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Derry Girls: Episode Four

104. Episode Four

Aired January 25, 2018

Erin is excited to play host to Katya, a teenager from Ukraine, on a cultural exchange. Meanwhile, Ma Mary is upset when Granda Joe starts seeing a woman.

Quote from Michelle

Michelle: Ssh! You'll scare Clive!
James: Who's Clive?
Michelle: Clive. Clive is a wee Prod from East Belfast. Clive came back from Ibiza, got on the wrong bus at Aldergrove Airport, then fell asleep. Clive woke up in Derry, surrounded by Russians and Fenians. Clive is absolutely shitting himself.
Erin: So where's the real Artem?
Michelle: Giant's Causeway, probably. Foreigners fucking love the Giant's Causeway.
Clive: I just want to go home! But she won't let me leave! She won't let me leave.
Michelle: I also think Clive may have had too many disco biscuits on his holidays.
Clare: [enters] Here you are!
Clive: Thank God! [hugs Clare in her Union Jack top] Whatever you do, don't slag off the Pope. We're outnumbered.

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Quote from Orla

Orla: Which one's ours?
Erin: She didn't send a photo. Her family probably don't even own a camera. She'll find Derry a bit overwhelming at first, just because of how advanced everything is here. All the cracker stuff we have.
Orla: They have some pretty cracker stuff where she comes from, too, Erin.
Erin: Oh, really? Like what? Disease? Poverty?
Orla: No. You can get this wee woman made of wood, right? You pull her apart and inside her there's an even wee-er wooden woman, and you pull the wee-er wooden woman apart...
Erin: Are you talking about Russian dolls?

Quote from Clare

Clare: I'm very sorry for all your trouble. You know, the whole hoo-ha at the power plant.
Katya: OK.
Clare: When you think about it, we've actually got a lot in common, cos we understand what it's like to be a young person from a troubled place.
Katya: Hm, it is not the same. Chernobyl was terrible nuclear accident. You people like to fight each other and, to be honest, what person really understands why?
Erin: Well, there's actually a political element to it, Katya, and there's a religious element.
Katya: But you're not two different religions here, you're different flavours of same religion, no?
Erin: Well, yes... but... It's a little bit more complicated than that, Katya.
Katya: To me, is stupid.
Clare: Oh, my God... It is stupid. It is so, so stupid.

Quote from Sister Michael

Father Conway: And today we welcome some very special guests, the weans from Chernobyl, who've come over to give their wee lungs a bit of a clear out, because, ah, sure, there's all sorts wafting about in their neck of the woods. Sister.
Sister Michael: Lovely job so far, Seamus, but, you know, keep it moving. Rawhide's on in 15 minutes. Now, one might well question the wisdom of sending you here, of all places. Out of the frying pan into the... Well, maybe not the fire, but certainly a different type of frying pan. Or some sort of wok at the very least. But please don't worry yourselves too much about the whole civil war, sectarian conflict carry-on. There's really only thing you need to know. We're the goodies. Welcome to Derry.

Quote from Orla

Michelle: Even so, I need her to put a word in with that big Russian ride.
Orla: And I really like the fact she glows in the dark.
James: I'm sorry?
Orla: Because of the radiation they all glow in the dark.
James: Right.

Quote from Clare

Clare: She's also opened my eyes about how we need to break down barriers here, to no longer define ourselves as Irish or British, Catholic or Protestant, but simply as human, with human hearts and human heads and human hands and... other human qualities because, at the end of the day, we're all humans.

Quote from James

Erin: James. Listen, I have something to tell you, and... Ooh, Dib-Dab. OK. I'm just gonna say it. I think Katya is planning on having sex with you, tonight.
James: I know.
Erin: You know?
James: I'm meeting her upstairs in a bit. She told me to have some food first. Apparently, sex uses up a lot of energy.
Erin: You do not want to do this, James!
James: Yes, I do.
Erin: You're not ready for it!
James: I am.
Erin: She doesn't love you, James. She's just using you.
James: Yeah, but, the thing is, I don't care.

Quote from Erin

Katya: And when Erin finished reading me her poetry, she showed me some old walls.
Erin: I showed you the walls. I showed you the city walls. And they are nothing short of spectacular.
Sarah: Ach, if she's not into walls, she's not into walls, Erin, love.

Quote from Clare

Clare: Hi, girls.
Michelle: Have you got a Union Jack splashed across your tits, Clare?
Clare: I'm making a point.
Michelle: Is the point, "I'd like to get beaten up"?
Clare: Me wearing this, it should be meaningless. These are just colours and shapes. This flag is not my identity. We need to take the power out of these symbols.
Michelle: Genuine question. Why can't you just be fucking normal?

