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35Quotes from ‘The Heart Attack’

The Golden Girls: The Heart Attack

110. The Heart Attack

Aired November 23, 1985

During a ferocious storm, the girls worry about Sophia when she starts experiencing chest pains.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: My grandparents lived till their 90s. One was 102.
Blanche: In Minnesota.
Rose: So?
Blanche: Rose, you know how they freeze dead people to preserve them and then bring them back? That's like living in Minnesota. The cold slows down the aging process. I would move there in a shot if only they had men there.
Rose: We have men in Minnesota.
Blanche: Farmers, Rose. Farmers.

Quote from Rose

Sophia: You're Scandinavian. What do you know, a thousand ways to make herring?
Rose: Well, not a thousand, but a lot, and I'm famous for my Lindstrom surprise.
Blanche: What in the world is that?
Sophia: Herring pie. The surprise is, you think it's pie, like apple, but when you bite into it, it's herring!
Dorothy: Oh, what fun!
Rose: It was. My cat was named Lindstrom. I used to make it for him on his birthday and other holidays.
Blanche: Wait, your last name was Lindstrom. You named your cat Lindstrom Lindstrom?
Rose: Yes, it was less confusing for him.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: This is a very depressing conversation.
Blanche: Well, I want a fancy funeral. I want a big parade with a riderless horse. And I want to lie in state, and then be buried in Arlington Cemetery.
Rose: Why Arlington Cemetery?
Blanche: Because it's full of men.
Rose: But they're all dead.
Blanche: So are the men I date.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Boy, what a night.
Blanche: You said it. It sure makes you think.
Dorothy: Sure does.
Rose: About what?
Dorothy: About our policy in Guatemala. About death, Rose.

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Did you see that Emma Jane eat?
Dorothy: Oh!
Blanche: I could not believe my eyes! That woman must weigh 275 pounds. She never stopped shoving it in. And then she had to talk the entire time. She just sprayed food all over the table, like a mist! I got it in my hair. It was hitting me like pellets. I got a piece of rice in my eye. She could have put my eye out.

Quote from Blanche

Rose: Well, I never had food like that in my life.
Blanche: Now, I spent a summer in Italy four years ago. I never ate this well. 'Course, I never ate. Who'd have the time or the energy, if you get my drift.
Rose: No.
Blanche: Oh, Rose. Italian men are just the sexiest, most romantic, most gorgeous men in the world. Of course they just worshiped me because I'm blonde and feminine and young, with a great body.
Dorothy: What mirror do you use?

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Oh, boy. I ate too much scungilli.
Dorothy: What's the matter?
Sophia: I got a bubble.
Dorothy: Why are you rubbing your chest?
Sophia: The bubble is in my chest.
Dorothy: What do you mean, you have a bubble? Is it pain?
Sophia: If it was pain, I'd call it pain. I have a bubble.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Blanche, do you know what a bubble is?
Blanche: I know what a bauble is.
Rose: I know what it is. I've had a bubble.
Sophia: In your head.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, you know, you don't look good.
Sophia: I'm short and I'm old. What did you expect, Princess Di?

Quote from Rose

Sophia: I hate doctors.
Rose: The only doctor I ever liked was Dr. Clyde, our vet. He was wonderful. My mother wanted him to do her hysterectomy, but he wouldn't.
Dorothy: But he was willing to do her lobotomy.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: What if I'm having a heart attack?
Dorothy: You're not having a heart attack.
Sophia: How do you know? You're not a doctor.
Dorothy: Why do you think you're having a heart attack?
Sophia: I'm 80 years old, I got Pavarotti sitting on my chest, odds are it's a heart attack!

Quote from Rose

Rose: There shouldn't be heart attacks or cancer, or anything like that. There should just be a certain age where you have to turn your life in, like a library book. You pack a bag, you go, and that's that.
Blanche: I wouldn't know what to pack. Of course, the real question is, do they have dry cleaners there?
Rose: Well, dry cleaners die. There's probably a slew of dry cleaners.
Dorothy: Will you two please shut up?

