Sally: Hey, guys. Oh, you still watching that stuff?
Dick: It's not "stuff," it's Hamlet.
Sally: Yeah, but why do they have to talk that way? I mean, I can't follow the story.
Don: Hamlet? The story is as old as time. Pretty-boy son has a rich daddy and a good-looking mommy. The uncle knocks off daddy, marries mommy, and he cuts pretty boy out of the action. So junior goes crazy and he kills them all. Not a pretty story, but there it is.
Tommy: Isn't that the plot to The Lion King?
Dick: Oh, please!

Dick: Nina, Nina, read me in.
Nina: Curtain rises. A big pompous blowhard flounces onto the stage.

Sally: Oh, Don, Don. Why should the name "Don" make Dick so angry?
Don: Sally.
Sally: Who's there?
Don: I would tell you, but my name is so offensive to your family I dare not speak it aloud.
Sally: Don, if they found you, there's no telling what they'd do to you.
Don: I'm okay. I have night's cloak to hide me from their eyes. And if thou love me, let them find me here. My life were better ended by their hate, than death prolonged wanting of thy love.
Sally: Wow, that's so romantic.
Don: Ah, well, I wrote it myself.

[Dick has a towel draped around his neck as he swigs from a water bottle and spits into a desk fan pointed at his face]
Tommy: Dick, I need a favor.
Dick: Uh, not now, Tommy. I'm doing research. I'm finding out what happens when the spit hits the fan.

Tommy: Yeah, I knew you'd like it. That's why I volunteered you to direct our school play.
Dick: Me, direct? As in, control?
Tommy: Yeah, it's Romeo and Juliet. August wants to play Juliet, and if you direct, you can cast me as Romeo.
Dick: I'll do it!
Tommy: That's so great, 'cause there are some major make-out scenes. And also some really powerful emotional stuff. I get to die.

[Harry is watching a cartoon on TV]
Harry: [chuckles] He was "Touched by an Anvil".

Tommy: Remind me never to ask you for another favor again.
Dick: You weren't right for the role.
Harry: Hey, how'd the audition go?
Tommy: I lost the part. The director didn't think I was good enough.
Dick: You were good. You had delivery, presence, timing. You just didn't have that indefinable something extra.
Tommy: I was just trying to score some points with my girlfriend. Is that too much to ask?
Dick: Romeo and Juliet is a Shakespearian tragedy. It has nothing to do with a horny teenager and his girlfriend.

Sally: Go ahead, Dr. Albright.
Mary: Hello, Don. Dr. Solomon thought you might be able to help me with this.
Don: Well, I have been known to bend a few... [gasps] You have $1,500 in fines.
Sally: And, poof, they're gone.
Don: I can't "poof" this many tickets. One more, and she'd be in handcuffs.
Mary: I was going to pay them.
Don: What happened?
Mary: I didn't.

Dick: I can just see it now on the marquee. "Dick Solomon directs a Dick Solomon production of Dick Solomon's Romeo and Juliet."
Tommy: Yeah, whatever. [exits]
Dick: Hmm. "Naturally, an actor must play the truth of the scene and not indulge in emotion for its own sake." Well, anyone knows that.
Nina: I didn't know you were interested in acting.
Dick: Well, yes, I am, but what I really want to do is direct. I'm not saying that I couldn't act. I could be very convincing. Light comedy. [laughs] Horror. [screams] Tragedy. [sobs]
Mary: Morning.
Dick: Look, Mary! I'm distraught! [wails] Or am I?

Nina: Okay. You have a registered letter.
Mary: Oh, what is it? Damn, damn, damn! I owe $1,500 in parking tickets.
Nina: So they finally caught up with you.
Mary: Guess I'll have to dip into my savings.
Dick: Oh, no, no, I couldn't bear to let you do that. I'll pay them.
Mary: You will?
Dick: No. I'm acting!