Quote from Erin

Katya: How dare you? I am poor Ukrainian so I must be prostitute.
Erin: Hear me out. First, she comes on to James here. What would possess her? Financial gain, that's what.
Katya: He attractive boy, Erin.
Erin: He's English, Katya.
Katya: I have no problem with this.
Michelle: You should.
Erin: Secondly, she owns condoms. They're in her bag. A whole packet. I've seen them, people.
Katya: You are imbecile.
Erin: An imbecile. And thirdly, all night, wee Ukrainian fellas have been coming up and giving her money they owe her. How the hell do you explain that?
Katya: I organise - how you say it? - whip round. We like to buy Jenny present to thank her for nice party.
Jenny: Oh, you guys!
Erin: Right. OK. Yeah, that does sort of explain it.

Quote from Granda Joe

Joe: Don't know a Jack McGinley, do you? Moved to Moscow, '88, '89, it would have been.
Erin: Seriously?
Katya: No.
Joe: Stocky fella.
Katya: No.
Joe: Curly hair, bit of a lisp.
Katya: I do not know this person.
Joe: Ah, maybe just as well, love. He's an awful prick.

Quote from Erin

Erin: It's class, isn't it?
Katya: Hmm. It's much how I imagine.
Erin: Oh, because of my letters? Well, descriptive narrative has always been a strong point.
Katya: No, not your letters. I see on news.
Erin: What do you mean, you've seen on news? You don't have news in the Ukraine. You don't have televisions.
Katya: Yes, we do.
Erin: No, you don't.
Katya: We do.
Erin: Really?
Katya: Of course.

Quote from Da Gerry

Joe: Right. Come on in there, Maeve. Now, these are my daughters. That's Mary, and this is Sarah.
Sarah: Hello, Maeve.
Mary: Maeve.
Gerry: I'm Mary's husband, Gerry. We're Mary and Gerry and we're living in Derry. [Maeve chuckles while Joe looks unimpressed] Hm. I'll get the tea going.

Quote from Michelle

Michelle: You're so lucky, Erin. I begged my ma to let me have one, but she said we've no room now that my dickhead ballbag English prick of a cousin has moved in. I'm talking about you, James, in case you're wondering.
James: Yeah, that much was clear, thank you, Michelle.
Michelle: Have you seen the one Jenny Joyce got, the fella? Massive, massive ride. I've been thinking, it might be time for me to lose the rest of my virginity. And he's definitely a contender. You help me? You put in good word with your Cossack friend so we can...? [gestures suggestively]
Erin: Will you stop that?

Quote from Jenny

Jenny: Hi, everyone. This is Artem.
Michelle: Well, hello, Artem. [to Katya] Go on, then.
Katya: [Ukrainian] "She wants to have sex with you."
Jenny: He doesn't say much.
James: Is he... is he tied to you?
Jenny: Yeah, he kept wandering off. Listen, I've a feeling Artem and a few of the others are a bit homesick. It would be nice for them to spend some time together, so I'm having a bit of a soiree at my place tonight. It's going to be great. I've got a chocolate fountain and everything.
Erin: Well, chocolate fountain or not, I'd actually prefer to keep our Ukrainians separate, so...

Quote from Jenny

Jenny: Has anyone seen Artem? I untied him for his toilet privileges half an hour ago and now I can't find him.
Michelle: What?

Quote from Ma Mary

Joe: Maeve and me, we're... We just get on well, that's all.
Mary: Maeve? That's her name, is it?
Joe: Yes, that's right.
Mary: Maeve? That's what she's called, is she?
Joe: She is, aye.
Mary: Maeve? Maeve? Really? Maeve?
Katya: Why does your mother make that sound?

Quote from Michelle

Erin: She doesn't love him. She's just using him. She just wants something to do. But she can't do James. He's not a pastime or a plaything!
Michelle: Ach, Erin, if she wants to ride James, just let her ride James! Nobody else is ever gonna wanna touch the poor fucker.
Clare: I mean, maybe it's just his time. I mean, we're all gonna have sex at some point.
Michelle: You probably won't, Clare.
Erin: Aye, I can't see that, either, to be honest, Clare.

Quote from Erin

Erin: I won't let you. I won't let you do it.
James: You can't stop me!
Erin: Fine. In that case, I'll just come and watch.
James: What?
Erin: You heard me, James. If you insist on going through with this, well, I'm-I'm going to make sure you don't enjoy it.

Quote from Orla

Sarah: Tell me this. Does Jenny Joyce's house really have eight bedrooms?
Orla: Aye. And some of the bedrooms, they have these wee, tiny bathrooms attached to them.
Sarah: Imagine!

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