Ryan: Here, take this tape as a bonus, too. It's the Hilly Hill mix. Those guys are new, they're not really selling.
Drew: "MC Hammer"? "Public Enemy"? "DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince"? I've never heard of these guys.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] You will.
Julius: You'd be better off erasing the tape and selling it blank.
Drew: Well, can I have the new Fat Boys album?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Go into Wal-Mart and ask that question now.
Ryan: Fine.
Drew: Cool. "Beastie Boys"?
Ryan: They're White.
Drew: White rappers? [laughs] I don't think so.

Rochelle: So this means that I'm going to go back to yelling at everybody.
Tonya: Because you love us?
Rochelle: Exactly.
Tonya: So I can yell at you, too?
Rochelle: Mmm, if you want the fillings knocked out of your face, go right ahead.

Julius: Everything okay at school?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I didn't tell him about the fight. My dad went to school during the Civil Rights era. After hoses, tanks and dog bites on your ass, somehow Joey Caruso didn't compare.
Chris: Yeah, it was all right.
Julius: Good. I'll see you in the morning.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] My father wasn't the type to say "I love you". He was one of four fathers on the block. "I'll see you in the morning" meant he was coming home. Coming home was his way of saying "I love you".
Julius: Unplug that clock, boy. You can't tell time when you sleep. That's 2 cents an hour.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] To win my office, I told them everything they wanted to hear. There was only one problem. Hey, listen.
[montage:]
Boy #1: You promised you take us to a Knicks Game.
Boy #2: You promised I get new locker.
Custodian: You promised I'd get a raise.
Lunch Lady: You promised I'll get a shave.
Boy #3: You promised we'll get some real meat.
Boy #4: [speaks Spanish]
Girl: What are you gonna do about it?
Adult Chris: [v.o.] I had no idea what I was going to do. So I did what all great leaders do.
Chris: I'll get right on it. I promise.

Adult Chris: [v.o.] Standing there waiting for Yvette was one of the best feelings I'd had. But after 15 minutes, I thought, "Maybe the buses are running late." After 30 minutes, I thought, "Maybe the bus broke down." After an hour, I thought, "Maybe the bus got in an accident, skidded through the guardrail, exploded in midair, and ended up at the bottom of the East River." After the movie was over, I thought, "Maybe she never got on that bus at all." To this day, I can't make it through Footloose without crying.

Greg: You think they know we're gone?
Chris: The only one that would even notice is Caruso. He can just beat somebody else up. What's that?
Greg: I was up all night packing for everything we might need. I've got peanut butter sandwiches in case we get hungry, I've got some wet naps in case we get sticky from the peanut butter sandwiches, I brought a compass in case we get lost, some extra water, Rolaids, aspirin, a traveling toothbrush...
Chris: Greg, we're going to the movies, not Gilligan's Island.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] If we did, Greg would have got with Mrs. Howell.
Greg: Hold on. For my "cutting school" scrapbook. Smile.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Greg sold that picture on eBay last week for $500.

Rochelle: You know what, you guys? You don't have to get me anything. You give me such great gifts every year.
Chris: No, we don't. We just make you some stupid gift out of macaroni.
Tonya: My macaroni oven mitts were not stupid.
Drew: Yeah, you're right. They weren't nearly as stupid as your macaroni hot comb.
Tonya: Shut up.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Or your macaroni macaroni bowl.
Adult Tonya: [v.o.] Hey, you shut up, too.
Adult Chris: [v.o.] Get out of my voice-over booth, woman. Save that for the show Everybody Hates Tonya.
Adult Tonya: [v.o.] Whatever.