Quote from Rose

Blanche: Do you want to be buried or cremated?
Rose: Neither.
Blanche: What do you want to be, flushed down the toilet like a goldfish?
Rose: I wouldn't want to be cremated. I hate heat. And burial? I hate small spaces. I'm a little claustrophobic.
Blanche: Rose, you're not gonna know anything. You're gonna be dead.
Rose: Oh. Well, then, burial, I guess. But will you promise to put a blanket in with me?
Blanche: Why?
Rose: Oh, I'd just feel more comfortable cozier. And I'd want my pictures of Charlie and the animals. You know, the ones in the little silver frames. And-And my pictures of the children. And, of course, if I'm married again, I'd want a picture of my new husband. And the candlesticks Mama gave me-
Blanche: Rose, it's a coffin, not a condo.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Listen. Before you know it, I could be gone, and we won't have said some important stuff. I love you, Dorothy. Just remember that I love you very, very much.
Dorothy: And I love you, Ma very, very much. I couldn't love you more.
Sophia: And you two, Heckle and Jeckle. Thank you for letting me live here. It was some treat. You made an old lady feel young again. You're OK.
Blanche: We love you, Sophia.
Rose: We sure do.
Sophia: This is nice, to die with friends. I'm gonna close my eyes now, but I'm only resting.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Oh, Dorothy, she'll be fine. I'm sure it isn't a heart attack. A heart attack's bigger. I've seen a heart attack. Charlie had a heart attack.
Dorothy: And it wasn't like this?
Rose: Oh, it was much worse.
Dorothy: If only the paramedics would get here.
Rose: Charlie made me dress him when he had his heart attack, before the paramedics got there.
Dorothy: What, he wasn't dressed?
Rose: We were making love.
Dorothy: Oh, Rose, honey, you never told me. He died while you were making love?
Rose: Well, he didn't die then. He had his heart attack then. And he told me to dress him.
Dorothy: And?
Rose: And I dressed him. And then we had a fight. I grabbed a pair of white pants and I was putting them on him, and Charlie said it was after Labor Day and he couldn't wear white.
Dorothy: In the middle of a heart attack?
Rose: Oh, Charlie was very stubborn and very dapper.
Dorothy: And then what happened?
Rose: And he told me he loved me and then it was over. And I put a pair of gray flannel pants on him and a blue shirt, and striped tie. And he was all dressed when the paramedics got there.

Quote from Sophia

[As Sophia rests on the couch, Dorothy, Blanche and Rose crowd around and watch her closely]
Sophia: Aah!
Dorothy: What, Ma? What?
Sophia: What? You're sitting on top of me, I open my eyes, I see pores like that, I think I'm on the moon.

Quote from Sophia

Blanche: Listen, Sophia. What about men? Are there lots of men in heaven?
Rose: Oh, Blanche, come on!
Blanche: Well, you asked her about God and Jesus.
Rose: Is there anything else we can get you, Sophia? A little tea, perhaps?
Sophia: I'm not in England. I'm having a heart attack.

Quote from Rose

Rose: Sophia, you know, I always thought there'd be a Catholic heaven, with nuns and priests and churches. And then a separate, Protestant heaven, with people and cows and horses. And then a Jewish heaven, with libraries and furriers and...
Sophia: You're starting to annoy me. You shouldn't annoy a sick person.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Ooh, Blanche, what if she dies?
Blanche: She's a tough lady, Dorothy. If anyone's a survivor, she is.
Dorothy: If she dies, I'll be an orphan. Can you believe it? I'm over 50 years old, and I'll still feel like an orphan.
Blanche: I know.
Dorothy: Oh, it doesn't matter. You lose a parent, you might as well be six. It's scary, and it pushes you right up to the head of the line.
Blanche: I know.
Dorothy: Oh, God, I don't know what I'll do. I love that lady so much. She's my family.
Blanche: We're your family too, Dorothy, and you remember that. We might not be blood, but we're here.
Dorothy: Oh God, I miss her already.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: Here are your beads, Ma. I found them in a can of peanut brittle.
Sophia: Of course. That's where I keep them. [doorbell]
Dorothy: Oh, the paramedics.
Blanche: Do I have lipstick on my teeth?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Oh, Dr. Harris, thank God you're here. Here she is.
Dr. Harris: So, what's this, Sophia? I hear we're not feeling well.
Sophia: We? What are you, a partner?
Dr. Harris: Where's the pain?
Sophia: My heart.
Dr. Harris: Show me where.
Sophia: Here. You hungry? You want some food? We got a lot left over. Dorothy, fix him a plate.
Dorothy: Later, Ma.
Dr. Harris: Now, breathe normally.
Sophia: Later I could be dead. I won't know whether he liked it.
Dr. Harris: Sophia, please. I can't hear and I ate at my mother's.
Sophia: What did you eat?
Dr. Harris: Kreplach.
Sophia: You're Jewish?
Dr. Harris: All right now, relax.
Sophia: How come so many doctors are Jewish?
Dr. Harris: Because their mothers are.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Dr. Harris: Did that hurt?
Sophia: No, I'm singing rock 'n' roll. Of course it hurts!
Dr. Harris: What did you have for dinner?
Sophia: I didn't have any dinner.
Dr. Harris: All right, tell me everything you ate today.
Sophia: I don't know. A little of this, a little of that.
Dorothy: Wait a minute, she had scungilli.
Blanche: And I saw her eat some sausages and peppers.
Rose: I saw her eat some fettuccine Alfredo, and fried mozzarella.
Blanche: Are you kidding?
Dorothy: And then this afternoon she had the cannelloni and the mushrooms with Gorgonzola.
Sophia: Bring him a plate of those. Those were great. Rose, go!
Blanche: Oh, and the Milk Duds, remember? You had those two boxes of Milk Duds.
Dr. Harris: Milk Duds?
Sophia: They're delicious. I love them. The trouble is, they take out my dentures.
Dr. Harris: Sophia, I don't think you're having a heart attack. It's most likely a gallbladder attack, brought on by overeating. Overeating, by the way, is a gross understatement for what you've described to me. You simply cannot go on eating like that at your age! You can't eat like that at any age.

