Cliff Clavin Quotes Page 1 of 54    

Quote from Teaching with the Enemy

Frasier: I want you all to know... I'm not blaming her. It's because of me that my life is in the arms of another man.
Woody: Uh, well, you mean "wife," don't you, Dr. Crane?
Frasier: What?
Woody: You said "life." "It's because of me my life is in the arms of another man."
Cliff: Oh, that's a- That's a Freudian slip there, Woody.
Woody: What's a Freudian slip?
Cliff: Oh, that's when you say one thing when you're actually thinking about a mother.


Quote from What Is... Cliff Clavin?

Alex Trebek: Agnes, what did you put down? "Who are Tony Curtis, Cary Grant, and Lucille Ball?" You're so very close, but you're incorrect, unfortunately, and that means it's going to cost you... $2,900. That takes you down to $400. And it takes us to Cliff. Cliff, good news for you, both of your opponents came up with incorrect responses. And what that means is that even if you're wrong, as long as you didn't do anything foolish like wager everything, you're a cinch winner.
Cliff: Well, then we don't have to see my answer there, do we, Alex? [covers screen with his jacket] Listen, see you at the tournament of champions.
Alex Trebek: Cliff, we're running out of time. And we are going to have to take a look at your response. You wrote down, "Who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?" No, I'm sorry. That, too, is wrong. The correct response is, what were the real names of Cary Grant, Tony Curtis, and Joan Crawford?
Cliff: Be that as it may, Alex, those people have never been in my kitchen.
Alex Trebek: Well, I'm sure they haven't, but obviously that's not what we were going for when we wrote up that clue.
Cliff: Obvious to who?

Quote from Heeeeere's... Cliffy!

Johnny Carson: Doc is so old...
Cliff: Oh, my God, here it comes.
All: How old is he?
Cliff: Yes.
Johnny Carson: ...when he was a kid he never blew out candles on a birthday cake. They didn't have fire yet. [audience groans] Ooh, stay where you are. Fortunately, folks, in a situation like this, the, uh, the band has instructions to come over and form a human barrier in front of a star. How did that line get on the cue cards anyway? I should have done that joke with one of those big blue dots covering my face. Who wrote that joke anyway?
Cliff: I- I wrote that joke and it was great.
Johnny Carson: Pardon me?
Cliff: The problem wasn't the joke, the problem was you. You botched it. You botched my joke, Johnny Carson!
Norm: Sit down, please.
Cliff: I'm not going to sit down! I wrote that joke. Get your hands off me. Is this the way you treat your talent, Carson?! [gets dragged away by security]
Johnny Carson: Ladies and gentlemen, the president of NBC. [applause]

Quote from What Is... Cliff Clavin?

Alex Trebek: Cliff, it's all right, you don't have to worry. Unless you risked more than $21,600, you will be the new Jeopardy! champion. So let's take a look and see what your wager was. You bet "22,000 big ones"? Which takes you down to zero. You bet it all. Cliff, why would you do something like that?
Cliff: It's because I knew that those people had never been in my kitchen. You can ask them. Come on, Tony Curtis is still alive. Get him on the phone, go ahead, I'll pay for the call.
Alex Trebek: Isn't going to work, Cliff, sorry. Agnes, $400 is not a big total, but today it's enough to make you the new Jeopardy! champion. So congratulations.
Cliff: No, she's not! I'm the champion! I answered all those questions! You saw me, America! Write in and tell them!
Norm: Come on, Wood, if we sneak out right now, nobody will know we're with him.
Cliff: Tony Curtis, if you're out there, if you can hear me, call in, and I'll split the pot with you. Ah, for crying out loud, look... Any mail carriers out there?

Quote from Now Pitching, Sam Malone

Norm: You know, I saw Teddy Kennedy over there.
Carla: Whoa. Norman, really?
Diane: I still say that Kennedy will be president some day. [all groan] No, wait. Maybe even next time. You know how politicians are.
Norm: Doesn't make sense.
Cliff: Nah, I really don't think so, there, Diane. I've got a pet little theory about that. You see, if you go back in history and take every president, you'll find that the numerical value of each letter in their last name was equally divisible into the year in which they were elected.
Man: So who's gonna win, Cliff? Reagan again? Mondale?
Cliff: No. Not a chance. See, I figured it out. By my calculations, our next president has to be named Yelnik McWawa.
Sam: That's the stupidest name I ever heard.
Coach: Sam, please. You're talking about our next president.

Quote from Indoor Fun with Sammy and Robby

Cliff: You know, this, uh, getting up in the middle of the night with a crying baby stuff, that's... That's the reason I never had kids.
Norm: That's the only reason, huh, Cliff?
Cliff: Well, and the fact that my mother taught me to have a healthy respect for the evils of overpopulation, Normie. Yeah, you know what? I can still remember her looking at me and saying, "For the love of God, Cliffy, let it stop with you."

Quote from Strange Bedfellows, Part 1

Cliff: Holy moly guacamole. Terre Haute, lndiana. Oh, I wouldn't throw her out of my bed for eating crackers.
Norm: Why else would she be there?
Cliff: Yeah, that's very humorous, Normie. Yeah, in light of the fact that a leading woman's magazine just recently completed a survey which showed that postmen are the most desired lovers right after-
Norm: Rock stars and heart surgeons.
Cliff: Well, you know what they say down at the P.O.-
Norm: "Postmen deliver daily."
Cliff: Have we had this conversation before, Norm?
Norm: Cliffie, we've had every conversation before.

Quote from Yacht of Fools

Cliff: Hold it, hold it hold it, hold it, hold- Look, no, I'm telling you, Normie, recent research into the Revolutionary War indicates that the, uh, defenders of this area were not called the, uh, Minutemen after all.
Norm: Oh, like every history book is then wrong, right?
Cliff: Oh, they were actually called the Minute Men. A lot of them under three feet tall, as a matter of fact.
Norm: Right.
Cliff: Way back in history, people were shorter.
Norm: All right, fine.
Cliff: Take, for example, the, uh, the Knights of the Round Table.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: Genuine midgets.
Norm: You're a very lonely man, aren't you?

Quote from For Real Men Only

Cliff: Uh, yeah, this is nothing anyway. The original rites of passage, uh, started with the jungle tribes down in Borneo.
Norm: Yeah?
Cliff: When young jungle tribal lad was, uh, on the brink of puberty, they'd bring him forward and, uh, take out this large, sharpened clamshell-
Sam: Oh, no, no. Don't tell me.
Cliff: They would, uh, fill it with dip, pass it around with the hors d'oeuvres.
Sam: Oh.
Cliff: Then they'd take these two big jagged rocks...
Norm: no, Cliff, Cliff, Cliff, Cliff.
Cliff: ...bang them together to call the tribes out of the hills. You know, then the, uh, witch doctor stepped up With this long, sharpened bamboo staff...
Woody: Oh, here it comes.
Cliff: ...shoved it into the ground and hung a flag on it. Then they danced around it pretty much till they dropped really.
Sam: Wait. W-W-When do they circumcise the kid?
Cliff: What do you mean, circumcise? There are no Jews in Borneo, you mulyock.

Quote from Cry Hard

Sam: Tell her the worst part.
Norm: Oh, she made us carry this huge, heavy desk.
Sam: No, no. The part... She could go to jail for this.
Norm: Yeah, but, Sammy, that was some heavy desk. What kind of Wood was that made out of?
Cliff: It must have been oak. Yeah, it's one of your heavier grains. Yeah. As any lumberjack will tell you, though, it's not the toughest one to cut through. Doc, what do you think the toughest thing to cut through is?
Frasier: Your unending bull.

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