a good pair of night vision goggles. If they're not made just for you, they're never going to work, and you're going to wind up shooting your platoon leader in the neck by accident. Now, if you want to get this revenge on this Caruso, you got to study him. You got to find out his strengths and weaknesses. You got to design something especially for him. Remember this: revenge is a dish best served cold.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I thought that was meatloaf.
Chris: Thanks.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] So now the plan was "Operation Get To Know Caruso."