Quote from Dorothy

Dorothy: Are you prepared either of you? I mean, really prepared for death?
Blanche: For somebody else's death. I have a stunning black dress.
Dorothy: Well, if I've thought about it, you know, the fact that I will die, then how can I take seriously most of the things I take seriously?
Rose: Like?
Dorothy: Like eating, for example. I mean, why starve myself to the point of thinness if I know that I could die tomorrow? I mean, why not eat the chocolate cake?
Blanche: What chocolate cake?
Dorothy: The chocolate cake in the refrigerator.
Blanche: You know, you have a point, Dorothy. Here we are, not eating chocolate cake, which we obviously adore, because we want to stay very thin, and then drop dead. That's nuts.
Rose: But we might be thin and stay alive.
Blanche: But not forever, Rose. We're not gonna stay alive forever. That's Dorothy's point. And when you're gonna die anyhow, what's it matter?
Dorothy: Yeah, I mean, what does it matter if you know that you're gonna end up dying anyway? You might as well do what you want to do.
Blanche: Like having ice cream on the chocolate cake.

Quote from Blanche

Dorothy: You know, I knew someone who went to this fabulous restaurant in Paris and just had watercress for lunch because, you know, she didn't want to gain weight. And then after lunch, she walked out of the restaurant and a gargoyle fell off the building, hit her on the head, and killed her.
Blanche: Oh, no.
Dorothy: I mean, look at what her last meal was.
Blanche: That is tragic, just tragic. Here, honey, dig in.
Dorothy: 'Course, it will be just my luck. I'll eat, I'll gain 40 pounds, and live to be 90.
Rose: Me, too. I'm healthy as a horse. Unfortunately, I'll wind up looking like one.
Blanche: You know, all it takes is one little dessert and my panties cut off my circulation.
Dorothy: I pass.
Rose: Me, too.
Blanche: I'm not touching that.
Dorothy: I mean, I put on 12 pounds just from dinner alone.
Blanche: Let's go for a walk.
Rose: Right, burn it off.
Dorothy: Are you kidding? After what we ate, we'd have to walk to Canada.
Blanche: Oh, Mounties. I love Canadian men!

Quote from Rose

Rose: A bubble is something that just sits there and presses until it's chased away by a you-know-what.
Dorothy: No. What, Rose, a highway patrolman?
Rose: Dorothy.
Dorothy: What?
Rose: A big belch.
Dorothy: You couldn't say belch? What is it a Viking curse?

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: Dorothy, do we have heart disease in our family?
Dorothy: No, Ma.
Sophia: How did Uncle Mario die?
Dorothy: Don't you remember? He was carrying out the garbage and dropped his gun, and it went off and shot him in the forehead.
Sophia: Oh, yeah, right. What a klutz. Didn't Aunt Teresa have a heart attack?
Dorothy: No, Aunt Teresa didn't have a heart.
Sophia: Uncle Nunzio?
Dorothy: Uncle Nunzio died to get away from Aunt Teresa.
Sophia: My mother died of old age and my father fell off a donkey, so we got healthy hearts in our family.
Dorothy: Very, very healthy.
Sophia: That's good. That's a good thing.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: What if I die, Dorothy?
Dorothy: Ma, you're not going to die. Now, look. I don't want you to talk, just rest.
Sophia: Rest? I could be history in 20 minutes. I got some things I have to tell you. The key to my safe-deposit box, it's in my underwear drawer.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma, please!
Sophia: Don't interrupt. Don't let your Aunt Renata come to the services. It's my death. She'll make it her moment.
Dorothy: Ma, look...
Sophia: Dorothy, you were always my favorite. I want you to know that. Maybe I didn't show it. I'm not an affectionate person. But you are. Don't tell your sister, and keep the silver.
Dorothy: OK, Ma.
Sophia: You know, I'll probably see your father in heaven. I haven't seen him in 30 years. I wish there was time to get my hair done.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: I'm an idiot!
Dorothy: Why?
Sophia: I didn't think this would happen.
Dorothy: What?
Sophia: Death. I didn't really think I'd die.
Dorothy: Ma, maybe someday, but not today.
Sophia: It could be today, and you know what? I'm not ready. Eighty-years-old and it would come as a complete surprise.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Ma, you're OK. You are not going to die.
Sophia: I don't want to.
Dorothy: Who does?
Sophia: You know, I'd settle for even just one more day. God knows why. Tomorrow I'm cleaning the closets.
Dorothy: Ma, I love you.
Sophia: You know what, Dorothy?
Dorothy: What?
Sophia: Death sucks.

Quote from Sophia

Sophia: And I'm sorry I never tried acting. I always wanted to act.
Blanche: Coffee's ready.
Dorothy: Oh, thanks, Blanche.
Rose: Sophia, you feeling a little better?
Dorothy: Oh, my God, she's-
Sophia: I'm not dead, I'm resting.

Quote from Sophia

Rose: Did you have a nice nap, Sophia?
Sophia: I didn't have a nap. I died a little. I went to heaven.
Dorothy: Oh, Ma. You just slept, is all.
Sophia: You were there? Don't tell me where I went. I went to heaven. I saw the golden light and some angels in white robes with harps. I thought I was at Saks at Christmas, but then I saw your father.
Dorothy: Really?
Sophia: He was surrounded by women. He's in heaven.
Rose: Did you see God and Jesus?
Sophia: They were busy. I think I'll go back.
Dorothy: Ma, don't go.
Sophia: No, Dorothy. It's a wonderful place. I'm very excited about it.
Dorothy: Ma, I want you here.
Blanche: Sophia, are there lots of men in heaven?
Sophia: Oh, Blanche.
Blanche: I'd like to know.
Sophia: Dorothy, get me my rosary.

Quote from Rose

Rose: So there I was with no vet, and Petunia was about to give birth to her piglets. Well, I just didn't know what to do. I mean, I had helped deliver Bessie the cow, but Petunia was so much more difficult. She-
Sophia: If I died, would you stop telling this story?

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: But she didn't have a heart attack, you're absolutely sure?
Dr. Harris: I've got a portable EKG machine in the car. I'll double-check of course, but it doesn't seem like a heart attack. She's got classic gallbladder symptoms: a tenderness in the upper right quadrant, a slight discoloration of the whites of her eyes.
Sophia: Try this and tell me you're not in heaven.
Dr. Harris: Sophia, I can't, really.
Sophia: One bite, for God's sake!
Rose: Isn't it a little rude for him to be eating while she's having a heart attack?
Blanche: She's not having a heart attack.
Dr. Harris: Mmm. That's good.
Sophia: Give me one of those.
Dr. Harris: Hide this stuff!

Quote from Blanche

Blanche: Dorothy, is he single or what?
Dorothy: Or what.
Blanche: Happily?
Dorothy: Happily.
Blanche: Damn.

Quote from Sophia

Dorothy: Boy, what a relief.
Sophia: You're telling me. I thought I was a goner. It's incredible. You think you're dying, you feel death enter your body. The doctor comes, he says you're fine, you're ready to swim the English Channel.
Dorothy: I can't tell you how happy I am. I want you around for a long, long time.
Sophia: They'll have to murder me. Though, I must admit, I was a little excited about seeing your father again.
Dorothy: Ma, you feeling OK?
Sophia: I'll live. Listen, I'm sorry if I scared you.
Dorothy: Honey, don't worry about it. I'm just thrilled that you're OK and 'cause I'm happy that, you know, I'm your favorite.
Sophia: What are you talking about, favorite?
Dorothy: You know, you told me that I'm your favorite.
Sophia: Please! What favorite? Are you kidding? I thought I was dying. Favorite?

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